Tag: nostalgia

Nov 04 2025 November 4, 2025 November 4, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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6 Breakthroughs made by the Ancient Greeks

Some of these are completely insane. It baffles me how people who didn’t have the scientific instruments and information we have gathered since the Enlightenment were able to figure this stuff out. How the guy who pretty accurately calculated the earth’s circumference 2,060 years ago by using shadows and a weird measurement system called “stadia” is mind boggling. He was almost right. Ancient people are not given enough credit. Note; that site is advert ridden. They really want that ad revenue. Like really. It may be crammed with annoying ads, but the articles are often very much worth reading, especially if you like to learn odd historical facts. Just a warning haha

People also have this weird idea that the ancients didn’t know about each other and didn’t interact, which is silly. I’m talking about Europeans, Asians, Arabs etc. They think these people didn’t communicate. They traded, learned from one another, and of course, fought 😬 Trinkets from far, far away have been found in Viking burial sites. There’s many more examples of things like that. History is cool. I’ve forgotten more than I’ve learned, if that’s possible 😅 I feel like I want to relearn a lot of things, but I worry that I don’t have the brain power to do so. Maybe once I find out what’s wrong with me, I can do something about it and possibly regain my memory. Like I wrote before, I’m trying to get off the meds that destroyed my brain. Then, maybe I can learn again since the damage seems not to be permanent in most cases. Okay, not going to get into that now. No more negativity today. 🫠

I’ve always been really interested in the Bronze Age, maybe I should do some recreational reading, but nothing too dry and academic. I’m not looking for a lecture lol. Give it some levity. 👌

The only dry, academic thing I’ve ever liked is Early Music, both sacred and secular. I wouldn’t really call it totally dry, but the reenactors take it pretty seriously, with as accurate as possible period costume and exclusively accurate period instruments. Truly beautiful music. Do recommend. In NC, we have Carolina Pro Musica and sometimes I wish I could be involved somehow but I have none of the necessary skills to be of use. I always wanted a Hurdy Gurdy since I discovered this type of music, but they go for about $1500 because the nice ones are handmade by someone who specialises in period instruments or even just Hurdy Gurdies alone. They make the most beautiful droning sound, like something you would imagine hearing in a candlelit medieval tavern. Some people say it reminds them of certain medieval set video game soundtracks. Here is my favourite Hurdy gurdy composition on YouTube by far

It’s an original composition by Andrey Vinogradov. Guy’s a genius. The comments are freakin gold!

Holy crap WordPress just glitched out on me and almost made me lose my post! I am seriously considering switching to greymatter since someone updated it for modern times and put it on GitHub. lol “modern times”, did I really just say that? Am I that old? 😭 Anyhoo Greymatter is the first script I used for a self-hosted blog in 2003, so it was obviously extremely outdated and had tons of safety concerns and wouldn’t have worked on any php version still available. It was extremely popular at that time, and most people used it for blogs hosted on personal domains. I’m excited to check out what kind of updates were made or if any features were added. I haven’t gotten around to that yet. WordPress is so bloated and glitches sometimes, but the one just now was probably the worst. I do wonder how updated Greymatter handles media, because the original had nothing of the sort. New Greymatter has the ability to import WordPress posts. When I was using it, there were no “themes”, you had to make the layout yourself, basically it was just code snippets/inserts. Very simple. It was very similar to how we used to make custom Livejournal layouts, of which I made many for both myself and friends.

Ah, I have rambled and gone on a stream of consciousness again. At least it’s positive and about things I enjoy ☺️


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Oct 28 2025 October 28, 2025 October 29, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Oh god I’m so relieved!! I thought I accidentally overdrew my account last night while paying off Affirm and Klarna bills. I really thought I was gonna wind up  $100-200 in the red! I went to the bank and they are so helpful. That’s why I love Telco. They do not get annoyed with me even though I misunderstand stuff and ask for help sometimes. The lady that helped me explained some things about the app that I just couldn’t understand for whatever dumb reason and assured me I wasn’t overdrawn. I have $143 left, actually and just used $100 of it to pay off half my credit card.

