I swear to god my nerves are rubbed completely raw by two weeks of not being able to breathe properly. I’m at the end of my rope, not exaggerating at all. It seems like anything can trigger it now, especially being hassled about stupid things. I asked mom not to do that, because she was starting to do it and I could already feel it coming on. She said she wouldn’t do it anymore. All I did was ask. I wasn’t acting mad or anything. She then acted passive aggressive, as usual, and accused me of doing something I didn’t which triggered it and I just lost my mind. I have not been that white-hot angry in a long time. I just don’t understand why she has to be that way. I asked in the nicest way I could that she not hassle me because of the problem I’m having and she can’t help herself. The last two weeks have been torture. Not being able to breathe properly is one of my worst fears and it has come true, much worse than the two previous times it happened. It is pure torment. An episode of it can last up to eight hours straight, no matter how hard I try to get it under control. I had a couple of decent days where I had it calmed down, but the past two have been pretty bad. I just don’t understand her thought process or why she said what she said when she knew that would trigger it. I did apologise for flipping my shit, and she apologised saying she would try not to be so passive aggressive towards me. So everything is fine now.

Dad caught whatever virus she had, so we went to dinner at Pizza Hut without him. It was good, I got my pepperoni melts and rambled on about serial killers and stuff.

I was watching YouTube last night and a new fear has been unlocked. The YouTuber (kallmekris, who I love) mentioned the “devils itch” and of course I wondered what the hell that is because it sounds very unpleasant. I paused the video and googled it. I found a subreddit called “hellsitch” which is another name for it. It’s also called “suicide itch” o_o The thread I landed on was people telling their stories about having hells itch. Apparently a sunburn causes it. Doesn’t even have to be a bad sunburn. It seems to happen on peoples backs a lot, but I saw a story about a guy having it on his legs. It’s supposed to be this all over, deep in the skin horrible stabbing itch that scratching only makes worse and the things people might typically put on a sunburn to soothe it just makes it worse. A few people said they were genuinely ready to self delete during it. Thrashing around, screaming, crying, and general crackhead behaviour seemed to be the norm in the stories I read. I was so freaked out because I plan to go to the sandy beach at the lake this summer as much as I can, since it’s the closest thing to a vacation I’m gonna get. I do get a bit sunburned even if I wear sunscreen and sit under an umbrella. I also swim in the lake which washes some of it off. A lot of the people it happened to wore sunscreen. I’m now terrified this will happen to me 😭 It sounds hellish. I honestly think I’d rather break a bone than have that happen to me, same with this breathing problem. I’d gladly trade it for a broken bone or five. But yeah, that scared the shite outta me! I should not google these things, they only serve to scare me. But it’s like a train wreck…horrible but you can’t look away 😅 and I’m a sucker for scary medical stories…like that lady with the phantom itch on her scalp (heard this one on a MrBallen podcast) who scratched her scalp in her sleep and actually wound up scratching through her scalp, which did something to the skull to make it soft…and she woke up with green goo on her head which turned out to be cerebrospinal fluid. She actually gave herself brain damage and was half paralysed because she scratched through to her fucking brain. She had surgeries and medicine but it never went away. That one made me so nervous, I started feeling weird sensations in my head! I remember an episode of House that used that particular case as the plot. It freaked me out then but I had no idea it was real and could happen.

i haven’t used my allergy drops yet because of how bad they supposedly taste. I did try the Flonase my doctor prescribed and it seems to have worked since I got home tonight. Having terrible drainage exacerbates the breathing problem. I don’t know what’s up with these allergies, this year seems like the worst I’ve ever had them. Endless snot. All day every day. Ugh. I haven’t caught what mom had so that’s not it. I’m not sick at the moment. It’s all fucking pollen and shit. It’s like yellow snow, all over everyone’s cars and other surfaces. Makes me cringe knowing I’m breathing it in.

Writing this has calmed my breathing, as it did last night. It seems I have to be putting mental effort into something for it to calm. But I can’t write all the time. I think I’ll take a nap or something and hope that will calm it even more, so when I wake up I’ll have a chance at having a decent night.