Omg the Chinese restaurant I always go to is suddenly under new management. I went yesterday to get takeout but they were closed and there was a sign on the door informing us of the change. I told mom “they’ll ruin it. They’ll change the food or something even dumber.” She disagreed because it would probably hurt their business. She was dead wrong. Dad picked Chinese tonight and as soon as we entered, a lady stopped us and said “I gotta warn you” and I thought oh god, what did they do. They make you pay up front instead of after eating, and half the damn food they used to have is gone. We just left and had Mexican instead. I’m so disappointed, that place was my ultimate go-to. There aren’t any other Chinese buffet places around. I particularly liked that place because it was owned by the same people that owned Good China, my original favourite, until it closed a looong time ago. Unfortunately this place had a sanitation grade of 86. I wonder if that had something to do with the change in management. It was so good though. I don’t know if any other place would have the delicious buttery potatoes I love so much. I’m so disappointed. I guess the new people are determined to run it into the ground. 🙁 If they don’t change what they’ve done, it WILL close. People coming out of there were not happy. I wrote entirely too much about that, but I’m upset!
The Mexican place was so fucking loud, I got very over stimulated because I couldn’t hear myself think. My ears were hurting. The people behind us were SO incredibly loud, this one chick laughed like a fucking donkey and it was driving me coocoo bonkers. I kept hissing “Shut the fuck UP!” all throughout dinner which mom and dad found amusing. I was already having a very bad day, which I will get to later. I was honestly ready to get up and tell them to tone it the fuck down a little. This close. I was on edge all day and all afternoon. Almost blew my top in there. I am so grumpy when I get over stimulated like that. 😑 Just have some common fucking courtesy for other people and don’t be so fucking loud! Fuck!
Oscar has lost his mind. I am super worried, he really needs the bloodwork I mentioned before. It’s like a switch flipped and his behaviour changed drastically over the span of about four months. It started with him jumping in the shower with me. The first time he did it, I screamed so loud the neighbour probably heard. He hit my leg and I was NOT expecting him to ever come in there. He then made that a regular thing. After that, he kind of stopped laying on the bed next to me at night. He’s obsessed with lying in the doorway. He might jump up for a few minutes but he’ll go right back to the door. That’s not to say he NEVER sleeps on the bed because he sometimes does, but he always chilled beside me while I watch videos at night. After that, I noticed yellow liquid in my bathroom laundry basket. I did not put two and two together, because I’ve told you I’m not that bright. Mom said he’d pissed in there. I had accidentally shut him in there one night, so I figured he did it out of necessity. I was really careful not to shut him in there again. Nonetheless, pee has been showing up in the laundry basket. I even propped it sideways against the bathtub and he STILL found a way to piss in it. I am perplexed because I don’t know when he’s doing this. I shut the door when I come out so he can’t get in, but still, there’s piss in my laundry basket. He might be doing it while I’m showering. I’m going to have to put him in the laundry room when I shower, I guess. His latest thing is jumping up on the kitchen counter and demanding I let him drink from the brita filter for ten minutes. Every time I go there to do anything, up he goes. Everything I eat, he desperately tries to get at. He eats a lot but has lost five pounds. That worries me the most. His eating habits haven’t changed, but he’s losing weight. I love this cat more than anything, and even though he’s driving me crazy lately, I am so worried about him! 😣
I am going ahead with getting the dog. It will be good for both me and Oscar. He needs a friend. It might take a while because I don’t know how much money I need to save. I’m going to ask Kellie if she still has the breeders contact info. I hope she does because I’m not sure how to find someone who breeds golden retrievers otherwise.
I got a few raunchy comedies (Van Wilder and Fast Times at Ridgemont High, specifically) in the mail that I’d ordered off Amazon but I had moved the blu ray player into the chill room, and I don’t feel like going in there to watch a movie. I feel like watching something hilarious and gross lately. I need to laugh.
The only thing that got me to laugh last night was CrunchyCat on YouTube. Luna always cracks me up no matter how crappy I feel. There’s always one video of hers I go back to if I need a serotonin boost. Basically, if you feel like hot garbage, watch some CrunchyCat videos. 10/10.
Now for the depressing shit, which I shall put under a cut.
I had a terrible night. I felt off, anxious and depressed. I was having bad thoughts. Not just self harm, but worse. I kept thinking I could easily take a bottle of pills. It’s getting worse and worse. My mental health hasn’t been this bad in a long, long time. I’m scared to be alone. I don’t think mom takes me seriously. I begged her to set up an air mattress or futon in my old room, and put a cheap Roku tv in there so if I’m really feeling like harming myself, I could come spend the night there so I could feel safer. I wish they had kept the bed and furniture down there. She says she’s going to do that, but I don’t know if she actually will. Today was a day that I needed to stay there. I didn’t want to go home after dinner, even though that place was so fucking loud. I wanted to stay there and talk for as long as possible. I didn’t want to be alone. I don’t think she realises how important that is. If worse comes to worse, there’s an emergency number I can call 24 hours a day. It’s not 911, it’s a group of people who work for ACA (mental health agency I get my services from) and if someone is having a crisis, they will come at any hour and talk to you. I have called them before and always request a female if possible. I’m reluctant to call them though. I just feel like I’m wasting their time or whatever.
Honestly…back in the day when I was feeling very depressed and suicidal, my dad would break off a little piece of OxyContin and give it to me. That would knock me out of it, break the cycle. I would do anything for a little piece of oxy. Dad is no longer on those meds so I’m screwed. I just need to break the cycle. If I could do that I’d feel so much more at ease. That was not something I did often, though, just when the depression or pain got bad. I never got addicted or anything, it was just a very useful tool that I was lucky to have. I no longer have that and Ativan is NOT helping, and my meds aren’t either. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I swear to god it’s all gone downhill since the fucking surgery thing last August. I feel like my life is ruined and those feelings gave other bad things a chance to materialise in me. It ruined everything. I would have been in such a better place if I had just done it. There’s nothing I can do about it and I feel completely hopeless. The anxiety has been horrible ever since and depression has slowly creeped in. My OCD has gotten worse also. Ever since turning 40, I feel more and more worthless. Good lord I should be in the fucking hospital at this very moment, but like I said before, I ain’t doin it. I can’t do the intake again. It was too awful. I wish there was an easier way.
I am having a really difficult time going to sleep. Ever since the breathing issue started, I have felt pretty bad physically. When I feel sick, I tend to subconsciously abuse the hell out of my right foot. I don’t know why. It’s very odd because I feel like I enjoy the pain, which freaks me out! I have a low pain tolerance so why the hell am I doing that? I don’t like pain, but the foot thing is different somehow. It’s bizarre. That started in 2011 when I got the flu really bad and hurting my foot (and leg) is how I dealt with being sick. I permanently screwed up my right knee in that short period of time. Now it’s mostly the foot that gets the abuse. I flex it, squish it and dig my toes into things. It’s come to the point that it’s similar to restless leg, which I also have a problem with. When I’m attempting to sleep, my foot just automatically starts with the crunching and stretching and flexing. If I’m lying on my side, my whole leg goes crazy. I can’t stop it. It’s some kind of weird compulsive thing. It’s so painful but I can’t stop and it’s keeping me awake for several hours after settling in to sleep. I try not to move the foot but the impulse is too strong. It’s exactly like restless leg, but more destructive. My right foot feels like it’s been run over by a tank. I am walking like a gimp! If I can’t get some kind of help with this, my foot will be probably be permanently damaged. I’m already certain one or more of my toes are fractured.
Also, I bit my tongue really bad during dinner. It stings. 😑 *sigh* just another thing to be happy about, I guess.