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I swear to god, there are people walking among us whose birthstone is a crack rock.
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I just fed Oscar some pâté and gave him one unit of insulin from his own lantus pen. He didn’t seem to notice when I stuck him, which is great! Too busy munching to care I guess. I checked to see what one unit looks like and it is barely noticeable, it was a teeny weeny little orb of liquid on the end of the needle. I am left wondering how that little drop could help! Maybe I don’t understand that well since I myself am on 45 units twice a day 😅 Thank God for that freaking insurance because he’s going to have a lot of vet visits. I kind of knew this would happen! *pats self on back* I made a good decision on my own, without anyone suggesting it or telling me how to do anything! I don’t think I’ve really done that before, especially with something like insurance. I know that’s kind of unbelievable, but remember the autism and other cognitive stuff. I never had to make any decisions of that type. No one ever thought I’d be able to live alone either, but here I am, being an adult…sort of 😸 lol
He’s being a lap cat at the moment, probably because he’s happy he got wet food twice today. He’s not getting dry food anymore. I don’t think he likes the “stink cereal” anyways. I don’t know if treats are allowed either, but there were a couple good questions including that, that I forgot to ask. I wanted to know if he would walk normally again once his diabetes gets under control, if that’s what’s causing it anyhow. He’s going back to get his sugar tested next week, so I’ll ask then.
And on an entirely different topic…
I was having a conversation with mom about old horror movies. Mom would go to her grandmas house to watch the block of Hammer Horror movies that were on one of the three existing channels, because they didn’t have a TV set yet. That made me think of one channel I watched that also had a block of time for horror movies once a week. I was trying to find what it was called in the late 2000s/early 2010s. Keep in mind this was circa 1989. It had a particular ad promoting it that I remember pretty well, it was a bathtub full of blood and a hand covered in blood (duh) reaches out of it. It always scared me but I loved it because I was a baby horror hound thanks to dad 😬 I was trying so hard to remember the channel. TBS popped in my head but I don’t know. I tried this one site that was just for that, finding things people remembered from childhood but just couldn’t remember what exactly it was called or whatever. I was not able to find anything. I wonder if that site is still around, since there’s now a subreddit for the exact same thing. I’m not posting on Reddit because it’s a toxic shitshow 😅 ugh. I’m trying to find the image of the bloody bathtub hand. It would be a lot easier if I knew the name of the fucking thing! Idk, this is something that’s been annoying me for a couple decades. Don’t know why! Maybe because it’s something that’s stuck with me for 35-36 freaking years! I was able to find the block of cartoons (and my first anime! Ronin Warriors!) I used to watch circa 1992-ish, the name of it, when it was on, the channel and all that. But I have not been able to find this! I look for these things out of nostalgia. Nostalgia is a strong emotion, as I’m sure you know. It’s also one of the nicest feelings imo. I love being able to put a name on the mysterious things I used to watch that I couldn’t identify before. I still have a few things I haven’t found, namely movies I saw that I only remember little parts of, and would love to watch them again. I know I’ll have a wicked dopamine rush when I finally figure them out! 😸
Yes, I’m stuck in the past which is fine with me, because the present sucks 😂
EDIT: I despise AI art. It’s soulless. I would much rather buy art made by humans, that you can SEE it’s made by an actual person! I was looking at prints on Etsy and people were using AI. I felt so disappointed. I don’t want AI slop on my wall. Sometimes I can live with it, like with my “Screaming Possums” calendar I got on Temu. Of course the pictures were gonna be AI, I expected that. But selling prints of “art” made with AI, SIGNED prints mind you, is just freakin diabolical. Don’t piss up my leg and tell me it’s raining. 🙄
Another thing is…I don’t think I’m a Christian anymore. I’ve felt like this for a couple of days now. I’m simply not made for it, never was. And the old gods were calling me back…
🪄🗡️🏰🌞🪺🍄🐉🐦⬛🐕🦺🐇🐃🧚🏼♀️🧝🏻♀️ (look at me acting like a bored boomer. I was finding related emojis lol)
Rough day
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I’ve definitely had a rough day. I’ve been in crazy pain for three days now. It’s not an intense stabbing pain, but it’s pervasive all over my body. Literally everywhere. It feels like nerve pain with a side of chronic neck pain, something which has also been worse lately. I have been doing really intense stretches and crunching and while it does help for a while, the pain comes back after a few hours. I have taken four Aleve today, 12 hours apart. The “exercises” I’ve been doing are so harsh I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if I broke or tore something. I do think I’ve broken a toe, but that was quite a while back. I’m miserable 😞 It’s affecting my insides as well.