I’m using $20 to get a friggin buzz when Lauren comes to get me. My hair is driving me bonkers, it’s doing the thing where it forms a literal POINT on top of my head and it looks so stupid. I don’t know why that’s the default state of my hair once it grows out too much, and there’s no way to comb it down either. Can’t wait to be rid of that 😅

The vet assistant actually did have an emergency yesterday and that’s why she didn’t come pick up Oscar. I hope no animals were harmed. She’s supposed to be here to get him any time now. I just wanna put my jammies on and eat dinner but I’m having to wait. I need to be cozy in my jammies and eat my delicious chick-fil-a which is still in the bag.

Ah, she just came and took him. Shouldn’t take long, it’s just a sugar check. That reminds me I still need to get a sugar kit on Amazon. They’re made specifically for cats.

Im still pissed about the Albanese Joy Division shirt kerfluffle 😂 I wanna tell them how dumb they are (Sky News Australia I mean as well as commenters who bought the bullshit) but I hate hate HATE arguing on the internet. So, so much. I hate drama and never start it myself, ever.

Anyhoo

Mom was driving me home Sunday night, and one of my favourite songs came on. “Richard Hung Himself” by D.I., a punk band. The song is from 1983 and played a big part in the soundtrack to the movie Suburbia. She said “Richard hung himself?! I thought I was hearing it wrong until I saw the title!” It was funny, guess you had to be there 😅 I explained the song and she wasn’t offended or anything lol. My mom is 75 and we listen to my music together almost every day. I swear this woman has been exposed to far more music than most 75 year old moms. She says she likes the majority of what I play, mostly the goth stuff. That’s pretty cool. She’s 75, but she’s what I would call a rocker, even though she looks nothing like that. I’m really hoping she’ll wear the super cool T-shirts I’m getting her for Christmas, even though they have short sleeves. I got her a very subtle Wednesday Addams shirt that says “I don’t evolve, I cocoon.” She likes the Addams Family, but I really got it because of the cocoon reference. Every day when she drives me home, I say “Go home and cocoon.” 😬 That’s what we call putting on a blanket and curling up on the couch, which is her favourite part of the day lol. I still haven’t entirely decided on dads shirts. Mom is getting that one, The Beatles, and Queen. Dad is getting “I have rabies” and…lmao I forgot which ones I had in mind besides that. I get stupider by the day, I swear. Maybe I should get him a Queen shirt as well, all three of us are Queen fans so I know he’d like it. Hmmm

So Friday is Hallowe’en/Samhain. We go out to eat on Friday nights, but I don’t know if we’ll go anyplace special. I’m really hoping I see kids trick or treating on the streets rather than those stupid “Trunk or Treats” they have at Churches,  because I feel like churches killed Halloween at least around here! I feel resentment for that. Even if they’re just trick or treating at the stores in downtown, at least they’re out. Nobody goes house to house anymore, which I find depressing. It also makes me feel so thankful that I did most of my growing up in the 90s when trick or treating was normal. I usually had a friend with me and even though we were young, my parents gave us space and lagged quite a distance behind, while still keeping their eyes on us. It was a wonderful experience as a kid and was SO different than it is now. Kids go out only in the daylight now, and sometimes not even on Hallowe’en, which is just lame. The city council determines when the stores hand out candy 🙄 No such thing when I was a kid, and we always went out ON Hallowe’en, didn’t matter if we had school the next day. We also went out towards dusk and stayed out probably until 9 or 10pm. People seem to be allergic to that kind of fun now. It’s more fun in the dark 😸 I’m so glad I had a normal, non-sterilised experience. I did wind up in a church one Hallowe’en though, which was a godawful experience 😂 I wrote about that at some point. They also didn’t give us candy. Today, that experience would probably count as some kind of child abuse 🤣 haha

