Last few days have been rough. Might add to this later. It’s nap time 😬

Edit Monday: Dad went to the ER Friday and it sucked for all three of us. I’m not even going to get into it.

Sunday, I got to see dad at the house. Mom warned me he had gotten a lot worse in the week I hadn’t been there. He definitely was. He has to use a walker cane thing and is super slow. He’s fallen three times since Friday. It’s not that he hasn’t fallen, be did it sometimes over twenty years ago because of surgeries and stuff. But now he can’t get up alone and since it’s dead weight, mom can’t pick him up. It took two of their neighbours to get him to their car early this morning and they couldn’t keep him upright. He kept flopping over to one side.

So they get to the hospital. Today is the day he was supposed to get a liver biopsy. They couldn’t do it because he was too weak. They decided to keep him there for a couple days. They might do the biopsy tomorrow if he gets a little better. He got a couple CT scans and they found something “suspicious” on his kidney, adrenal gland…I don’t know if it was on both. They weren’t very clear with mom, and thus I am also confused. Also there were more large “masses” in/on the liver. I’m a bit confused about that as well. They think he’s fighting some sort of bad infection, and those other things in the liver could be abscesses. His temp was right at 104f Sunday. He’s been getting fevers daily for about a month now. At first the doctor thought it was caused by cancer but now they’re saying infection. I had an abscess on my armpit last year and it was dis-gust-ang, hurt like hell too! 🤮 Maybe that’s one reason he was complaining about liver pain. I hope that’s what it is because it would be awful if they were more tumours!

I have NEVER in my life seen my dad this bad. Never. And he’s been pretty damn bad off in the past, going back to his younger days. I’m am so scared that sometime soon, mom’s gonna call me at 3am to tell me something I don’t want to hear. 🙁

Okay I can’t talk about that anymore. I already feel a little ill from thinking about everything.

One of dad’s Christmas gifts might not be here until January 12th. Argh!! I didn’t realise it was shipping from another country! It’s in the darn mail using a shipping service I oddly am not familiar with. How’s it gonna be that late?? I’m gonna get him another shirt so he’ll have two for Christmas. I got mom her shirt and a lime green hydroflask. Wouldn’t be fair if he only had one. Oh, they put up their Christmas tree already. I was super happy to see it. Cheers me up!

I picked two pairs of boots from VampireFreaks for myself. I always order size elevens when shoe shopping online. They look pretty fucking sweet. I am having a hard time finding pants, but I seriously need more than two pairs! I looked on KILLSTAR and found a pair that can’t NOT fit, they’re 4X ffs! KILLSTAR decided it would be a good idea to not have a dang size guide. How am I to know if they’ll fit? For all I know, that 4X won’t be tight enough. 3X doesn’t fit me most of the time I’m shopping, which really fucks with my head considering I have lost 30lb in the past two years! 🫩 Then again, mom said she thinks their 3X is too small and that the waist measurements are smaller than usual by about 5-7 inches. wtf? I have never in my life worn a size 4X ANYTHING. My shirt size is 2X, but if I liked tighter shirts I’d fit into a 1X. I am NOT that fat! VF and KILLSTAR might both run somewhat small but that’s ridiculous. How the fuck am I supposed to know which to get? KILLSTAR customer service is useless, so I don’t know if I should bother asking for help from them 😒 The last pair of bondage pants I got from them were made of shite black fabric and part of the bondage strap of that shite fabric ripped out from the leg! I question the quality so I get a bit nervous about buying their pants, but I really like these. Why can’t they use something normal like stretch denim?! The plaid bondage pants I got from Hot Topic as a teen were 100x better quality. Why does everything suck now lmao

I feel like a goddam walrus. 🥺 *sighs*

Lauren took me to a psychiatrist appointment this afternoon and was very supportive when I told her about dad. Unfortunately she can’t come Wednesday like usual, which sucks because I really need someone to talk to that isn’t mom. Nothing against mom, but sometimes you need to talk to someone of a similar age since there’s more relatability. Her dad found out he had bladder cancer last year so we’re in the same boat, kinda.

Oscar came at me screaming for food as soon as I walked in, I told him to “calm all eight of your tits! I’m getting there!” He’s been driving me insane. It’s come to the point that I put him in another room when eating dinner because he ATTACKS.  He knocks shit over, tries to drink my friggin orange juice and licks the plate for crumbs of whatever I had. So aggressively too! I don’t know how to get him to chill out. I fed him ten minutes prior, you’d think he would be satisfied.

I’m still trying to figure out how to organise and catalog my movie collection. It’s massive. I have bought doubles because I forgot I already had it in my huge library! I have a whole Blockbuster in my dining room. 😅 I am not embellishing. I really do! Still waiting to get more book cases to house the rest. I believe I said before that I suck at managing my own space…