Oscar had a 2.5 hour vet appointment today. I got him an exam, urine thingy and a senior cat blood panel which is really extensive, which is the reason I was there in the first place. I found out from the pee test that he has diabetes, which didn’t surprise me, I fully expected it. His blood sugar was over 400 which scared me. Sometime in 2008, I told dad I felt awful and he suggested checking my sugar. He used his kit and my sugar was well over 300. That’s how I found out. Knowing he was most likely feeling really bad for months made me so sad. I’m feeling guilty for not taking him way earlier, but I didn’t have the money for everything he needed, and that’s one big reason I got him insurance. I knew whatever was wrong was going to be chronic and require lots of vet visits, and I wanted to be certain I could cover the costs of whatever he needed. I reached my $250 deductible today by a LOT (there was a major snafu with the payment….ugh.) so I’ll be filing a claim to get $150 back.
As for the payment snafu, I think it’s time to close my Capital One card. The interest is so freaking high and with my credit, I can definitely get a much better one. I am afraid the hit my credit would take from closing a card. I don’t know why that happens, but it’s fucking idiotic. I hope it doesn’t hurt too much. I might take out a small loan from my bank to pay mom back because she wound up taking most of the hit because of an honest but really dumb mistake I made. She now doesn’t have enough money to make it through the month and I feel terrible. That was my first credit card and there were things I still didn’t understand about them. Turns out all the money I paid into it every month was eaten up by interest. I was looking at the wrong fuckin number, basically. It’s labelled “balance” which I did not really understand. I thought I had roughly $150 on it when I actually had $54! My flabbers were gasted. I am going to be so paranoid about cc’s now…
And lastly, I do feel a lot better about Oscar’s health. I was so afraid they’d tell me I should have him put to sleep. I’m still afraid because I don’t know the results of his blood tests. I was extremely concerned about his weight loss, because it could have been related to cancer, but it was actually diabetes. He weighs 11lb now. Vet wants him at 9lb. I will be giving him his own Lantus pen and giving him one unit in the morning and one unit at night. That’s great because one vial of insulin costs a little over $100. I always have excess Lantus anyways.
That last bit was supposed to be short but whatever lol. Now I gotta take a nap. I’m old and busted.
Wait, I forgot to say I bought Silent Hill f on steam even though I didn’t really have the money 😬 Reading some comments on the tfl.org forums, it looks like I’m in for some shit. I am not good at puzzles. I ALWAYS cheat lol. Someone said you can’t really find anything to help with what sounds like a monster of a puzzle. The puzzles in other SH games were hard as hell, but this sounds like it’s worse. Oh lawd. I’m afraid to start it haha
Ahhhhh
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Omg Lauren took me to a CAT CAFE. I have never been to one, nor did I even know it was there! It’s been there for at least a couple of years, and I have been unaware of its existence. I’ve been missing out. Then again, it’s somewhere in Downtown Lenoir and I rarely go there since Dead People’s Stuff moved somewhere else. This was a side of town I’ve never been to. I should go and explore more.
