Tag: dad

It’s Sunday, so I’m going to have dinner with my parents. Dad’s grilling burgers which are probably my favourite thing. Then mom told me he said he wants to use the grill as much as he can until he feels too bad to do it anymore. It’s heartbreaking.❤️‍🩹

I don’t know what to do, I am not dealing with this very well. I’m confused as shit because I don’t know what we’re looking at, or what’s going to happen.

My mom had cancer 22 years ago. I was terrified. One day she came in the door crying and I literally RAN downstairs while saying something like “I don’t want to know, don’t tell me!” Because it was obviously something bad. I thought one of my grandparents had died or something equally awful. I never expected cancer. As I mentioned before, she survived without having any radiation or chemotherapy. It was caught so early that a hysterectomy took care of it. She had a really thorough gynaecologist and I’ll be forever grateful to that guy.

My Pawpaw died in 2007. He had multiple myeloma for about 5 years. He had a fall at his house and went to the hospital. I expected him to come home in a few days. He died there a week later. It was so unexpected until a couple of days prior. He FELL. Didn’t break anything or really have any serious injuries. I didn’t understand why he needed a weeklong stay in the hospital. They put this breathing thing on him. I don’t really know what it actually was. He was breathing on his own. After a couple days with that mask, he stopped responding. His eyes shut permanently and died a couple days later. I still to this day don’t know exactly what killed him, and have had a grudge against the hospital because I always felt like that mask had something to do with it. His breathing became all ragged and “wet” sounding after he was on it. I may be completely off the mark and don’t know shit but whatever. His cod was complications from multiple myeloma, but…I don’t know. I’m scared of those stupid fucking oxygen breathing masks even now. Seeing one makes me so anxious…like I wanna puke.

Several friends have gone through cancer. One of them died.

Last time I checked, one in four people will have cancer at some point in their lifetime. It might be worse now, because those numbers are what I was told in junior high, which was eons ago…the odds of having a stroke are equally terrifying. I’ve had at least three TIAs myself, thankfully nothing huge. These things are too common. I feel like even though there have been so many breakthroughs in the medical field, people in the Western world are consuming things that probably shouldn’t enter the human body. Some of the dyes and other things in our food are straight up banned in other countries. Our junk food is terrible, but so many of us are more or less addicted, myself included. I don’t think it’s a moral failing on us as humans, it’s just what’s been advertised to us our whole lives. Once again, I might be speaking out of my ass. I’m not a scientist, I’m not that knowledgeable. I also think some of it is in-your-face obvious. Doesn’t take a Rocket Surgeon to put two and two together. Something clearly needs to change.

I’m specifically speaking about the US, because I live here but it probably applies elsewhere. Anyways….

I think I’ve written enough bullshit thoughts for now. Oscar is skitzing out, probably because he wants food. It’s 40 minutes too early. Please stop jumping on my goddam face and calm the fuck down. Honestly.

I did go to Roses to see if maaaaybe they restocked the shelving unit I desperately need. Of course they didn’t. Bleh. The similar ones on Amazon are twice as expensive. I’m going to have to take the hit, I guess 😅




Mom failed to inform me yesterday that dad’s doctor is pretty sure it’s an aggressive cancer. That was a nice start to the day. His symptoms developed rapidly and the blood work backs that up. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.




Well.

Dad has cancer. It’s a three inch tumour in the liver. He has a biopsy Wednesday to find out what kind it is. He compartmentalises really well, so he was pretty chill and acted normal when I came to their house for dinner this afternoon. I don’t know what’s going on in his head, though. Mom is a mess but doesn’t show it. I’m just…I don’t know. Trying to process all of this, I guess. I don’t want to lose my dad, man. Who will I have stupid, nonsensical arguments about aliens and other dumb crap with? Who will I sit around and watch body cam videos with? What would happen to mom? How am I supposed to deal with it?? I’m hoping that he doesn’t reject treatment. Mom brought that possibility up. I hope they’ll just cut the tumour out, but I don’t know how cancer treatments work. When mom had cancer in 2003, it was caught really early and the only thing necessary was a hysterectomy. It didn’t have time to metastasise, and she’s been cancer free for 22 years. Well, except for having to remove possible skin cancers all the time, but you know what I mean. Maybe dads hasn’t and it can be cut out and he won’t need any chemo or radiation. Mom didn’t have any. Eh, I don’t even know what the hell I’m on about, I have no useful knowledge about this. ☹️ I guess we’ll see on Wednesday…