Oscar just got back and I have to reduce his insulin to 1.5 units, which can’t be done with a lantus pen. I am not yet comfortable with syringes. I’m scared I’d accidentally give him too much and kill my own cat. The vet assistant told me which kind to buy at Walmart and said she’d stop by tomorrow and show me exactly how to use it. It sucks to not use the lantus pen anymore because it was so simple. I’m afraid I’ll have to buy insulin as well, because it’s about $100 for one bottle even though it lasts for months. That means I’ll have to make more claims on his insurance. I haven’t even made the first claim yet because I have to make a video and I’m scared I’ll say something wrong and they’ll deny me. I’m asking Lauren to help me do that tomorrow. She’s very proactive and structured and I love that about her. Makes my life so much easier, and even better, more productive. Doing things I’ve been meaning to do for a while but procrastinated on. Anyhow when I got his insurance I had no clue that making a claim would require a video and various other things, which is something that should have been disclosed! Ahhh I don’t wanna. But I must.

Well, I’m finally in my jammies and under a blanket and my delicious magic chicken sandwiches await me. Have a good one, internet.


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Oct 11 2025 October 11, 2025 October 12, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I just fed Oscar some pâté and gave him one unit of insulin from his own lantus pen. He didn’t seem to notice when I stuck him, which is great! Too busy munching to care I guess. I checked to see what one unit looks like and it is barely noticeable, it was a teeny weeny little orb of liquid on the end of the needle. I am left wondering how that little drop could help! Maybe I don’t understand that well since I myself am on 45 units twice a day 😅 Thank God for that freaking insurance because he’s going to have a lot of vet visits. I kind of knew this would happen! *pats self on back* I made a good decision on my own, without anyone suggesting it or telling me how to do anything! I don’t think I’ve really done that before, especially with something like insurance. I know that’s kind of unbelievable, but remember the autism and other cognitive stuff. I never had to make any decisions of that type. No one ever thought I’d be able to live alone either, but here I am, being an adult…sort of 😸 lol

He’s being a lap cat at the moment, probably because he’s happy he got wet food twice today. He’s not getting dry food anymore. I don’t think he likes the “stink cereal” anyways. I don’t know if treats are allowed either, but there were a couple good questions including that, that I forgot to ask. I wanted to know if he would walk normally again once his diabetes gets under control, if that’s what’s causing it anyhow. He’s going back to get his sugar tested next week, so I’ll ask then.

And on an entirely different topic…

I was having a conversation with mom about old horror movies. Mom would go to her grandmas house to watch the block of Hammer Horror movies that were on one of the three existing channels, because they didn’t have a TV set yet. That made me think of one channel I watched that also had a block of time for horror movies once a week. I was trying to find what it was called in the late 2000s/early 2010s. Keep in mind this was circa 1989. It had a particular ad promoting it that I remember pretty well, it was a bathtub full of blood and a hand covered in blood (duh) reaches out of it. It always scared me but I loved it because I was a baby horror hound thanks to dad 😬 I was trying so hard to remember the channel. TBS popped in my head but I don’t know. I tried this one site that was just for that, finding things people remembered from childhood but just couldn’t remember what exactly it was called or whatever. I was not able to find anything. I wonder if that site is still around, since there’s now a subreddit for the exact same thing. I’m not posting on Reddit because it’s a toxic shitshow 😅 ugh. I’m trying to find the image of the bloody bathtub hand. It would be a lot easier if I knew the name of the fucking thing! Idk, this is something that’s been annoying me for a couple decades. Don’t know why! Maybe because it’s something  that’s stuck with me for 35-36 freaking years! I was able to find the block of cartoons (and my first anime! Ronin Warriors!) I used to watch circa 1992-ish, the name of it, when it was on, the channel and all that. But I have not been able to find this! I look for these things out of nostalgia. Nostalgia is a strong emotion, as I’m sure you know. It’s also one of the nicest feelings imo. I love being able to put a name on the mysterious things I used to watch that I couldn’t identify before. I still have a few things I haven’t found, namely movies I saw that I only remember little parts of, and would love to watch them again. I know I’ll have a wicked dopamine rush when I finally figure them out! 😸

Yes, I’m stuck in the past which is fine with me, because the present sucks 😂

EDIT: I despise AI art. It’s soulless. I would much rather buy art made by humans, that you can SEE it’s made by an actual person! I was looking at prints on Etsy and people were using AI. I felt so disappointed. I don’t want AI slop on my wall. Sometimes I can live with it, like with my “Screaming Possums” calendar I got on Temu. Of course the pictures were gonna be AI, I expected that. But selling prints of “art” made with AI, SIGNED prints mind you, is just freakin diabolical. Don’t piss up my leg and tell me it’s raining. 🙄