Anyhow. I got myself a honeydew boba tea, really tasty, exactly like my favourite can boba I buy at the Hmong shop. We drank our boba for a little while until the cat room opened. It opens on the hour every hour, and you get to spend a whole hour with the cats. Sadly the cats just were not particularly interested in me. It could have been my deodorant? I generally get cats all over me when I volunteer to “socialise” them at Friends For Animals, not this time I guess. Lol. They are all adoptable and I seriously thought about snatching up this one little guy (or girl lol idk) named “dryer lint” 😆 He looked like a DUST BUNNY. A literal pile of gray lint. I’m not sure of the breed, but the fur was different from any cat I’ve seen. It was medium length but had a lot of long hairs too. I said it looked like a werewolf if werewolves were made of dust balls. That makes no sense 😂 I guess I should have taken a picture. There was also a black kitten I was eyeing because I have always wanted a black cat. They were both so TINY, Dryer Lint had feet too big for his little body. That’s when kittens and puppies reach peak cuteness, the oversized feet phase. I don’t know why that is so adorable, but it is. Dang…I wonder if either of them will be there next month. I don’t know, I really wanted a golden retriever though. We are allowed two emotional support animals. The weight limit is 20lb but Oscar himself almost crossed that at one time. Other people have dogs that are very obviously heavier than 20lb. I hate trying to make decisions like that!
Do I want to introduce Oscar to another cat? Last time I tried to introduce a kitten (a stray that followed me home…Kommandar Fuzzar was her name…) to my sweet, sweet Mister Hideki, he howled and ran down the basement stairs….shitting the whole way down. 😅 We wound up giving her to a woman whose husband recently passed. I hope she had a great life, even though she was almost certainly given a MUCH lamer name….so that experience gives me pause. I have no clue how Oscar would react to another cat. I know he’d be fine with a dog, he loved dad’s dog Lucy, and I felt bad about separating them when I moved out. It’s been six years and I fear I’ve kept him lonely all this time. I know he’d would benefit from having a buddy to hang out with.
Jeez, I guess I’m hashing this out in a post…started with one opinion and went straight into another. My thought process is so disorganised 😬
I think I’m going to try to get a golden retriever approved when I’m able to find one. I don’t know if they are even allowed to say no to a registered emotional support animal. I think there’s some law about that, even though they have a silly weight limit. Like I said, there are other dogs here that are significantly bigger. 🤷♀️ I wonder if the property manager would help me weasel my way out of the weight thing. I am totally okay with being a sneaky snake. Hehe.
On a different note, my fingernails have once again grown too long to easily use this godforsaken iPhone keyboard. I don’t understand how you people with two inch acrylic talons are able to do literally anything. I also want to know how y’all wipe. I can’t imagine it. I even looked it up on Reddit and didn’t get any concrete answers. I just wanna KNOW. It’s one of those things that’s bothered me since I saw that lady with the world’s longest fingernails on TV. That was the first thing that popped in my mind. Because of course 🥴
Now that I have TMI’d any unfortunate souls that read that last bit….I must go. ✌️
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Why do people like ruining things for me? I don’t have much to look forward to, nor do I really have anything going for me and there are only two people I can talk to without some crap happening, and one I don’t know well enough to trauma dump on. The third is the one that starts the shitsorms.
Anyways, the third ruined the winter holiday season (including Christmas!) for me. It is so freaking upsetting because it’s my favourite time of the year and actually gives me a mood boost. Like I said, I don’t have a lot to look forward to, except that. That’s why I’m affected so strongly. I just wish people didn’t have to be so inflammatory with the shit they say. It gets in my stupid head and won’t GO AWAY. I don’t know how to make it stop! I’m just….so unhappy about so many things. People and their stupid words make it so much worse. When you have so much bad shit going on in your head, it…doesn’t take a whole lot to fuck me up and make whatever it is three times as bad.
I’m hoping this crap fades away with time and the holiday won’t be full of stress and sadness for me. I hope it can be normal and I can be comfy and happy. That’s something I get literally ONCE A YEAR. I used to have summer vacation to be excited about, but we all know I’ll probably never get out of this fucking ARMPIT of a town again.
Sorry, I have been crying some and am so stressed I might puke. Everything hurts.
