Well, I did it.
Last night, I was at my breaking point. Under a cut because it’s personal.
I was waffling between should I pray or shouldn’t I. I simply wasn’t sure about becoming a Christian. I didn’t know if I could be helped, honestly. I felt like I was too broken of a person to be salvaged. I still kind of wonder if I can ever be healed. I’ve never healed from anything for my entire life, tbh. I still suffer from the effects of some things. I had religious traumas, I guess you would call it. People said things and told me things when I was too young to understand. My grandmother told me that if I was bad, I could go to sleep and wake up in hell. My age was single digits. Little kids don’t go to hell, but I didn’t know that! I was so scared to sleep for a long time and thought I was definitely gonna die in my sleep and burn for eternity. I always resented her for saying these things to me. I genuinely believe I got PTSD from that experience, because it impacted me for life and warped how I viewed God because I thought it wasn’t fair. That led to more fear and panic attacks because, once again, I was sure I was going to hell. It messed me up into adulthood. You don’t put that on a little kid!! That was wrong of her and I am trying to forgive her. Forgiveness is difficult for me, because I tend to carry grudges for like….decades. I’m not sure how to forgive. I need guidance on that. Then, still in the single digit age range, someone told me about how the apocalypse and Armageddon are supposed to happen and that the world would be destroyed by fire this time, instead of a flood. This put the fear in me big time. After that, every time I saw a fiery sunset, I thought the end of the world was right there in front of me and that fire and brimstone were about to start dropping. Basically I was scared of the sky. If you’re a Christian that has kids, wait until they’re old enough to tell them this stuff. AND DON’T TELL THEM THEY ARE GOING TO HELL. It WILL push them away. That’s what happened to me. My parents never did that stuff, I don’t blame them for that. I think a lot of it had to do with severe OCD. I don’t remember a time without OCD. I’ve always had it. And maybe the undiagnosed autism had something to do with it too. Mostly OCD, I think. As I said before, people often ignore the “obsessive” component of the illness because the compulsive is way more visible. For me, the obsessive is so, so much worse. I would rather wash my hands 500 times every day or whatever else than obsess over horrible things that I can’t get away from. It’s like torture. Especially religious obsessions. The worst. Ever heard of scrupulosity? Yeah.
As usual, I’ve gone off on a tangent. I always feel like I need to give the whole story of my fricken life for context purposes. I do think it’s important to be aware of someone’s past experiences.
For a long time, I was agnostic. I guess you could say I was an “agnostic theist”. I heard that terminology recently and thought it fit better. I have never been an atheist. I can’t personally understand it. But yeah, I’ve always been a proponent of intelligent design and a creator. I just didn’t know who or what it might be. I tended to lean towards the biblical God though. But I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know how to interact with religious people. I figured I wouldn’t be accepted because of how I dress, piercings, or the objective fact that I’m fucking weird. I’m not changing how I dress to satisfy others. Mom said if they reject me for that reason, they’re not being very Christlike. She’s right. I did have a long conversation with mom today about this. I asked a lot of questions because I didn’t understand certain things, like if I was supposed to pray to God or Jesus or both. That always confused me. Some of my questions she wasn’t able to answer. I figured I’d ask a priest sometime because they probably get these questions a lot.
For example, dispensationalism I think it’s called. I don’t understand it. I don’t know if it’s a Catholic or Protestant thing. Or both. Something about why God doesn’t interact with humanity the way He did thousands of years ago. Why did He stop? I think this would be a time that we need Him most! I just find that curious and can’t understand why it changed. I’ve also felt like God forgot me, or flat out didn’t like me. I was very angry for a long time. There’s a Catholic concept of something called a “Dark Night of the Soul”. It’s people who suffer continuously. Also “victim souls”. I absolutely believe in the dark night of the soul, because I have been experiencing it for exactly twenty freaking years, since I was 19, and I don’t know if it’ll ever get any better. Is it even supposed to get better or do we suffer our whole lives? Maybe if I pray enough…? ahhh I’m not used to this way of thinking yet. I’m not accustomed to feeling hope, and admittedly I’m not feeling that hope yet, not strongly anyhow. I hope it comes to me in the future. I need it desperately.
When I was a kid, someone did tell me something that didn’t horrify me. It gave me comfort. They said whatever you’re going through, no matter what it may be, Jesus understands because he went through it too. I think they mostly meant mental stuff but I’m not sure. Most of my struggles have been mental and I wonder if what they said was true. I hope it is. It would make me feel a lot better if Jesus went through my particular experience.
What I’m trying to say is that last night, I was seriously considering downing a bottle of pills. I am at rock bottom. I contemplated if I should make a connection with God again. I wound up doing so and praying for forgiveness. I felt like it lifted some of the burden off my shoulders. Not all of it, but some. My body cooled down from the panic attack that was trying to happen and was keeping me awake, and I was able to fall asleep in a reasonable amount of time. I was thankful. I do feel a bit lighter. I wasn’t expecting some miracle healing or anything. Mom said I have to “build a relationship with God” but I’m not sure how to do that. I’ve never had that before. I don’t know how. I need to talk to her more tomorrow and maybe make an appointment with a priest. Write out all the questions I have and methodically grill the poor guy. 😅 I don’t know if I want to do the Catholic Church in my town, or travel to Lenoir. I actually started to take a conversion class at the local Catholic Church in 2018, but felt disillusioned because there was literally no structure in that class, everything was totally random and I NEED structure! I fell out of it because I stopped going to the class after a few times. I want to try the church in Lenoir because they might have a better class. The other one asked questions I didn’t know how to answer, like “What is God to you?”. I don’t know what to say to that. It might seem like a simple question, but I have a very hard time articulating my thoughts. I can’t put a sentence together in those situations. I don’t think I have the brain power lol. Maybe I also think my answer would be seen as stupid or wrong.
When I was hospitalised, they had this really annoying game in group therapy where they’d throw a big inflatable ball that had questions written on it and whatever question was facing you after catching it, you were supposed to answer. Mine said “What are your feelings on *some thing I don’t remember*”. I just said “I don’t have feelings.” And threw it to someone else. I didn’t have the words to answer that question so I said something “edgy” instead 😅 It’s just another example of me not wanting to participate in these group discussions. On any subject. Especially religion! I seriously want a conversion class to be like fricken driver’s ed. Just have a book and attempt to follow instructions. Take quizzes. I dunno. I wonder if it’s possible to actually fail one of those classes….that would be weird. 🤨 “You’re kinda dumb, so we can’t pass you. Have a nice time in hell.” I don’t think they’d do that. They aggressively seek converts. I don’t think they wanna turn anyone away, even if they suck at a class.
I want to feel like a child of God. I hope I’m able to get to that point. I’ve been feeling like a dumpster fire at high noon in July.
I want to end this on a positive note. I’ve found Jesus and I hope I’m good enough to be helped.
Sorry. That wasn’t very positive 😆 I’m so depressing lol
Okay I’m done. This was very stream of consciousness. And I rambled. I hope it makes some sense. I was writing things as they pop into my head. Haha