I’m not even mad, just amused because at least my continuing misfortune is kinda funny this time. And my mom is, in fact, not going to love it. If she’s buying something and the total rings up to $6.66, she’ll buy something else to not have to pay that amount. This has happened at least twice in recent memory, and one cashier at a Dollar General said other people occasionally do the same thing 😂
Edit: she answered with “oh no!!” 😬
I still can’t qualify for the loan because of how little I make. Closing a credit card as well as two hard pulls on my credit has wrecked my score. It went down 80 god damn points. Closing the card knocked it down 18 points. The hard pulls though…I don’t understand why having your credit checked destroys your fuckin score. How does that even make sense? What is the logic of that? What the fuck, man…
Mom’s going to apply for the loan herself, at her own bank. If she gets it, I’ll just give her the money every month. I am so angry about this. I’m hoping my score will bounce back to what it was in a few months…I hope I hope. I don’t understand why, but my credit score gives me such anxiety. Is that normal? Or am I coocoo bonkers obsessive…😕
My individual support Karen, who I mention here often, got fired for the stupidest fucking thing ever. Her offense was something that warranted a write up or warning. What did she do? She bought one of her clients cigarettes. CIGARETTES! How did the powers that be even find out about this? SOME PIECE OF SHIT NARC’D. Who the fuck else even knew about that and why did they feel the need to tattle like a lil bitch? Absolute cuntiness. Now theres only one individual support left, and that’s my old buddy Denise. The kindest thing they could do is pair us up again. She must be working hard, because she’s gonna get a few of Karen’s people.
Karen did say we could still do stuff and go places even though it’s not her job anymore. She also has promised to “step up” if something ever happens to mom. It is comforting to hear that and I really hope we don’t lose touch again. I’m awful at texting people cuz I never have anything interesting to say 😓
I keep thinking “I need to write about this thing!” but I always forget what the hell it was. I had other things to say, dammit!
I feel sort of productive today! Well, technically yesterday. Lauren showed me how to use the washer and dryer and we realised how smart those things are. I had no idea. Anyways, now I can wash my clothes whenever I want. 👌 We then went to Outback because I really had a hankering for Aussie cheese fries. All in all, a very nice day!
This cat’s breath is a freakin war crime. It’s written in the Geneva conventions…somewhere 😅
It smells SO bad. Anytime he opens his pie hole, it whacks me in the face like a sledgehammer. Definitely the new wet food regimen.
Please send help.
Edit: because.
I woke up today, went to the living room, and….there was an area in my dining room with SHIT smeared on the tiles. Just in one place, looked like it was smeared in a circular way. I got ahold of Oscar and rolled him over. Squeaky clean, no shit. If he had done this, his bottom area would have been covered in poo. So, how the fuck? Is someone sneaking in whilst I’m sleeping and smearing crap on my floor? It was nowhere else in the apartment. The area around it was clean as a whistle. I’m baffled and kinda disturbed 😳
I didn’t get the loan. The lady who put everything together and sent it to be approved was told I would have had to qualify on my own first, which I do not understand. Mom was gonna co sign and help me out! Anyhoo I’ve been sent to the fellow next to the bank who does loans. I don’t know when I’m going to do that, soon I hope. I really need this. I need to pay off the very small amount of debt I have. It might not seem like much to most people but it’s a real burden on me. I realise that some people wind up with $10,000 (or a lot more!) of debt, and that must be absolute hell to deal with and pay off, but they probably make a lot more money than I do. The monthly payments are making things difficult, and I’m honestly not doing much to help myself. I’m horrible with money, I don’t even know what a budget is (I do but suck at it. I’m not that dumb 😓), and I am the WORST impulse buyer I have ever met! I’m always buying things. Always. Etsy and Amazon are a blessing and a curse 😭 I admit that I do have a problem. I absolutely have an addiction to buying shit. I know it, no one has to tell or lecture me. I am aware.
Really though….WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING A CO SIGNER THEN???? What is the purpose if not to help someone get the loan? Someone please explain! This bullshit confuses me!
