Coming up the stairs to my apartment just now smelled like the laundry detergent isle at Ingles. Not complaining at all because it was actually pleasant, but I found it odd. Usually smells like manure out there 😅

Tomorrow is the meeting at A Caring Alternative (where I get my mh services) to talk about what happens to me after mom is gone. *shudders* I don’t want to think about it because her not being here anymore is probably my worst fear. However, she just turned 75 in July and….I guess it finally has to be discussed. Women on her side of the family tend to live to at least their early 90s, if something like cancer doesn’t get them first. My Nanny and her sister lived to 99 and 100 respectively. Great grandma was like 92 when she passed. Since mom smokes, I worry about cancer related to that. She already had uterine cancer in 2003, you’d think once is freaking enough. I watched a dear friend die from lung cancer years ago. I would rather not do that again, especially with one of my parents. You never know how long you have left with your loved ones.

My worry is that my case worker from Partners won’t be there (can’t remember if she’s supposed to be there, gah) and in my mind she’s the most important person to talk to about it. I’m also of the mindset that nothing will actually get done or any agreements will be made. I have been bitch slapped with reality way too many times to think anything gets done in a relatively short meeting, so I’m kind of not looking so forwards to it because I’m afraid I’ll get frustrated with the whole thing and get all wound up and stressed out. 😰 I also don’t think I’ll have any useful ideas or input. So like…why should I go? I’m going, but I don’t know how useful it will be. It’s at 2pm. Karen says she’ll take me out afterwards. I really think a useful meeting on this subject would take a whole day or more, and if we’re able to go out afterwards it’s not gonna be a very long meeting. Soooooo….

When mom is gone, I’ll probably still have dad because he’s 11 years younger. Problem is, I absolutely CANNOT count on him to do the stuff mom knows how to do, stuff that must be done if I want to keep my living space, mh services, medical stuff and all kinds of other shit. I’d lose it all because I 100% do NOT have the cognitive ability to collect the ridiculous amounts of information I would have to. I wouldn’t know what to get, where to get it, how to get it, or even what it IS! People think I’m smart for some reason I’ll never understand, but I have no practical common sense. A lot of things simply mystify me. To use layman’s terms, I am “slow”. That word was used at my first Autism diagnosis in early 2006. They don’t use that word anymore, they’ve replaced it with “delayed processing of information” or whatever. I know what I am, though. And it’s okay. I’m not ashamed. I just know it limits me and what my limits are, for the most part. The word “Can’t” is absolutely in my vocabulary.

Partners has tried to dump me before and I’m terrified of that. They seem to think I’m in need of short term help, which is not the case. I don’t want to go into assisted living. I want to live independently, but I’m gonna need help that only a place like ACA could give me.

I hope SOMETHING gets done tomorrow. I’m not holding my breath though.