Tag: physical health

Nov 14 2025 November 14, 2025 November 15, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Well.

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Dad has cancer. It’s a three inch tumour in the liver. He has a biopsy Wednesday to find out what kind it is. He compartmentalises really well, so he was pretty chill and acted normal when I came to their house for dinner this afternoon. I don’t know what’s going on in his head, though. Mom is a mess but doesn’t show it. I’m just…I don’t know. Trying to process all of this, I guess. I don’t want to lose my dad, man. Who will I have stupid, nonsensical arguments about aliens and other dumb crap with? Who will I sit around and watch body cam videos with? What would happen to mom? How am I supposed to deal with it?? I’m hoping that he doesn’t reject treatment. Mom brought that possibility up. I hope they’ll just cut the tumour out, but I don’t know how cancer treatments work. When mom had cancer in 2003, it was caught really early and the only thing necessary was a hysterectomy. It didn’t have time to metastasise, and she’s been cancer free for 22 years. Well, except for having to remove possible skin cancers all the time, but you know what I mean. Maybe dads hasn’t and it can be cut out and he won’t need any chemo or radiation. Mom didn’t have any. Eh, I don’t even know what the hell I’m on about, I have no useful knowledge about this. ☹️ I guess we’ll see on Wednesday…

Something odd happened with one of my uncles in NY. Dad has three brothers and a sister. One uncle called dad and asked if he had heard from one of their brothers. Dad said he hadn’t. Uncle said he heard that my other uncle had a heart attack or something and he couldn’t get in touch with him or his wife. Dad called AWOL uncle and left a message. He got a reply a few days later and it was a strange story! My uncle had been at his gym and was using one of the things (I don’t know shit about exercise machines.) had a sudden heart attack (the “widowmaker” kind) fell off the machine and cracked his head open. An EMT happened to be working out there, and started compressions until Paramedics came and took him. He was knocked out cold for seven hours. He actually died and they paddled until he came back. Apparently, when he was in the hospital and unconscious, he had horrible nightmares the whole time.

He woke up SWINGING. It took seven men to hold him down. He was fighting everybody! He said he didn’t know if he was dead or alive and woke up in the middle of a bad nightmare. Maybe fighting with something in the dream? I’ve done the same thing myself, woke up kinda violently during a nightmare…

He didn’t have an NDE or anything like that. It was just darkness and nothing. I’m going to ask dad to have him expound on the details of it because I’m curious and like hearing what happens when someone dies and is revived. I am curious about what they did or didn’t experience while being dead. My paternal grandfather had something like two or three super vivid NDEs. He had died a number of times and survived against the odds every time. Freaky deaky!

I just realised how weird it is that this happened almost a MONTH ago, and none of the siblings got in contact and it seems like no one called anyone until my uncle called dad. Also, the uncle that had the heart attack didn’t call anyone to let them know! And if he did, they didn’t pass the news along. I know they aren’t exactly close, but dayum that’s cold! 😳 Dad’s side is weird as fuck. I do miss some of them since they live way up north in NY & Delaware and I haven’t seen them in decades, but they are definitely weird. 😅

I’m going to start a project to try and keep my mind busy. I need to sort my zillions of DVDs and Blu-rays. How I’m going to do this, I’m not sure…alphabetically or by genre? I also need to find another goddam shelving unit, but Roses refuses to restock them!! I like whatever generic brand they use. Sturdy, inexpensive and easy to assemble. And they’re pretty big and fit a lot of my books and movies. Maybe I’ll go there tomorrow and get lucky…


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Nov 03 2025 November 3, 2025 November 4, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I started feeling crappy last night.