Mom told me to get an “I have rabies” shirt for dads Christmas 😆 It really left an impression I guess lol. My dad is weird (and probably on the spectrum, as I also suspect grandpa was) and obviously passed down the “weird and autistic” gene to me 😭 We’re a lot alike, have a lot of the same tendencies, and like a lot of the same stuff. So of course he’d want one of my weird, off putting shirts. I’m going to order the parents Christmas presents next month, when my money is hopefully freed up by that loan. For the past two Christmases, dad’s gift came after the 25th. My mistake for not ordering soon enough. I’m getting mom shirts this year because she needs some different shit in her wardrobe! She never wears T-shirts anymore because I gave her a “makeover” 20 years ago because I thought she looked dorky, which is something, in hindsight of course, I should have embraced about her. 😕 She stuck to that makeover like superglue, unfortunately. Now I find her a bit stuffy. Maybe if she’ll wear a band tee, it’ll loosen her up a little lol. Is it even possible to be stuffy in a Queen or Beatles shirt?? I’m also trying to help her to be able to show her upper arms. She always wears 3/4 length sleeves in the boiling Carolina summer heat. I know that can’t be comfortable! She’s afraid to be judged because of the “wings” of loose skin as well as crepey skin. Mom, you’re 75. You look like you’re in your 50s!! Good grief, I’m 40 and have arm wings as well as crepey skin in some places. I want her to feel better about herself, and more fearless. I swear to god, every one of my peer supports and others as well have said “Your mom is so pretty!” Then I psych them out by informing them of her age and they don’t believe me 😆 I tell mom how everyone says how pretty she is. I’m not sure she believes me either 😕 I hate that she feels so mediocre about herself because she really is pretty and really does look about 20 years younger than she is. I don’t know, I’m just..trying to help her gain confidence. I want to help. Maybe I’m not helping right. I know how it feels to be insecure and I don’t want her to feel that way. This shit didn’t start until she hit her late 60s. Anyways, it’s up to her if she wears what I get her. I asked if she’d wear a tee and she gave me an annoyingly ambiguous answer. I don’t know whether to get her a female fit or unisex. We definitely aren’t similar when it comes to clothing.
Well, that turned into a big ramble. I write where my mind leads me lol. Which is usually a tangent 😅
So I’m getting dad the rabies shirt as well as a couple band shirts I haven’t decided on yet. I’m trying to find some of the bands he likes that he doesn’t already have a shirt of. The man definitely has more than enough AC/DC shirts. He has Pink Floyd and Lynyrd Skynyrd. He loves ABBA so I was hoping to find a good one on Etsy but they all said “dancing queen”. Dad’s not a dancing queen. 😬 Geez, men like them too, not just women! Make one that just says the name of the band ffs. I’m brainstorming over here. I don’t think I have enough brain to be successful though 😓
I must take a moment to say that iPhone keyboards SUCK especially in conjunction with WordPress. It’s a new level of craptastic. Autocorrect is recommending words and when I tap them, it will either use half the word or merge two words together (?!?) and I have to go back and fix a ton of crap when I post. Yeah. Sometimes I have to say it or I’ll defenestrate my phone. Right out the window lol.
I also wanted an excuse to say “defenestrate”. 😬 More people should punish their enemies by tossing them out of windows, truly.
I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon and told her I wanted to wean off SSRIs and benzos. I talked about the cognitive issues and said I was tired of feeling like I’m halfway through Alzheimer’s. I also mentioned that Reddit thread where I read about other people’s experiences with sertraline. She had a rather unpleasant reaction when she heard “Reddit”. To be honest, she was kinda pissy today. I don’t see what’s wrong with seeking information on Reddit. Reddit itself isn’t telling me shit. It’s a conversation with other people who are going through similar things and I have no idea why that’s a bad thing! When people are going through some shit, they might be scared. That means they’ll probably run straight to Google to find info. There are some places you shouldn’t go to look for answers, but a thread, a conversation, actually talking to another person….that can tell you a lot as well as making you feel less alone. Knowing that other people are in the same boat is comforting. Kind of bad to say that, but it’s true. No one wants to think they’re the only one. Anyway, she was happy that I wanted off the benzos (Ativan) but really critical about the Sertraline. It’s very hard to get off it and it has to be replaced with something. If not, I’d wind up in the psychiatric floor of the hospital again. Then again, whatever the replacement is might not work. I was told that stopping Sertraline can mess you up pretty bad. I am torn. Don’t know what to do. Do I have it in me to even TRY to attempt this? 😕 Maybe get off the Ativan first and see if that helps?
Oscar had his follow up at the vet this afternoon, and things are looking great, except that his sugar and whatnot is still too high. I was told to increase his insulin to two units. She said I needed to watch him for signs of hypoglycaemia. That worried me because I’m kind of an airhead and stuff happens in front of me and I might not even see or notice it! I am NOT in tune with my surroundings 😅 I’ll watch him as best I can. I also was told I’d need to start checking his sugar. I have to get the kit especially for cats off Amazon. I was wondering how I could possibly get blood from him considering he’s a furry bastard, but turns out you have to prick the base of the ear in front since it’s hairless. He’s gonna hate this and I guarantee he’s going to fight me, hard. 😑 I couldn’t even keep up with checking my own sugar lol. God I hope he’s able to go into remission at some point. PLEASE.
