Today was awful. I totally melted down, not an autistic meltdown, an I Can’t Take It Anymore meltdown. I was supposed to go out and have some fun. I woke up with bad pain, so I took Aleve which almost always takes the edge. It didn’t and the pain got way worse. Mom said something that made me bawl my eyes out before I even got out of bed. Great start to the day. I miss my dad so much. We were supposed to go several places, but only made it to the “good” Salvation Army, which wasn’t good this time. Walking around in there, I noticed I couldn’t walk straight. I don’t think I’ve been that unbalanced before. I don’t know if it was nerves, the shoes I was wearing, or…I don’t know. I was so achy I couldn’t go any longer. I got in the car and noticed one of my new earrings had fallen out. There was no position that my right leg, bottom and back didn’t hurt. I tried to reposition myself and a sharp shock of pain went through my right lower back and I couldn’t hold in the scream that wanted to come out. After that I cried and cried and cried some more for good measure. Aside from the pain, there were so many little things piling up on me that my mind snapped. I already handle stress very poorly. I really wished I was not alive at that point. I know I should probably be on “the fourth floor” right now, but I am not going there again. I thought I was going to puke so I laid back in the car seat and let cold air and music blast me. It’s all I could do. After a while of rag dolling in the car, mom talked me into looking around Michael’s for the foam board I needed. I had a hard time finding sheets that weren’t bent, gouged or marked. I heard talk on dolltube that Michaels made a big miniatures and dollhouse stuff drop. Nothing was new there. I was told those things would be put out in their next few deliveries. At least they’re getting it. I was kind of disappointed though. 🙁 I got my foam board and an extra green one. I want to see if it works as a green screen because that would be so fricken cool! Every background wouldn’t have to be plain white unless I wanted it to be. I also thought about patterned and glitter paper, but none of them were big enough. I would also like something for my fancy dolls to sit on that isn’t a fucking box of Triscuits 😅

I have a book about Vampires that’s very thick, but could only use it for a few more alternative styled dolls. Anyways. I’m very proud of how some of the later photos came out. I finally kind of got the hang of the basics. I made the white background in a few minutes because the previous pics were absolute trash. I redid every single one I’d done the night before. I totally wrecked myself both times 😮‍💨 Now I need to do my miniatures, dividing between Etsy and Temu/whatever else, like I’m going with clothes. Unfortunately I had to put the clothes someplace safe (in a box) and they got a tiny bit mixed up, so I’m not sure I even put the original outfits together as they came.

I am so tired, I freaking hate it. I hate needing naps all the time. I remember last time I took Provigil (narcolepsy/shift disorder med) it took a whole month, maybe more, to build up in my body and start working. I had to stop taking it because it causes terrible anxiety at a dose of 200mg and it about killed me! I’m doing 250mg of Nuvigil this time, which is in the same family of drugs. I hope it works at that dose. It took 200mg Provigil to help. I didn’t get to try 150 in that however, because it didn’t come that way.

I’m going to take yet another damn nap. I’m zonked.