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Nov 02 2025 November 2, 2025 November 2, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I renewed one of my domains a few days ago. This particular domain extension is regulated by a European country I believe, and has an odd renewal process. It will expire 6 or 7 days before the expiration date, which makes NO sense, but whatever, it’s theirs, they can do what they want with it. I pay it the first of November to avoid that problem, as the expiration date is towards the end of the month. Anyhow, when I paid for it, I generally use PayPal because it’s directly connected to my bank account… this time I forgot to tick “PayPal” and instead paid by card. A bit later I realised it didn’t show on my bank app. I went back and looked at the last four digits of the card it used, and I don’t recognise it. I don’t think any of mom’s cards are in there, don’t know why they would be…unless she helped me out at some point and I don’t remember. I asked her to look at her banking site and let me know if $30something came out. She said nope. The fuck? Who paid for it? It has to be one of hers. I was worried I would get an email saying the payment didn’t actually go through and mess up my domain somehow. I haven’t. I’m concerned and very confused lol whose money did I steal

I write about the most boring shit haha

I got approved for some fanlistings I had wanted previously, and two that I owned 8 or 9 years ago. I don’t still have the member lists for one of the two I previously owned, luckily a friend who had adopted it from me and closed it a while later still had the sql! Now I have to gather the energy to get on my damn laptop which I haven’t touched in at least a couple of months. I don’t want to but I’ll do it…soon. *procrastinates as usual* I mean I love fanlistings, I love owning them but it’s gotten harder in the last few years. I’ve had this as an on and off hobby since 2004 when I made my first fl. I wish I still had that energy and dedication. I’m not going to let them get on troubles and close. I’ve wanted to own the fl for Stonehenge for a long time, and it recently became open to apply for because the previous owner neglected it or something. I 💜 megaliths!

My body feels like it did when I ran out of Lyrica and mom didn’t tell me because I’d freak out. CVS just would not fill it! I was absolutely miserable and told mom “I don’t think the Lyrica is working anymore!” Then she told me I’d run out. I didn’t have it for around two weeks and that period of time sucked. I feel like when I didn’t take it, maybe a little worse. Everything hurts. I feel like it’s mostly fiery nerve pain, but also my rotator cuffs and the worn down messed up vertebrae in my neck. I forgot which ones they were, c-6 and c-7 maybe. Or c-5 could have been one. Well, whichever they are, THEY SUCK, HARD. I wish someone could fix it, but dad has had both neck and back surgery and it did NOT go well, sooooo. 😅 There has to be something I can do to lessen the pain but I don’t know what that is.


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Nov 01 2025 November 1, 2025 November 1, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Nothing special for hallowe’en this year, only saw like three kids out trick or treating after dark. For shame! 😬 I did have a wicked headache when I went to bed at around 8 that morning (told you my sleep schedule is backwards!) so I popped two Aleve and laid there, unable to find any position that would help the pain. I swear it felt like my eyeballs were gonna launch from their sockets. Everything else hurt too, including my neck, but goddam. I couldn’t go five seconds without repositioning my stupid head. I have no clue how I got to sleep even though it took forever. I woke up at 3-ish and it was even worse. Mom got here and I got up and “dressed” (zombie shirt, South Park pajama pants, lilo & stitch slip ons 😂 fucking visualise that.) and decided we’d just pick up food and eat at her house, because I was not fit to go to a restaurant, obviously. I realised a bit later that my headache was gone. When I went to bed at 6 this morning, after feeding and medicating the beast, I felt it starting to come back behind my eyes. I hollered “OH GOD PLEASE NO” which I’m pretty sure my neighbour heard. Laid down, because what else am I gonna do, I have to sleep. It didn’t come back, the eye pain faded away and I was able to sleep. I’m almost certain that was some kind of migraine considering how long it lasted and the intensity of the pain. My face and scalp were so tender! When I have headaches, I usually rub my temples and other spots on my face & head, but oh boy did it hurt this time.🥺 Odd, because I don’t remember the last time I had a migraine. I started having them when I was 12 I think, but it stopped being bad after a few years. I then only had them sporadically for many years after that, then they sort of petered out. This also felt like there was a lot of pressure involved. Pressure headaches suck! It had to have been a migraine, though, because it was so persistent and the fact that my go-to pain pills did nothing.

I wrote entirely too much about that, it’s like I have to over explain everything lol. Boring read, I know.

