Oh my lordt!!! My credit is finally over 700!! 712 to be exact. And it’s now listed as “good”!! I’m out of the yellow and into the green!! Sorry for all the exclamation points, I’m just super happy because I never thought it would get there!!! 😆 eeeeeeee I’M AN ADULT WITH GOOD CREDIT I’M ADULTING CORRECTLY LOOK AT MEEE

haha sorry. It’s pretty special to me considering people didn’t think I’d ever be able to live alone much less do adult things like credit, because I’m autistic and I don’t consider myself to be “high functioning” because I think I’m somewhere between high and low, it is a spectrum after all. They just figured I couldn’t and I agreed. I never thought I’d do any of this stuff. There are many things I’ll probably never be able to do, but I think I’ve made strides that no one thought possible.

I went out with mom but didn’t get anything to eat on the way back and am regretting it. I should have gotten Chinese. I don’t want to make food 😭

Inspection is on Monday. Dammit! Everything is a mess. I’m gonna try to declutter but there’s only so much I can do 😅 I have a LOT of stuff and no place to put it. What am I gonna dooo? I always pass even though I’m a mess. I think it just needs a good vacuum and a bit of decluttering. Or just straightening the clutter to make it appear sort of organised….somehow. Can’t wait for that new carpet, even though I hate carpet to begin with. At least it’ll be new! This carpet has taken some serious abuse over the years.

This entry took a turn for the worse. It’s depressing, so under a cut it goes!

Edit 7:45pm; Jesus Christ I just had the worst low sugar attack I’ve ever had since being diagnosed with diabetes in 2008. I was sitting here attempting to nap a bit, and started to feel a little hot, mostly on my back. Kind of like when you’re having a panic attack, but not. It got a little worse so I decided I needed a glass of milk, because milk usually stops it in its tracks within 5-10 minutes. It didn’t. I grabbed a bag of grapes and just started cramming my face, I probably ate half the bag. Wasn’t working. Got one of my Monsters out of the fridge and drank it, because the ones I like aren’t sugar free. I then yanked my leftover birthday cake from the fridge and started desperately eating. I was burning up and shaking and had laboured breathing. Finally, it started to subside. I don’t know how much sugar I just ate but I know it was way too much. It’s probably going to go really high now. I wasn’t really thinking while I was eating all that, I was totally desperate to make it stop. It’s such a horrible feeling, I started to think it was something else and that I was going to die. It’s never taken that long to subside. Never. I should have gotten takeout on the way home. I went way too long without eating. Oh my god that was awful and took all the energy in my body out. I have nothing left in me. I will never go that long without eating again. Sweet fancy Moses. Damn. That writing was dramatic but that episode WAS dramatic. I hate diabetes so fucking much, if I had the bariatric surgery it probably would be in remission by now!!! UGH. Another thing to be mad at myself about. Worst mistake of my life. I’m never going to get over that. I’m never going to be “right” again. I’m broken. A broken person.

Everything that goes wrong seems to stem from not having the surgery. I feel cheated out of a better life, all because I let someone get in my ear and scare me into not doing it. I will never listen to anyone about anything ever again because being swayed by someone else basically ruined my life. God I’m so angry. So, so angry. I’m never gonna be the same again. I’m never gonna be not angry again. I’m always going to have resentment towards that person. It’s never going to stop. I feel self-harmy and I’m having suicidal thoughts. I’m going to trauma-dump so hard on my poor therapist Tuesday. Hope she’s ready for it, that’s all I gotta say.

I should absolutely be in the hospital right now, because I am a danger to myself. I’m not going through that miserable fucking intake process ever again, though. Straight 48 hours of lying in an uncomfortable “bed”, if you can even call it that, having to wear itchy paper “suicide pajamas”. Couldn’t take a dump in peace because the bathroom door had to stay open at all times and someone had to guard whoever was trying to use the toilet so they couldn’t find a way to kill themselves in there. 48 straight hours of just lying there, waiting for a room to open up in the psych ward. I’ve never watched so much Family Feud and Match Game in my LIFE. And all I could really do was lie there and wait, while being watched constantly by the person sitting in the doorway. There was literally nothing else to do in that room. I also was a little afraid of some of the other people in there. It was mostly women and while I’m quietly suicidal, some of them were very loudly suicidal. Banging on the wall, crying etc. There was also a guy that came in and I felt really uncomfortable. I was actually the first person to come into the room that night, and I was actually relieved I was the only one. Then the guy came and I wished they had sex segregated rooms for this stuff. Then the women slowly trickled in. 😑 not a moments peace for two days. I didn’t eat anything because hospital food has a strange taste to it that I can’t identify, but it makes it inedible for me. Luckily I hadn’t taken my insulin that night, so my sugar didn’t go low. All in all a terrible experience. Do not recommend. The psych ward part wasn’t that bad, but getting there sure was. And that’s why I won’t check myself into the hospital ever again, no matter how bad I need to. 😀

I’m done rambling, I’m gonna try and get my mind off this and stop wallowing in my own misery. Later. ✌️