I started feeling crappy last night. I was thinking about how I have nothing going for me, I’ve done nothing special in my life, I don’t have actual hobbies anymore, I’m supposedly an “artist” but can’t make art. I have started being depressed about not having the bariatric surgery last year. I thought I was okay, I thought I could go on and not angst about it anymore, but it’s come back in the last few months. I keep focusing on how much better I’d feel at this point after having it. Diabeetus would almost certainly be in remission, my pain might be lesser, sleep apnea might have improved, I could have gotten of some of my medications that have shitty side effects, and more! But here I am, stuck in limbo. I can’t try for it again because if I happened to lose any more weight during the four month diet thing my insurance requires, I definitely couldn’t have it because I’m right at the borderline weight. I’m not far from not weighing enough. They even adjusted my pre-surgery liquid diet and made it shorter so I wouldn’t lose too much weight! I weigh the same now as I did then. 211lbs. I had gained some back after that because I was depressed, but lost 10+ lbs again because I wasn’t eating much. This seems to be my new “normal” weight. It’s the lowest I’ve weighed in over 20 freaking years and it’s sure as shit better than my highest weight (close to 300lbs!), it’s just that I still feel like garbage and I KNOW I could be feeling notably better had I done it. That makes me angry, and I’ve really been feeling it. I will never listen to anyone again. Ever. They need to keep their opinions to themselves. Recap: after I canceled the first surgery, realised I made a huge mistake and asked if the surgeon would be willing to give me a second chance, they kindly did that for me. I was pumped. Mom wasn’t, and basically harassed me for days trying to convince me to cancel again. She scared the shit outta me and I caved, because I’m WEAK.
I hate myself for being a fucking wuss and I have carried a grudge against her since. I thought I got over it after several months, but I guess I was bottling it up and ignoring my feelings. Why can’t people just mind their own shit??? I was 39, I didn’t need harassment masquerading as advice.
Anyways. It all came back, I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe because I’ve been feeling so physically crappy? But last night, I started having self-harmy thoughts. I can get really emotional, almost hysterical when I feel that way. It’s almost like I want to harm myself BECAUSE I want to harm myself! I hate that feeling so much I want to harm myself to be rid of it! That’s fucking crazy. For as long as I’ve had those feelings, since I was nine, I haven’t gotten used to them. I will never get used to them. It’s just as scary as the first time it happened. When I was out with mom today, those feelings came out because of some of the things she did and said and I basically called her selfish. I said that because when I’m here alone and have an episode of this crap, I call her because I’m scared. She’ll just tell me to call the 24 hour mental health people and stop responding to my texts and calls. I don’t call them because I feel like I’m wasting their time. I feel like I’m not worth it. Then I guess she feels guilty and calls me, and I do not answer those calls. There’s a point in when someone makes me feel so disgusted, that I won’t interact with them, at least until the next day when I’ve slept on it and calmed down. This has happened a few times since I moved out.
We stopped by Bath & Bodywork’s and it lightened the mood a bit. I had stopped crying and just wanted to smell nice things. It did cheer me up a bit. I got two plug in scent thingies and two of the bottles that screw in. One has a cranberry scent, which I love. I have yet to plug them in. I wanted to find a pine scent but none of them smelt like pine to me. Pine and burning wood are such lovely scents. They make me feel warm and cozy. I don’t know if anyone makes a burning firewood scent but I’m going to try and find that and a good pine scent. I wanted to get a holidays room sprays. I use their coconut one in the summer and it’s a mood lifter. I love it. I tried to spray and sniff but couldn’t smell a damn thing, wtf?? Mom sprayed one directly towards my face and I coughed and hacked for a minute. Don’t know what that was. I don’t know wtf any of them smelled like so I didn’t get one today. It’s strange because I usually smell everything around me. My nose is sensitive.
I also got a twisted peppermint hand sanitiser, because I always get that one around this time every year.
I love peppermint anything, really. Peppermint in a scent diffuser will soothe or kill headaches almost immediately in my experience. Also…a peppermint Italian soda. If you are constipated, that shit will KILLDOZER it’s way through your guts. I found that out the hard way. I always recommend it when someone complains how they can’t take a dump. There, fixed it for ya 👍
I seem to feel a little better now.
Mom got Oscar’s needles I’m going to have to use from now on. I don’t know how to use them yet, but I have the vet assistants cell number. She said to call her and she’d come show me. I am not ready to be using vials and syringes. My eyesight is terrible, far away and looking at tiny things up close, even with glasses. I don’t want to accidentally make him sick! I would never forgive myself if I overdosed him on insulin because I can’t fucking SEE! Using one of my own lantus pens is the easiest, simplest way to administer insulin imaginable. ☹️ Now I gotta do it this way and be super anxious every time. I have to start checking his sugar myself. Oh my god. I had trouble doing my own, so I just quit checking and wing it 😅 He’s a wiggly woolly worm so I don’t know how I possibly can make him stay still and not bite me. You’re supposed to prick them at the base of the ear where there’s no hair. He’s going to hate it. I’M going to hate it! I still haven’t ordered his damn test kit either. I took a picture of the one the vet showed me so I’m going to do that in a minute. I so hope he’s still able to go into remission. I hope he didn’t have it untreated for too long. He’s totally rebounded from how he was acting before the insulin, so I’m very thankful for that. He’s the old Oscar again. Maybe not completely but close enough. 😸