Yesterday did not feel like Hallowe’en to me. That was disappointing. It’s always disappointing. I used to feel it in the air around me. I haven’t felt that feeling in quite a while, I really miss it. Things felt different, but in a good way. I look back on that and wonder wtf happened and why can’t I feel the difference in the air anymore.

I almost sent mom’s shirt back, but she saw it and wouldn’t let me. I was so torn up about not being able to find what I wanted in long sleeves, even though I think Woot! Offered long sleeves for that shirt but it wouldn’t be in the woman’s fit, so I didn’t know what the fuck to do?! I kept tearing up about it the whole night. But she likes it. I just hope that wasn’t performative, to save my feelings or whatever. I don’t know if I’ll get her anything else. That stressed me out way too much. Mom is so goddam hard to shop for. Dad is super easy. I know what kind of shirts he likes for the most part. I was surprised he liked my “I have rabies” shirt as much as he did, he’s got very few “text” shirts. I always get him band shirts. I knew he’d think it was funny, but I didn’t know he’d want one for himself 😂  He doesn’t know I’m getting it, but mom told me he definitely wanted that shirt. I’m always happy to accept someone into the rabid raccoon club…*foams at the mouth*

It’s so nice to not have a lot of debt anymore. I consolidated into $100 a month payments to mom, which she passed on to my uncle who loaned her the money. I feel like I can breathe again. I have one affirm plan left and I’ll have another because of Christmas gifts but that’s fine. I have paid off the majority of that credit card. I’m not doing it totally at once. That would have been like throwing $100 into the freaking void! It’s physically painful to pay into a card knowing I can’t use the money and it’s gone forever. I’ll probably have it paid off next month or in January. Depends on how I feel.

Id better hurry and order some shirts. I got one at the beginning of last month that still hasn’t gotten here. About 25 days after I ordered, they shipped it! It’s coming from Spain, but I’ve gotten a number of things from Spain and they have never taken that long. I’m scared my gifts will come after Christmas as they have a couple of times before.

Well, I have to feed and shot the beast in…five minutes. Later, internet!


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Oct 28 2025 October 28, 2025 October 28, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I just got done paying off all my debt I could. I’m afraid I might have overdrawn, I hope not. All the charges are listed in my banking app. I once again don’t know if the pending charges are included in my balance. That irks the hell out of me. I’m definitely not going to be able to pay off that credit card. I think I’ll pay $50 into it monthly instead of $25, so it’ll be paid off in three months rather than six. I also owe mom that $200.

All this money stuff confuses me. But to be fair, everything confuses me.

I canceled my physical therapy appointment for today. I don’t see the point, and I’ve never put much stock into it. My insurance will only pay for a few visits anyway, so I don’t see any reason to bother with it. My arms and neck are getting worse, unfortunately for me.


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Oct 12 2025 October 12, 2025 October 12, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I closed my capital one card, my first and only (so far) credit card. I am scared of how this will affect my credit score. I just couldn’t deal with the never ending cycle of trying to pay it off and never being able to just DO it because I don’t have enough to cover the whole balance every month when all it does is pay one bill and accrue more fucking interest. Now I have to pay $25 into it for six more fucking months to pay it off once and for all. I’m going to get another one after asking more questions so I get the least crappy one I can. I do question if I actually need one. Would not having a cc affect my score negatively? If not, I don’t know if I want to get another one. I need to talk to someone who knows about this. I might ask the people at Telco (my bank) when I go to apply for my first loan ever Tuesday. I’m applying for $1624. I might add $100 to that to help me this month. I want to pay off all the Klarna and Affirm payments, and the $200 I owe mom for the vet payment snafu. I’m hoping consolidating my debts will give me a significantly lower monthly payment than I’m having to pay now. I’m just hoping my credit will show that I am trustworthy and will pay it off diligently. There are many things I don’t understand and I may be wrong in what I’m saying about pretty much everything I’ve said in this post lol. I’m gonna get clarification when I go and apply.