Another thing is…I don’t think I’m a Christian anymore. I’ve felt like this for a couple of days now. I’m simply not made for it, never was. And the old gods were calling me back…

🪄🗡️🏰🌞🪺🍄🐉🐦‍⬛🐕‍🦺🐇🐃🧚🏼‍♀️🧝🏻‍♀️ (look at me acting like a bored boomer. I was finding related emojis lol)


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Aug 20 2025 August 20, 2025 August 21, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Man…I’m SO glad I didn’t have “helicopter parents”. I’m so glad I wasn’t raised by an iPad or constantly doomscrolling on a smartphone. I didn’t have either of those things until my 20s & 30s. I pretty much went wherever I wanted within walking distance, either alone or with a friend. I didn’t have an adult looming over me all the time. I feel like older millennials (aka Xennials) were the last ones to be raised like that. Sure, the internet popped up in 1993 and dad has had computers since the 80s, but my face wasn’t constantly in the screen. Raised normally but with a small side of tech. Most people didn’t even have what we had! I miss role playing X-Men with my friend in 95f heat, getting what was probably heat exhaustion, then going inside, getting a drink and some Cheetos snd plunking down to watch Gumby. Weird choice I know lol. I am so freaking glad social media didn’t exist until my early 20s. Unless you count MySpace. I was 19 when I got my account. Nostalgia be hittin’ hard lately. I guess it gets worse after you hit 40.

Ugh I’m so tired…I’m going to have to take a nap.

Oh, I should mention that Oscar is doing better. He’s not isolating and totally ignoring me anymore, and has started to jump up on my chair again. I’m so happy. I was so worried, I mean I’m still worried and am getting him to the vet, but I feel more at ease.


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Aug 16 2025 August 16, 2025 August 16, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I just watched a video on the “early internet”, I guess that means from the early 90s to the early 00s, and mentioned how wild chat rooms could be. It made me remember what a troll I was in 2001. I befriended a guy on Yahoo Messenger and he told me about a “cracking program” you could use to troll Yahoo chat rooms, among other things, so you bet your ass I downloaded it and we wrought havoc in certain rooms. There was a feature to use pre-made ascii art, most of which were pretty offensive, and spam them in the chat. We teamed up every night and did this 😂 I was very anti-religion back then and would troll the Christian chats with satanic skull ascii’s and stuff, which I kind of feel bad about 24 years later, but I was 16 and tired of being told I was “going to hell” for wearing a spiked collar 😅 I was generally annoyed with religious people of any background. So we trolled the hell out of their chats. Jerk move, but what’s done is done, ya know?

Really though, that program was cool, if I remember right, it had the ability to turn someone else’s computer off remotely. It did all manner of crazy stuff, wish I could remember the name of it so I could find some kind of info on it, for the sake of nostalgia. I lost contact with my friend eventually and that makes me sad. I lost contact with a LOT of people. We lived, laughed, loved, and trolled together😂 the internet was basically unregulated, no bullshit “my fee fees are hurty because this person disagreed with me” censorship, people had their own personal websites (that has made a big comeback with young people in the last five or so years) and people had freedom. I miss the decentralised internet so much. Sure, there was some f’d up stuff out there especially on those shock sites that were really popular at that time (that I checked for new gore pics every day after school 😭) but the f’d up stuff (with exceptions obviously) was worth having all the freedom. What I’m trying to say is that I really miss being a 16 yo bridge troll with nearly zero repercussions. 🥴


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Jun 26 2025 June 26, 2025 June 26, 2025 NoComment by Eden

I’m dumb.

