Last night, me and mom brought sandwiches home for dinner. She went off someplace so I distributed sandwiches but couldn’t reach mom’s plate. I held it out to dad and asked if he’d put it on her plate.

Dad: What is it?

Me: Moms sandwich.

Dad: Why?

Me: Why what?

Dad: Why’s it a sandwich?

Me: because….it just IS 😳

He has been completely out of his head last time I stayed as well as yesterday and today. I’m starting to wonder if the medication meant to flush the ammonia out of his head (I guess?) because that ammonia buildup makes people act like they just woke up from anaesthesia after having their wisdom teeth out. Specifically that. Totally loopy and confused. I also wondered about sodium and thought his might be low or something. I went upstairs at 6am for orange juice and he was splayed out on the couch making strange noises. I asked if he was okay and was it time for one of his medications. He got up and took something, then wrote it out on a paper, totally illegible, so I was a little worried about the mental state he was in. I stayed up there for a while drinking my orange juice and waited for mom to get up. I didn’t understand a single thing he said, there was a bit about “Batman juice” and I was so confused! I haven’t been able to actually talk to him the last couple of times I stayed over….its so weird, I do NOT know how to really help dad in a significant way because I don’t know his meds, his schedule for taking them, or anything like that. There’s a ton I don’t know or understand about this whole thing. I’m scared we won’t be able to spend any meaningful time together.

I hate to say this, but I am not a “nurturing” person. I have a bad bedside manner. I can’t talk to somebody I can’t verbally understand, I can’t find something to say or “baby talk” them like other people do. I’m not a person whose shoulder you want to cry on if you’re expecting normal emotional reactions 🙁 I guess it’s a combo of autism and being raised not to show strong emotions. I just worry people will think I’m an asshat or that I don’t care. I don’t want dad to think I’m being flippant. I’m just hoping he’ll come out of this confusion he’s in, that it’s ammonia buildup and maybe they can recommend more frequent use of that medication. It’s called Laculose and flushes ammonia out when you uh, defecate. He takes it three times every day.

Hes also making these pained noises, which I understand because I sometimes do that, but he sounded really bad this morning. Mom said it’s his liver 😞

I don’t know what to do 😥