Oscar is already doing better after only three shots. He’s urinating less and it doesn’t smell as gnarly. I hope he’s feeling better since this started. I worry about him, like a lot. Cats and dogs are just kids that live on the floor 😁

I have an appointment with the gastroenterologist tomorrow morning. Since they couldn’t complete the procedure last time, I have to start over completely. I hope I don’t have to wait months like the first time, not being able to properly swallow half the time is a real pain in the ass!! It’s also uncomfortable and makes it difficult to concentrate on stuff or get to sleep. It’s pretty disruptive and has plagued me for years, but it finally got so bad that I’d had enough. I was told about how it could be stretched out to solve the problem, even if it has to be done again every year or two. I really wish I’d known that before I suffered for so long 😅


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Oct 07 2025 October 7, 2025 October 7, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Why do people like ruining things for me? I don’t have much to look forward to, nor do I really have anything going for me and there are only two people I can talk to without some crap happening, and one I don’t know well enough to trauma dump on. The third is the one that starts the shitsorms.

Anyways, the third ruined the winter holiday season (including Christmas!) for me. It is so freaking upsetting because it’s my favourite time of the year and actually gives me a mood boost. Like I said, I don’t have a lot to look forward to, except that.  That’s why I’m affected so strongly. I just wish people didn’t have to be so inflammatory with the shit they say. It gets in my stupid head and won’t GO AWAY. I don’t know how to make it stop! I’m just….so unhappy about so many things. People and their stupid words make it so much worse. When you have so much bad shit going on in your head, it…doesn’t take a whole lot to fuck me up and make whatever it is three times as bad.

I’m hoping this crap fades away with time and the holiday won’t be full of stress and sadness for me. I hope it can be normal and I can be comfy and happy. That’s something I get literally ONCE A YEAR. I used to have summer vacation to be excited about, but we all know I’ll probably never get out of this fucking ARMPIT of a town again.

Sorry, I have been crying some and am so stressed I might puke. Everything hurts.

Oh, speaking of everything hurting….orthopaedic surgeon says my arm socket or the ball has extra bone growing on it (the fuck does that mean) and it’s “hanging low” or something, and my C5 and C6 (I think, memory sucks) vertebrae in my neck are all fucked up and worn down and has bone spurs in the front. Da fuq??? Dude I’m only 40, I should not be having these problems. Yes, I had a car accident in 2003, but could one accident cause all these problems?? I’m about the age of when dad started having issues with his back, and mom started the same shit about 5 years ago. Dad had a rough job (correctional officer) and he did have some physical interactions with inmates when they acted up, and he also caught Hep C from one which was cured many years later with interferon. It still wrecked him pretty good though because he had it for a long time. He’s had two neck surgeries as one back surgery. I am SO scared I could end up like that. It’s basically failed back syndrome or degenerative disc disease. Ugh. Do not want.

Well I have to have yet another MRI and be put under again. I don’t even know what to do, I do not have much hope that physical therapy will help, because they’d be moving and exercising my entire fucking body, and Medicaid will only pay for so many appointments. I feel kind of screwed…..and hopeless.

I feel like I’ve fallen into a void where I don’t care about anything and don’t want to do anything. It’s scary and upsetting. Also, my fucking neck is killing me. 🖕


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Sep 15 2025 September 15, 2025 September 16, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I’ve just noticed that Oscar is walking completely flat-footed on his back legs. I looked it up and I think he might have injured himself jumping on and off counters. Based on what I read, it’s probably a tendon/ligament injury or a fracture. This literally just started a week ago. I didn’t actually notice the flat-footed stance, but that his back feet were sliding from under him and that he was sitting funny. I noticed his feet yesterday. Would this be considered orthopaedic? If so, I need to wait a bit longer to take him to the vet so it won’t be considered a pre-existing condition. His insurance won’t cover that. I feel rotten making him wait, but if I don’t have insurance to pay for any treatment he might need, I wouldn’t be able to pay for it at all. Even if there’s a $200-something deductible I have to pay first, I imagine he would need ongoing treatment and I definitely couldn’t pay for that over and over. I think I made the right decision to insure him.

