Month: April 2025

Apr 29 2025 April 29, 2025 April 29, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in

I saw my therapist today and as much as I love her, I couldn’t get my points through. Ahhhh. I don’t think she understands certain things and that “solutions” are not always simple when human emotion is involved. There’s a lot of factors, one being certain mental illnesses. Sometimes people can’t just “let things go” because they’re “in the past”. Sometimes the mind won’t allow that, especially in people with OCD, and other things. Sometimes the hurt won’t go away and it’s something people fixate and laser-focus on. That doesn’t just stop. It’s very complex! Feelings are very complex. It’s not black & white. I still love her to death, even if she doesn’t always understand. You really can’t truly understand someone unless you’re walking in their shoes anyhow.

I went to Belk with mom and I swear to god, plus size women’s clothing is so ugly. It kind of always has been. Years ago when online shopping wasn’t a big thing, I was forced to wear plus sized clothes that I found hideous, but that’s just what I had. I had my kmart goth clothes and my few precious Hot Topic things, but not a lot of it. Kmart was actually pretty awesome, btw. Anyhow, ALL the clothes were kind of ugly, even the smaller sizes. Everything was covered in ruffles. God I hate ruffles. I was helping mom look for pants and a shirt for summer. I might not dress that way myself, but I can definitely tell what looks good, especially on her. I talked her into a pair of short cargo pants and a light blue shirt. Not very descriptive, I know. I don’t think she’s ever worn cargo pants. I used to love them when I was younger. Anyhow, she got me some new sheets and some hand soap. She got two pairs of the pants to try them on, a pair of sneakers and a couple shirts. It was discounted like a LOT and that little tiny pile of stuff was over $400. DISCOUNTED! Without that, it would have been over $600. My mind was blown, that place is so overpriced! I saw a little rabbit thing, it was adorable so I picked it up to look at the price and it barely weighed anything. It was $32. Dayum. My new sheets were $160 but were discounted to $80. I can’t figure out what exactly she got that was so damn expensive. I remember when I was younger and she’d drag me to Belk with her to shop for clothes to wear to furniture market, which is kind of a big deal because you’re rubbing elbows with people like Ana Wintour and super rich people who just give you expensive stuff as free gifts. My mom used to get all kinds of expensive gifts from big magazine editors and would get lavish gift baskets around Christmas from Reps she made connections with. It was important to look good and she would spend upwards of $1500 on new clothing just for that 9 days of furniture market. Every year. Things were better back then, we actually had disposable income so she could afford to do stuff like that. I would sit there really bored and kind of miserable because it’s always hot in there, holding her purse while she tried on an ungodly amount of clothing and I had to to give my honest opinion. She actually picked good stuff for that businesswoman vibe she was going for.

I told her she should wear a short sleeved shirt because I’ll bet her arms get really hot in the summer. She won’t do it because of her “wings”, you know, flabby upper arms. Like who cares, wings are meant to fly! I have em too and all I wear are short sleeves. That’s not something I’m particularly self conscious about. She is, but she shouldn’t be. I keep telling her how people always tell me how pretty my mom is, and how shocked they are when they find out she’s in her mid seventies. Everyone thinks mom is in her 50s. I keep telling her that. She needs to get her self esteem back. So do I.

Both Kellie and Karen are coming tomorrow so it’s gonna be a long, busy day. It just kind of wound up that way somehow. I get to go out twice in one day. I hope Karen would be willing to go out of town. I don’t want to spend four fucking hours in Boreganton. lol

Oscar now thinks he is entitled to drink from the Brita filter every day now. He hops up and sits there, silently demanding me to turn it on. I’m impressed he can still jump as high as he does at his age. He’s a springy boy. I am concerned with how long he drinks though. He stays there for like ten minutes. I just leave him to it. I don’t pay for water anyways. I am worried he could have diabetes with how much he drinks. I have to start saving for that fucking expensive bloodwork. He needs it really bad.

My parents’ neighbours took in a cat with FIV. He is missing an eye as well, so he was named “Wink”. He’s the sweetest cat. They’ve been taking care of him for a couple of years now. They just found out he has diabetes. He has some kind of skin condition on his butt and bites and picks at it and he gets shots for that. He has good veterinary care. However, he does have the FIV, the neighbour said he was not doing well when I was there Sunday. I was upset by this and asked why. That was when she said he has diabetes. I said if it was managed well he should be fine. Somehow, the FIV is kind of something we don’t like to mention. She said he’s maybe got another year left in him and that really upset me. If he’s well cared for, he can live longer! I thought they should keep him indoors permanently, because he’s less likely to catch something that could kill him. I worry about that cat. He’s my favourite cat second to Oscar. Just a really sweet cat that got dealt a bad hand for most of his life, but now he knows what it’s like to be loved by the whole neighbourhood. I dunno, I guess the one year comment really got to me. I think most people wouldn’t want to care for a cat with FIV, and I commend them for that.

