Category: thoughts

Mar 01 2025 March 1, 2025 March 1, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in ,

Me and mom had a BAD fight today. Words were said. Bad ones. So I had a shitty day. Now I’m hunkered down in my chair, bored as hell. I don’t know what to do, really. 

I’m back to taking long naps in the afternoons and sometimes later at night. I’m not happy. I see my psychiatrist next week. I will ask her to do something about it.

Oscar has his vet appointment also next week and as I said before, I dread it. I hope he’s okay. I plan on putting him back on Hills Science Diet and wet food every couple of days because that’s what I can afford. I went all this time without knowing much about cat health and that’s my fault. I just did what I always did with my past cats. I didn’t know about ckd or anything like that. I really should have studied it more before he became a senior cat. Now he’s 10 and I feel like I could have done a lot more for his health. I’m getting ahead of myself again because I don’t know if anything is actually wrong with him. I always imagine the worst case scenario.

I think I’m going to try Chime mobile banking. Telco’s app has turned to shite and I can’t depend on it anymore. I’m going to test chime out and see if it’s any better before doing anything rash.

Edit: god damnit! A bunch of my anime fanlistings are on troubles at TAFL!!! I sent ALL the moved or closed forms in a long time ago, I even wrote about it here. I only received an email about one of them from the staff even though a whole bunch are on troubles. I honestly think something is going on with their email, and I do not want to be punished for some glitch, or for someone not checking that email. I do not need that strike on my record. I’m going to email the staff, hopefully it goes through. 😑

Edit 2: okay I emailed all the senior staff. I asked if someone could look into the matter.

As if my day wasn’t shitty enough, now I have that to stress over…


Tags:

Feb 24 2025 February 24, 2025 February 24, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in ,

I’m trying out Spotify for the first time today, I used it in the car. I like it so far. There’s a ton of really diverse playlists that others have made. I think I used it on my tv once before on my ps4. The only thing I don’t like is, probably like most people, the ads. I’m not paying $11 a month for premium. Kind of ridiculous.

I like watching police body cam videos because they can either be entertaining or scary. I saw one the other night of this raging drunk girl who I think also took something else, because she was both really happy AND belligerent somehow. She told the officer “You have a moustache! I don’t trust you!” And he said “I know it’s not a very good moustache, sorry.” And I thought that was hilarious for some reason. To counter that funny one, I saw another one with dad in which the cops were doing a welfare check on a woman who was scared of her husband because she had filed for divorce, and the house was just full of corpses. 8 of them. Of course they were blurred out. The guy had killed his whole family. It was extremely disturbing. People are so fucked up it’s crazy. Why’d he have to kill his kids? They were completely innocent in the situation.

I’m starting to worry about Bobbie. She hasn’t answered my text from yesterday. I keep thinking she’s been fired or something. I hope not. 🙁 I would really miss her. Hope she answers.

Oscar finally has a vet appointment and I do dread it because I’m scared the vet will tell me he has diabetes or ckd or both. That would destroy me. I love him like my own kid. He’s my best bud. I just want him to be okay. I should have kept him on Hills Science Diet even though it is a little bit expensive. I’m going to put him back on it regardless. I’m gonna cry when he begs for treats though. Maybe I’ll sneak him one once in a while…

My stupid banking app is no longer subtracting the pending transactions from my available funds. That’s why my money got fucked up this month. I’m going to the bank tomorrow to ask why this is and what kind of ridiculous update they did to make this happen. If they don’t fix it, I might change banks, maybe online banking this time. Pain in the ass!

Edit: I looked up the Greymatter blogging software on a whim and someone has updated it on GitHub! It is also possible to import WordPress posts. I’m seriously considering switching over. I appreciate its simplicity and customisability. I could make my own layouts like I used to. We shall see!


Tags:

Feb 16 2025 February 16, 2025 February 16, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in ,

I’m so bad at communicating with other humans and everyone seems to either be mad at me about something and/or thinks I’m a dumbass. Maybe I should quit. Just…quit. I’m tired of it and emotionally exhausted. I never liked most people anyways, so why do I try? Maybe it’s just being human…trying to connect. But I think I have no signal to make that connection 😞 like crappy WiFi or something.

You know what…to hell with it. Fuck people. I’ll stick with talking to animals thankyouverymuch.


Tags:

Feb 15 2025 February 15, 2025 February 15, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in ,

I finally felt like trying on my clothes from KILLSTAR and they’re lovely! The pants sort of remind me of bondage pants and they’re made of an odd stretchy polyester sort of material which isn’t my favourite, but it doesn’t bother me much. Thankfully they are high waisted enough. The duster is beautiful. It’s got crushed velvet bits and beautiful bell sleeves. I felt magical when I put it on. It does touch the floor quite a bit, I suppose I’ll wear platforms with it. I don’t want to get it hemmed, that’d just ruin it. I need to take a better look at it tomorrow, the lighting in there absolutely sucks at night.

