Category: life

Jan 21 2025 January 21, 2025 January 21, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I went leather jacket hunting and only found a small brown one, which I will further distress and make it a Nephs jacket. It’s kind of small and would probably fit a girl. It’s good practice. All the other leather jackets had a seam down the back, so I didn’t bother because it would ruin the art. I was hoping for motorcycle style jackets but some dude picked up one as soon as I walked in the store and it was the only one 😭 Almost  every other thrift store was closed! I don’t understand that, their weekend is Sunday and Monday, but they’ve started taking Tuesdays off as well. I also checked our local goodwill which is open all week, found nothing. I feel like they moved things around in there and it confused me.

We went and ate and she started talking politics and I was answering vague with stuff like “mhmm” or “I don’t know enough about that to comment on it”. lol. Oh it makes me so uncomfortable. Please do not do that. To be fair, she doesn’t know how much I hate it and I don’t know how to say “I don’t want to discuss politics, please” without sounding rude. 😅

Discussing politics and religion ends friendships, I know this firsthand. Some of my friends were always the aggressive and often straight up hateful ones and I’m just kind of meek and don’t say what I think because I was afraid of losing said friendships. Finally realised they were toxic as radioactive fuck and just left Facebook altogether. Bye bye bye! My mental health got a lot better, I’ll tell you that. Leave Facebook alone if you value your mental health. It’s a treacherous hive of scum and villainy. I promise you’ll be happy you did. This goes for any social media, really, but facebook is where my problem materialised.

I ate too friggin much and thought I was gonna hurl for about an hour. It was miserable. I told karen and mom to please just pimp-slap me as hard as possible if I ever try to order two portions of something again. I think I learned my lesson. Those river chips are so good though.


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Jan 21 2025 January 21, 2025 January 22, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I’m going out with Karen today, my plan is to hit as many thrift stores as possible and try to find leather jackets. They don’t seem to pop up very often; probably because they get bought quickly. I’ve been lucky a couple of times and got a white one which is beautiful, and a black one.

My plan for the white jacket is to do a punk Sailor Moon theme, which I’m sure will sell. I’m debating about dying it pink before painting the back. I don’t know if I want to deal with the mess, however, as well as any specialty stuff I might have to get to do it correctly. I want to put either spikes or studs on the shoulders or a combination.

The black one, I’m not sure entirely. I was thinking maybe the old Sisters of Mercy logo? The newer one is rubbish (no offence intended, uncle Andy) so I would go with the old one as it’s iconic. I considered doing The Mission as well.

I would love to find a brown one I could distress all to fuck and do a dusty-looking Nephs jacket. That said, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. I haven’t painted on a jacket in 20 years, and I’d be doing it for someone else, not myself. I might have to break out the actual paint and brushes sometimes which I’ve never used on a jacket. It was always whiteout before. I have a lot to learn if I’m actually going to get anywhere with this, but I am certainly willing to learn whatever I need to. I am excited! Could I be moving towards  a more productive life?

I had my secondary cataract lasered off this morning. Most of the time was spent in the waiting room, then spent about ten minutes in a dark room waiting for the drops to dilate my eye. The actual procedure took about two minutes. I sat in a chair, put my chin and forehead on the rest bars and zap zap zap, it was done. My right eye is still a little bit blurry, I would have thought it would be back to normal hours ago. I’m probably worried about nothing though.

There was suddenly a godawful smell throughout my house, anywhere doors weren’t shut, so I guessed it had to come from the kitchen. It always comes from the fucking kitchen. It was so bad I didn’t want to be in my own house and sprayed air fresheners constantly, but nothing was getting rid of it. I looked all around and found nothing. Mom took a look and brought a bag of rotten apples from the very back of my fridge. How’d I miss that? Well, it’s gone now. It smelled like puke.

Edit: I found a few old pictures on my laptop!

First here’s an itty bitty pic of me from 2003, I was 17 or 18. I don’t know why I cropped it so small.

Next, here is a macro I took of a house spider (jumping spider?) eating a fucking fly. This is the meme I made of it lol. Dad is the one who pointed it out and suggested I take a photo. That’s a can of Pepsi max and a sausage wrapper sitting behind it. This was on my deck. And yes, I am very scared of spiders. This was around 2013. I also did not have a smartphone and was using an excellent digital camera. RIP fly, I guess.

