Month: April 2025

Apr 13 2025 April 13, 2025 April 13, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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It’s 2:30am and I am hearing loud ass banging noises from my upstairs neighbours. It’s been going on for a couple of hours. They had actually been a lot quieter lately. It doesn’t bother me much at all but I’m really curious as to what they’re doing to make these noises. They have always been super noisy, walking around with cinder blocks for shoes. 😆 I got used to it pretty quickly. I’ve never been terribly bothered by outside or neighbour noises anyways.

He’s a cop and I do feel a bit safer living below a police officer, but they’re moving out soon. I wonder if that apartment will be given to another courtesy officer?


Apr 10 2025 April 10, 2025 April 10, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I haven’t seen a nature documentary in forever, so when I saw one on PBS, I was excited. I became very invested in the lives of a pride of lions and their fight to endure drought and keep their 8 cubs safe without a male around to protect them. They went to find food and it was the first time they’d left the cubs completely alone. Since the pride’s male had been missing for weeks, a rogue male decided he wanted to make the lionesses his own, and the only way to accomplish that was to kill all the cubs and force the females back into oestrus. I was really getting upset at what I thought I might see, because I love cats, big and small. I can’t even handle cats being hurt in movies. Indeed, he attacked and killed two of the eight cubs while the others were hidden. It was graphic and I had to cover my eyes. I had forgotten how rough these documentaries can be, as they tend not to censor anything. I saw some very gory ones as a kid that still linger in my mind. It just made me so sad for the little ones and their mothers. Nature is beautiful, but also harsh and unforgiving…

On a side note, I always wondered how the filmmakers get those insane shots and how they know what the hell is actually going on. The narrator always tells a pretty cohesive story, so they must be watching these animals 24/7 for weeks or months. In this one they covered the pride of lions and some hippos, which I am irrationally scared of. When they open their jaws really wide, it just looks weird and wrong.

I went out with Kellie today and had a good time. I feel like I might have judged her too quickly, which is my bad. I just get so paranoid sometimes. Anyhow, we went to Goodwill and I found a big book about the Stone Age, which I’m excited to look at. I also got a bunch of DVDs that I have no place to put, because OF COURSE I DID. 😆 Gotta find more shelves. I like the big ones from Roses because they’re inexpensive and are pretty good quality and relatively easy to assemble but every time I’ve been recently, they’re out of stock.

I got the whole series of Monty Python’s Flying Circus because I’ve had it on my Amazon wishlist since forever and it was 50% off. Also got the second series of Little Britain, used of course so it was cheaper. I have no place to put them either 😭 I am terrible at managing my own space haha

Otherwise, my breathing and allergies have been almost completely under control today. I’m hoping this bout of anxiety or whatever it is, is finally coming to an end. I hope. I pray. This has been horrible and I only want to go back to normal.


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Apr 08 2025 April 8, 2025 April 8, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I felt a lot more normal yesterday and most of today. The uncontrollable breathing started when I got home, it just fucking happens as soon as I walk in the door! I don’t get it. I’m back to normal finally. It’s so weird. I don’t know if it’s something mental or not.

Had a nice day with mom, we talked about a lot of stuff and got along really well. That makes me feel happy.

Kellie is coming tomorrow and I just don’t look forward to it. Like I said, I have a little difficulty with really religious people because I feel like I have to tiptoe around them so I won’t offend, and I can’t be myself. I can’t really talk to her normally, and we don’t have anything in common so what is there to talk about? The people at ACA (A Caring Alternative) know how I am so I’m not sure why they assigned her to my case. I do not think they gave it much thought, like when they separated me and Denise. Why was I the one they picked to reassign? It was literally JUST ME. No one else. They knew we were close. I think they do this shit to be mean, honestly. They did this because they wanted her to spend more time with some other client. It didn’t make sense. They know I’m autistic, but do they know anything about autism at all? Change is very distressing and disruptive. I don’t think they know much about the mental illnesses their other clients have either. You’d think that would be required learning. How do you interact with mentally ill, mr/mmr and autistic people if you don’t know that much about them? How are you even able to do your job correctly? I know the woman at the very top of the peer/individual support stuff, she actually was my peer support circa 2011 or thereabouts. Don’t know how she got as far up the ladder as she did. She makes some stupid decisions and I do not believe she gives them much consideration. I don’t think she knows anything about the people she’s making decisions about! I was told that some of the people at the top are new-ish and they’re not all that nice. I was told they “aren’t the same company that hired me”. Kind of depressing. I’ve been with ACA on and off since 2007. I’d hate to see them change in a bad way.