Something odd happened with one of my uncles in NY. Dad has three brothers and a sister. One uncle called dad and asked if he had heard from one of their brothers. Dad said he hadn’t. Uncle said he heard that my other uncle had a heart attack or something and he couldn’t get in touch with him or his wife. Dad called AWOL uncle and left a message. He got a reply a few days later and it was a strange story! My uncle had been at his gym and was using one of the things (I don’t know shit about exercise machines.) had a sudden heart attack (the “widowmaker” kind) fell off the machine and cracked his head open. An EMT happened to be working out there, and started compressions until Paramedics came and took him. He was knocked out cold for seven hours. He actually died and they paddled until he came back. Apparently, when he was in the hospital and unconscious, he had horrible nightmares the whole time.

He woke up SWINGING. It took seven men to hold him down. He was fighting everybody! He said he didn’t know if he was dead or alive and woke up in the middle of a bad nightmare. Maybe fighting with something in the dream? I’ve done the same thing myself, woke up kinda violently during a nightmare…

He didn’t have an NDE or anything like that. It was just darkness and nothing. I’m going to ask dad to have him expound on the details of it because I’m curious and like hearing what happens when someone dies and is revived. I am curious about what they did or didn’t experience while being dead. My paternal grandfather had something like two or three super vivid NDEs. He had died a number of times and survived against the odds every time. Freaky deaky!

I just realised how weird it is that this happened almost a MONTH ago, and none of the siblings got in contact and it seems like no one called anyone until my uncle called dad. Also, the uncle that had the heart attack didn’t call anyone to let them know! And if he did, they didn’t pass the news along. I know they aren’t exactly close, but dayum that’s cold! 😳 Dad’s side is weird as fuck. I do miss some of them since they live way up north in NY & Delaware and I haven’t seen them in decades, but they are definitely weird. 😅

I’m going to start a project to try and keep my mind busy. I need to sort my zillions of DVDs and Blu-rays. How I’m going to do this, I’m not sure…alphabetically or by genre? I also need to find another goddam shelving unit, but Roses refuses to restock them!! I like whatever generic brand they use. Sturdy, inexpensive and easy to assemble. And they’re pretty big and fit a lot of my books and movies. Maybe I’ll go there tomorrow and get lucky…




What the fuck is happening?

My dad has been in pain since around 2001 from failed back syndrome, and back and neck surgeries. He had three in total. He’s felt bad for a long time. However, it’s gotten so much worse in the past few months. Since he took that “special” gummy that made him sick for weeks, he just has not fully recovered. I’m not sure if this latest horrible development has anything at all to do with it. I highly doubt it, but still, what a weird sequence of events. He’s been getting low grade fevers every night and is stumbling around. He’s been weak and has fallen multiple times going back to the first surgeries, but this is different. He’s not talking a lot. Mom says dinner is mostly silent. That is not normal in our family. We’ve known that something is seriously wrong for a couple of months now, but shit has taken a real swan dive in the last few weeks. He finally told his doctor what was going on so he ordered bloodwork and an ultrasound.