Omg my arachnophobia got triggered SO bad today. I was going, once again, to get Chinese takeout. Mom pointed out that there was a BIG hairy black & white spider on the door. I freaked out and backed further away. I had the fight or flight thing happening and I wanted to FLIGHT. Finally the little bastard skittered out of sight to the top of the door. Mom opened the door and told me to come in. I refused because I was convinced it would jump on me from above. I was absolutely freaking out, people were probably wondering wtf was wrong with me. I finally just made a break for it and ran in as fast as I could. I got my food and paid but realised I had to go back out the same door. I said I didn’t know if I could leave 😭 I wound up running out again, finally. I have not freaked out so hard about a damn spider in 20 years. Last time, I had gone into my great aunts old chicken house to look for something in an old chest she had in there. Mom came with. I wound up, somehow, between two spider webs with one big spider on each. To this day, I can’t figure out how I got trapped o_o I crouched down to the floor and bawled. Mom had to take care of the one in front of me, but I was still afraid to move. I don’t remember how I got out.

I fucking hate spiders. Why do they have to look like that??? The worst part is there’s probably at least one in my apartment as I write this. 😣 *shudders* Funny thing is I’m not scared of most tarantulas…weird, right? The ones the size of dinner plates can fuck right off, though. No ma’am.

I was watching a video last night about the raunchiest scenes in R rated comedies. I have always loved that kind of movie. I wound up ordering some I didn’t have off Amazon. I grew up on raunchy 80s toilet humour movies lol. My parents let me watch whatever 😬 They helped my young tween self rent R rated horror movies. I definitely didn’t have helicopter parents and I’m glad about that. I got to watch all the dirty nudity and sex filled slasher movies I wanted. 😆 My mom strongly disapproved of Ren & Stimpy though, but me and dad loved it. That was really the only thing she openly disapproved of. Ren & Stimpy was Teletubbies compared to some of the animated stuff I watched on late night HBO! Those were the days, man. There was a show on HBO I think, that had a block of various adult animations, like Aeon Flux and The Maxx. I miss that stuff so much. I miss being a young kid and discovering cool stuff like that, even if I probably shouldn’t have been watching it. 😅

I watched another video from the same channel about “90s cartoons you forgot were awesome”. I never forgot them. Now I want Gargoyles and Batman: The Animated series on DVD. There were a lot of others I loved. My whole childhood was in that video 😭 I was really hit with the nostalgia last night.

Well, I have made a massive ramble again!  Writing did calm my stupid breathing problem. 👌


Tags:

Apr 28 2025 April 28, 2025 April 28, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Sigh

Posted in

Another bad day. I didn’t get much sleep because of the inspection because even though they were made aware that I was in bed because I sleep during the morning and early afternoon, I didn’t know when they were coming and was on edge for a while. I dunno, inspections stress me out, mostly because I’m almost always sleeping when they occur! Those are just my sleep hours. I go to bed at 6am. I get up around 2pm. And it generally takes me a while to actually get to sleep, like a couple of hours even with 10mg of melatonin in me, so I’m not really getting my eight hours. Some people like to call sleeping during the morning “laziness”. It’s not. Some people have different schedules and that doesn’t make them lazy, but it does make things like inspections kind of difficult. I think they’re afraid to come in my bedroom because I’m female. I told the property manager to tell them to come in and do whatever they need to do in my bedroom and to simply ignore my presence, but I don’t think they actually came into my bedroom to check whatever they were supposed to. I did see the kitchen light turn on so I knew they were here, so I pulled the covers over my head so they wouldn’t have to look at my face and feel weird about being in there, but I don’t recall hearing anything or my light being turned on. I guess they just didn’t wanna! They did have to do some stuff like replacing some outlets, changing filters, and checking faucets. I wish they had checked the faucet in the master bathroom, because it quickly became screwed up again after a few days. It sprays the water outward instead of in a normal stream. I’m glad it’s over and I won’t have to worry about for another three months or so.

