Tag: wls

Oct 23 2024 October 23, 2024 October 23, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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I have been feeling very low for the past few days. I have stopped caring about my health. I am drinking sugary sodas again. I just feel hopeless. And I can’t make myself care right now. Why didn’t I have the fucking surgery? If I had, things would be going according to my plans. But no, I let myself get manipulated like a little kid. I will NEVER listen to anyone, especially my mom, again. I can’t believe how she acted in the days leading up to the surgery date. Just an insane person. “I can feel you wavering” she said. She really said that. Gleefully. I’ll never waver again, I’ll tell you that god damn much.

It’s been making me feel like garbage. I obsess over it, especially at night when I’m alone with my thoughts. I had an opportunity for something great and I missed it and now I’m in the same shitty place I was before. I could have been well under 200lbs by now. I’ve definitely gained a little bit and am probably over my previous weight of 220. The only way I lost weight before was by not eating. I don’t know how to do this on my own. I truly needed the help.

I’m so fucking angry, I’m glad I get to talk to my therapist today. I’m also requesting a change of peer supports. Kim is mentally tiresome. I’m depressed and don’t give a shit anymore. 🤗


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Sep 17 2024 September 17, 2024 September 17, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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I didn’t hear back from the weight loss center today, they always get back to me the next day. It gives me a little hope that maybe they’re thinking about my email and didn’t answer “no” immediately. That’s a positive sign, I hope!

I went to JoAnn and looked at some sewing machines. I asked which is best for a beginner and they showed me one. Mom took a photo of it for reference. It’s a “heavy duty” one that can sew tougher fabrics as well. Ideally I want a computerized one but the figure I can upgrade at some point when I get good enough. Also, I hate bobbins. Jsyk. I took  fashion design class in my first semester of high school. It was hard, honestly. I’ve forgotten a lot of things I learned. I did come out of it with a very ugly jacket though.


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Sep 10 2024 September 10, 2024 September 10, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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Today I went to my doctor and got more crappy news. I gained like 8 pounds in a very short period of time (depression eating) and my a1c went from 6.7 to 9.2. Great.

Mom obviously feels bad about the surgery thing and called down there today and left a message. I don’t know if that will do any good but at least she tried?


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Sep 10 2024 September 10, 2024 September 10, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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Sigh. I’m not going to get another chance at surgery…I bawled. Don’t know what I’m going to do. I really needed this.

 


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Sep 08 2024 September 8, 2024 January 7, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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The weight loss center got back to me, they’re going to talk to the surgeon about it next week. Let’s hope he’ll decide to give me one more chance.

I got the shirts I ordered off Etsy, they look great. I got one shirt of The Mission and one of Rosetta Stone, bands I can never find shirts of otherwise. Etsy is a treasure trove of stuff like that. I wish that company would make a Children on Stun shirt because you can’t find anything of theirs! I do have a vintage shirt but it’s not the prettiest. I would like a nice one, maybe the owner of that Etsy shop would take a recommendation from a fan? Maybe I’ll also recommend making a London After Midnight shirt because I can’t find one of theirs either. The shop is PoisonCult btw.

I got a new domain – gothic.nu. I’m going to ask a friend to make a layout for it. It’s gonna be a site about goth and a hopefully pretty big directory of sites!

 

edit: if I could have a “normie” job that wasn’t art or whatever, I’d be a night security guard. Yup. Maybe I’ll try for that when I’m feeling better. I’ve always thought that’d be kinda fun, in a weird way…

Also, my adhd is out of control, I cannot concentrate on anything for a damn minute. It’s driving me bonkers!

 


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Sep 06 2024 September 6, 2024 September 7, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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Is it bad that I’m thinking of contacting the weight loss center again? Mom would flip her shit. I’m gonna think about it for a couple days but I think I might mention it to her tomorrow. It’s my life, after all. I’m not happy, and unhappy people don’t succeed.

edit: Mom and weight loss center contacted. I will not be pressured again.


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Sep 04 2024 September 4, 2024 September 5, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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I got the results from my GeneSight test! It looks like I do need a change in medication. Two of the important meds are in the yellow zone (there’s green, yellow and red, you want your meds to be in the green). I need to give these results to my psychiatrist.

Edit at 4am: I’m feeling like utter garbage. I should be getting a new, smaller stomach today. Should be. I let mom wear me down and make me unsure of myself. She was acting like she was going to have a heart attack over it and made me feel bad. I should not have caved. I don’t know if I’ll ever get another shot at this. I’m angry, but mostly I’m sad. Sad that I worked for this for over two goddamn years and this is how it ends. With a whimper, and me feeling like a fool and a failure. I’m eating my fucking feelings again. I feel sad, I eat. I had stopped that for the most part. I feel hopeless. I’m going to be in fat jail forever and I’ll probably gain all the weight I lost back, and then some. Because that’s how it always ends. I might try for it again sometime, and fuck her feelings. I don’t care anymore.


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Sep 02 2024 September 2, 2024 September 2, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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Mom is REALLY trying to talk me out of surgery. I am so confused. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Feeling pretty useless and directionless. I really want to sort my Ohuhu markers (all 320 of them) but I don’t have the energy or motivation. I just want to lie here and watch stupid YouTube videos.

I think I’m gonna cancel again….*deep sigh* I just love food too much. Of course I’m gonna do things differently so I can lose weight, like going back on the ozempic. Mom whittled away at my determination. Seriously, she would not stop.


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Aug 31 2024 August 31, 2024 August 31, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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Today is the first day of the liquid diet and I hate it more than last time. I keep thinking “what am I gonna eat for dinner?” And then realize I can’t. Then I think “I really want some chips” and realize, again, that I can’t! It’s so annoying! The purpose of it is to shrink the liver so the surgeon can easily push it aside to reach the stomach. I think mine is already shrunken enough. At least this time around it’s five days instead of ten…/sigh

I listened to some of Rosetta Stone’s new album and so far it’s pretty good! They’ve kept a lot of that classic gothic rock sound. One of my old favorite bands I will not name came out with a new single a while back that didn’t sound very gothic rock at all. There was no trace of their old sound. The reason most people fall in love with a band is its sound! When it changes drastically, that might not go over so well with fans. There’s usually a pervasive “sound” that the band will keep, like certain characteristics that don’t change even when the band might shift its sound a bit from album to album. Did that make a damn lick of sense? I’m not a music critic but that is just my own experience and observations.

I bought a self-cleaning brush for Oscar. He sheds horrifically. It’s actually a dog brush but I don’t see why it wouldn’t work for a large cat. Anyhow I got a ton of hair off him. Like a ton. I’m gonna brush him twice a week and see if that helps. This brush is cool because you press a button and it pushes the hair off.

Anyhow…have a good one, internet. 👍


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Aug 29 2024 August 29, 2024 August 29, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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Had a telehealth appointment with the psychologist early this morning, and it went well. I believe I’m all cleared to have surgery and I start the liquid diet Saturday. It’s only 5 days this time.

I put up a landing page on my “Nemi’s Anime Valhalla” site http://nemi.anime.nu  It’s named after my very first website which I made in 2000, called “Karasu’s Anime Valhalla” 😀 I don’t think I’ll ever really capture the same magic of that old site but I sure can try!

 


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