I had one highlight yesterday, Christie took me out to eat again. We went to Oishii because I felt like Japanese, which is something I haven’t had since dad picked Kobe Japanese Steakhouse for his birthday earlier this year. For once, the grill dude got my steak mostly right, a true miracle. I was kind of aggressive in saying “mooing. As rare as you can legally make it. Please impart this to him.” Last time I said that, the girl just yelled “rare!” And it was awful. We then went to the grocery store and I got the makings for my cheesy ranch potatoes since I was going to be alone for thanksgiving. When I got home, I remembered I don’t have an air or deep fryer, which is kinda crucial as the potatoes have to be crunchy. Anyways…
I went home and took ANOTHER fucking nap because I have never been so god damned exhausted and burnt out in my life. I was also angry, me and mom parted a bit acrimoniously. I tried to be there for her by staying over last night so she wouldn’t be alone, but she didn’t feel like letting me come as well. I’m as scared and torn up as she is, that’s my DAD. I woke up at around 1am in the middle of one of the worst anxiety attacks I’ve ever had. What’s worse is that it lasted for hours. I was so hot and sweaty, couldn’t breathe right etc. Hotness would not go away and that feeling is horrible to me. I was hyperventilating too and it snowballed REAL fast into a full blown meltdown, I went off the fucking rails basically. When shit similar to this happens, mom just says “call the CVBH crisis hotline” and pretty much ignores me after that. I always refuse but this time I was too scared not to. Good god the alone-ness was crushing me. They’re supposed to come out to your home but I had asked for a female and they didn’t have any women, so I wound up talking to a dude for about an hour. Nice guy but he didn’t really understand the extent of what was happening, and I’m not really one to say “No, you have it wrong! Listen to me!” (Unless it’s about food, I guess) So I just kind of sat there. We chatted a bit about different things, one being Ozzy Osbourne who we both loved. I had calmed down a bit by the end of it and stopped crying, mostly. We ended that with some kitty cat talk. After that, I don’t actually remember what the hell I did. I did wind up trying bed at about 6:30am. I was so incredibly sore, I did not know what I could do other than take Aleve…my liver is really taking a beating lately since I’ve been taking 2 pills every twelve hours because it always fucking comes back, always. I don’t really care because I cannot have that pain all the time, and at least Aleve or Naproxen takes the edge off.
Like I said, tried sleeping but those Aleve did jack shit, and this is pain that’s right up there with some of the worst I’ve had. I laid there for god knows how long, tossing, turning, twisting, stretching, abusing my right foot because I do that when I’m sick or really stressed, for some stupid reason…I don’t know when the fuck I actually slept. I was terrified of being alone all day, but I couldn’t get out of bed. So very, very tired and sore. I just could not, even though the nice ladies next door wanted me to come over and eat with them. My joints and spine were inflamed or something. So I laid there, fucking depressed and miserable.
I finally got up to feed the beast but it was too early, so he harassed me for about an hour. Lori, the lady that cleans my apartment before inspections said she’d come over and do a few things. I was very happy to see another person, let me tell you. She did a few things, like cleaning up Oscar’s obnoxious cracker crumb mess, because I….i got nothing in me. To do anything. Not since dad’s diagnosis. I usually have no problem at all with hand vacuuming his bullshit messes but…nope. It was there for days. Things have gone to pot. Anyhow we chatted a bit and she mentioned a flea market she’d gone to today. I said I hadn’t been to a flea market in years. She said she’d take me next Thursday so I do have something to look a little forward to. That’s super nice of her, especially since this is the first time we really met and spoke, I’m always asleep when she cleans. God I hope Lauren is able to come Wednesday, if she doesn’t I’m gonna fuckin cry. She said she def is, but shit happens.
Now for the bad stuff. Dad STILL hasn’t had a biopsy. I’m assuming that’s because he’s very sick and liver biopsies are…should I call them invasive? They’re pushing a needle through your body into the liver with no real numbing, except locally. I guess it’s too much for him atm. 🙁 Mom said they did every test in the world today, including some type of scans. That shit has already metastasised. Aside from the tumour on the liver, there’s now one on one adrenal gland. They saw other suspicious things and were looking at the kidneys as well. They’re going to do brain scans to see if there’s any hint of it in his brain. I feel so sick. So so sick. I hope so much that he can come home for Christmas and open the presents I got him. I hope he’s on a treatment before that, because he should have been started on SOMETHING like a fucking week ago!!! Motherfucking get on it!! Oh my gawd. I’m so aggravated with the speed this is going! Do the god damned biopsy even if it hurts!! JUST DO IT. PLEASE. For the love of god. Just fucking do it.
FUCK CANCER!!!!! It seems to be so common on my mom’s side…but why dad??! She had it and beat it. Is it even possible for him? God I am so scared. So scared. What the fuck is happening.
Christie is taking me to Shartlotte tomorrow, we’re probably leaving at around noon. I need to see it for myself. I miss my dad. I’m trying so hard to compartmentalise my emotions, which is something dad does really well. I’m trying.
I only found out about the spread of it this afternoon and even though I’m extremely upset, I do not think I’ve processed it at all. I’ve just been reactive to the news as I expect any other person would. I don’t entirely know what’s going on but maybe I’ll have some answers tomorrow…
I have other non-related things to say, but it doesn’t feel appropriate after that.
I know this was disjointed, poorly written and I cursed a lot, but whatever, I don’t give two shits. It’s a blog. That’s what it’s for.
Guess I’ll make another post later.