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Apr 06 2025 April 6, 2025 April 6, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Now it’s not only the breathing but the allergies. They get worse and worse! Especially when both are happening at the same time. Torturous. I’m asking my doctor to refer me to an allergy doctor so I can have a new test and see if anything has changed in the fifteen plus years since I last had one. I’m hoping to get allergy shots like when I was a kid. Back then, I’d get at least one sinus infection per month. Always sick. I feel the same way now. 😣 The sensory problems I have amplify the awfulness by a lot. I can’t handle feeling this way. I’m actually feeling a little self-harmy. I’m sensitive and not built to handle whatever is wrong with me. I truly would rather break a few bones than suffer through this. The worst part is I don’t know if it’ll stop…

Also, some people are rude as fuck and need to learn to shut their fucking face.

Due to this health bullshit, I have exactly zero chill. None. Like I said, my nerves are rubbed raw from this experience and people just can’t take a goddam hint and leave me the fuck alone. I’m having the growing urge to slap the hell out of someone. It’s getting worse every day. I fear I might actually do it. I’m doing my best to keep my shit under control but I’m not doing a great job of it. I actually thought about checking myself into the hospital but I remembered parts of the previous time I went and decided not to. If waiting to get a room wasn’t so fucking tedious and miserable, I might actually have done it.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do now. I am so DONE with everything and everyone. This is wreaking havoc on my life. I can’t describe it or how I feel or why it’s affecting me this way. Probably has something to do with one of my greatest fears coming true…


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Apr 05 2025 April 5, 2025 April 6, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I have been thinking a lot about marsupials lately, because the North American Opossum is one of my favourite animals. They are chronically misunderstood and under appreciated imo. People think they’re gross and probably don’t feel too sad when they see one dead in the road, which is pretty much every day around here. 95% are immune to rabies and they eat a substantial amount of ticks. I know all this, but still wondered why they are North America’s only marsupial.  I never thought to look it up for some reason. They came from South America, which is not a place I ever associated with marsupials. Of course this was three million years ago and the marsupials of South America have since gone extinct. The Possum is the only marsupial that thrived in North America, all the others lost the battle with placental mammals. Another question I have is that since “Opossum” is an Algonquin  word, why are their Australian cousins, who are also adorable, also called Possums? How’d that come about? I’m not sure how to phrase that simply in google so that I’d actually get an answer. I’m not very good at that lol. I write too much and very specifically in the search bar and Google is like “wut u talkin about”

I also saw a picture of a Quokka just now and almost died from the cute. I love marsupials, they are so unique and cool. If I ever visited Australia I’d just be doing wildlife stuff, hell with everything else 😆 Australia is lucky to have so many of these beautiful animals. North American wildlife is beautiful and fascinating, but I wish we had more marsupials.

See, they are cute!! 🥰

Anyhow!

My allergies are soso bad today, I don’t know what the fuck is happening. I mean I know what’s happening but WHAT IS HAPPENING. The yellow snow is omnipresent. Wish it would rain and get some of this yellow bullshit out of the air. I love trees and plants but wtf.

Had another argument with mom and I’m just not talking to her right now. I’ve had enough for today. She has been trying to adopt this hardass attitude for the past bit and it’s really straining things between us. And of course there’s the ever present passive aggression, which has been a problem for years, maybe even the past decade. The older she gets, the worse it gets. She can’t stop taking digs at me. I’m sick to death of it. She hates the term “passive aggressive” but if the shoe fits…you’re gonna have to wear it. 😑

Don’t dwell on this shit Serina….think about possums and quokkas. Possums and quokkas. Kittens and puppies. Fluffy little round birbs. Pygmy goats. Ferrets and raccoons. Red pandas. Bunnies. Psychopathic but occasionally altruistic dolphins.

Thats better. Haha.


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Apr 04 2025 April 4, 2025 April 5, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I swear to god my nerves are rubbed completely raw by two weeks of not being able to breathe properly. I’m at the end of my rope, not exaggerating at all. It seems like anything can trigger it now, especially being hassled about stupid things. I asked mom not to do that, because she was starting to do it and I could already feel it coming on. She said she wouldn’t do it anymore. All I did was ask. I wasn’t acting mad or anything. She then acted passive aggressive, as usual, and accused me of doing something I didn’t which triggered it and I just lost my mind. I have not been that white-hot angry in a long time. I just don’t understand why she has to be that way. I asked in the nicest way I could that she not hassle me because of the problem I’m having and she can’t help herself. The last two weeks have been torture. Not being able to breathe properly is one of my worst fears and it has come true, much worse than the two previous times it happened. It is pure torment. An episode of it can last up to eight hours straight, no matter how hard I try to get it under control. I had a couple of decent days where I had it calmed down, but the past two have been pretty bad. I just don’t understand her thought process or why she said what she said when she knew that would trigger it. I did apologise for flipping my shit, and she apologised saying she would try not to be so passive aggressive towards me. So everything is fine now.