Oh, speaking of everything hurting….orthopaedic surgeon says my arm socket or the ball has extra bone growing on it (the fuck does that mean) and it’s “hanging low” or something, and my C5 and C6 (I think, memory sucks) vertebrae in my neck are all fucked up and worn down and has bone spurs in the front. Da fuq??? Dude I’m only 40, I should not be having these problems. Yes, I had a car accident in 2003, but could one accident cause all these problems?? I’m about the age of when dad started having issues with his back, and mom started the same shit about 5 years ago. Dad had a rough job (correctional officer) and he did have some physical interactions with inmates when they acted up, and he also caught Hep C from one which was cured many years later with interferon. It still wrecked him pretty good though because he had it for a long time. He’s had two neck surgeries as one back surgery. I am SO scared I could end up like that. It’s basically failed back syndrome or degenerative disc disease. Ugh. Do not want.
Well I have to have yet another MRI and be put under again. I don’t even know what to do, I do not have much hope that physical therapy will help, because they’d be moving and exercising my entire fucking body, and Medicaid will only pay for so many appointments. I feel kind of screwed…..and hopeless.
I feel like I’ve fallen into a void where I don’t care about anything and don’t want to do anything. It’s scary and upsetting. Also, my fucking neck is killing me. 🖕
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Oh shit, Oscar has the runs! Nooooo! I don’t think he’s ever had the shits before. So why all of a sudden? He’s been eating and drinking the same stuff…everything feels “tainted” because I know it was all over his feet, and aside from his litter box rug and a big shit smear in the kitchen, God only knows where he’s tracked it. I feel like I’m surrounded by poo. He’s done it only once since last night. Also he’s walking in such a pitiful manner it broke my freaking heart. It looks so uncomfortable and I know it must be hurting his back. That vet appointment can’t come soon enough! Friday at 2:30pm, hurry up. Please. I am terrified they’re gonna try to convince me to have him put to sleep or something, though. That almost makes me NOT want to go, but I absolutely have to. His insurance will cover it now so I don’t have to worry about that. I still have to send them his medical records, which I guess I’ll do right now…
I have prepared myself for a Diabetes diagnosis. I think that’s what it is. Excessive drinking, excessive urinating…it just sounds like it. Mister Hideki had it, he was also a big boy. Oscar has lost weight, and I question that as well. I do think it’s the beetus, but I’m scared it could also be something bad primarily because of the weight loss. I pray for him every night. Losing him would emotionally obliterate me. I’m getting ahead of myself again. It could be something way less awful! I wish my brain would stfu and stop scaring me
Edit: I sent them his records. I did it on my phone so I got a little confused. I hate messing with the files folder, it annoys me. Vet sent me two files and I looked at the .pdf files and they both looked the same…eh, I sent both. Hope I did it right.
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How does this happen in nature?! Is it possible for an infant to be born with a brain that developed, or is it not and it’s something else entirely? The normal human brain isn’t matured until age 25! Honestly my brain just kind of stalled reading that. 😵💫
Well, I’m gonna sit here and be dumb for a while lol
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23&Me had a biiiig update! I was super excited because I always discover new things about my ancestry composition. Oh my gosh. My results totally changed. They upgraded their algorithm and there’s much less “uncertainty” about the results and it’s identifying populations a lot better. I suspect this overhauling of the inner workings has something to do with the acquisition of the company by someone who was either a co-owner or someone in a high position, at least that’s what I gleaned from an email I got a while back. Anyhow. Doesn’t matter 😆
So my results changed in an interesting way! It even made a chart for me, which isn’t totally complete because there’s a few other very minor populations like Italian/maltese, and sadly it left Irish completely off, but to be fair, I knew I was English and mostly Scottish with some Irish….but I really thought I had more Irish in me than that! I am excited about them improving the algorithm even more, and creating even more detailed results. They send update emails maybe once every year. I do wish I could get Dad to spit in a tube to find out more about him, but he said he doesn’t want the government to have his DNA. Dad…they already have it. Don’t you know that? 😂 They’ve got their sneaky and unscrupulous ways. Have since government was first created in Mesopotamia. They’ve been sneaky snakes for the past 5000 years, my dude. Eh well, mom will probably do it. I just really wanted that damn paternal haplogroup! 😭
I also had Eastern European in my last result, which I thought was super cool. That flat out disappeared! 😢 I love Slavic culture. It’s really interesting, especially their folk stories, pre-Christian religious beliefs, and monsters.