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I should have gone to my doctors appointment this afternoon, but I felt better and canceled. Dumb move. I got nauseous again and had to chug Pepto, which did help. I got a meatball sub on the way home. I didn’t get a large because I’ve learned I can’t eat them and/or they make me sick. I was happy to sit down and eat something I love that I also haven’t had in a long time. I got done and cleaned up and…the nausea hit me like a freaking freight train! It was ridiculously aggressive too. Like…really intense. I’m a mild emetophobe (fear of puking) and was too afraid to run to the bathroom or garbage can, because I was too scared to move. I prayed HARD. I sipped my carbonated drink and finally got the courage to carefully walk to the garbage can. Oddly, I am particularly scared to puke in a toilet. Weird, right? I opened the lid but instead of puking, I burped super loud three times 😂 Thank you God lmao. I’m okay now, but that feeling in my stomach was crazy. I’m going to try to get an appointment tomorrow because I’m starting to believe mom’s theory of H Pilori bacteria. Or however the hell it’s spelled. I don’t know how they would test for it, I have an unpleasant idea, but I kinda really hope it’s not that 😬 It has to be something, because it’s abnormal for me, and I’m a person who is frequently nauseous. That’s how weird this is. I definitely have something going on, and I hope there’s an antibiotic for it, as much as I hate taking antibiotics 😭 The one given for H Pilori is for three friggin weeks!

Look, I’m just hoping I don’t have to poo in a cup, because that’s how I suspect they’d test for a bacterial infection like that. I can’t handle poo. I hate using the bathroom for a reason!! I can barely handle my own bodily functions! Oh, contamination OCD….you bring such fuckin joy to my life 😆

On to something that isn’t nasty!

I was in the dollar store and saw a poster for a new Mountain Dew flavour. Karen had also mentioned it yesterday and of course, I have to try it. The dollar store didn’t have any, despite the ad. For the (zero lol) people who read this who don’t already know about my Mountain Dew fixation, I HAVE to try every single one they come out with. I’m still waiting to find the one they did with Little Caesars, but it wasn’t in their store. So there’s two new flavours I haven’t tried, which drives me bonkers. Ever since the debut of Code Red, I have had a fixation.  I actually own the fanlisting for Code Red: http://silent.am/codered because it’s one of my favourite things ever. In high school, the assholes in charge would close the gate around the drink machines after school, so I would climb over the tall iron gate, jump down, and get my daily Code Red, as well as drinks for the rest of my friends, praying the whole time nobody important walked out the back door 😭 I probably would have gotten in school suspension if I got caught. Honestly, I just miss being able to scale a tall fence as easily as I did 🥴


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May 22 2025 May 22, 2025 May 22, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I think my diabetes might be in remission. I read that an a1c under 6.5 is no longer considered diabetic, and mine is 6.4!  That would be awesome 🤗 Gonna call my doctor to ask about this today. I want to see what she says, because she didn’t mention that when going over the bloodwork results with me.

The section 8 inspector came at 9am, I was in my robe looking haggard and he asked if he woke me up, to which I said “yep!” In a frighteningly cheerful manner 😆 Nice guy, he even fixed my crazy faucet. After that I crawled back into bed because I hadn’t slept at all that night. I tried to just stay up an extra couple hours and listen to creepypastas on YouTube until I had to get up, but got tired and tried to get a quick nap. I was unsuccessful. 😬

I got the results of my lung x-rays, totally normal. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t disappointed. I was definitely hoping it wasn’t lung cancer or something horrific like that, but I want answers! If they can’t find what’s wrong, how can it be treated? I’m really scared I’m going to be stuck with this breathing issue for the rest of my life. I am 100% convinced this is NOT caused by anxiety, I believe it is a physical condition. Upping my depression medication did nothing. Ativan does nothing. Why? Because it isn’t anxiety! They can’t blame every problem on that one thing. 😑

I go out with Karen today, wonder if she’d be willing to go out of town since there’s fuck all to do here. I can’t visit the same thrift stores every week because there’s nothing really different yet. Also, JoAnne is closing! I’m gonna cry. I guess they must have gone bankrupt like Big Lots. Two of my favourite places. Big Lots is actually re-opening their stores because they got bought out by Roses. If you’ve been to a Roses, you know they’re kind of junky, disorganised and have a lot of what could be described as “crap”. I went into the already reopened Big Lots in Hickory a couple weeks ago and they’d basically turned it into a bigger, shittier Roses. They said they would keep the stores like they were before and have the same stuff. That wasn’t the case. The little dvd/blu ray section of our Big Lots was an absolute treasure trove. I never knew what I would find and would often see things I would never expect to see there and get all excited lol. Big Lots was great 😢

