Tag: Religion

Oct 11 2025 October 11, 2025 October 12, 2025 No Comment by Eden

I just fed Oscar some pâté and gave him one unit of insulin from his own lantus pen. He didn’t seem to notice when I stuck him, which is great! Too busy munching to care I guess. I checked to see what one unit looks like and it is barely noticeable, it was a teeny weeny little orb of liquid on the end of the needle. I am left wondering how that little drop could help! Maybe I don’t understand that well since I myself am on 45 units twice a day 😅 Thank God for that freaking insurance because he’s going to have a lot of vet visits. I kind of knew this would happen! *pats self on back* I made a good decision on my own, without anyone suggesting it or telling me how to do anything! I don’t think I’ve really done that before, especially with something like insurance. I know that’s kind of unbelievable, but remember the autism and other cognitive stuff. I never had to make any decisions of that type. No one ever thought I’d be able to live alone either, but here I am, being an adult…sort of 😸 lol

He’s being a lap cat at the moment, probably because he’s happy he got wet food twice today. He’s not getting dry food anymore. I don’t think he likes the “stink cereal” anyways. I don’t know if treats are allowed either, but there were a couple good questions including that, that I forgot to ask. I wanted to know if he would walk normally again once his diabetes gets under control, if that’s what’s causing it anyhow. He’s going back to get his sugar tested next week, so I’ll ask then.

And on an entirely different topic…

I was having a conversation with mom about old horror movies. Mom would go to her grandmas house to watch the block of Hammer Horror movies that were on one of the three existing channels, because they didn’t have a TV set yet. That made me think of one channel I watched that also had a block of time for horror movies once a week. I was trying to find what it was called in the late 2000s/early 2010s. Keep in mind this was circa 1989. It had a particular ad promoting it that I remember pretty well, it was a bathtub full of blood and a hand covered in blood (duh) reaches out of it. It always scared me but I loved it because I was a baby horror hound thanks to dad 😬 I was trying so hard to remember the channel. TBS popped in my head but I don’t know. I tried this one site that was just for that, finding things people remembered from childhood but just couldn’t remember what exactly it was called or whatever. I was not able to find anything. I wonder if that site is still around, since there’s now a subreddit for the exact same thing. I’m not posting on Reddit because it’s a toxic shitshow 😅 ugh. I’m trying to find the image of the bloody bathtub hand. It would be a lot easier if I knew the name of the fucking thing! Idk, this is something that’s been annoying me for a couple decades. Don’t know why! Maybe because it’s something that’s stuck with me for 35-36 freaking years! I was able to find the block of cartoons (and my first anime! Ronin Warriors!) I used to watch circa 1992-ish, the name of it, when it was on, the channel and all that. But I have not been able to find this! I look for these things out of nostalgia. Nostalgia is a strong emotion, as I’m sure you know. It’s also one of the nicest feelings imo. I love being able to put a name on the mysterious things I used to watch that I couldn’t identify before. I still have a few things I haven’t found, namely movies I saw that I only remember little parts of, and would love to watch them again. I know I’ll have a wicked dopamine rush when I finally figure them out! 😸

Yes, I’m stuck in the past which is fine with me, because the present sucks 😂

EDIT: I despise AI art. It’s soulless. I would much rather buy art made by humans, that you can SEE it’s made by an actual person! I was looking at prints on Etsy and people were using AI. I felt so disappointed. I don’t want AI slop on my wall. Sometimes I can live with it, like with my “Screaming Possums” calendar I got on Temu. Of course the pictures were gonna be AI, I expected that. But selling prints of “art” made with AI, SIGNED prints mind you, is just freakin diabolical. Don’t piss up my leg and tell me it’s raining. 🙄

Another thing is…I don’t think I’m a Christian anymore. I’ve felt like this for a couple of days now. I’m simply not made for it, never was. And the old gods were calling me back…

🪄🗡️🏰🌞🪺🍄🐉🐦‍⬛🐕‍🦺🐇🐃🧚🏼‍♀️🧝🏻‍♀️ (look at me acting like a bored boomer. I was finding related emojis lol)