This one is from my terminal Naruto fandom days, specifically 2007 or some time before that. I drew Rock Lee on my thumb, named it “leethumb” and posted it to a bunch of Naruto communities on Livejournal. He was a hit. I was a massive Naruto shitposter back then. Haha

And that’s all, have a good night!


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Jan 19 2025 January 19, 2025 January 19, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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So I get my right eyeball lasered tomorrow to get rid of that secondary cataract. Once again, I have to get up really early. Not as early as the cataract surgery, but early enough. I don’t think I’ll bother with sleeping.


Jan 19 2025 January 19, 2025 January 19, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Oscar needs a vet checkup, badly. Tonight he started acting kind of weird (for one, he jumped up in the fridge and did NOT want to come out) and I said to myself  “whatever, buddy’s just having an off day.” But when he hopped up on the bed and came near my face….oh lort, the smell. His breath is RANK. This just started tonight. His breath is usually standard fishy cat breath, but tonight…he wasn’t even facing me and I was smelling it really strong. What really scared me was that I perceived that it smelled kind of sickly-sweet and that is a sign of chronic kidney disease in cats. I can’t describe how this is freaking me out. I just want him to live a long, happy life. Maybe I’m paranoid and smelling it wrong? He’s going as soon as I can get him an appointment.


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Jan 19 2025 January 19, 2025 January 19, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I hate being modest. I’ll clarify that I’m mostly modest about my chest. I will not show anything. However, when it comes to pants, I like them very tight. I do not like loose pants or straight legged pants, although there are rare exceptions. I don’t really wear short skirts either, mostly due to accidentally showing my whole ass one time at an Arby’s. Traumatised me for life. It’s mostly just my stupid chest. I decided to try something different though. I was looking for a simple black tank top and having a hell of a hard time, but I think I found one or two on Amazon and Old Navy. I was trying to find one with a slightly higher neckline but with the thin straps. And it has to have a fucking back to it. I don’t particularly like showing my back either. Weird, I know…but that’s how I am. I was going to wear mesh and fishnet tops over them. It’s a good alternative to fucking crewneck graphic tees all the time. Wearing them with skirts, I mean. I wear graphic tees with pants all the time. They just look shite with most skirts imo.

I have mini panic attacks if I feel weird in a top or think it’s too low. I’m having anxiety right now thinking about it. Should I take a gamble and try something new if I can find the right one? I think I like the old navy ones best. Most of the ones on Amazon had the models with tits OUT. It was off putting!

I genuinely think it’s autism. No one raised me to be this way.


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Jan 18 2025 January 18, 2025 January 18, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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The tights I sent back to GoodGoth were $48 and I was kind of counting on getting my money back, but they gave me store credit 🙁 Was there something wrong with them? I checked them for cat hair (gg is very stern about animal hair) and didn’t see any. So why just store credit? I went ahead and used it on jewellery from Alchemy Gothic, they make beautiful stuff. I got my favourite ankh there years ago so I’m glad to have something else from them. It’s a cool looking black bat necklace. Took up all the store credit. I was actually looking for tops that aren’t graphic tees, but nothing was in my size. :/ I got what I could out of it. I don’t know why it’s so difficult to carry plus size clothing, it’s usually what sales out first. Hopefully I’ll be at a point someday that I don’t need plus sizes, because that’s annoying.

I’m trying to install the software for the 3D printer. Wish me luck and that I don’t fuck it up somehow.

Karen told me there’s another guy in my complex who has a 3D printer. I was surprised. I asked her to ask him a few questions for me because he’s had his for years and never had any problems with the building management. I want to know how to clean the air of microplastics in that room so I don’t breathe that crap in, and I want to know if he’s ever had a problem with the noise since it’s about 50 decibels. Anyways I had a bunch of questions, hope she didn’t forget to ask him.

I’m trying to find a cool stl file to print for dad as thanks for him putting that thing together for me. He wanted a skull with AC/DC on it, but I haven’t been able to find anything like that and have no knowledge of 3D modelling software. Maybe I can find him something else AC/DC related and I’ll find him a cool skull thingy as well. I’m going to check Etsy again. I already looked on all the other stl file sites. Wonder if I could pay someone to make one…

Edit: I did find some really neat AC/DC stuff on Etsy. I found an Angus Young statue that I think I’ll print for him as well as the band logo. I also found a skull that you can put stuff in. So there you go, AC/DC and skulls lol. I hope he likes them.