The rest is kind of personal and talks about self harm and mental illness and generally unpleasant things. I put it under a cut because…reasons. 😬

Read More

Apr 26 2025 April 26, 2025 April 28, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in

Oh my lordt!!! My credit is finally over 700!! 712 to be exact. And it’s now listed as “good”!! I’m out of the yellow and into the green!! Sorry for all the exclamation points, I’m just super happy because I never thought it would get there!!! 😆 eeeeeeee I’M AN ADULT WITH GOOD CREDIT I’M ADULTING CORRECTLY LOOK AT MEEE

haha sorry. It’s pretty special to me considering people didn’t think I’d ever be able to live alone much less do adult things like credit, because I’m autistic and I don’t consider myself to be “high functioning” because I think I’m somewhere between high and low, it is a spectrum after all. They just figured I couldn’t and I agreed. I never thought I’d do any of this stuff. There are many things I’ll probably never be able to do, but I think I’ve made strides that no one thought possible.

I went out with mom but didn’t get anything to eat on the way back and am regretting it. I should have gotten Chinese. I don’t want to make food 😭

Inspection is on Monday. Dammit! Everything is a mess. I’m gonna try to declutter but there’s only so much I can do 😅 I have a LOT of stuff and no place to put it. What am I gonna dooo? I always pass even though I’m a mess. I think it just needs a good vacuum and a bit of decluttering. Or just straightening the clutter to make it appear sort of organised….somehow. Can’t wait for that new carpet, even though I hate carpet to begin with. At least it’ll be new! This carpet has taken some serious abuse over the years.

This entry took a turn for the worse. It’s depressing, so under a cut it goes!

Read More

Tags:

Apr 25 2025 April 25, 2025 April 26, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in

I finally upgraded my Roku Remote. I have two Roku tvs and unfortunately this remote only supports one device, but it’s the best one I could find. It has great reviews, and I looked at several remotes before I decided on this one. All the others had responsiveness problems, just like the shitty default remotes that come with the TVs. You know, the ones that are tiny and ungrippable, have the volume buttons on the side, buttons that take 2 or 3 or more clicks to respond, and spontaneously stop working at all? Yeah, those ones, I don’t know why Roku continues to manufacture these shite remotes, because people do nothing BUT complain that they’re crap! I had to spend $30 just to be able to use the actual Roku part of my tv, and not just the cable box. I can’t describe how annoying that is. I’ll have to get a second one at some point for the Roku tv in my chill room. Next month I guess. I have a big Vizio smart tv in my bedroom but I don’t think the remote would work with it.

Roku needs to get their shit together and stop selling crap remotes that make the Roku app part unusable. My peer support Karen gave me the username and passwords for her Hulu and Netflix accounts, so I’ll actually be able to use them, as well as my other streaming services which are sitting there unused because of the shitty and often unresponsive remote.

Poor dad has a sore on his bum from sitting at red lobster so long last night. It was about 2.5 hours of sitting. He bled all over their bedsheets. I feel bad now like it’s my fault because it took me sooooo long to eat those crab legs 0_o He didn’t go out with us tonight because of that. Me and mom went to Pizza Hut. They messed up my pepperoni lovers melts by putting the green shit on them, and gave us free cinnasticks to make up for it! I haven’t had those in over a year because I won’t order from the Pizza Hut closest to me anymore because of a certain incident. The Pizza Hut app won’t let me order from the other one. I used to get them when I ordered a pizza. My parents won’t get them when we go, so I was ridiculously happy about having them, they’re so good. I brought home the two left over ones and a pack of dip. I also have half of a birthday cake in my fridge. I’ll wind up in a sugar coma before it’s over 😅

I told mom about my hopes of getting a golden retriever puppy and that I was going to talk to the property manager probably on Monday about the weight limit and if it would affect the approval of the dog. Mom didn’t seem too against it, she just said it would be up to me to deal with new puppy stuff, like accidents and pee pads or whatever. I might have difficulties with poo but I think it would be worth dealing with that. I think a dog would absolutely be worth the short term annoyance. I just really hope the silly weight limit thing won’t dash my hopes. If it’s a designated emotional support animal, can they legally deny it regardless of it being a bit more than their weight limit? That’s another thing to ask her. I also want Oscar to have a friend. He gets along well with dogs as far as I can tell. When I still lived with my parents and dad brought Lucy (brindle boxer) home, Oscar just sat there staring at her like “what the fuck are you?”. He was wary for a short time, but before long, they were lying together and grooming each other. I definitely don’t think he would have a problem. I didn’t want to get another cat because Oscar is ten and I’m afraid he’d feel threatened by another cat, like I was trying to replace him. He’s a little scared of strange dogs, especially little yippy ones. Once he spends time and gets used to it, he chills out and acclimates well.

