So I get my right eyeball lasered tomorrow to get rid of that secondary cataract. Once again, I have to get up really early. Not as early as the cataract surgery, but early enough. I don’t think I’ll bother with sleeping.
Oscar needs a vet checkup, badly. Tonight he started acting kind of weird (for one, he jumped up in the fridge and did NOT want to come out) and I said to myself “whatever, buddy’s just having an off day.” But when he hopped up on the bed and came near my face….oh lort, the smell. His breath is RANK. This just started tonight. His breath is usually standard fishy cat breath, but tonight…he wasn’t even facing me and I was smelling it really strong. What really scared me was that I perceived that it smelled kind of sickly-sweet and that is a sign of chronic kidney disease in cats. I can’t describe how this is freaking me out. I just want him to live a long, happy life. Maybe I’m paranoid and smelling it wrong? He’s going as soon as I can get him an appointment.
I hate being modest. I’ll clarify that I’m mostly modest about my chest. I will not show anything. However, when it comes to pants, I like them very tight. I do not like loose pants or straight legged pants, although there are rare exceptions. I don’t really wear short skirts either, mostly due to accidentally showing my whole ass one time at an Arby’s. Traumatised me for life. It’s mostly just my stupid chest. I decided to try something different though. I was looking for a simple black tank top and having a hell of a hard time, but I think I found one or two on Amazon and Old Navy. I was trying to find one with a slightly higher neckline but with the thin straps. And it has to have a fucking back to it. I don’t particularly like showing my back either. Weird, I know…but that’s how I am. I was going to wear mesh and fishnet tops over them. It’s a good alternative to fucking crewneck graphic tees all the time. Wearing them with skirts, I mean. I wear graphic tees with pants all the time. They just look shite with most skirts imo.
I have mini panic attacks if I feel weird in a top or think it’s too low. I’m having anxiety right now thinking about it. Should I take a gamble and try something new if I can find the right one? I think I like the old navy ones best. Most of the ones on Amazon had the models with tits OUT. It was off putting!
I genuinely think it’s autism. No one raised me to be this way.
The tights I sent back to GoodGoth were $48 and I was kind of counting on getting my money back, but they gave me store credit 🙁 Was there something wrong with them? I checked them for cat hair (gg is very stern about animal hair) and didn’t see any. So why just store credit? I went ahead and used it on jewellery from Alchemy Gothic, they make beautiful stuff. I got my favourite ankh there years ago so I’m glad to have something else from them. It’s a cool looking black bat necklace. Took up all the store credit. I was actually looking for tops that aren’t graphic tees, but nothing was in my size. :/ I got what I could out of it. I don’t know why it’s so difficult to carry plus size clothing, it’s usually what sales out first. Hopefully I’ll be at a point someday that I don’t need plus sizes, because that’s annoying.
I’m trying to install the software for the 3D printer. Wish me luck and that I don’t fuck it up somehow.
Karen told me there’s another guy in my complex who has a 3D printer. I was surprised. I asked her to ask him a few questions for me because he’s had his for years and never had any problems with the building management. I want to know how to clean the air of microplastics in that room so I don’t breathe that crap in, and I want to know if he’s ever had a problem with the noise since it’s about 50 decibels. Anyways I had a bunch of questions, hope she didn’t forget to ask him.
I’m trying to find a cool stl file to print for dad as thanks for him putting that thing together for me. He wanted a skull with AC/DC on it, but I haven’t been able to find anything like that and have no knowledge of 3D modelling software. Maybe I can find him something else AC/DC related and I’ll find him a cool skull thingy as well. I’m going to check Etsy again. I already looked on all the other stl file sites. Wonder if I could pay someone to make one…
Edit: I did find some really neat AC/DC stuff on Etsy. I found an Angus Young statue that I think I’ll print for him as well as the band logo. I also found a skull that you can put stuff in. So there you go, AC/DC and skulls lol. I hope he likes them.
Since I’ve found a way (so far! *crosses fingers*) to control the sebhorric dermatitis on my scalp, I’m going to grow my hair back out. When it gets long enough, I’m going to try something I’ve always wanted to do; Bettie Bangs. 😀 I love Bettie Page and her trademark bangs. I always wanted that style but don’t know any hairstylist who knew how to cut them, nor did I know how to cut my own hair. It worries me that my hair is so baby-fine and curly…I’m sure that second part could be tamed by a flat iron. My hair used to be really thick and coarse and not as curly, but thyroid illness and PCOS changed the texture of my hair and kind of thinned it out as well. I’m looking into hair growth treatments, be it oils, capsules, chews, whatever. I wish the texture would go back to how it was in my 20s but I don’t suppose that will happen. I’m just hoping Bettie bangs are achievable with very fine hair. I want those bangs with a goth undercut. I don’t know if I’ll be able to find a hairstylist who can do this or if I’ll have to try myself. I used clippers on myself before cutting my death hawk but that’s about it. I have little hand-eye coordination lol. I’m also scared of hot tools because of that lack of coordination, I ALWAYS burn my fingers. I don’t know how long it will take to grow my hair to a length that I can cut them…maybe below the chin. I think Bettie bangs would look okay at that length, not quite how I’d prefer, there would be a lot of growing out left to do. I’m just impatient. 😅
I watched a bunch of tutorials tonight on how to cut them, so I think I have a pretty good idea. Might need someone’s help.
I really thought I was going to be stuck with buzzed hair forever haha. It’s not “me” and there’s no point in bleaching or dying it as it grows out pretty fast and I’d just have to buzz it again. Glad I got that sorted out.
Ahhhh I just had the worst cramps I’ve ever experienced!! It hurt sooo bad. It’s always the fucking Mexican food. Every time I go and eat there, the food is delicious, but then…the cramps. One made me break out in a sweat. I don’t know what it is about this food that causes that. I had to come home and lie down. For the record, I had ACP.
I decided I’m going to try to get a job. Either at the Ingles here which purposefully hires disabled people, or a remote data entry thing since I like organising things and whatnot. I had a data entry job before (back in 2006) and it was pretty easy. The software has probably changed a lot since then. I’d have to check it out to see if I can relearn it. I’m looking to save $15000 in a year and a half. Assuming I’m paid at least $1000 a month…I don’t know how much that would pay, the store or the data entry. I assume it would be at least that. I would save everything from that job for my ultimate goal. My goal is to have my face and neck fixed to relieve some of my anxiety about my looks. Yes, I will absolutely blow $15000 on that if it makes me feel better. I can’t live this way anymore, feeling so bad about myself. I have the quote from the surgeon and that’s how much I have to save. So I’m gonna do it! My Etsy side hustle might help too, if I’m actually able to sell my wares. Let’s hope!
Oh my god, I tried on my tights from KILLSTAR on and they FILLED UP WITH AIR. 😆 I had to squeeze it out! They are a size 4X, and I probably should have sized down, but they’re fine. They’re a bit looser than I expected but that’s okay, they remind me of the black PVC pants I used to have eons ago, except these have a holographic rainbow-y shine. I can tell you one thing for sure about these; do not wear them in the summer. That material is not moisture wicking.
My skater dress fits great. I just gotta take it to the seamstress in town and have her jazz up that keyhole titty window with the materials I bought. I think it’ll look really neat once she’s done with it. Oddly, the other beautiful dress I bought also has a very small keyhole opening, but it shows nothing so I’m not worried about it. I’m not sure what the point of it being there is.
I was talking to mom about what I needed to talk to my therapist about next week. I told her it’s the intense self loathing I have and how I think it might be body dysmorphia but I want her to validate that so I can stop thinking I’m nuts! I focus on my entire head, particularly my face. I hate everything about my face. When I say “hate”, I don’t mean “dislike”. I mean HATE. I am obsessed with what I hate. I wish I had a lot of money, I’d just have a surgeon make everything I hate look at least tolerable/decent so I could finally feel mostly okay about myself. I never expect “great”. I’ll probably never feel great about myself. I just want to not obsess over it constantly. To not look in the mirror and just wonder why I’m so unfortunate in looks. To not constantly pick myself apart. I feel like if a few certain things were tweaked I’d feel a lot of relief. I know some of these things can be changed, I just don’t have loads of money to throw at it. All the money I make on Etsy, no matter how much or little, is going to a “fix my face” fund. 😑
Some people probably just think I’m vain or whatever, maybe I am. But someone who hasn’t dealt with this (body dysmorphia or whatever it is but I’m pretty certain it’s that) can’t know what it feels like to hate themselves that much. It’s not normal. It’s horrible. It’s a horrible feeling to not be able to love yourself.
I guess I’ll go futz around on photoshop and try to design the banner for my Etsy shop. Sorry for the intensely negative entry. I know no one wants to read that shit, but it’s a blog. Gotta vent or I’ll go bonkers. 😅 Just know that I’m not like this ALL THE TIME. I laugh, I have fun sometimes, and sometimes this is how I feel. I’m not about to cut my wrists or get hospitalised or anything. I just feel like shit, you know?
Oh, and my cheese fries came out good, I put more cheese on them and left them in the oven for 2 minutes instead of five to melt the cheese. It stayed gooey longer this time. I still want to try making the cheese sauce because that’s my all time favourite topping for fries.
Edit: just watched a scientifically accurate video about the vagus nerve. I am now creeped out by the vagus nerve.
Edit 2: what’s all this nonsense I’m hearing about Neil Gaiman?? Whatever, it’s kind of ruined my day before it started! I didn’t think he was the type to do that sort of thing. Innocent until proven guilty though.
I’ll always love Sandman, it was very important to me in my teenage years….and beyond that. I try to separate the art from the artist. Seems like I’ve had to do quite a bit of separating these past few years…unfortunately. 🙁
I finally sent in a work order in my ActiveBuilding app, the one I use to pay my rent and whatnot. I asked if the light in between mine and my neighbours doors could be fixed because it’s not bright enough at night, unlike in the other buildings. It actually goes off when I get to the top of the stairs, leaving me in the dark which is creepy and annoying. It’s also uncomfortable going up and down those stairs in inadequate lighting, which is something I do frequently. I don’t think my neighbour goes out at night often but I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if it’s fixed lol
I got my KILLSTAR package! I haven’t opened it to try stuff on yet, I will do that later tonight. I also got the ‘Some Wear Leather, Some Wear Lace’ book, which I’ve been looking at since it came out many years ago, but it was expensive and I didn’t have money back then. It’s yet another thing I should not have bought but I’m super happy to have it and excited to look at the photos in it. It’s a photo book of 80’s goth culture and fashion. There’s also one specifically chronicling deathrock fashion which I plan to get at some point. I’d never seen that one before but it looks super cool. That’s kind of how I used to dress in the mid-2000s. I was more subdued but had my big black fluffy death hawk and personally customised spiked leather jacket with band names written on it in white-out, but I still wasn’t as extreme-looking as other people. I dressed more like a dude. I made lots of friends in that scene. We all lost touch over time. I miss them.
I think I will customise leather jackets and sell them on Etsy because I was actually pretty good at it, and now know more now about how to make the custom painting last instead of chipping off over time. I have a couple thrifted leather jackets lying around waiting to be mutilated haha. I could probably do requested custom ones too. I should look into this more seriously because these jackets often sell for a couple hundred bucks or more. I buy leather jackets at thrift stores whenever I find them in anticipation of something like that. I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while now but not sure how to get started.
I’m trying to reserve my Etsy shops name but damn they make it difficult…it’s ’The Horror of Belladonna’. Weird name, I know. Gotta verify my bank account and ID. Like, can I just make the shop and do that afterwards? I also had to make a first listing, which is stupid. It’s a dummy listing which I will immediately delete when the shop is verified. I hope no one sees it before I can delete because it’s absolute rubbish!
Edit: I’m gonna use that remaining $100 from my $500 Self payout to pay off most of my pc Affirm costs. The pc was $300-something and I’ve paid off a lot of it but it’s like $27 a month. I want to get that paid off asap. I had planned on asking about filling in a scar on my face at the tattoo laser consultation but I’ll leave that for another time. I need to rid myself of some of these payments.
Listening to: Seraphim Shock – After Dark
Got my wig in the mail! Haven’t opened it yet, guess I’m a bit nervous. I got a massive Temu delivery, like everything came at once and I was not expecting it. I sat down and opened stuff. Thought about making a video but I was in my jammies. Excuses! I “returned” a few things because they did not fit the description on the site, or just didn’t fit period. I got a belt and when I saw it said “the fuck kind of necklace is this?” It was that big around. You would have to be maybe a size xxs to get this thing around your waist. It only came in one size. It’s a real shame, I would have loved it were it big enough. I wound up with $30+ in credit. I got some really cool stuff aside from that. I’m going to have to take a picture of all the stuff I’ve gotten so far, because it’s a LOT.
I’m trying to get my peer support to confirm whether or not she’s coming at 9:30 this morning. I texted her and had a short conversation but I can’t get her to say yes or no even though I’ve asked plainly at least twice. I love this girl but she can be a little bit hard to communicate with sometimes…
Edit: checked out the wig, he didn’t tease the sides like I asked. I’m trying to do it like he did. I decided I liked the first one better but there’s not really anything I can do about it, pretty sure he’d be super annoyed with me! I’m going to order another one from him down the road. I just have to get some of these damn affirm and Klarna plans paid off first, I can’t compound any more.
Edit 2: Amazon refunded me $12 for something I don’t remember buying. Not complaining, but…???
Listening to: Horror Vacui – In Darkness You Will Feel Alright
I was supposed to receive my custom wig in the mail today but did not. I was really excited 🙁 Maybe tomorrow? I did get my collar, it’s lovely. Fits my neck (or lack thereof lolol) perfectly.
I went to Outback with Karen and just got Aussie cheese fries this time, didn’t bother with the lunch deal “steak”. The Fries were really good. I am curious as to how they keep the cheese gooey for a longer time than I can at home. Mine just hardens really quickly and I can’t enjoy the gooey-ness 🙁 I have a copycat recipe for cheese sauce I’m gonna use next time I make it. I gave the shredded cheese to mom.
Edit: I was looking at my YouTube analytics and my audience is 100% male. No women whatsoever. At least among people who list their sex in their profile. Some people might not. I guess the stuff I upload (old anime & video game soundtracks, somewhat unknown or obscure music) attracts men. 🤷♀️
That still had me scratching my head. 0% female.
This is within the last 28 days, btw. Not all time. But still, come on women! I know you female soundtrack nerds are out there!
Edit #2: why is it so hard to find a goth top with a modest neckline that isn’t a damn crew neck tshirt??? I’m tired of always only wearing tshirts with my skirts. My modesty makes it hard sometimes, I wish I wasn’t that way but I always have been and I doubt that will change…I might be more open to things like tank tops than I was before, the neck has to be higher than usual though. I looked on Temu, I looked on Etsy. Either the neckline wasn’t high enough or it didn’t come in plus sizes.
I just want something different.