Oooo I wore my “I have rabies” shirt and people were very amused with it. I said it was only polite to let people know 😂 Dad loved it and I think maybe I should get him one for Christmas along with his band shirts.
I went to my bank to apply for a loan! My chances are good if mom co signs. My income is low and the loan I’m applying for is about $1600 plus a few bucks and she said the ratio is off. My monthly payment would be just over $100! That’s…I wasn’t expecting such a low payment! I was thinking it would be at least $250-300. Mom has to send some info to my bank so she will be able to sign on with me. I’m friggin excited! If I’m approved this will help me SO MUCH. Judging by what the lady explained, I’ll get it either way. Sometimes if someone isn’t approved, they’ll send them to a guy next door who does loans. I’ll admit I don’t understand all of this, but as far as I know, I only need to make my monthly payments without there being a problem. 😊
Super duper excited. This will free up so much money! I was paying $360+ every month to pay off my Affirm and Klarna debts. I really let that get out of hand. 😅 Also there’s the $200 I owe mom. I left off the $200 to pay the remaining balance on my stupid credit card because I thought it might be too much, and I was right. I’ll just be annoyed for six months, throwing $25 into the abyss 😭
I’ve gotten a couple emails from the vet clinic. Oscar is doing fantastic!! He’s responding drastically to the insulin, a lot of his energy and desire to cuddle, as well as annoying the ever loving shit outta me while I’m trying to get to sleep has come back. He’s also jumping up on things a lot more, particularly my bed which he was rarely doing before. His drinking and urination have sharply decreased. He’s getting his wet food and shot every 12 hours. He’s not really begging in between which I am SO thankful for, because he never shut up before! I think he’s just really excited to get wet food twice every day, and he didn’t like the “stink cereal” to begin with. Only problem is he’s still walking flat footed but the vet said that could improve when we get his diabetes controlled, especially if he’s able to go into remission. Other thing is that he has inflammation in his pancreas which he will need an ultrasound to be able to see what’s going on with that. Some things are still elevated (like sugar and whatever) but she said that’s normal for diabetic cats. Overall, he’s doing wonderfully and I’m so relieved. It took a burden of worry off my back. The very expensive senior blood panel tests were 100% worth the hassle!! I started to make a claim on the lemonade insurance app but it requires a little work and some annoying things I have to do, like make a video of me explaining the problem. I don’t do great on camera. Also I’ve had more trouble speaking properly lately. I think I might have write it and read it for the video. I’m not sure exactly which documents I need to send, I guess I’ll contact customer service about that. They were very helpful in getting his documents added to my account.
So far, I’m very happy with the service….except the video thing 😅 I don’t wanna. But I will. The camera on my phone makes me look exceptionally fat, AND ugly! I know because I sometimes have zoom (bleh!!) meetings with my psychiatrist and I keep looking at the little window with me in it and cringing 😬 There is literally no way to position my phone to make myself look any better. I used to turn off my camera so I was a black box but after a while she made me turn it on 😭 I actually have an appointment with her Friday, but in person. It’s important because I’m going to discuss getting off SSRIs and Benzos. I’m terrified of what could happen if I do that but I can’t keep going the way I am. It’s essentially medication induced dementia. At least I hope it’s the medication 😕 I can’t do it anymore, I get more and more scared every day. It’s got to be the SSRIs and benzos. Benzos can actually cause some kind of brain injury or the equivalent of. They both have these nasty memory loss side effects. I went to Reddit (Google almost always includes a relevant Reddit thread) and read the SSRI thread and people were saying it’s like their brain just stopped functioning. I was relieved to see so many other people are experiencing the same symptoms. I read a paper on Benzos, which was…enlightening. I wtf’d all the way through it. It was actually a medical professional’s presentation on his/hers experience with Benzos. I was left wondering how this shit is even legal! The cure sometimes really is MUCH worse than the disease. Weed is still illegal in a lot of places but this crap is PRESCRIBED to people. I’m left mind blown after learning this stuff. I wondered why so many people say “I wonder what SSRIs they were on” when someone shoots up a place or whatever. Now I’m wondering if there really is a correlation. 😕 I now understand that there’s such a thing as “SSRI rage” and I have a BIG problem with that. Again, it makes me wonder. The anger has negatively impacted some of my relationships, particularly with my mom. I had an anger (and violence) problem when I was 9-13. I got over it. Then I started the Sertraline a good while back (mid 2010s? Can’t remember) and I RAGED like never before. I did not make the connection, just questioned what the FUCK was wrong with me. It has not let up since, and I am always extremely upset and guilty about it, but I cannot stop it. It’s like being possessed by a rage demon. I can’t stop the word vomit. It comes out no matter that my mind is screaming for my mouth to close. Horrible for me and whoever pissed me off. I just want to be normal and I hope getting off these fucking poisonous meds will help. I want to be as mentally well as possible for someone with my problems!