Dad caught whatever virus she had, so we went to dinner at Pizza Hut without him. It was good, I got my pepperoni melts and rambled on about serial killers and stuff.

I was watching YouTube last night and a new fear has been unlocked. The YouTuber (kallmekris, who I love) mentioned the “devils itch” and of course I wondered what the hell that is because it sounds very unpleasant. I paused the video and googled it. I found a subreddit called “hellsitch” which is another name for it. It’s also called “suicide itch” o_o The thread I landed on was people telling their stories about having hells itch. Apparently a sunburn causes it. Doesn’t even have to be a bad sunburn. It seems to happen on peoples backs a lot, but I saw a story about a guy having it on his legs. It’s supposed to be this all over, deep in the skin horrible stabbing itch that scratching only makes worse and the things people might typically put on a sunburn to soothe it just makes it worse. A few people said they were genuinely ready to self delete during it. Thrashing around, screaming, crying, and general crackhead behaviour seemed to be the norm in the stories I read. I was so freaked out because I plan to go to the sandy beach at the lake this summer as much as I can, since it’s the closest thing to a vacation I’m gonna get. I do get a bit sunburned even if I wear sunscreen and sit under an umbrella. I also swim in the lake which washes some of it off. A lot of the people it happened to wore sunscreen. I’m now terrified this will happen to me 😭 It sounds hellish. I honestly think I’d rather break a bone than have that happen to me, same with this breathing problem. I’d gladly trade it for a broken bone or five. But yeah, that scared the shite outta me! I should not google these things, they only serve to scare me. But it’s like a train wreck…horrible but you can’t look away 😅 and I’m a sucker for scary medical stories…like that lady with the phantom itch on her scalp (heard this one on a MrBallen podcast) who scratched her scalp in her sleep and actually wound up scratching through her scalp, which did something to the skull to make it soft…and she woke up with green goo on her head which turned out to be cerebrospinal fluid. She actually gave herself brain damage and was half paralysed because she scratched through to her fucking brain. She had surgeries and medicine but it never went away. That one made me so nervous, I started feeling weird sensations in my head! I remember an episode of House that used that particular case as the plot. It freaked me out then but I had no idea it was real and could happen.

i haven’t used my allergy drops yet because of how bad they supposedly taste. I did try the Flonase my doctor prescribed and it seems to have worked since I got home tonight. Having terrible drainage exacerbates the breathing problem. I don’t know what’s up with these allergies, this year seems like the worst I’ve ever had them. Endless snot. All day every day. Ugh. I haven’t caught what mom had so that’s not it. I’m not sick at the moment. It’s all fucking pollen and shit. It’s like yellow snow, all over everyone’s cars and other surfaces. Makes me cringe knowing I’m breathing it in.

Writing this has calmed my breathing, as it did last night. It seems I have to be putting mental effort into something for it to calm. But I can’t write all the time. I think I’ll take a nap or something and hope that will calm it even more, so when I wake up I’ll have a chance at having a decent night.


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Apr 03 2025 April 3, 2025 April 3, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I can’t breathe. I think eating might have triggered it. I took an extra Ativan and am praying it helps. It makes me sweat and I can’t fucking stand it! It’s 80 and humid outside and I just can’t. The snot isn’t helping either.

Speaking of snot, I did get my allergy drops today. It’s made of bright eye and stinging nettles or something. It has great reviews, but everyone says it tastes like assholes. 🙁 I guess I’ll have to choke it down if I want some relief. My allergy medicine isn’t working anymore so I had to try something different.

I know for sure the allergen spray I got works, because I forgot to spray it in my bedroom last night and had a bit of trouble with my eyes being itchy and watery. Not as bad as it was before the spray, but still.