I just got back from the orthopaedic doctor. I got x-rayed and he says I have some sort of narrowing in my hip I think, memory is shite. My hips are also a bit uneven. I have to have another MRI 😭 I think I’ve mentioned before that I am very claustrophobic and have to be put completely under in order to have one. I also can’t control my breathing if I’m conscious which makes them have to do the same test several times so I’d be in there for at least twice as long as normal. I really don’t mind anaesthesia. Mom doesn’t like me to have it, but I do not have much anxiety at all about anaesthesia or surgical procedures. I’m thankful for that because I seem to have to be put under way more than the average person.

Dad is still kind of fucked up from the “special” gummy he ate, and it’s been weeks. He’s walking again, but won’t go to his doctor, nor will he go out with us. I do not know what it is about going to get help that violently  repels men. If I were feeling that way I’d be at the urgent care at the very least, because I’d rather not die over a fucking weed gummy.


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Sep 07 2025 September 7, 2025 September 7, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Dad is SUPER sick. He can’t walk without a walker, and as far as know, he’s never used one. Had a very high fever and says his liver hurts. Me and mom tried to convince him to go to the hospital, or at least an urgent care. Nope. Right before this weird affliction, dad ate a “special” gummy and has been messed up since. I’m wondering if he got an extremely loaded one from a bad batch. He’s been eating gummies and edibles for a long time, this is not normal. The only curious part is the fever. We’re pretty sure it was the gummy, but why the high fever? I’m hoping he gets better soon because he looked absolutely miserable!

I have to be at the friggin hospital at about 7:30am tomorrow. I don’t think I’ll bother sleeping.

I had to cancel Oscar’s vet appointment tomorrow afternoon because of the insurance waiting period. I don’t know if I should wait the 14 days, or the 30 days for orthopaedic stuff. I don’t know what’s going on with him so I might have to wait the full 30.


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Sep 05 2025 September 5, 2025 September 5, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I have decided that my archenemy is…mulch. I went to Outback with Karen today and she parked next to the curb with bushes and mulch. When I went to get back into the car, I was attempting to balance whilst walking across the stupid mulch. I almost made it but I lost my balance and fell into a prickle bush. I was not wearing platforms, I simply do not have the necessary balance to walk on that shit anymore. I howled, because the prickles were stabbing my arse and leg and I could not right myself. It took three people to get my dumb ass back on my feet because the prickle bush made it too painful to even try, how bloody embarrassing 😭

I am getting mom a Hydroflask for Christmas. If I spend $40+ on a fucking thermos maybe she’ll feel too bad to not use it. This woman is bonkers. She keeps her bottles of water in the car during summer and drinks hot water! I basically bullied her into buying a very cheap thermos at the Dollar Store, but she has yet to use it. Why would anyone want to drink hot water? 😵‍💫 As for Dad, I am getting him T-shirts…again. He has enough AC/DC and Pink Floyd, so I think I’ll get him two, a Boston and one of ABBA. He has neither and those are two favourites of his. Gonna look on Etsy instead of Amazon because that’s where I get the vast majority of my shirts from. They’re usually more original with better designs.

I’ve noticed that men are much easier to shop for than women. I never know about mom. She is so hard to read and I never have a clue what is something she will use often. Mom likes practical things. Dad and me? T-shirts. Get us shirts and we’re happy.

I go out with my new peer support today! I really like her. I met her yesterday.

I have the appointment for my endoscopy (I think? lol) Monday, if they find that my esophagus needs to be stretched, which I’m praying is the case…maybe I can finally get relief from this swallowing problem which has been getting even worse.

I also have been referred to the Orthopaedic doctor because of my facked up shoulder as well as my leg. Getting X-rays of both. I reallly hope I don’t have to have another MRI.

I finally found a “Respect my authoritah!” Cartman shirt! Every other one I’ve found spells it “authority” which bothers me. It’s AUTHORITAH, dammit. 😆

Listening to: The Mission – Deliverance

 


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