I used to be scared of dogs when I was a kid for various reasons, like having a huge lab I’d never seen before charge me once (I was afraid to go outside for a while, I believe that’s what started it), and my neighbours having two EVIL ones that I fucking hated. They also had Honey, their golden retriever. I was never scared of her. I loved that dog. I always went up to the fence in their back yard where they kept three of their four dogs (including that sheepdog I couldn’t stand) and I would visit with Honey for a while almost every day. She would stand up against the fence so I could rub her head. Such a sweet dog, the only one I wasn’t afraid of. I cried when she passed away. I promised myself I’d have a dog exactly like her someday, and that I would name her Honey. I thankfully did get over my fear of most dogs over time. There are a couple of breeds I won’t ever mess with, though. One is probably the one you’re thinking of, and some people get all offended about it but whatever 😆

I just pray this goes my way. Once again, I did say I needed more animals in my life!


Tags:

Apr 24 2025 April 24, 2025 April 24, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in

Happy 40th to me, I guess 😅 Just got home around 9:30 pm, Red Lobster took a loooong time to serve the food, and I was struggling mightily with my snow crab legs. I wound up just going full caveman on them, ripping them apart and making angry noises lol. It was so freaking annoying! I used to be good at eating crab. I guess I lost my touch. Mom took one and broke it, and the whole piece of meat came out. I asked how she did that…so mom just cracked the rest of them for me, so I didn’t have to aggressively pick the shredded meat out with the tiny little fork. 😆 Can’t take me anywhere…haha


Tags:

Apr 23 2025 April 23, 2025 April 23, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in

Well…tomorrow is my birthday. The big four-oh. I’m not particularly happy about it. I don’t want to leave my thirties, kinda like how I didn’t want to leave my twenties. I survived turning thirty but tomorrow, I’ll be old enough to crumble to dust and blow away in the wind 😭 The only upside is that I get to eat at Red Lobster. It’s also lobster fest, so they’ll have that insanely delicious lobster bisque. I have never tasted better bisque. I’m gonna get a big crab plate. They make you fight for your food but it’s actually kind of fun to crack em open and pull that beautiful piece of crab out in one piece. It’s like a reward, super satisfying. 🦀

I went out with Karen yesterday and Kellie today. Had fun both times. Thrift stores of course. I always pillage the movie section of all the good stuff. I found Hotel Rwanda yesterday, which I’ve wanted to see for a while. I don’t know the deeper details of the Rwandan Genocide, I know the basic stuff but I want to know more about it. I have so many fucking DVDs I don’t know where to put them. I need that damn shelf yesterday!! I’m am absolutely addicted to buying second hand movies. Sometimes I’ll buy stuff new on Amazon but mostly used. I have a whole freaking Blockbuster in my living room. It’s to the point of ridiculousness 😆

I got a dvd set of the worst and best of American Idol seasons 1-4. I freaking love the bad ones. I don’t remember what season had the girl who REALLY thought she could sing, but was pretty terrible and Simon did not hesitate to tell her this. She then went psycho on the judges, it was actually a bit disturbing. This woman has definitely stalked people before. She had fuckin’ crazy eyes. Me and my parents loved American Idol circa 2006-2007, we got all excited when it came on and had our favourites. Fantasia Barrino (she’s from NC), Bo Bice, Chris Daughtry and some others. I forgot who was on what season lol. I don’t watch it anymore, I feel it had its best times already.

Kellie told me about a guy who breeds golden retrievers. I would rather rescue, but there are never retrievers in shelters, because they get picked first. I am sure of what breed I want. She said it’s absolutely NOT a “puppy mill”. That makes me feel better about it. I adopted from a puppy mill once before I knew they’re not a good thing, for both the mothers and the puppies. I’m going to talk to mom about it, I hope she’ll help me out a little until the pup grows a bit. I would rather have a puppy because unfortunately the adult dogs get nervous or something, and have diarrhea all over the house. I have a crate and everything already. I just wonder if there’s a way to stop it from pooing on the floor. Probably not…but yep, I’m definitely getting a dog when I can. I hope that stupid 20lb weight limit isn’t actually enforced because that’s fucking stupid. I see why they might object to say, a Great Dane or something, but a golden retriever? They’re not that big. Just a normal, average sized dog. I’m going to inquire about the weight limit, maybe tomorrow. All pets have to be emotional support animals and have to be approved by some kind of council. Or something. I don’t know. I hope they won’t be assholes about it…

I found a big book about Monty Python at Goodwill. What a coincidence, since I just got the entire tv series!  I snatched it up, of course.