I went out with Karen today (well technically yesterday) and she tried talking politics again. I said “Let’s not talk politics.” She said one more sentence of it then stopped, thankfully. This is why I never impose my beliefs on anyone else. It’s draining.

Me and the parents ate at Pizza Hut. It was unusually full in there. There’s hardly ever more than a few people there when we go. I could tell the waitress was struggling. I got my pepperoni lovers melts and all was good in the world.


Tags:

Feb 13 2025 February 13, 2025 February 24, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in ,

I napped for four fucking hours tonight, from around 8pm to 12:30am. I think I need a bigger dose of Vivance.

I made an image to use in the layout of Endymion.nu and I just don’t know how to implement it. I really suck at this. I’m not as creative as some people I guess.

Im paying a friend to make buttons for the site because I’m lazy and yeah 😅

I moved windsprite.nu to leprd.space’s hosting today. It was actually a pain in the ass. I forgot there was a WordPress installation in there and when I realised it, I deleted the folder and it took the longest time while I needed to do other things but couldn’t because ftp was busy deleting. I also deleted the contents of windsprite off the previous hosts server and the stupid wp installation took equally as fucking long to delete. I had two going at once. It was hard to get rid of. I had no idea WordPress had that many freaking files!! Of course that was with themes and plugins, but still. I miss Greymatter. Anyone out there remember that? It was so simple and an easy to customise blogging platform that you could easily install on your own site. I would make my own layouts for my blog and have it up and running in a snap. Of course that was back in 2003-5. It’s wayyyy too outdated now. I doubt it’s been supported by its creator in at least 15 years. It’s a shame, I’d love to have been able to use it again due to its simplicity. I don’t believe it required even a database, but I could be wrong.

I had my doctors appointment today and I’m down two pounds and my a1c has gone down. So that’s something.


Tags:

Feb 12 2025 February 12, 2025 February 12, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in ,

I was stressed today, so mom took me to the BBQ place and we ate river chips 😀 That usually makes me feel better. Had to take an extra Ativan anyways! I was hot and shaky and my pulse was racing. Don’t know what that was about.

I got my package from KILLSTAR today, I remember one thing that’s in it but forgot the other! Brilliant! I have yet to open it and try stuff on. I didn’t feel like it I guess. I’m really afraid the pants won’t be high waisted enough. That’s the only kind of pants I’ll wear because I’ll be DAMNED if my fat hangs over the top of my pants. Absolutely not. Gotta tuck it in. That’s also why I invested in a (shitty, I need a different one) belt.

I also got the last Temu package I ordered at the beginning of the month. I got two belts in that one as well as the “memento mori” sticker I’ve been waiting for. It’s going on my new phone case, which seems to have disappeared. Damnit. Still waiting for that replacement pop socket too. It hasn’t shipped or anything. I understand that it’s handmade but it feels like I ordered it a while ago.

http://endymion.nu is up and running! As you can see, it’s pretty ugly at the moment and has no layout. I did too much tonight and didn’t feel like making one. I uploaded all the fanlistings, installed enthusiast (all by myself!! Yay), added them all into enth, edited the config files for each one to reflect the changes and sent in thirty six moved forms. So yeah, was kind of burnt out after that. I’m going to attempt a decent one myself, but if that doesn’t go well I’m considering asking a friend if I could commission one from her. I don’t know if she takes commissions or not. One of her recent BSSM fl layouts enamoured me for some reason. Very simple and elegant. That’s what I’m going for. I wish my coding was better. I’ve been making websites for 25 years and never really learned how to code WELL. By that, I mean it’s messy and I never use headers, footers or most importantly, stylesheets. All because I’m lazy and just slap it in there. Also, stylesheets tend to confuse me just a little bit. I understand perfectly how they work, I’m just not good at making them.

I think my host is definitely mad at me; she hasn’t answered any of my emails. That really upsets me. I understand that I can be annoying but….damn. I still have to move windsprite to leprd.space. That’s where I have most of my sites hosted. It’s kind of funny, I almost never have to bother that host. Probably because I have almost complete control over my own stuff via cPanel.

Listening to: This Ascension – Mysterium


Tags:

Feb 11 2025 February 11, 2025 February 11, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in ,

Being simultaneously bored and nervous sucks. I kind of ran out of things to watch. It’s 3am and I’m already itching to get out of here. I hate feeling like this, I want to enjoy being in the place I call home, but I can’t. I don’t know if it’s mental or what, but every time I walk in here from being out, I feel nauseous and anxious. I can’t explain that. It makes zero sense.

Endymion.nu is finally active but I guess the dns hasn’t resolved yet. I want to get in there and fix stuff up and attempt to install enth myself. I always mess it up though. Might have to ask for help…again. 😑 I don’t want to bother the person who usually helps me with that stuff though. So I’ll give it a go. God I hate installing those things!

I really need to talk to my therapist. I don’t remember when my next appointment is. I don’t even want to think where my mind would be at if I hadn’t changed my medications back and started the Vivance. That would be bad. Very bad. I’d OD on Ativan, probably.