Dad hates doctors, that’s why he let whatever it is get this far along. Dude, I totally understand. I generally can’t fucking stand doctors because they never believed me, sabotaged a lawsuit I had going on, called me a disgusting name, would not prescribe pain meds after a car accident that left me all messed up, etc. Those were all different doctors! I GET IT. A lot of them are arrogant fuck nuts! It took me 20 freaking years to find one I like! Dad’s been done even dirtier. He had a great doc who was also a good friend who took care of his medication needs, but when he retired, dad was kind of on his own in that respect. His doctor would refill his pain meds. His current doctor would not (pussy.) so he went to a pain clinic. He got them for a while, but due to a fuck up on THEIR END, his assclown doctor said she wouldn’t refill his prescriptions, and was a total bitch about it…you know, for good measure. 🙄 They got his appointments mixed up and decided to punish my dad for it. After that, he kind of gave up and weaned himself off all his pain meds, which in my opinion was dumb as hell, and now he’s in terrible pain, all the time, with zero relief. He bit off his nose to spite his face. The already low opinion of doctors went down even further. It’s in the basement now. Maybe even under the basement. Through the Earth’s crust, even. I requested to go to an appointment with him and explain to his doc exactly why he’s a gaping puss in person, but dad declined to let me do that 😅

I felt the need to explain the extreme disdain for doctors so maybe it would be more understandable. I think it matters a lot in why things got so bad. Personally, if I was feeling as bad as he does, I would go to the ER! I do not understand the mentality of just sitting around feeling like he’s gonna die but not doing anything about it. I don’t understand that part. To sum it up, things have been really bad for a while but he finally caved and got help.

Anyhow, the bad news.

He went for bloodwork and an ultrasound of the liver and pancreas. Today he got a call from his doctors office and was told that his ultrasound and bloodwork results were abnormal, and his doctor wants him there tomorrow to talk to him personally. I do not think that’s a good sign, like at all. We are concerned about cancer. The worst outcome imo is pancreatic cancer. It could be either organ though, or something else. Me and mom were nervously saying “maybe it’s pancreatitis or something that can be treated”. I just have a really bad feeling about what I’m going to hear tomorrow. A really bad feeling. So does mom. I really hope we’re wrong, but it sounds bad. I know he’s not getting any good news about it, but…yeah. Not-as-bad news would be great. *sighs*

otherwise…

I made the required insurance video and the vet clinic emailed me the records again. Now I have to make the claim. I’m nervous. Knowing I have to do three or more of these soon is really stressing me out. Shoot, if I call the vet assistant, something I’ve been too nervous to do and I want mom to be there so she also knows how, to show me how to use the syringes and how to get insulin out of the lantus pen with it, that’ll cost me $40 and yet another claim to make. I don’t know if I can get something pre-approved if I’m expecting a big bill. I don’t just have $400+ lying around, you know? I don’t have it. I do, but that’s ALL the money I have left after bills and rent. I don’t always have even that much left. I have $400 left, tops. I’d be completely broke if I had to pay that, because claims aren’t approved immediately. Right? I’d be waiting to have ANY money for however long that process takes. 😣 Ultimately, I’m just glad Oscar doesn’t seem to have anything else going on except for some pancreatic inflammation which he’ll have an ultrasound for, but the vet didn’t seem to think it’s anything to freak out about, so I won’t freak out. I just want to know what’s causing it and that it’s not something dangerous.

Edit, next day: I didn’t even want to make a new post about this because it’s really depressing, so here you go. Dad has between stage 3 & 4 Cirrhosis of the liver, as well as nodules that may or may not be benign. He’s got to have a biopsy of those nodules and an MRI to determine more about his condition. I don’t know a ton about cirrhosis, so I really don’t know what to make of this whole thing yet. He had Hepatitis C until about 9 years ago after taking interferon. That drug is a miracle. I believe he had some cirrhosis back then due to that, but it reversed? I might be confused about that. I’m dumb, gimme a break. I don’t know how long it takes to progress. Mom said that whatever happens we have to “come together and deal with it”. To be honest, I could barely handle mom’s uterine cancer when I was a relatively normal teenager. What can I do? I need some guidance.