Speaking of Roses….about ten years ago, a brilliant prankster from my little town opened a Facebook event page. It claimed that Fred Durst was going to do a concert at our local Roses. It blew up and about half of us were in on the joke, and the other half was so angry and indignant that anyone would believe Fred Durst was gonna do a concert at a fucking Roses. Those of us who knew what was up were pretending to believe it and acting ridiculous, and when someone would say “you’re stupid for believing that” everyone would tell them they were just jealous they can’t get tickets to see Fred Durst because it was sold out 🥴 A friend of a friend who I wasn’t very fond of was in the comments going off on people for being idiots, and they played her like a dang fiddle, I have never seen anything like it. It just kept flying over her head, over and over. Whoooosh!  I was so impressed I made a typical cryptic post stating that I just witnessed some grade A trolling or something like that. 😂 Roses was getting tons of calls about this and I think it was in the newspaper. I’ll never forget that. I mean, if you’re gonna troll, make it a good one. I do love a good non-harmful prank . I wish I remembered the name of the guy who made the event, I’d buy him a sandwich or something.


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May 04 2025 May 4, 2025 May 4, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Breathing is stupid again, so I guess I’ll write something to calm it. 😅

Some piece of human garbage in North Carolina set an opossum on fire. I wasn’t able to watch the news story about it because I didn’t want to be really upset, but I’m really glad a case of animal cruelty made the local news. People need to see that stuff. From the very little I saw, it seemed to have something to do with Animal Control. I kind of assumed an employee might have done it. They also recorded it on their phone. People are sick fucks, I cannot imagine why they feel compelled to do shit like that. My dad knew a boy in his fourth grade class who got sent to a reform school for doing horrible things to animals. He said this kid was a budding serial killer. Sometimes he pops into my head and I hope he’s either dead or in prison. Preferably dead. You know this dude has probably killed a person somewhere along the line,  because I think if someone has impulses like that, it doesn’t magically go away once they reach adulthood. Dad told me what this kid supposedly did a long time ago and I wish he hadn’t. I’ll never get that out of my head. Anytime his name come up, I’m like “nope, don’t want to hear anything about him. Fuck that guy.”

There’s a T-shirt I want from Etsy, but I’m suspicious that the seller is reselling stuff from Temu. I found the same shirt on Temu and also on a few other Etsy sellers shops. How would I go about asking them if they’re reselling or screen printing the shirts themselves? I don’t want to be outwardly insulting even though I think selling a $6 shirt from Temu for almost $30 on Etsy is unethical as hell and a really shitty thing to do. I won’t buy shirts from Temu because everyone complains that even though they’re supposedly 100% cotton, it’s made of a weird polyester stretchy material instead. I also hear that the design doesn’t last long. It’s a really cool shirt but I need to be sure the seller is printing their own stuff or has their own manufacturer or whatever and not reselling. I’m actually not sure if mass reselling from sites like Temu is against Etsy’s rules or not. Everything is supposed to be handmade or vintage, or that’s what I understood it to be.

I have actually been able to get to sleep the last couple of mornings. The leg and foot thing are still bad, but I’ve started getting it under enough control that it doesn’t take me three or four hours to fall asleep. Restless leg was SO bad when I was at the parent’s this afternoon. I kept having to get up to do intense stretches.