Tags:nostalgia oscar Religion

May 22 2025 May 22, 2025 May 22, 2025 No Comment by Eden

Posted in Uncategorized

Wow, Bibles are quite expensive, at least at Barnes & Noble. I wanted a Catholic study Bible but it was $60. I have tried to read the KJV a loooooooong time ago, but I understood nothing, because it’s written in 17th century English. It was like trying to read Greek! Obviously I could read the words because I’m perfectly literate, but my goodness people spoke in a way back then that is completely different than modern English! I know there’s a plain English version but I have to be sure it’s Catholic. I don’t want to not have all the books that got removed in the KJV. Then again, I feel kind of stupid for having to read plain English anything. Back when I wanted to convert to Judaism, which was quite some time ago, I had an app that had daily wisdom from the Torah. I opened it up and read that days post. My only reaction was “Wut”. I mean, I understood what they were doing, but there was zero cultural context! I didn’t understand the meaning of it. People did things differently at that time. There were nuances and cultural things that only historians or theologians know the actual meaning of. Or someone with a huuuuge 7” thick study Bible like my grandparents had 😅 or maybe someone with google lol. I have a feeling if I asked a priest what that cultural custom meant, he would have no idea. The custom I’m referring to is, if I remember correctly, one man was telling the other something important and he placed his hand on the other man’s thigh, and it was significant somehow. Must’ve been a cultural thing at the time 🤷‍♀️ Also, that 17th century English didn’t help. 😭 I want to understand lol. I’m going to look for a Catholic study Bible on Amazon. Maybe they have one that won’t destroy my debit card.

I also got a few DVDs. Unforgiven, Natural Born Killers (how did I not have that already? For shame!) and The Case for Christ. I want to watch that one with my parents. I need to strengthen my faith. I believe but it isn’t as strong as I would like. I find it difficult to feel it strongly. It can be hard to have really strong emotions because depression meds can really blunt emotions. My brain is fried from 20 years of SSRIs. Meds will do that when you’re on them long enough. It’s the zombie effect. But yeah, I know God exists because I received a gift that medication cannot equal. I was blessed with relief. Something no pill ever did for me. All I did was ask for a sign, and I got it. I didn’t realise it until the next day (because like I said, I’m not that bright 😬), but when I did…my miracle happened. Anyhow, enough about me. The guy who made the documentary (I think it’s a documentary anyhow) was an atheist before, but converted after his search for historical proof…or something. I’ve never seen it or read the back yet, because Im scatterbrained haha. I’d heard about it before and just grabbed it. I’m very curious about what he has to say about his personal journey. Maybe it could help guide my own a little.

I will say that Barnes & Noble is ridiculously overpriced, particularly their DVDs and Blu Rays. Some movies were $40-50 even though the movie came out 40 years ago and it wasn’t even a Blu ray or Criterion Collection edition! 0_o What the heck, man. I could get the same thing off Amazon for a third of that price. Or less. This is why I’m glad I’m a thrift store movie nut and usually buy used movies on Amazon. I save tons of money. There were a lot of movies at B&N that I wanted but they were all at the very least $25. They also had a bit of British TV, none of which I could afford. They had good stuff, it’s just not affordable. The ones I got were all under $10, so they did have a few reasonable ones. But still.

I was out with Karen and had a good time. We were talking about how a bird shat on her car and how weird the poo looked. I then told her a gross secret from when I was a kid 😆 I’m not saying it here, but I will say it involved bird crap. So few people know lol. I only told mom when I was in my twenties! She was so grossed out lmao. I was a strange child. I’m also grossed out by my five year old self! I think back to some of the weird things I did as a small child and wonder what the hell I was thinking at the time 😭 I’m not gross anymore, I promise. I have bad OCD about touching certain things and washing my hands. I won’t touch things I consider “tainted”. Which is many, many things, unfortunately. 😅

I think I’m finally going to use Karen’s Hulu account. I was listening to a really good creepypasta last night, and many people in the comments were saying it reminded them of a show on hulu called “Paradise”. If there’s a series similar to that great pasta, I’m gonna have to see it! I like to listen to the cosmic horror stuff and horrifying creatures from other planes of existence. I also love space horror. I listen to other kinds of course, but those are my favourites. I also love nasty monsters. The grossest ones. I have a whole Pinterest board dedicated to the nastiest monsters I could find. It’s titled “Nasty Monsters” because I’m not creative 😆 It’s about 10-12 years old and hasn’t been updated since then, but I look at it when I need my nasty monster fix. 😬 Anyhow…I’m not sure what “Paradise” is actually about, but I’m going to google it now. I’m super curious. It can be hard for me to get into series because I strongly prefer movies because I have a short attention span, but if it’s similar to the plot of that pasta I’ll probably give it a go.