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Jan 18 2025 January 18, 2025 January 18, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Since I’ve found a way (so far! *crosses fingers*) to control the sebhorric dermatitis on my scalp, I’m going to grow my hair back out. When it gets long enough, I’m going to try something I’ve always wanted to do; Bettie Bangs. 😀 I love Bettie Page and her trademark bangs. I always wanted that style but don’t know any hairstylist who knew how to cut them, nor did I know how to cut my own hair. It worries me that my hair is so baby-fine and curly…I’m sure that second part could be tamed by a flat iron. My hair used to be really thick and coarse and not as curly, but thyroid illness and PCOS changed the texture of my hair and kind of thinned it out as well. I’m looking into hair growth treatments, be it oils, capsules, chews, whatever. I wish the texture would go back to how it was in my 20s but I don’t suppose that will happen. I’m just hoping Bettie bangs are achievable with very fine hair. I want those bangs with a goth undercut. I don’t know if I’ll be able to find a hairstylist who can do this or if I’ll have to try myself. I used clippers on myself before cutting my death hawk but that’s about it. I have little hand-eye coordination lol. I’m also scared of hot tools because of that lack of coordination, I ALWAYS burn my fingers. I don’t know how long it will take to grow my hair to a length that I can cut them…maybe below the chin. I think Bettie bangs would look okay at that length, not quite how I’d prefer, there would be a lot of growing out left to do. I’m just impatient. 😅

I watched a bunch of tutorials tonight on how to cut them, so I think I have a pretty good idea. Might need someone’s help.

I really thought I was going to be stuck with buzzed hair forever haha. It’s not “me” and there’s no point in bleaching or dying it as it grows out pretty fast and I’d just have to buzz it again. Glad I got that sorted out.


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Jan 16 2025 January 16, 2025 January 17, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Oh my god, I tried on my tights from KILLSTAR on and they FILLED UP WITH AIR. 😆 I had to squeeze it out! They are a size 4X, and I probably should have sized down, but they’re fine. They’re a bit looser than I expected but that’s okay, they remind me of the black PVC pants I used to have eons ago, except these have a holographic rainbow-y shine. I can tell you one thing for sure about these; do not wear them in the summer. That material is not moisture wicking.

My skater dress fits great. I just gotta take it to the seamstress in town and have her jazz up that keyhole titty window with the materials I bought. I think it’ll look really neat once she’s done with it. Oddly, the other beautiful dress I bought also has a very small keyhole opening, but it shows nothing so I’m not worried about it. I’m not sure what the point of it being there is.

I was talking to mom about what I needed to talk to my therapist about next week. I told her it’s the intense self loathing I have and how I think it might be body dysmorphia but I want her to validate that so I can stop thinking I’m nuts! I focus on my entire head, particularly my face. I hate everything about my face. When I say “hate”, I don’t mean “dislike”. I mean HATE. I am obsessed with what I hate. I wish I had a lot of money, I’d just have a surgeon make everything I hate look at least tolerable/decent so I could finally feel mostly okay about myself. I never expect “great”. I’ll probably never feel great about myself. I just want to not obsess over it constantly. To not look in the mirror and just wonder why I’m so unfortunate in looks. To not constantly pick myself apart. I feel like if a few certain things were tweaked I’d feel a lot of relief. I know some of these things can be changed, I just don’t have loads of money to throw at it. All the money I make on Etsy, no matter how much or little, is going to a “fix my face” fund. 😑

Some people probably just think I’m vain or whatever, maybe I am. But someone who hasn’t dealt with this (body dysmorphia or whatever it is but I’m pretty certain it’s that) can’t know what it feels like to hate themselves that much. It’s not normal. It’s horrible. It’s a horrible feeling to not be able to love yourself.

I guess I’ll go futz around on photoshop and try to design the banner for my Etsy shop. Sorry for the intensely negative entry. I know no one wants to read that shit, but it’s a blog. Gotta vent or I’ll go bonkers. 😅 Just know that I’m not like this ALL THE TIME. I laugh, I have fun sometimes, and sometimes this is how I feel. I’m not about to cut my wrists or get hospitalised or anything. I just feel like shit, you know?

Oh, and my cheese fries came out good, I put more cheese on them and left them in the oven for 2 minutes instead of five to melt the cheese. It stayed gooey longer this time. I still want to try making the cheese sauce because that’s my all time favourite topping for fries.

Edit: just watched a scientifically accurate video about the vagus nerve. I am now creeped out by the vagus nerve.

