I’m cutting ties with A Caring Alternative and am going to see about being referred to a similar place called Sparc.

My therapist is changing her job within ACA, so I was assigned to a new woman who is also Autistic. I liked her at first. Her office is filled with cat stuff and TNBC decorations. They’ve really been pushing the “goals” thing lately, and while that’s fine and I already know how to do most of these things, do not snap at me and shrug off a trauma just because it happened a long time ago.

What happened was, they wanted me and mom to come to an appointment together because we weren’t getting along well, and Jennifer (she’s head of peer supports I think) was also there. I had dreaded it for a bit and I was right to feel that way, because it went similarly to other meetings, but worse. Like I said, I would work on those “goals”. The ones I mostly understand how to do already. lol. We sat down in April’s (new therapist) office and it was an ambush. Of course. It was one thing after another, me and mom commenting on what the other was doing wrong. 😑 April had said before that she’s very blunt because she’s autistic. She wasn’t kidding. She snapped at me for making a comment when mom was talking. It’s okay for everybody else to interrupt me, though. 🤷‍♀️

Every god damn thing I said was an “excuse”. EVERYTHING. Even the “brain event” of 2005 which was hugely traumatic and basically destroyed me mentally. I think it actually changed my brain. Something shorted out. I mentioned the anhedonia (inability to feel positive emotions) that I’d spoken to an actual psychiatrist with. Not a “trained therapist” as she referred to herself. She then tried to deny what anhedonia is, she said it was a “lack of motivation”. I said no, I conferred with a psychiatrist and wasn’t formally diagnosed, but we agreed that’s exactly what it is. She got all huffy with the “trained therapist” thing. Being a trained therapist doesn’t mean you’re infallible and never wrong about anything. So stfu and Google it or whatever. 🙄

Anyhow, she shrugged off this very real trauma and said it shouldn’t affect me because it happened in 2005. That’s a crock of SHIT, and I told her so. I went through almost every single thing that happened after the panic attack that changed my life forever. I listed every fucking thing that happened. The absolute fear. Hallucinations. Terrifying delusions. The dp/dr that went on for a year and a half. Not being able to feel happiness for about 8 years. No, I’m not “fine” now!! It still affects me a lot! And I’m fucking ANGRY that a “trained therapist” would say that’s an “excuse”. Would she still say that about sexual harassment and abuse? Maybe I should have told her what my male bullies did and said to make me feel scared of men all the way into my late twenties! Should that not have had a fucking lasting impact?! Anyways, after I had explained why whatever it was happened to my brain that night in early 2005, neither of them were particularly moved or receptive to the possibility they might be WRONG about something, and that not everything is an excuse. Because of course.

She then proceeded to call other things I said excuses, and I said “yeah, some of those are.” in a totally non-argumentative way, and April the trained therapist had a problem with that as well. Omg like look how she says it so casually! Well how the fuck did she want me to respond? Did she want me to deny that so she could blather on more about how bad I am? I just sat there for a minute trying to process what just happened. I was the only “bad guy” in the room. I was wrong. Always. Nothing I said was valid. I was “playing the victim” At some point, I may very well have done so. I’m far from perfect. She told me they were having a meeting about my services at ACA being continued. If I didn’t make significant progress on my “goals” within one or two months, that they would discharge me. I was tired and really angry, so I said very BLUNTLY (because, you know, autism!) “Go ahead and do it.”. I had more or less decided in that moment that I was cutting ties. I didn’t care. She told me I was playing the victim, maybe I was. Don’t care. April can be blunt and rude to some other unfortunate soul, and will probably get away with it because AUTISM IS SO QUIRKY TEE HEE 🤪 …and that makes it okay to be a cunt, I reckon. I’m tired of autism used as an EXCUSE to be a jagoff! Excuses, excuses, April.

Oh and April got on me for being at mom’s house for a few weeks. She was saying “if you aren’t staying in your apartment, you should give it to someone who needs it” and fuck you, lady. My dad died not long ago. I needed to stay there a bit because something happened and I was scared. Did she think I wasn’t ever going back? I’m here now, cuddling with Pippi! Geezus. I’m sick to fucking death of some “mental health professionals”. It REALLY sucks to clash with another autistic person in a position of authority, especially in a healthcare situation. A lot of high functioning autistics really have the idea that they are always right. I’m not high functioning myself. I am well aware I’m not always right, but when I’m right, I’m fuckin right.

Lauren (peer support I was assigned to late last year) was someone that had me working on my “goals”. She was very proactive. She was never a biatch. I did what they wanted me to do and then I got to get out and do something fun after. I really miss her. Samantha (current peer) is kind of a b, honestly. She can’t address a simple question. I don’t know wtf that’s about. And then there’s my individual support girly, Devan, who I really like. I feel crappy about just dropping her, but I need to try something else. I wasn’t mad they were pushing working on my “goals” so strongly, that’s part of having services there I guess, but I will not be snapped at, attacked, accused of shit by people that only have half the goddam facts, and have my real trauma dismissed by someone who has the obviously never experienced it!  Hell naw, Sparc it is. Since I know the lady who started the business, it shouldn’t be a big kerfluffle getting services from them.

All that crap happened Wednesday btw.

I did have a nice afternoon with mom yesterday though. We ate at Texas Roadhouse (very good filet, also a cool taxidermied armadillo hugging a beer bottle lol) and wandered around the mall for a while. I got so many compliments on my outfit, love when that happens. 😺

Anyways!

That was probably jumbled but I don’t care. My mind is all over the place, which is par for the course these days. I think I’m going to watch some Barbie doll customisation videos on YouTube. Maybe some creepypastas. I have an half-awake orange demon lying across my chest and I have to go to the bathroom. Help. 😅