Someone actually narrated the famous “Have you ever played the left right game?” and it’s SIX HOURS LONG. That’s dedication. I also found one I read like ten years ago and was one of my favourites. Narrated, it’s over four hours long! I think it’s called something like “My friend spent time in a parallel universe”. It’s been a long time since I read those on Nosleep. So many people were completely invested in the Left Right Game pasta, me included. Got all excited when the next part got posted. It really is that good! I actually have a nosleep story rec site on Neocities. It doesn’t have enough links and I haven’t updated it in several years but I sometimes go back and reread stories I linked. Here it is: https://remina.neocities.org/ It’s got a junji ito design because I was going to add horror manga recs, but those manga sites are unreliable and just freaking disappear sometimes. I did have some linked before, but the site took the whole manga off their site for some reason. I had linked particular stories from “Gyo” and of course the classic “Amigara Fault”. Geez, I think everything I added was junji ito 😆 I didn’t really work on the horror manga section much. I just got rid of it because I’m lazy and all the manga I linked to disappeared. Anyhow if you like good creepypastas , check out my puny little site. They’re my personal favourites. Again, it’s https://remina.neocities.org/ I might actually update it sometime soon when I’m not feeling super lazy.

I got some donuts from Krispy Crème as a little reward to myself for my great report from my doctor. One raspberry filled and one crème filled. I can’t believe I haven’t eaten them yet. 🤤

Tags:Creepypastas mental health Religion sites

May 17 2025 May 17, 2025 May 17, 2025 No Comment by Eden

Jeez.

Posted in Uncategorized

I had a spectacular meltdown this afternoon. It was a sight to behold. Triggered by mom, as most of them are. I got overwhelmed REALLY fast and asked her to stop the thing she was doing because I could feel it coming. The rumble zone. After 40 years of having an autistic daughter, you would think she’d know more about meltdowns but she does not. She actually said she knows all about them because she’s SEEN lots of them. I dunno, maybe you could google that shit and learn the potential triggers, and learn what to do and what to absolutely not do during a meltdown. And then maybe have a conversation with both me and my therapist about it and maybe even ask me what usually triggers them. I mean, that’s what I’d do if I was a neurotypical with an autistic kid. I’d want to know all I could to prevent that as much as someone can prevent it, even though that isn’t always possible…meltdowns ARE gonna happen regardless. She thinks meltdowns are hard on HER, imagine how hard they are on me!!! They take everything out of me! I sweat like a mofo! I hurt myself during! Then she had the nerve to make a snarky comment about my hand flapping. How the fuck do you raise an autistic person for 40 years and NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HAND FLAPPING OR STIMMING!?!? She doesn’t know that it helps with emotional regulation and anxiety, not to mention horrible amounts of pent up energy that comes with it. How has she gone this long without knowing this basic shit??? I came down from it and was both relieved and angry. I’m still recovering! I texted her a bunch of sites about what meltdowns are, and a general guide to handling them, as well as what NOT to do when someone is having one. And another on fucking hand flapping in general as a way of stimming and also why someone might do it during a meltdown, because she seems to think it’s something to snark about or make derogatory comments about. That was not fucking cool at all. I get a bit violent during meltdowns and thrash around wildly, punch whatever is in the vicinity and hit myself in the face and legs. That could have been her!!! I was focused on the other direction and myself. I was super violent as a child up until the age of….13 maybe. I beat the shit out of everyone in my path during meltdowns. Of course I was undiagnosed and no one had any idea what a meltdown even was. They just assumed I was a bad kid. They tried to institutionalise me in grade 7 but I put up a hell of a fight. They wound up not going through with it. The meltdowns calmed over the next couple of years. By the time I was 14, I was barely having any. I had a great high-functioning run from 14-19. Early twenties? That shit came back with a vengeance. I wasn’t usually violent towards anyone else but once in a while someone got grazed.