Me and dad watched videos on YouTube of stupid people getting arrested. Some of it was funny, but some were just sad. I don’t understand how people get themselves into these situations. Drugs, alcohol or mental illness? A combination thereof? The times I’ve been approached by cops, I was very quiet and said yes sir or no sir. Well, except that time in high school. I was 16 and pissed off 😆 They wanted me to leave my bag in the school yard while they took me inside to accuse me of stuff I didn’t do, and I said  “No.”,  jerked my arm away, walked back across the yard and got my bag. Hey, I wasn’t gonna let anyone steal my shit! That bag had some of my precious things in it. They were coming after me because of how I dressed. 😒 They basically said that. The campus “police” didn’t like me at all 😬 lol. Looking back, I find it kinda funny but oh lordt, it sure pissed me off at the time! There was this one security guy who hated me and my friend with a passion, for no apparent reason. Once again, it was probably because of how we dressed. He’d ride his fat ass around in his little golf cart and yell shit at us from a distance. We were confused at first and didn’t know why he was acting that way, but started taunting him back after a while. We called him “Butterball”. To his face. lol. He was SO mad, the look on his face was great. Wish to god I had a picture 😆 Good memories, haha.

My breathing isn’t screwed up anymore so I’m gonna take a short nap. Not that I particularly want to, but I’m tired.


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Apr 29 2025 April 29, 2025 April 29, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I saw my therapist today and as much as I love her, I couldn’t get my points through. Ahhhh. I don’t think she understands certain things and that “solutions” are not always simple when human emotion is involved. There’s a lot of factors, one being certain mental illnesses. Sometimes people can’t just “let things go” because they’re “in the past”. Sometimes the mind won’t allow that, especially in people with OCD, and other things. Sometimes the hurt won’t go away and it’s something people fixate and laser-focus on. That doesn’t just stop. It’s very complex! Feelings are very complex. It’s not black & white. I still love her to death, even if she doesn’t always understand. You really can’t truly understand someone unless you’re walking in their shoes anyhow.

I went to Belk with mom and I swear to god, plus size women’s clothing is so ugly. It kind of always has been. Years ago when online shopping wasn’t a big thing, I was forced to wear plus sized clothes that I found hideous, but that’s just what I had. I had my kmart goth clothes and my few precious Hot Topic things, but not a lot of it. Kmart was actually pretty awesome, btw. Anyhow, ALL the clothes were kind of ugly, even the smaller sizes. Everything was covered in ruffles. God I hate ruffles. I was helping mom look for pants and a shirt for summer. I might not dress that way myself, but I can definitely tell what looks good, especially on her. I talked her into a pair of short cargo pants and a light blue shirt. Not very descriptive, I know. I don’t think she’s ever worn cargo pants. I used to love them when I was younger. Anyhow, she got me some new sheets and some hand soap. She got two pairs of the pants to try them on, a pair of sneakers and a couple shirts. It was discounted like a LOT and that little tiny pile of stuff was over $400. DISCOUNTED! Without that, it would have been over $600. My mind was blown, that place is so overpriced! I saw a little rabbit thing, it was adorable so I picked it up to look at the price and it barely weighed anything. It was $32. Dayum. My new sheets were $160 but were discounted to $80. I can’t figure out what exactly she got that was so damn expensive. I remember when I was younger and she’d drag me to Belk with her to shop for clothes to wear to furniture market, which is kind of a big deal because you’re rubbing elbows with people like Ana Wintour and super rich people who just give you expensive stuff as free gifts. My mom used to get all kinds of expensive gifts from big magazine editors and would get lavish gift baskets around Christmas from Reps she made connections with. It was important to look good and she would spend upwards of $1500 on new clothing just for that 9 days of furniture market. Every year. Things were better back then, we actually had disposable income so she could afford to do stuff like that. I would sit there really bored and kind of miserable because it’s always hot in there, holding her purse while she tried on an ungodly amount of clothing and I had to to give my honest opinion. She actually picked good stuff for that businesswoman vibe she was going for.

I told her she should wear a short sleeved shirt because I’ll bet her arms get really hot in the summer. She won’t do it because of her “wings”, you know, flabby upper arms. Like who cares, wings are meant to fly! I have em too and all I wear are short sleeves. That’s not something I’m particularly self conscious about. She is, but she shouldn’t be. I keep telling her how people always tell me how pretty my mom is, and how shocked they are when they find out she’s in her mid seventies. Everyone thinks mom is in her 50s. I keep telling her that. She needs to get her self esteem back. So do I.

