Oh my god, I tried on my tights from KILLSTAR on and they FILLED UP WITH AIR. 😆 I had to squeeze it out! They are a size 4X, and I probably should have sized down, but they’re fine. They’re a bit looser than I expected but that’s okay, they remind me of the black PVC pants I used to have eons ago, except these have a holographic rainbow-y shine. I can tell you one thing for sure about these; do not wear them in the summer. That material is not moisture wicking.

My skater dress fits great. I just gotta take it to the seamstress in town and have her jazz up that keyhole titty window with the materials I bought. I think it’ll look really neat once she’s done with it. Oddly, the other beautiful dress I bought also has a very small keyhole opening, but it shows nothing so I’m not worried about it. I’m not sure what the point of it being there is.

I was talking to mom about what I needed to talk to my therapist about next week. I told her it’s the intense self loathing I have and how I think it might be body dysmorphia but I want her to validate that so I can stop thinking I’m nuts! I focus on my entire head, particularly my face. I hate everything about my face. When I say “hate”, I don’t mean “dislike”. I mean HATE. I am obsessed with what I hate. I wish I had a lot of money, I’d just have a surgeon make everything I hate look at least tolerable/decent so I could finally feel mostly okay about myself. I never expect “great”. I’ll probably never feel great about myself. I just want to not obsess over it constantly. To not look in the mirror and just wonder why I’m so unfortunate in looks. To not constantly pick myself apart. I feel like if a few certain things were tweaked I’d feel a lot of relief. I know some of these things can be changed, I just don’t have loads of money to throw at it. All the money I make on Etsy, no matter how much or little, is going to a “fix my face” fund. 😑

Some people probably just think I’m vain or whatever, maybe I am. But someone who hasn’t dealt with this (body dysmorphia or whatever it is but I’m pretty certain it’s that) can’t know what it feels like to hate themselves that much. It’s not normal. It’s horrible. It’s a horrible feeling to not be able to love yourself.

I guess I’ll go futz around on photoshop and try to design the banner for my Etsy shop. Sorry for the intensely negative entry. I know no one wants to read that shit, but it’s a blog. Gotta vent or I’ll go bonkers. 😅 Just know that I’m not like this ALL THE TIME. I laugh, I have fun sometimes, and sometimes this is how I feel. I’m not about to cut my wrists or get hospitalised or anything. I just feel like shit, you know?

Oh, and my cheese fries came out good, I put more cheese on them and left them in the oven for 2 minutes instead of five to melt the cheese. It stayed gooey longer this time. I still want to try making the cheese sauce because that’s my all time favourite topping for fries.

Edit: just watched a scientifically accurate video about the vagus nerve. I am now creeped out by the vagus nerve.

Edit 2: what’s all this nonsense I’m hearing about Neil Gaiman?? Whatever, it’s kind of ruined my day before it started! I didn’t think he was the type to do that sort of thing. Innocent until proven guilty though.

I’ll always love Sandman, it was very important to me in my teenage years….and beyond that. I try to separate the art from the artist. Seems like I’ve had to do quite a bit of separating these past few years…unfortunately. 🙁