I have been easily overwhelmed lately, don’t know why. I guess I just go through periods of oversensitivity to being overstimulated. I was in the grocery store with mom last week and wound up surrounded by people somehow. I stood there like a statue and said “please help, I am overwhelmed and can’t move.” She didn’t hear me so I just stood there like a lemon. It seems like things are getting a little worse autism-wise. ☹️ I wish to God there was a treatment. Please God, send me a miracle. I wish I wasn’t born with this burden. Because that’s exactly what it is. A burden on my SOUL.

Sorry I’m just angry about all of it…I’m always like this after a meltdown. I get angry and miserable about being born with autism. I can’t help but lament and loathe it. It’s a huge reminder of what’s wrong with me. Sometimes it’s too much to handle. Other people think autistic people are hard to deal with, imagine how some of us feel. We’re the ones who don’t do the autism pride stuff. We don’t tell everyone around us that we’re neurodivergent unless there’s a reason they need to know. We hope people don’t notice. Fat chance 😂 lol

I feel so misunderstood by everyone around me, everyone I’m related to, and people I called friends, and I don’t think even mental health professionals understand sometimes. My therapist sometimes doesn’t get it which I find odd. The people at ACA (the supervisors and stuff) don’t seem like they were trained for the most common problems their clients might have (autism, schizophrenia, mmr/mr, etc) and I just find that weird. I do not feel understood by my parents. Dad doesn’t show a lot of emotion towards me. I get along with him great, but when it comes to autism, ocd, whatever, he’s silent. If I were to cry in front of him, like I did on my birthday, he sat there and acted like nothing was happening. So while we get along great, he is not someone I can talk to about that stuff. I don’t expect him to change so I don’t push the matter. Mom is just…I don’t know lol. She’s got to get in her snarky passive aggressive remarks no matter what and also makes herself the poor put-upon victim after she’s done something wrong. I don’t know how to deal with that! It usually starts an argument. ☹️ Lately we’ve been getting on really well, but today was the exception. She has got to stop pushing me in certain ways because that is an obvious trigger but she never learns this. 🤷‍♀️ I tell her when I’m feeling distressed and can feel one coming, aka the rumble stage, but she pays no mind to anything I say. *sigh* Seriously, fuck autism. Some people, if anyone actually read this blog, would get all offended by that, but I’m an autistic person and that’s how I fucking feel about it. That is MY experience. Go suck an egg lol

I needed to vent that out, my God. I was about to explode.

Also, I think my post from yesterday (or maybe the day before, not sure) disappeared! It’s not there anymore, not in the drafts or anything. Feels like I’m taking crazy pills. 🥴. I forgot to check the trash. Maybe it’s in there.

I prayed hard for God to send me a best friend. Someone I’m meant to meet. Someone who won’t judge, harass, criticise constantly, lie and go back on promises they made, disrespect my privacy, or freaking hit me for absolutely no good reason. That’s something I want the most. A best friend. I don’t think I ever really had one in my life because they inspired that list of nonsense I just made. Total toxicity. Basically abuse. Gaslighting. Acting superior. I’m not going to put up with that ever again because they made me feel like garbage. I want a friend that will uplift me instead of beating me down and making me feel stupid and embarrassed. I want to do the same thing for that hypothetical friend. I pray they pop up at some point in time because I really need that…I need a true friend. I don’t care what they look like or how they dress, male or female, fat or thin, what race they are, what music they listen to, what religion they follow or don’t, whatever. It would be cool if they liked horror movies though haha 😆

Ah well….my breathing was super wacky after I got home and while I was eating….this calmed it down thank God.

Also could someone please punch me in the puss SUPER HARD when I say I’m getting McDonalds? Because that’s what I did today. I need to be pimp slapped every time. Keep that pimp hand strong! Cuz I’m gonna need it! I don’t want to ruin myself but it’s just the most convenient and there’s not much else. 😐

I just want to say, once again, that this iPhone keyboard is the devil. Hate it. The autocorrect is absurd.