Edit 2: what’s all this nonsense I’m hearing about Neil Gaiman?? Whatever, it’s kind of ruined my day before it started! I didn’t think he was the type to do that sort of thing. Innocent until proven guilty though.

I’ll always love Sandman, it was very important to me in my teenage years….and beyond that. I try to separate the art from the artist. Seems like I’ve had to do quite a bit of separating these past few years…unfortunately. 🙁


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Jan 15 2025 January 15, 2025 January 15, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I finally sent in a work order in my ActiveBuilding app, the one I use to pay my rent and whatnot. I asked if the light in between mine and my neighbours doors could be fixed because it’s not bright enough at night, unlike in the other buildings. It actually goes off when I get to the top of the stairs, leaving me in the dark which is creepy and annoying. It’s also uncomfortable going up and down those stairs in inadequate lighting, which is something I do frequently. I don’t think my neighbour goes out at night often but I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if it’s fixed lol

I got my KILLSTAR package! I haven’t opened it to try stuff on yet, I will do that later tonight. I also got the ‘Some Wear Leather, Some Wear Lace’ book, which I’ve been looking at since it came out many years ago, but it was expensive and I didn’t have money back then. It’s yet another thing I should not have bought but I’m super happy to have it and excited to look at the photos in it. It’s a photo book of 80’s goth culture and fashion. There’s also one specifically chronicling deathrock fashion which I plan to get at some point. I’d never seen that one before but it looks super cool. That’s kind of how I used to dress in the mid-2000s. I was more subdued but had my big black fluffy death hawk and personally customised spiked leather jacket with band names written on it in white-out, but I still wasn’t as extreme-looking as other people. I dressed more like a dude. I made lots of friends in that scene. We all lost touch over time. I miss them.

I think I will customise leather jackets and sell them on Etsy because I was actually pretty good at it, and now know more now about how to make the custom painting last instead of chipping off over time. I have a couple thrifted leather jackets lying around waiting to be mutilated haha. I could probably do requested custom ones too. I should look into this more seriously because these jackets often sell for a couple hundred bucks or more. I buy leather jackets at thrift stores whenever I find them in anticipation of something like that. I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while now but not sure how to get started.

I’m trying to reserve my Etsy shops name but damn they make it difficult…it’s ’The Horror of Belladonna’. Weird name, I know. Gotta verify my bank account and ID. Like, can I just make the shop and do that afterwards? I also had to make a first listing, which is stupid. It’s a dummy listing which I will immediately delete when the shop is verified. I hope no one sees it before I can delete because it’s absolute rubbish!

Edit: I’m gonna use that remaining $100 from my $500 Self payout to pay off most of my pc Affirm costs. The pc was $300-something and I’ve paid off a lot of it but it’s like $27 a month. I want to get that paid off asap. I had planned on asking about filling in a scar on my face at the tattoo laser consultation but I’ll leave that for another time. I need to rid myself of some of these payments.

Listening to: Seraphim Shock – After Dark


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Jan 15 2025 January 15, 2025 January 15, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Got my wig in the mail! Haven’t opened it yet, guess I’m a bit nervous. I got a massive Temu delivery, like everything came at once and I was not expecting it. I sat down and opened stuff. Thought about making a video but I was in my jammies. Excuses! I “returned” a few things because they did not fit the description on the site, or just didn’t fit period. I got a belt and when I saw it said “the fuck kind of necklace is this?” It was that big around. You would have to be maybe a size xxs to get this thing around your waist. It only came in one size. It’s a real shame, I would have loved it were it big enough. I wound up with $30+ in credit. I got some really cool stuff aside from that. I’m going to have to take a picture of all the stuff I’ve gotten so far, because it’s a LOT.

I’m trying to get my peer support to confirm whether or not she’s coming at 9:30 this morning. I texted her and had a short conversation but I can’t get her to say yes or no even though I’ve asked plainly at least twice. I love this girl but she can be a little bit hard to communicate with sometimes…

Edit: checked out the wig, he didn’t tease the sides like I asked. I’m trying to do it like he did. I decided I liked the first one better but there’s not really anything I can do about it, pretty sure he’d be super annoyed with me! I’m going to order another one from him down the road. I just have to get some of these damn affirm and Klarna plans paid off first, I can’t compound any more.

Edit 2: Amazon refunded me $12 for something I don’t remember buying. Not complaining, but…???

Listening to: Horror Vacui – In Darkness You Will Feel Alright


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