I had a spectacular meltdown this afternoon. It was a sight to behold. Triggered by mom, as most of them are. I got overwhelmed REALLY fast and asked her to stop the thing she was doing because I could feel it coming. The rumble zone. After 40 years of having an autistic daughter, you would think she’d know more about meltdowns but she does not. She actually said she knows all about them because she’s SEEN lots of them. I dunno, maybe you could google that shit and learn the potential triggers, and learn what to do and what to absolutely not do during a meltdown. And then maybe have a conversation with both me and my therapist about it and maybe even ask me what usually triggers them. I mean, that’s what I’d do if I was a neurotypical with an autistic kid. I’d want to know all I could to prevent that as much as someone can prevent it, even though that isn’t always possible…meltdowns ARE gonna happen regardless. She thinks meltdowns are hard on HER, imagine how hard they are on me!!! They take everything out of me! I sweat like a mofo! I hurt myself during! Then she had the nerve to make a snarky comment about my hand flapping. How the fuck do you raise an autistic person for 40 years and NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HAND FLAPPING OR STIMMING!?!? She doesn’t know that it helps with emotional regulation and anxiety, not to mention horrible amounts of pent up energy that comes with it. How has she gone this long without knowing this basic shit??? I came down from it and was both relieved and angry. I’m still recovering! I texted her a bunch of sites about what meltdowns are, and a general guide to handling them, as well as what NOT to do when someone is having one. And another on fucking hand flapping in general as a way of stimming and also why someone might do it during a meltdown, because she seems to think it’s something to snark about or make derogatory comments about. That was not fucking cool at all. I get a bit violent during meltdowns and thrash around wildly, punch whatever is in the vicinity and hit myself in the face and legs. That could have been her!!! I was focused on the other direction and myself. I was super violent as a child up until the age of….13 maybe. I beat the shit out of everyone in my path during meltdowns. Of course I was undiagnosed and no one had any idea what a meltdown even was. They just assumed I was a bad kid. They tried to institutionalise me in grade 7 but I put up a hell of a fight. They wound up not going through with it. The meltdowns calmed over the next couple of years. By the time I was 14, I was barely having any. I had a great high-functioning run from 14-19. Early twenties? That shit came back with a vengeance. I wasn’t usually violent towards anyone else but once in a while someone got grazed.

I have been easily overwhelmed lately, don’t know why. I guess I just go through periods of oversensitivity to being overstimulated. I was in the grocery store with mom last week and wound up surrounded by people somehow. I stood there like a statue and said “please help, I am overwhelmed and can’t move.” She didn’t hear me so I just stood there like a lemon. It seems like things are getting a little worse autism-wise. ☹️ I wish to God there was a treatment. Please God, send me a miracle. I wish I wasn’t born with this burden. Because that’s exactly what it is. A burden on my SOUL.

Sorry I’m just angry about all of it…I’m always like this after a meltdown. I get angry and miserable about being born with autism. I can’t help but lament and loathe it. It’s a huge reminder of what’s wrong with me. Sometimes it’s too much to handle. Other people think autistic people are hard to deal with, imagine how some of us feel. We’re the ones who don’t do the autism pride stuff. We don’t tell everyone around us that we’re neurodivergent unless there’s a reason they need to know. We hope people don’t notice. Fat chance 😂 lol

I feel so misunderstood by everyone around me, everyone I’m related to, and people I called friends, and I don’t think even mental health professionals understand sometimes. My therapist sometimes doesn’t get it which I find odd. The people at ACA (the supervisors and stuff) don’t seem like they were trained for the most common problems their clients might have (autism, schizophrenia, mmr/mr, etc) and I just find that weird. I do not feel understood by my parents. Dad doesn’t show a lot of emotion towards me. I get along with him great, but when it comes to autism, ocd, whatever, he’s silent. If I were to cry in front of him, like I did on my birthday, he sat there and acted like nothing was happening. So while we get along great, he is not someone I can talk to about that stuff. I don’t expect him to change so I don’t push the matter. Mom is just…I don’t know lol. She’s got to get in her snarky passive aggressive remarks no matter what and also makes herself the poor put-upon victim after she’s done something wrong. I don’t know how to deal with that! It usually starts an argument. ☹️ Lately we’ve been getting on really well, but today was the exception. She has got to stop pushing me in certain ways because that is an obvious trigger but she never learns this. 🤷‍♀️ I tell her when I’m feeling distressed and can feel one coming, aka the rumble stage, but she pays no mind to anything I say. *sigh* Seriously, fuck autism. Some people, if anyone actually read this blog, would get all offended by that, but I’m an autistic person and that’s how I fucking feel about it. That is MY experience. Go suck an egg lol

I needed to vent that out, my God. I was about to explode.

Also, I think my post from yesterday (or maybe the day before, not sure) disappeared! It’s not there anymore, not in the drafts or anything. Feels like I’m taking crazy pills. 🥴. I forgot to check the trash. Maybe it’s in there.

I prayed hard for God to send me a best friend. Someone I’m meant to meet. Someone who won’t judge, harass, criticise constantly, lie and go back on promises they made, disrespect my privacy, or freaking hit me for absolutely no good reason. That’s something I want the most. A best friend. I don’t think I ever really had one in my life because they inspired that list of nonsense I just made. Total toxicity. Basically abuse. Gaslighting. Acting superior. I’m not going to put up with that ever again because they made me feel like garbage. I want a friend that will uplift me instead of beating me down and making me feel stupid and embarrassed. I want to do the same thing for that hypothetical friend. I pray they pop up at some point in time because I really need that…I need a true friend. I don’t care what they look like or how they dress, male or female, fat or thin, what race they are, what music they listen to, what religion they follow or don’t, whatever. It would be cool if they liked horror movies though haha 😆

Ah well….my breathing was super wacky after I got home and while I was eating….this calmed it down thank God.

Also could someone please punch me in the puss SUPER HARD when I say I’m getting McDonalds? Because that’s what I did today. I need to be pimp slapped every time. Keep that pimp hand strong! Cuz I’m gonna need it!  I don’t want to ruin myself but it’s just the most convenient and there’s not much else. 😐

I just want to say, once again, that this iPhone keyboard  is the devil. Hate it. The autocorrect is absurd.