Tags:autism mental health Religion

May 12 2025 May 12, 2025 May 12, 2025 No Comment by Eden

Posted in Uncategorized

I’m really enjoying this break from the hot weather. It’s all rain though, and I’m not fond of getting damp when I go out. No, I don’t have an umbrella because…reasons. Better than hot humid weather. I’m not built for it. I had heatstroke multiple times as a child and don’t feel like doing that again 😅 I wish I could have one of those Botox shots in my armpits that stop sweating for 6 months to a year. It’s hella expensive, but I’d totally do it. Sweaty, smelly armpits harsh my buzz. I wonder if you can get Botox shots to prevent summer swamp ass…

I’m really thanking God for giving me relief from some of my biggest stressors. I haven’t had self harm and suicidal thoughts since I got the sign I asked for. I can’t seem to feel the anxiety and stress anymore. I guess I could feel anxiety over other things, but I really haven’t had that tested. It’s really a miracle. In some ways, I do feel a little bit unsure of how I’m feeling because I have never had peace in my life and I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like. I’m having to adjust a little. I know that sounds strange but I am not accustomed to NOT feeling awful.

I might have had a good run from ages 14-19, but I don’t remember if I felt actual peace even back then. I was still mentally ill. I know I was able to feel happy, however. That all went away when I was 19, in late February of 2005. I had a major panic attack for literally no apparent reason, and I think it flipped some kind of switch in my brain, or blew a fuse. I don’t know. I wasn’t able to feel positive emotions for many years after. Only negative ones. And boy, were they negative. Constant panic attacks, delusions, hallucinations….I don’t know how I got through it alive. A lot of people would have ended themselves, it was that bad. I genuinely thought I was schizophrenic! My cousin was, and I was always scared I’d develop it in my 20s. Psychiatrist said I wasn’t. My positive emotions started coming back after maybe 6 or 7 years. They were very blunted though, probably the medications I took. Or maybe my brain was trying to heal itself. I really haven’t a clue. My autism went waaaay downhill as well. I used to be independent. I didn’t need my mom all the time. I would go out in my own car, go grocery shopping, do other stuff, and pick up dinner. I was probably 19 or 20 when I was able to do that stuff.

I am praying for God to heal me, so maybe I can do those things again and don’t have to depend on anyone so much. I mean, I’ll never NOT be autistic, but I would be so so so grateful to be more high-functioning. I will pray and work on things. I really need to work on my fear of driving. I’m not necessarily afraid I’ll wreck, rather I’m terrified of hitting and killing a pedestrian or an animal. A family friend had that happen to him (Killed a road worker but it was not his fault. People were spreading rumours he was drunk. He was not.) He was never the same after that and never drove again. Seeing that happen made me even more afraid. I’ve been totally blinded by lights at night (like he was) and actually hit a car! It’s easy to get blinded by road construction lights at night and a bunch of friggin COP CARS with their friggin lights on at the same time. Bright as the sun. That’s what got me. I wish I could get an old $1500 junker that would get me from point A to point B and I could just start driving again like a normal person!! Tired of being dependent…maybe my newfound faith can help me with these things. Encourage me. I’m such a chicken butt though 😭 I don’t know how to get past that!

Geez…maybe I need counselling for that specifically.

Another day of wacky breathing. Once again, writing calmed it down, but it will probably start again when I move. I’m going to my doctor for it again. My psychiatrist upping one of my depression meds did nothing to help. I think my doctor needs to refer me to a specialist. I do not think it’s anxiety anymore. Anxiety can make it worse, but I don’t believe it’s the direct cause. I have been feeling perfectly calm, no real signs of anxiety, yet it still happens, every day. It was better for a few weeks as it didn’t start up anytime I did something besides friggin sit…now it’s back to how it was in the beginning. I don’t think it’s just gonna go away. I’m so scared of copd, lung cancer, and anything similar. That’s one of my worst nightmares. I had a longtime friend pass away from lung cancer. (RIP Nisé, and fuck cancer.) I really don’t want to experience that myself. I think one in every four people have some kind of cancer in their lifetime. Mom had it, her dad (my pawpaw) had it, great grandma had pancreatic cancer which is fricken terrifying…don’t know about dad’s side.

I’m paranoid lol. I’m kind of a pessimist, always have been, so I always think of the worst case scenarios. 😅

Rabbit in the Moon

Tag: Religion

Jeez.

Well, I did it.

ReMix: Sonic the Hedgehog 3 “IceCapped”

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