I saw my therapist today and as much as I love her, I couldn’t get my points through. Ahhhh. I don’t think she understands certain things and that “solutions” are not always simple when human emotion is involved. There’s a lot of factors, one being certain mental illnesses. Sometimes people can’t just “let things go” because they’re “in the past”. Sometimes the mind won’t allow that, especially in people with OCD, and other things. Sometimes the hurt won’t go away and it’s something people fixate and laser-focus on. That doesn’t just stop. It’s very complex! Feelings are very complex. It’s not black & white. I still love her to death, even if she doesn’t always understand. You really can’t truly understand someone unless you’re walking in their shoes anyhow.

I went to Belk with mom and I swear to god, plus size women’s clothing is so ugly. It kind of always has been. Years ago when online shopping wasn’t a big thing, I was forced to wear plus sized clothes that I found hideous, but that’s just what I had. I had my kmart goth clothes and my few precious Hot Topic things, but not a lot of it. Kmart was actually pretty awesome, btw. Anyhow, ALL the clothes were kind of ugly, even the smaller sizes. Everything was covered in ruffles. God I hate ruffles. I was helping mom look for pants and a shirt for summer. I might not dress that way myself, but I can definitely tell what looks good, especially on her. I talked her into a pair of short cargo pants and a light blue shirt. Not very descriptive, I know. I don’t think she’s ever worn cargo pants. I used to love them when I was younger. Anyhow, she got me some new sheets and some hand soap. She got two pairs of the pants to try them on, a pair of sneakers and a couple shirts. It was discounted like a LOT and that little tiny pile of stuff was over $400. DISCOUNTED! Without that, it would have been over $600. My mind was blown, that place is so overpriced! I saw a little rabbit thing, it was adorable so I picked it up to look at the price and it barely weighed anything. It was $32. Dayum. My new sheets were $160 but were discounted to $80. I can’t figure out what exactly she got that was so damn expensive. I remember when I was younger and she’d drag me to Belk with her to shop for clothes to wear to furniture market, which is kind of a big deal because you’re rubbing elbows with people like Ana Wintour and super rich people who just give you expensive stuff as free gifts. My mom used to get all kinds of expensive gifts from big magazine editors and would get lavish gift baskets around Christmas from Reps she made connections with. It was important to look good and she would spend upwards of $1500 on new clothing just for that 9 days of furniture market. Every year. Things were better back then, we actually had disposable income so she could afford to do stuff like that. I would sit there really bored and kind of miserable because it’s always hot in there, holding her purse while she tried on an ungodly amount of clothing and I had to to give my honest opinion. She actually picked good stuff for that businesswoman vibe she was going for.

I told her she should wear a short sleeved shirt because I’ll bet her arms get really hot in the summer. She won’t do it because of her “wings”, you know, flabby upper arms. Like who cares, wings are meant to fly! I have em too and all I wear are short sleeves. That’s not something I’m particularly self conscious about. She is, but she shouldn’t be. I keep telling her how people always tell me how pretty my mom is, and how shocked they are when they find out she’s in her mid seventies. Everyone thinks mom is in her 50s. I keep telling her that. She needs to get her self esteem back. So do I.

Both Kellie and Karen are coming tomorrow so it’s gonna be a long, busy day. It just kind of wound up that way somehow. I get to go out twice in one day. I hope Karen would be willing to go out of town. I don’t want to spend four fucking hours in Boreganton. lol

Oscar now thinks he is entitled to drink from the Brita filter every day now. He hops up and sits there, silently demanding me to turn it on. I’m impressed he can still jump as high as he does at his age. He’s a springy boy. I am concerned with how long he drinks though. He stays there for like ten minutes. I just leave him to it. I don’t pay for water anyways. I am worried he could have diabetes with how much he drinks. I have to start saving for that fucking expensive bloodwork. He needs it really bad.

My parents’ neighbours took in a cat with FIV. He is missing an eye as well, so he was named “Wink”. He’s the sweetest cat. They’ve been taking care of him for a couple of years now. They just found out he has diabetes. He has some kind of skin condition on his butt and bites and picks at it and he gets shots for that. He has good veterinary care. However, he does have the FIV, the neighbour said he was not doing well when I was there Sunday. I was upset by this and asked why. That was when she said he has diabetes. I said if it was managed well he should be fine. Somehow, the FIV is kind of something we don’t like to mention. She said he’s maybe got another year left in him and that really upset me. If he’s well cared for, he can live longer! I thought they should keep him indoors permanently, because he’s less likely to catch something that could kill him. I worry about that cat. He’s my favourite cat second to Oscar. Just a really sweet cat that got dealt a bad hand for most of his life, but now he knows what it’s like to be loved by the whole neighbourhood. I dunno, I guess the one year comment really got to me. I think most people wouldn’t want to care for a cat with FIV, and I commend them for that.

Omg my arachnophobia got triggered SO bad today. I was going, once again, to get Chinese takeout. Mom pointed out that there was a BIG hairy black & white spider on the door. I freaked out and backed further away. I had the fight or flight thing happening and I wanted to FLIGHT. Finally the little bastard skittered out of sight to the top of the door. Mom opened the door and told me to come in. I refused because I was convinced it would jump on me from above. I was absolutely freaking out, people were probably wondering wtf was wrong with me. I finally just made a break for it and ran in as fast as I could. I got my food and paid but realised I had to go back out the same door. I said I didn’t know if I could leave 😭 I wound up running out again, finally. I have not freaked out so hard about a damn spider in 20 years. Last time, I had gone into my great aunts old chicken house to look for something in an old chest she had in there. Mom came with. I wound up, somehow, between two spider webs with one big spider on each. To this day, I can’t figure out how I got trapped o_o I crouched down to the floor and bawled. Mom had to take care of the one in front of me, but I was still afraid to move. I don’t remember how I got out.

I fucking hate spiders. Why do they have to look like that??? The worst part is there’s probably at least one in my apartment as I write this. 😣 *shudders* Funny thing is I’m not scared of most tarantulas…weird, right? The ones the size of dinner plates can fuck right off, though. No ma’am.

I was watching a video last night about the raunchiest scenes in R rated comedies. I have always loved that kind of movie. I wound up ordering some I didn’t have off Amazon. I grew up on raunchy 80s toilet humour movies lol. My parents let me watch whatever 😬 They helped my young tween self rent R rated horror movies. I definitely didn’t have helicopter parents and I’m glad about that. I got to watch all the dirty nudity and sex filled slasher movies I wanted. 😆 My mom strongly disapproved of Ren & Stimpy though, but me and dad loved it. That was really the only thing she openly disapproved of. Ren & Stimpy was Teletubbies compared to some of the animated stuff I watched on late night HBO! Those were the days, man. There was a show on HBO I think, that had a block of various adult animations, like Aeon Flux and The Maxx. I miss that stuff so much. I miss being a young kid and discovering cool stuff like that, even if I probably shouldn’t have been watching it. 😅

I watched another video from the same channel about “90s cartoons you forgot were awesome”. I never forgot them. Now I want Gargoyles and Batman: The Animated series on DVD. There were a lot of others I loved. My whole childhood was in that video 😭 I was really hit with the nostalgia last night.

Well, I have made a massive ramble again!  Writing did calm my stupid breathing problem. 👌