I am 99.8 % Western European, the other .2% is North American, which I assume means indigenous.
Oh frick, I had something else to add but can’t remember. Oh yes..they finally stopped lumping French and German together! That annoyed me greatly. France does not allow its citizens to take DNA tests for personal reasons. I don’t think they allow even paternity tests, which is just..weird. So no one would get results with just “French” in them. Don’t know why they lumped it together with Germany, should have just listed it as “unknown”. I thought I was 75% German this whole time when it’s actually significantly lower. Still a high percentage though. I was very happy to find that my dna results from the UK were so much higher than I read last time, because I absolutely love all the countries that exist in that little island. I’m also a bit of an Anglophile and pay close attention to what goes on across the pond, and at this moment, it is breaking my heart! I’ve been encouraging Brits/Scotts/Welsh/Irish and standing in solidarity with them, but what else can I do? 😢 But that’s a whole other post. I won’t say anything more, this is a happy post. 😬
Anyhow, here’s the little breakdown. I’d recommend that anyone who wants to see where they come from to bite the bullet and buy the $70 kit. You might be very surprised at your results! A lot of times, people think they know their ancestry but they are sorely mistaken. Also, you can learn a ton and study where you come from. Do it!
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I’m going to try getting off SSRIs. I have finally gotten the courage to do some reading about the long term effects, and ho-lee shit. I read other people’s experiences on a subreddit for depression meds. It sounds about the same as what I’m going through. It gives me a little hope that the damage won’t be permanent. Most people said it should clear up after a while and for some, it got worse before it got better. One that I take is sertraline. I am getting an appointment with my psychiatrist asap. I’m going to tell her I want off this destructive shit and that I never want to put it or any other SSRI in my body ever again. I will just refuse it. I’m an apathetic, angry zombie and it has been like this for years. That’s two other lovely side effects of these drugs. Wonderful, huh? I wish I’d never started on this crap. I can’t remember what I was like before I started taking SSRIs…did I even really need them? Having serious doubts about that. I was in Junior High when the Ritalin craze started, so of course half the kids at my school were on Ritalin, because if a kid acts like a kid normally does, they must have ADHD I didn’t need the Ritalin, and neither did 90% of the others. I’m wondering if I’m in a similar situation now. Did I need this? What would I be like if I weaned off just the SSRIs? I obviously need something to keep me slightly even keeled, but I deeply question if I need THAT destructive stuff. I wrote mom a long email about this. She never takes it seriously when I try to explain the memory loss and other cognitive issues. I hope she does now. I’ve been too scared to tell any medical professionals, because I’m afraid of what they might tell me.
lol sorry about the wall of text. Do I even know what paragraphs are?
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I finally got some Calbee Pizza Potato Chips! They’re way too expensive, a small bag costs as much or more than a family size bag of chips! But they’re delicious 🤤 I got 4 bags, I don’t think they’ll last too long lol. Now I need to find some Canadian ketchup chips. They’re even more expensive. I found two decently sized bags for $20 on Amazon, probably the best deal I’ve ever seen on those 😬 Herr’s brand made them for a really short time and I got hooked. It’s very much a Canadian thing and maybe some states that border them. Not fair, man. Not fair.
Finally got Oscar a vet appointment but I have to see if I can make it a bit later in the day so Lauren can take me. It’s heartbreaking to see him walking flat footed and sliding around. It looks so uncomfortable and I hate that he’s probably experiencing pain. I pray they can help him.