I have an inspection coming up on the 28th, and my house is a mess 😓 good news is I am on the list for new carpet! There are places where Oscar had a fit and tore it up, and a couple places I spilled something that just will not come off. I got lucky with the section 8 inspection, they didn’t pick my apartment to inspect this year. They do random ones. Next time, I hope I get the guy that’s scared of cats, because that was fucking hilarious and had me giggling all day. Oscar is really friendly and wants to sniff new people and the guy was like “Get back! Get away!” in a panicked voice, and Basically backed himself into a corner. I picked Oscar up and away from the guy, but he was in a real hurry to get out of here. 🤭 Never seen anything like it. Did you know Hitler was afraid of cats? It’s called ailurophobia. A lot of men in some Asian countries have a fear of cats. I learned that when I read that ailurophobia is not uncommon among Japanese men. How is that possible, Japan has some of the cutest cats!


Tags:

Apr 19 2025 April 19, 2025 April 28, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in

I’m thinking of getting a dog. I asked the property manager how many animals we’re actually allowed to have, and she said two, but they have to be designated emotional support animals which is not a problem. My dream dog is a golden retriever or a husky. I do remember there being a weight limit of 20lb though. I’m going to ask her if that still stands. I don’t know if mom will support me though, because I tried to have a dog right before I moved out and it was kind of a disaster. The poor thing was trying so hard to acclimate to her new surroundings and she shat everywhere. All the time. My parents made me return her to the shelter. I was really sad but accepted it. I do worry that would happen again. I’ve never had a problem with cats doing that, Oscar was immediately at home, he didn’t act scared or anything, he was just bat shit crazy. But that’s just his personality 😅

I don’t know if I should do it. Do all adopted dogs do this? Is that the norm? I wouldn’t be adopting one right this moment, I want to learn more about how to take care of a dog first. I don’t think my parents will be on my side, unfortunately, because of past experiences. They don’t think I can handle it.

This entry got depressing, so it’s going under a cut.

Read More

Tags:

Apr 16 2025 April 16, 2025 April 16, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in

I went to Safe Harbour (a thrift store that supports women’s shelters) and they always have a great selection of movies. I got so many. I got a bunch of dumb romcoms which are my guilty pleasure. Don’t tell anyone 😭

I found a tapestry which I will hang…somewhere. I saw it and said “DaVinci!” And Karen was confused lol. The tapestry was of a DaVinci drawing. The women he drew were absolutely beautiful. And those are just his DOODLES. I actually like his sketches a lot more than his paintings. They’re more interesting. The faces he drew had a lot of character and were almost like caricatures, lots of exaggerated features. That reminded me that I want to find a book of nothing but his sketches. The guy was brilliant. The OG renaissance man. Wonder if anyone ever built and tested the flying machine he designed.

Me and Karen yakked on and on about tv shows. She brought up Black Mirror (excellent show) which she has started watching. She was watching the new season and hadn’t seen the first one. I told her to go straight home and watch season one episode one. I told her it’s better if you go in blind 😆 Obviously I didn’t tell her what happened in that episode, I just said “it shocked the hell out of me and dad”. Seriously, me and dad were sitting on the couch watching it and when it was over, we looked at each other and said “what the fuck did we just watch?” I swear some nutter will get an idea from that and actually try to do it. I’m kind of surprised it hasn’t happened somewhere. For those who haven’t seen Black Mirror, I shall not spoil it.

She also told me I should watch “You”, which I have heard about, but I don’t have Netflix. She offered to give me her username and password to Netflix and Hulu so I can watch it. That’s super cool of her. I always heard “You” was really good, and I like stalker stories because they’re so scary and it could happen to anyone!


Apr 15 2025 April 15, 2025 April 28, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in

Just had a cry-fest on the phone with mom about my health.

Super depressing, so it’s under a cut.

Read More

Tags:

Apr 15 2025 April 15, 2025 April 15, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in

I really should utilise Amazon Prime Video. I pay for prime because it saves me a lot of money and Prime Video comes with it. It has more tv series and movies than Netflix and Hulu put together, and then some. I haven’t used it in years. Roku is kind of like that as well, it has sooo many movies on the Roku channel alone, but I rarely use my Roku because of the shitty remote.

I was filling up my nightly 62oz water bottle and Oscar did something he’s never done. He jumped up onto the counter and tried to get at the faucet. I took my bottle away and he tried to bite the stream of water. It was so funny. He finally realised he needed to use his tongue to drink. He’s a smart boy….sometimes. Haha. I think I’ll get him a water fountain. I read that cats like moving water. He seemed to really enjoy drinking from the faucet so I think he’d like that.