Fuuuuck I measured my waist yesterday to be sure the pants and skirt I wanted from VampireFreaks would fit and NONE of them would. The skirt that I could have gotten because it’s polyester stretchy material also came in 4X-5X but that was sold out! Then I looked at the pikes in my cart and noticed I’d accidentally chosen a size four so I went to change it to a size eleven. I always buy eleven’s when I shoe shop online, because they never seem to fit otherwise. I’m supposed to be a size nine, but it’s more often than not I have to go up a size. Or two. They were out of elevens. There were tens but I don’t trust them. I might try them and do a return if they don’t fit. The only thing I’m able to get that I know fits are the plus size fishnets which look more like a lace or flower and gothic cross pattern than plain fishnets. I lost the pair I got last Christmas. Fishnet stockings are hard to keep up with, I should probably keep them in a plastic bag because they disappear, much like socks. Once taken off, they’re nothing but tiny little pieces of material. Like I can’t believe this teeny tiny wad of nothing fit my fat arse. Eh. I’m disappointed. I looked on GoodGoth, nothing I really wanted. I think I got everything I liked from them last year. They seem to be focused on corsets, corset tops, and bustle skirts, none of which I’m really into. I did look on KILLSTAR as well but after the bondage pants I got from them straight up breaking and customer service being as useful as a tit on a broomstick, I’m wary of the quality of their clothing. I was told it was “wear and tear” that broke the pants, and they couldn’t help me any further. I’d only had them for one month! Ugh.

I have a fixation on black crushed velvet since forever, guess I’m really looking for things like that…also, everything has a low neckline and if it doesn’t, there is always a goddamn titty window!! The only dress I’ve found that fit my ideals, I got from VampireFreaks last year. It was not too short had a neckline I was happy with and is made of black crushed velvet. It’s got weight to it and was made so much better than I expected since it was $70 give or take a few. I haven’t worn it yet because I’m so insecure about my waistline. It fits great but I wanted to squeeze my stomach in a bit before wearing it out. I bought a corset. Nothing pretty, just a plain one to be worn under clothing. It did take my sides in a couple inches but didn’t really do anything to make my stomach a little flatter, nor did it cinch it which was what I was hoping for. To push the waist in in the front, not just the sides, so I have a discernible freaking waist! Something to show it exists. If it did, I would not let my being a fatty nunchucks discourage me from wearing it. No matter how much weight I lose, my stomach still is kinda round in the front. It’s easily covered up with the tees I wear, but the dress is more form fitting (not very tight but it shows the weight more), and I have no fucking form! My body type is supposedly hourglass as the weight is distributed evenly and I’m not bigger at the top or bottom, but I honestly think my body type is actually beach ball. 🫩 Eh. I’ll look on Etsy for some type of corset that squeezes in the stomach. And no, slim wear/body shaping undergarments do not work, at all. I hate those anyways because if you have a bathroom emergency….it might not end well. 😬

It bothers me that a 3X anything wouldn’t fit me. I wear 2X shirts. I lost a lot of weight and that still won’t fit me. 😓 The “fat activist” people classify me as a privileged “small fat” lol. I saw a video on their fat “classifications” they pulled out of their collective arse 🥴 It goes from “small fat “ to “DEATH FAT”. Seriously, that is what they call the fattest of the fats. The fattest fats that ever fatted. Who the hell wants to be called “death fat”?? I just say “ham planet”. 🤷‍♀️ Some people are fucking weird.

ANYHOO!

Lauren moved her schedule around so she can take me to that important appointment at fucking 8am Thursday morning. She’s great. Dad’s biopsy is at the same time and that takes precedence, of course! Mom’s taking him for that. If I had to cancel mine, I could not get another appointment with them for a while, and would delay treatment of my strictured esophagus and elongate the misery of not being able to swallow right! I’m going to be at the Digestive Health place and I’ll be there 2+ hours while I eat (or drink? Idk) something and they track it through my body until it’s in a safe place to do the stretching procedure. They’re timing it to see how long I need to fast the day before. Last time, I was told it could be a 24 hour fast and I can’t even have my protein drinks that keep hunger under control. Just clear liquids. Ahhhh I don’t wanna. Whyyy does my own body hate my guts 😭

Poor dad dreads that biopsy and I can see why. He’s had two over the years, the last one was a pretty long time ago. He says they hurt really bad. They only numb the area locally, but that instrument (I don’t know what it looks like or how big it is) is pushed through into the liver to get a piece. That bit is not numbed at all. I’ll bet that hurts like hell! Poor dude. I don’t know how long it will take to be tested to get a final diagnosis. He needs to start whatever treatment they’ll give him asap. They did say it was likely aggressive.

I spent $200 last night on a relatively inexpensive futon and the cheapest Roku tv I could find, which wasn’t that cheap compared to the two I got from Walmart. About $45 more. 😒 I have been begging mom to kick some crap out of the way and let me slap something to sleep on and a cheap tv in my old basement bedroom. There’s not that much crap to kick in the corner my bed was in anyways. She said she’d put an old mattress down there. It’s been years and I’ve asked countless times for her to PLEASE do this. Originally it was for the times I wanted to self harm, times I should not be left alone to my own devices. She would make excuses why I couldn’t stay a night at their house and would ignore my fucking texts telling how I was feeling and that hurts me deeply! She would say something like “call the hotline” and stop answering. It would always end with some nasty texts and me giving her the cold shoulder for a while. She’s done a number of things like that. She refused to do what she promised to do, for six fucking years. I guess I snapped last night and figured that if you want something done AT ALL, do it your fucking self instead of relying on someone who consistently does not keep their word. The biggest reason I want this place to sleep now is dad. I want to spend more time with him because I’m scared he’s gonna drop dead any moment! I’m so scared of never seeing my dad again! She was acting dismissive of that. I was over begging her, so I did it. You’re welcome. ☺️

Seems like I’m still angry. I had a decent afternoon with mom, left on good terms, but when I think about this shit I get mad all over again. 😑 I hate it.

I also figured Oscar out. I’m getting him a cheap litter box and putting it where it was when I lived there. I have to give him his morning shots so I need to bring him with me. It would do Lucy (dad’s dog) and Oscar a lot of good to be together once in a while. They have been apart for six years. Oscar needs to visit his best doggo friend. They were very close before.

I know I might sound like a total biatch but I hate broken promises and lies, and only seeing dad for a little while twice a week. That is not enough. Also the mental health stuff. I’m thinking more about dad right now though.

On an odd note, I just learned that US pennies are no longer being made as of a few days ago. Why did I not know this? I think Canada did the same thing years ago for similar reasons. Making one American penny costs over three pennies to make, so that was probably a smart decision.

I’m still waffling about that stupid insurance claim. I hate that the links the vet sends expire so quickly. I can’t download the files to my phone. I’m too fucking exhausted to even get my laptop out to deal with this. Exhausted. Mentally stretched more than usual. Anxiety ridden. Chronic pain is the worst it’s ever been, even right after the car accident.

I need better pain medication but I know I won’t be prescribed anything worth a crap because so many fuck nuts abuse opioids. People who actually need them just have to deal with the pain! Fucking people gotta ruin it for everyone else. The lot of them can get bent!

Don’t mind me….I’m just stressed and angry about everything going on in my life. Feels like I need to go off and scream into the void.  I can be a bit narsty when venting. Probably because I don’t have any voids in which to scream. *sigh*

I think I write in too much detail. Posts could be a lot shorter…welp, gonna settle in with Oscar and watch some tv. I got caramel popcorn because ’tis the season and all that.

later.👋