She didn’t say anything about how dad reacted. She seemed fine when picking me up to get dinner, but I know she’s not okay on the inside. Dad probably won’t show a lot of emotion to me, never does.

When he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes around 1997, he said something about killing himself to get me and mom the insurance money. I heard him say that. It’s the kind of mindset he has sometimes, unfortunately.

That’s the story. We’ll find out more in the coming week.




Mom told me to get an “I have rabies” shirt for dads Christmas 😆 It really left an impression I guess lol. My dad is weird (and probably on the spectrum, as I also suspect grandpa was) and obviously passed down the “weird and autistic” gene to me 😭 We’re a lot alike, have a lot of the same tendencies, and like a lot of the same stuff. So of course he’d want one of my weird, off putting shirts. I’m going to order the parents Christmas presents next month, when my money is hopefully freed up by that loan. For the past two Christmases, dad’s gift came after the 25th. My mistake for not ordering soon enough. I’m getting mom shirts this year because she needs some different shit in her wardrobe! She never wears T-shirts anymore because I gave her a “makeover” 20 years ago because I thought she looked dorky, which is something, in hindsight of course, I should have embraced about her. 😕 She stuck to that makeover like superglue, unfortunately. Now I find her a bit stuffy. Maybe if she’ll wear a band tee, it’ll loosen her up a little lol. Is it even possible to be stuffy in a Queen or Beatles shirt?? I’m also trying to help her to be able to show her upper arms. She always wears 3/4 length sleeves in the boiling Carolina summer heat. I know that can’t be comfortable! She’s afraid to be judged because of the “wings” of loose skin as well as crepey skin. Mom, you’re 75. You look like you’re in your 50s!! Good grief, I’m 40 and have arm wings as well as crepey skin in some places. I want her to feel better about herself, and more fearless. I swear to god, every one of my peer supports and others as well have said “Your mom is so pretty!” Then I psych them out by informing them of her age and they don’t believe me 😆 I tell mom how everyone says how pretty she is. I’m not sure she believes me either 😕 I hate that she feels so mediocre about herself because she really is pretty and really does look about 20 years younger than she is. I don’t know, I’m just..trying to help her gain confidence. I want to help. Maybe I’m not helping right. I know how it feels to be insecure and I don’t want her to feel that way. This shit didn’t start until she hit her late 60s. Anyways, it’s up to her if she wears what I get her. I asked if she’d wear a tee and she gave me an annoyingly ambiguous answer. I don’t know whether to get her a female fit or unisex. We definitely aren’t similar when it comes to clothing.

Well, that turned into a big ramble. I write where my mind leads me lol. Which is usually a tangent 😅

So I’m getting dad the rabies shirt as well as a couple band shirts I haven’t decided on yet. I’m trying to find some of the bands he likes that he doesn’t already have a shirt of. The man definitely has more than enough AC/DC shirts. He has Pink Floyd and Lynyrd Skynyrd. He loves ABBA so I was hoping to find a good one on Etsy but they all said “dancing queen”. Dad’s not a dancing queen. 😬 Geez, men like them too, not just women! Make one that just says the name of the band ffs. I’m brainstorming over here. I don’t think I have enough brain to be successful though 😓

I must take a moment to say that iPhone keyboards SUCK especially in conjunction with WordPress. It’s a new level of craptastic. Autocorrect is recommending words and when I tap them, it will either use half the word or merge two words together (?!?) and I have to go back and fix a ton of crap when I post. Yeah. Sometimes I have to say it or I’ll defenestrate my phone. Right out the window lol.

I also wanted an excuse to say “defenestrate”. 😬 More people should punish their enemies by tossing them out of windows, truly.




Saw Dad again on Friday when I went out to dinner with my parents. He was unpleasant as usual. Acted like a jerk. I don’t understand what is wrong with him. I go to their house for dinner today. Wonder how that’ll go…

Listening to: Wardruna – Lyfjaberg


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