Anyways, I wrote entirely too much about that. No one cares about your meds, Serina.
I had to cancel my day with Lauren because I felt SO bad when I woke up. To be fair, I felt just as bad when I was struggling to sleep. My arms and legs felt heavy, like they were lead. I had to take a shower but I knew I couldn’t manage that in the state I was in. I feel ultra crappy about not going out with her because I wasted three hours of her time. I’ll admit I wasn’t upset about not having to refill my pillbox today 😅 I always have bad neck pain and sweat terribly when I have to. She was also going to show me how to use the washer and dryer today. I was kind of looking forward to learn so I could wash my damn clothes whenever I want.
I hate hate hate to say this, because it’s troublesome (and never happens!) but I think I like Lauren. “Like” with a capital L, I mean. She’s a bit of a butch lesbian, which is what I like in general when it comes to women, with a few exceptions. I have no desire to do adult stuff with anyone but I’m certainly not asexual, I’m just grossed out by it I guess. Makes it hard to find someone. I’m pretty sure she’s not “grossed out” lol. I also think she has a girlfriend. Oh well. Reckon I’ll just have to deal with it 😂 I don’t have anyone in my life to tell. I think most of them might suspect I’m a bit dyke-y because of how I look, dress, and how un-feminine I am. I’ve never outright said it or officially come out of the closet. I did admit to being bisexual to mom when I was 16. Somehow I don’t think that counts since I now am strictly into women. I have hinted but I don’t think she really gets it. I have to get it off my chest or I’ll go coo-coo bonkers, and nobody wants that. 😝
Aside from all that, I need to open my laptop, despite my lack of energy, and make that fanlisting I was approved for. It’s for Stonehenge, which I wanted for a long time. I have always been fascinated by the ancient megaliths, stone circles and dolmen found in Europe. Stonehenge in particular. I learnt about druids and Stonehenge when I was really young (don’t know where I heard about it either!) and surprised a few of my teachers in grade school knowing about that and various nature things. Anyhoo, the owner let her fanlisting close for whatever reason and I pounced on it. I’m a little afraid to contact her and ask for her member list .sql file. She’s quite…stony? I don’t know a proper word. Icy? Impersonal? Curt, perhaps? I don’t know, but she makes me nervous 😅 And yes, I’ve talked to her in the past. Some people just come off as scary like they might type aggressively at me 😆
Good night, internet. I’m a little sleepy.
I closed my capital one card, my first and only (so far) credit card. I am scared of how this will affect my credit score. I just couldn’t deal with the never ending cycle of trying to pay it off and never being able to just DO it because I don’t have enough to cover the whole balance every month when all it does is pay one bill and accrue more fucking interest. Now I have to pay $25 into it for six more fucking months to pay it off once and for all. I’m going to get another one after asking more questions so I get the least crappy one I can. I do question if I actually need one. Would not having a cc affect my score negatively? If not, I don’t know if I want to get another one. I need to talk to someone who knows about this. I might ask the people at Telco (my bank) when I go to apply for my first loan ever Tuesday. I’m applying for $1624. I might add $100 to that to help me this month. I want to pay off all the Klarna and Affirm payments, and the $200 I owe mom for the vet payment snafu. I’m hoping consolidating my debts will give me a significantly lower monthly payment than I’m having to pay now. I’m just hoping my credit will show that I am trustworthy and will pay it off diligently. There are many things I don’t understand and I may be wrong in what I’m saying about pretty much everything I’ve said in this post lol. I’m gonna get clarification when I go and apply.
Oscar is already doing better after only three shots. He’s urinating less and it doesn’t smell as gnarly. I hope he’s feeling better since this started. I worry about him, like a lot. Cats and dogs are just kids that live on the floor 😁
I have an appointment with the gastroenterologist tomorrow morning. Since they couldn’t complete the procedure last time, I have to start over completely. I hope I don’t have to wait months like the first time, not being able to properly swallow half the time is a real pain in the ass!! It’s also uncomfortable and makes it difficult to concentrate on stuff or get to sleep. It’s pretty disruptive and has plagued me for years, but it finally got so bad that I’d had enough. I was told about how it could be stretched out to solve the problem, even if it has to be done again every year or two. I really wish I’d known that before I suffered for so long 😅