My breathing problem is worse today than it was when it first started happening. I’m glad I have a doctors visit soon. Something’s got to be done about this. I’m just…exhausted. Combine that with terrible allergies…I feel bad for complaining about other stuff because of the blessing I received from God pertaining to my terrible anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I just feel bad, like I shouldn’t complain because I was given that relief. I simply don’t feel well because of the breathing thing. It’s hard to deal with every day, and the only thing that gets it back to normal is writing something. I have to be intently focused on something. Watching tv doesn’t work because I’m not engrossed enough. I think it’s because I’m doing something physical, like typing. The problem is, when I eventually have to get up and do something, it starts again. I can’t just sit around making blog posts all night, I’ve already run out of things to say! I don’t know exactly what to do other than pray about it and also hope my doctor can send me to a specialist. Mom says she’s going to ask for a CT scan before she refers me to someone, so maybe she’ll know more specifically what kind of specialist to send me to. I’m glad mom thought of that, because I definitely wouldn’t have. She’s made a list of things to talk to her about. I am also pretty sure at least one of my toes is fractured 😅 I kind of did that to myself. The anxiety really got bad for a while because of the breathing problem and when I get sick (or just feel really bad) I abuse the hell out of my right foot. I don’t know why! I flex and squish my toes and dig them into things. When I had Covid the first time, it actually felt really good to do that. I have a low pain tolerance, so wtf? It’s like that pain felt good somehow and I don’t get that 0_o I don’t like pain. I’m not a masochist. But something about doing that with my foot….freaks me out. I don’t enjoy the after effects though. Lately I randomly cry out in pain because my toe sends a wicked pain up my foot, almost like an electric shock. It hurts really bad. I’m flexing and bending my toes as I write this. It’s a compulsion I can’t get rid of. I also have terrible restless leg in my right leg every night which makes the whole thing worse because I can’t stop moving it! I’ve tried the intense  stretches I’ve always done to ease it but those don’t seem to work anymore. It keeps me awake. There has got to be a way to treat that. Ramble ramble ramble.

I had to cancel all my plans today because I would have only gotten about two hours of sleep and can’t function that way. I was supposed to have bloodwork and go out with Kellie. I feel a little bummed about it, but I did have a nice afternoon with mom after I got some sleep. I have to do the bloodwork tomorrow. I also go out with Karen tomorrow so I hope I can get some decent sleep. I had been falling asleep pretty fast for a few mornings but my leg said “not today, bitch!” Haha.

Oscar is nuts. Coocoo bonkers. I know I’ve said that a few million times, but today when I took a shower, I shut him up in the chill room so he wouldn’t piss in my laundry basket. He decided to jump up on the dresser and knock a whole bunch of my jewellery off. He’s also now drinking from the brita filter several times a day. He begs me or mom (whoever’s in the kitchen) and we  feel bad and turn it on for him. I’m rewarding bad behaviour but I love him so much and don’t want to deny him things that obviously make him happy. I don’t know how many years I have left with him since he’s already an old boy. I want to make his senior years the best they can be, you know? I think everyone wants that for their beloved critters. I just don’t want him to get any crazier 😂

I got the pretzel crust cheese sauce pizza from little Caesar’s today for dinner and could only eat two slices. I also got some crazy bread and ate a few of those. I refused to get McDonalds again. The pretzel crust is my favourite thing about it but little caesars only seems to bring that particular pizza back every 30 years or so. I waited years to get it again. It’s like McDonalds bringing back the McRib and then yanking it away again 😭

I do wish I’d have been able to get up and go out with Kellie today. I’m feeling more regretful than earlier. I really wanted to go to Goodwill. I love talking with mom these days (for the most part haha, we still have minor tiffs once in a while) so the day wasn’t entirely lost. 🤗

Edit: okay I’m gonna cry. I got an email from Experian saying my credit score INCREASED. I go to the capital one app to check how much it increased, and it had freaking gone down 22 points to 690!!! My credit is “average” again 😑 In the Experian app, it’s 693 and described as “good”. I don’t know which to believe. I’m so disappointed, I don’t know what I did wrong. Why was I told that it increased? Ugh I hate this. “Average” is not good enough for me. I want it to be GOOD. Maybe even Excellent someday in the future.

This really bothers me too much…it’s not actually a bad score. It’s just that I finally got it over 700. I was so excited. 😞 22 points. What did I DO?