Both Kellie and Karen are coming tomorrow so it’s gonna be a long, busy day. It just kind of wound up that way somehow. I get to go out twice in one day. I hope Karen would be willing to go out of town. I don’t want to spend four fucking hours in Boreganton. lol

Oscar now thinks he is entitled to drink from the Brita filter every day now. He hops up and sits there, silently demanding me to turn it on. I’m impressed he can still jump as high as he does at his age. He’s a springy boy. I am concerned with how long he drinks though. He stays there for like ten minutes. I just leave him to it. I don’t pay for water anyways. I am worried he could have diabetes with how much he drinks. I have to start saving for that fucking expensive bloodwork. He needs it really bad.

My parents’ neighbours took in a cat with FIV. He is missing an eye as well, so he was named “Wink”. He’s the sweetest cat. They’ve been taking care of him for a couple of years now. They just found out he has diabetes. He has some kind of skin condition on his butt and bites and picks at it and he gets shots for that. He has good veterinary care. However, he does have the FIV, the neighbour said he was not doing well when I was there Sunday. I was upset by this and asked why. That was when she said he has diabetes. I said if it was managed well he should be fine. Somehow, the FIV is kind of something we don’t like to mention. She said he’s maybe got another year left in him and that really upset me. If he’s well cared for, he can live longer! I thought they should keep him indoors permanently, because he’s less likely to catch something that could kill him. I worry about that cat. He’s my favourite cat second to Oscar. Just a really sweet cat that got dealt a bad hand for most of his life, but now he knows what it’s like to be loved by the whole neighbourhood. I dunno, I guess the one year comment really got to me. I think most people wouldn’t want to care for a cat with FIV, and I commend them for that.

Omg my arachnophobia got triggered SO bad today. I was going, once again, to get Chinese takeout. Mom pointed out that there was a BIG hairy black & white spider on the door. I freaked out and backed further away. I had the fight or flight thing happening and I wanted to FLIGHT. Finally the little bastard skittered out of sight to the top of the door. Mom opened the door and told me to come in. I refused because I was convinced it would jump on me from above. I was absolutely freaking out, people were probably wondering wtf was wrong with me. I finally just made a break for it and ran in as fast as I could. I got my food and paid but realised I had to go back out the same door. I said I didn’t know if I could leave 😭 I wound up running out again, finally. I have not freaked out so hard about a damn spider in 20 years. Last time, I had gone into my great aunts old chicken house to look for something in an old chest she had in there. Mom came with. I wound up, somehow, between two spider webs with one big spider on each. To this day, I can’t figure out how I got trapped o_o I crouched down to the floor and bawled. Mom had to take care of the one in front of me, but I was still afraid to move. I don’t remember how I got out.

I fucking hate spiders. Why do they have to look like that??? The worst part is there’s probably at least one in my apartment as I write this. 😣 *shudders* Funny thing is I’m not scared of most tarantulas…weird, right? The ones the size of dinner plates can fuck right off, though. No ma’am.

I was watching a video last night about the raunchiest scenes in R rated comedies. I have always loved that kind of movie. I wound up ordering some I didn’t have off Amazon. I grew up on raunchy 80s toilet humour movies lol. My parents let me watch whatever 😬 They helped my young tween self rent R rated horror movies. I definitely didn’t have helicopter parents and I’m glad about that. I got to watch all the dirty nudity and sex filled slasher movies I wanted. 😆 My mom strongly disapproved of Ren & Stimpy though, but me and dad loved it. That was really the only thing she openly disapproved of. Ren & Stimpy was Teletubbies compared to some of the animated stuff I watched on late night HBO! Those were the days, man. There was a show on HBO I think, that had a block of various adult animations, like Aeon Flux and The Maxx. I miss that stuff so much. I miss being a young kid and discovering cool stuff like that, even if I probably shouldn’t have been watching it. 😅

I watched another video from the same channel about “90s cartoons you forgot were awesome”. I never forgot them. Now I want Gargoyles and Batman: The Animated series on DVD. There were a lot of others I loved. My whole childhood was in that video 😭 I was really hit with the nostalgia last night.

Well, I have made a massive ramble again!  Writing did calm my stupid breathing problem. 👌


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