Tags:

Feb 10 2025 February 10, 2025 February 10, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in ,

I apparently broke a big rule at TFL. They sent me an email and I fixed the problem quickly. The rule is not to use a JavaScript auto update thing, which I wasn’t. I had used a php script that allowed me to change the update dates on all my fls at once, but I did it by hand so I didn’t think it was breaking any rules. I’m praying they don’t post it on the front updates page and humiliate me, because fanlistings are one of my favourite hobbies and I would have to quit. I had to take an extra ativan. I am so nervous over everything. That, and I have an apartment inspection tomorrow. I also have a doctors appointment Wednesday as a follow up to my bloodwork, and I don’t know what she’s going to say. It’s all too much.

I got my California Deathrock photo book and it’s really pretty. I also got my mesh shirt from hot topic. I’m gonna try it out with a black tank top. I don’t think I’ll feel too exposed but we’ll see…

I bought Endymion.nu and have uploaded all my animanga related fanlistings to it, as well as a copy of enth. I have to wait for the stupid domain to become active, it’s still pending at stablehost. They do that to check for fraud. I need to get this done asap. I sent tafl a downtime form so I shouldn’t get in any trouble for that. But who knows, all I ever seem to do anymore is get in trouble in some way. *sigh*

Edit: just emailed my host (one of the senior staff that emailed me about my fuckup *groans*) and let her know that it would be best if I hosted windsprite.nu on my own because I bother her too much about it, but that I want to keep my Serena.anime.nu subdomain and make it something nostalgic and enjoyable.

I just feel like one big shitshow right now and genuinely pray no one’s really mad at me. I can’t deal with people being mad at me, it makes me a nervous wreck. I always feel like a burden who annoys everyone and I can’t seem to do anything right. Another thing I find annoying about myself is that I’m constantly apologising about literally everything I do. It annoys me and I don’t know why I always do that, I guess I just feel like I shouldn’t even be talking to that person because I’m probably annoying them in some fashion. Reading back on some of the emails I’ve sent is embarrassing. I’m sorry for this im sorry for that, sorry to bother. I’ve got to stop that but my self esteem is in the toilet and I don’t know how to fix it. I need to talk to my therapist about this.

Oh, and she basically confirmed body dysmorphia last time I was there…so I can stop thinking I’m crazy about that. What’s wrong with me has a name, and for that I’m glad. I’m not just some vain nut job. Other people have the same problem. I’m not totally alone.


Tags:

Feb 09 2025 February 9, 2025 February 10, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in ,

One of my old redirected fanlisting domains went down and I need to hurry up and get the new one for the animanga stuff before I start getting on troubles lists, especially on tafl. Why do I stress over this, it’s just fanlistings. I don’t want to lose any, I guess.

I’ve been feeling a little better since my last medication change. I still don’t feel that Vivance keeps me awake as long as provigil. I will take that up with my psychiatrist when I next see her. Unlike most people, I do not like naps. Especially at the times I tend to need them.

Apartment inspection is Tuesday. My place is messy but I’m getting there.


Feb 07 2025 February 7, 2025 February 7, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Posted in ,

Since I can’t seem to install NinjaLinks on gothic.nu, I’m testing a WP plugin on this blog before I go ahead and install WP there. It’s…confusing. I wish NinjaLinks would just fucking work! It’s supposed to be an updated version 😑 I hate php scripts, they always give me grief. Always have to have a friend install them for me because I undoubtedly will miss some silly detail and it will fail. Bleh. I wish things were more straightforward and user friendly for us dummies.

Domains. I’m now trying to choose between Endymion.nu and usagi.nu. I decided I didn’t want to pay for another .am domain. I might still get crystaltokyo.org and do something with it as I mentioned before. Usagi.nu is almost too good to pass up. I don’t know yet.

And geisha.nu? I….I’m not sure I like the name anymore. Someone just slap me, please. I’m insane. I dread to ask my host to change it back to windsprite 😅 I’ve asked her to do so much shit and she’s so nice about it and I really do not want to annoy her! I feel like a burden sometimes 🙁 Windsprite has been established since 2022 I think. People know it. My personal contact form is there. Why do I need to change things so often? It’s like a weird impulse.

Went out with Bobbie at 10 and had a good time but got horribly overstimulated somehow. I had to take half an Ativan lol. I finally got up the courage to go to Eccentric Lion (tattoo and piercing place) and ask about their pricing, but there was no one there even though the open sign was flashing. Odd. I was actually kind of relieved because I like the place in hickory better. I know for a fact it’s sanitary and there’s no pretentiousness that I picked up on when I was there. I felt comfortable. I’m going there next week to ask some questions.

Edit: I sent my host the email and cringed all the way through it. I figured I’d just go ahead and rip the bandaid off. Oh it makes me so nervous!! I hope she’s not going to be mad at me.

Better take the other half of that Ativan…


Tags: