Month: August 2024

Today is the first day of the liquid diet and I hate it more than last time. I keep thinking “what am I gonna eat for dinner?” And then realize I can’t. Then I think “I really want some chips” and realize, again, that I can’t! It’s so annoying! The purpose of it is to shrink the liver so the surgeon can easily push it aside to reach the stomach. I think mine is already shrunken enough. At least this time around it’s five days instead of ten…/sigh

I listened to some of Rosetta Stone’s new album and so far it’s pretty good! They’ve kept a lot of that classic gothic rock sound. One of my old favorite bands I will not name came out with a new single a while back that didn’t sound very gothic rock at all. There was no trace of their old sound. The reason most people fall in love with a band is its sound! When it changes drastically, that might not go over so well with fans. There’s usually a pervasive “sound” that the band will keep, like certain characteristics that don’t change even when the band might shift its sound a bit from album to album. Did that make a damn lick of sense? I’m not a music critic but that is just my own experience and observations.

I bought a self-cleaning brush for Oscar. He sheds horrifically. It’s actually a dog brush but I don’t see why it wouldn’t work for a large cat. Anyhow I got a ton of hair off him. Like a ton. I’m gonna brush him twice a week and see if that helps. This brush is cool because you press a button and it pushes the hair off.

Anyhow…have a good one, internet. 👍




I had never been to a Plato’s Closet before, so today I went. It’s a second hand store, but has more name-brand stuff. It’s a little more expensive than the average thrift store, but not too much. I got some boots and two tops. The boots have heels and make me about 1.5 inches taller 😀  I’ll take anything I can get lol

I can’t wait for Fall!! The temps are supposed to be cooler in the coming month. I’m excited for that. I thought I was going to fucking melt today.



Had a telehealth appointment with the psychologist early this morning, and it went well. I believe I’m all cleared to have surgery and I start the liquid diet Saturday. It’s only 5 days this time.

I put up a landing page on my “Nemi’s Anime Valhalla” site http://nemi.anime.nu  It’s named after my very first website which I made in 2000, called “Karasu’s Anime Valhalla” 😀 I don’t think I’ll ever really capture the same magic of that old site but I sure can try!

 


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Wow, both my parents are trying to convince me not to have surgery. Mom is just depressing. I didn’t enjoy being around her today. ☹️ They are actually making me scared. Oh well. I’m doing it. Not gonna be this way anymore.

I got a number of things done with my doctor this afternoon. She ordered the GeneSight test, swabbed my cheeks and stuff. She sent a referral to the pulmonary place to talk about prescribing me Provigil to treat the tiredness and stuff that comes with obstructive sleep apnea. It also helps improve cognitive function (great because I have brain fog) and helps with motivation to do things. I’ve heard great things about it. I see a shift in my medications on the horizon. That’s a good thing. Like I’ve said, my current meds have given me moderate stability and that’s not good enough anymore. I want to actually feel good. Alive. Motivated.

I’ve been successfully drinking 64oz of water everyday for the past week. It’s not as hard as it sounds. Even so, I’m tireder than I’ve ever been. Nodding off all the time. Having to have a long sleep not three hours after waking up….gah. That’s gotta stop. That’s why I want the Provigil!




I’m set to have surgery September 5th. I have to see the psychiatrist and do the liquid diet again, no big deal. I’ll not chicken out this time. I’m just grateful they gave me a second chance! Mom isn’t too happy about it though. Of course 😆

Apparently I’m 19lb away from not being considered obese. That’s what mom says anyhow.

Of course Kim switched to Friday. But who knows if she’ll come or not. 

Watching: Star Trek TNG


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Feeling a little better today. The weight loss center got back to me and said they’d pass the info along to Dr Hata, and it’s his decision if he will reschedule my surgery. I at least have a chance, I’m just worried about the insurance crap.

Anyone else ever injure themselves peeling an orange? Anyone? Just me? Okay. There was blood, my thumb still hurts.

My peer support Kim is supposed to come Thursday. Who knows if she actually will. Denise (other peer support, my favorite) can’t come this week 🙁  Bah.


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I don’t feel so great. I’m still bummed about the surgery. I seem to require a nap every few hours. I’m getting so incredibly sleepy every day, literally less than an hour after waking up. I’m unable to even walk in some cases. I’m so tired of being tired. I don’t know why I’m this way. I’m just so god damned sick of it all. I can’t do anything without feeling like this. Even spending time with my family, I fall asleep!

Do I have fucking narcolepsy? What is wrong with my body?

I am just so bummed out and tired and maybe even a little bit depressed. Definitely a little bit depressed…

/sigh

I think I mentioned in the last post that I emailed the weight loss center Friday, and I’m hoping they’ll get back to me today. Maybe they can help get me out of the mess I created for myself. If not, then….I dunno what I’ll do.

 




Good lord.

Ughhhhh

I just wrote a long email to mom about how I made a mistake canceling my surgery, and I know she’s going to think I’m a crazy flip flopping idiot but yeah. I want to reschedule it. I apologized like 50 times. I know I put stress on her because she’s naturally high strung and I don’t want to do that. She’s 74 and I do not want to give her a heart attack or something. I do depend on her for a lot of things though. I feel bad because she should be enjoying her golden years but instead she has money problems and…me that she often has to care for.

Anyhow I’m gonna try to make the second time around less stressful for her.

I hope they’ll let me reschedule it. I think they will because plenty of people on the weight loss surgery subreddit have done the same thing and chickened out last minute.

I still feel like a dumb fuck though. =_=


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Welp. I had a crisis at 5am and called mom. I cancelled the surgery. I did not go through with it. I guess I realized there are other options to lose weight and I don’t have to do something so drastic that will permanently change my body and life forever. I realized I wasn’t sure if I could follow through on that commitment, and those doubts alone were reason enough to not do it.

I’m looking into other types of diets and exercise. I’m looking at keto. I don’t know much about it but it seems like a lot of people are doing it. One thing I’m tired of is yoyo-ing, losing and gaining the same ten pounds over and over. I weigh 211.5 lb right now, it should not be too hard to get under 200. Realize that I used to be over 280. I’ve already lost a lot of weight. Everyone has been saying “you’ve lost so much weight, you look great!” And it’s reassuring. However, my weight seems to want to settle around 240-250 so I gotta be careful. I will start back on Ozempic again, since I had to stop it and cosentyx about a month before surgery. I’ll probably have to start from scratch again and increase the dosage little by little. It really did help though.

Another thing is hydration. I’ve been drinking a lot of water and electrolyte drinks and I do feel different and have noticed a big difference in my skin. Things heal better when you’re adequately hydrated I guess. I have a lot of scratches and bites from my abusive cat lol. The wounds stuck around for a long time when I was dehydrated, but once I started drinking more, they faded away. I have one of those big ass 64oz water bottles that have encouraging stuff written on them, haven’t used it yet but I’m going to.

I can feel my life going in a better direction already, that is being able to enjoy the foods I love in moderation and incorporating other healthier stuff and habits.

The first thing I did today when I went out was to go eat Chinese. Not the healthiest, but I hadn’t eaten solid food in over a week. I was about to crack 😂




Less than a day before surgery.

I had to clean my whole body with these wipes provided by the hospital, and it made me itch. I have to do it again tomorrow. Blah.

I had been having second thoughts. I wondered if I could really give up eating certain foods, like rice. I love rice. I’m sure I’ll be able to sneak it in at some point lol. The reason is that these foods have no real nutritional value or something. I was waffling on my decision. Then, I thought, do I want to stay this way forever? No, no I don’t. I see this as my only way forward tbh. I have to do it.

 


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