I’ve been listening to a playlist of newer goth music on Spotify and much to my surprise, I really like a lot of it. Some of the music on it is what I would call synth pop but I like that too. I had been pretty much listening to the same bands for 25 years because I’m stuck in the 80s, 90s and early 2000s when it comes to goth, and other music in general. I don’t really listen to music made in the last 15 years because….remember that episode of South Park when it’s Stan’s birthday and suddenly every song he listened to sounded like shitting noises? That’s me. I swear to god there’s a South Park episode for every damn situation 😂. But really, most top 40 music sounds likes shit noises to me. I fucking hate rap/hip hop in the state it’s in. Actual shit. Used to be good stuff. Now that I’m thinking about it, I now have “Regulate” by Nate Dogg and Warren G stuck in my head. 😆 Good shit. What the hell happened to popular music? How did we start out with guys like Grandmaster Flash and end up with garbage ass mumble rap or whatever? I could rant about that for hours, but I won’t.

I remember one time I was walking in town with mom and I suddenly couldn’t go any further because I totally overheated, so she had to walk back and get the car. We stopped at this auto repair and detailing place and she asked them if I could sit there until she got back with the car. I sat there while these guys were cleaning someone’s car and they would put their own music in the cd player and listen to it really loud as they work. When I say that rap was gross as hell, I’m not exaggerating. I was turning red. I was the lone female around a bunch of guys and the music was like “Ima fuck that pussy” and much worse stuff I can’t remember. I’m not a prude, okay? I have listened to some truly vulgar metal in my day but this shit surpassed it all. I just scrunched up my face and sat there feeling embarrassed for some reason. I’ll admit there are some older rap songs with questionable lyrics that I like (that one Missy Elliott song, iykyk) but god damn! Guess it’s not as disgusting when females sing about it? O_o eh

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow and I’m gonna ask her to put me back on the 100mg provigil prescription. I am sleeping way too much in the late afternoons. It’s fucking me up.

I haven’t caught whatever virus mom has…yet. I’m surprised. My immune system sucks.

My breathing has calmed since I started writing this, let’s hope it stays that way. Reckon I just needed something to concentrate on.


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Apr 01 2025 April 1, 2025 April 1, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I had the breathing under control yesterday, and it seems to be mostly okay today. *crosses fingers*

Mom is sick with some sort of awful virus. Me and dad will probably get it too. I’m really scared because I don’t know how it would affect my breathing issue. I’d probably wind up in the hospital out of fear and panic alone. A few mornings ago, I had a low sugar attack and it was probably the worst one ever. I call it low sugar even though I don’t really know what these episodes are. Anyhow, I was panting and breathing hard and didn’t think I had any milk (milk cures it for some reason I can’t explain) so I called mom freaking out and she told me she had gotten me milk and I indeed had some. I am so incredibly unobservant lmao. I quickly drank a full glass and had to wait about ten minutes for it to kick in. I fell back into bed, a sweaty panting mess, and waited for it to stop. It did its job, but the breathing thing went on. I was panting so hard and couldn’t get a deep breath which sent me into an absolute panic and I was thrashing around and thought I was going to die or something. It’s really scary. I knew I was having a panic attack of sorts but that didn’t make me feel any better. I’m afraid that’s what will happen if I get sick, because I don’t handle illness very well. I have a phobia of drowning/suffocating. Not being able to breathe right, basically. It’s one of my worst fears. I’m so afraid of shit like lung cancer, copd and whatnot. My worst nightmare. Ugh. 😣 I’m gonna stop talking about it.

I got a spicy crunch roll on the way home, one for now and one for later tonight. They actually heat up pretty well. It’s the only sushi I’ll eat except for nigirizushi, and I almost never find those anymore. The freaking Chinese place makes every other kind of fucking sushi but they refuse to make those. I don’t understand because they used to. I call the sushi guy who works there “Doctor No” because the times I asked if he would make nigirizushi, he would bark “NO!” At me o_o yikes…

I’m going out with Karen tomorrow, I hope she’s willing to go out of town. There’s nothing to do here. Which is weird because morganton has turned from a “clandestine manufacturing town” as a rather snooty article once described us, to a fucking hipster town over the past 15-20 years. Man-buns galore. There’s nothing but craft beer places, and stores that have expensive stuff I can’t afford.

A store owner in downtown said Morganton is like Asheville without (most) of the crime. I’d like downtown Asheville without the hippies and crime lol. Rather go there. Helene kind of destroyed it though. I haven’t been up there to see the damage yet. 🙁 It’s been six months but they’re not even close to recovering from it and a lot of people are still living in FEMA trailers. I don’t know how downtown fared, but I know the rural/residential areas got it really bad.

Well, that was a ramble. Guess I needed to write something.


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