I did it
I made the Temu haul video, all without showing my face. My phone made it hard to show it anyhow. I don’t know if I should get a tripod or something to kind of distance it from myself because you could hear everything, every fucking noise I make. Lip smacking, every breath etc. I mailed it to myself and have to edit it for YouTube. I’m going to put it on my art channel. Before I actually post any art haha. I’ll post it here when it’s done. I hope I’m not too annoying, I hope my voice isn’t stupid sounding. I thought it sounded okay. Sometimes I make stupid comments though lol. I might bleep out some of the dumb shit. I don’t know if I have the personality for YouTube honestly, I should stick to Temu hauls, gaming and art videos. Definitely not reaction stuff, oh no. I definitely don’t have the charisma. I never have that much to say to begin with as I’m a relatively quiet person. That probably doesn’t translate to YouTube well.
I had a crisis last night. All of a fucking sudden, I started thinking about what’s going to happen when mom isn’t here anymore. I was petrified. I cried and emailed her explaining what was going on. Mom is turning 75 this year!! How long do I have left with her? Women on her side of the family tend to live to their late nineties or even make it to one hundred. I hope it’s the same for her if she doesn’t get lung cancer from all the god damn smoking she does. In the email I said “and stop smoking!!!!!!!!!”. I was hoping it would trigger something in her to realise she has to quit. My friend (actually a friends mom but she was my friend as well) got lung cancer and passed away and it was just awful and sad and…I never want to see anyone else suffer like that, especially not one of my parents. I would be beyond devastated. “Emotionally Obliterated” are probably the best words to use. Smoking is a personal choice and I don’t think it should be banned or anything, I just know it hurts people and they need to know it could hurt them…and I have the right to bug her to quit because I love her. I used to smoke when I was 16/17 but quit without any problems. I just don’t know why she can’t. I’ve tried to get dad to quit too, he exclusively vaped for many years but suddenly started smoking again! Mom quit for a couple years and suddenly started back again too. I don’t understand the allure of it, sure it looks cool in photos and drawings, I’m not gonna pretend it doesn’t, but it tastes like shit! Any kind of respiratory problem scares the shit out of me so lung cancer is terrifying. I don’t know what it feels like to have it obviously but I imagine it’s awful! I don’t want anyone I love to go through it. Again.
That was a huge ramble and I don’t know if it made sense. I guess I’m still a little bit upset.
Edit: She did spend some extra time with me today. We went to Boulevard BBQ, got some river chips with ranch and talked for a while. It was pleasant. I really love my mom even if we don’t always agree. She said she was going to work on a plan for me for after she’s gone, because dad can’t deal with things the way she does and I certainly can’t. I love dad but if it was just me and him, we’d both be screwed haha. The day ended on a good note and I feel somewhat better.