I’ve gotten a couple emails from the vet clinic. Oscar is doing fantastic!! He’s responding drastically to the insulin, a lot of his energy and desire to cuddle, as well as annoying the ever loving shit outta me while I’m trying to get to sleep has come back. He’s also jumping up on things a lot more, particularly my bed which he was rarely doing before. His drinking and urination have sharply decreased. He’s getting his wet food and shot every 12 hours. He’s not really begging in between which I am SO thankful for, because he never shut up before! I think he’s just really excited to get wet food twice every day, and he didn’t like the “stink cereal” to begin with. Only problem is he’s still walking flat footed but the vet said that could improve when we get his diabetes controlled, especially if he’s able to go into remission. Other thing is that he has inflammation in his pancreas which he will need an ultrasound to be able to see what’s going on with that. Some things are still elevated (like sugar and whatever) but she said that’s normal for diabetic cats. Overall, he’s doing wonderfully and I’m so relieved. It took a burden of worry off my back. The very expensive senior blood panel tests were 100% worth the hassle!! I started to make a claim on the lemonade insurance app but it requires a little work and some annoying things I have to do, like make a video of me explaining the problem. I don’t do great on camera. Also I’ve had more trouble speaking properly lately. I think I might have write it and read it for the video. I’m not sure exactly which documents I need to send, I guess I’ll contact customer service about that. They were very helpful in getting his documents added to my account.
So far, I’m very happy with the service….except the video thing 😅 I don’t wanna. But I will. The camera on my phone makes me look exceptionally fat, AND ugly! I know because I sometimes have zoom (bleh!!) meetings with my psychiatrist and I keep looking at the little window with me in it and cringing 😬 There is literally no way to position my phone to make myself look any better. I used to turn off my camera so I was a black box but after a while she made me turn it on 😭 I actually have an appointment with her Friday, but in person. It’s important because I’m going to discuss getting off SSRIs and Benzos. I’m terrified of what could happen if I do that but I can’t keep going the way I am. It’s essentially medication induced dementia. At least I hope it’s the medication 😕 I can’t do it anymore, I get more and more scared every day. It’s got to be the SSRIs and benzos. Benzos can actually cause some kind of brain injury or the equivalent of. They both have these nasty memory loss side effects. I went to Reddit (Google almost always includes a relevant Reddit thread) and read the SSRI thread and people were saying it’s like their brain just stopped functioning. I was relieved to see so many other people are experiencing the same symptoms. I read a paper on Benzos, which was…enlightening. I wtf’d all the way through it. It was actually a medical professional’s presentation on his/hers experience with Benzos. I was left wondering how this shit is even legal! The cure sometimes really is MUCH worse than the disease. Weed is still illegal in a lot of places but this crap is PRESCRIBED to people. I’m left mind blown after learning this stuff. I wondered why so many people say “I wonder what SSRIs they were on” when someone shoots up a place or whatever. Now I’m wondering if there really is a correlation. 😕 I now understand that there’s such a thing as “SSRI rage” and I have a BIG problem with that. Again, it makes me wonder. The anger has negatively impacted some of my relationships, particularly with my mom. I had an anger (and violence) problem when I was 9-13. I got over it. Then I started the Sertraline a good while back (mid 2010s? Can’t remember) and I RAGED like never before. I did not make the connection, just questioned what the FUCK was wrong with me. It has not let up since, and I am always extremely upset and guilty about it, but I cannot stop it. It’s like being possessed by a rage demon. I can’t stop the word vomit. It comes out no matter that my mind is screaming for my mouth to close. Horrible for me and whoever pissed me off. I just want to be normal and I hope getting off these fucking poisonous meds will help. I want to be as mentally well as possible for someone with my problems!
Anyways, I wrote entirely too much about that. No one cares about your meds, Serina.
I had to cancel my day with Lauren because I felt SO bad when I woke up. To be fair, I felt just as bad when I was struggling to sleep. My arms and legs felt heavy, like they were lead. I had to take a shower but I knew I couldn’t manage that in the state I was in. I feel ultra crappy about not going out with her because I wasted three hours of her time. I’ll admit I wasn’t upset about not having to refill my pillbox today 😅 I always have bad neck pain and sweat terribly when I have to. She was also going to show me how to use the washer and dryer today. I was kind of looking forward to learn so I could wash my damn clothes whenever I want.
I hate hate hate to say this, because it’s troublesome (and never happens!) but I think I like Lauren. “Like” with a capital L, I mean. She’s a bit of a butch lesbian, which is what I like in general when it comes to women, with a few exceptions. I have no desire to do adult stuff with anyone but I’m certainly not asexual, I’m just grossed out by it I guess. Makes it hard to find someone. I’m pretty sure she’s not “grossed out” lol. I also think she has a girlfriend. Oh well. Reckon I’ll just have to deal with it 😂 I don’t have anyone in my life to tell. I think most of them might suspect I’m a bit dyke-y because of how I look, dress, and how un-feminine I am. I’ve never outright said it or officially come out of the closet. I did admit to being bisexual to mom when I was 16. Somehow I don’t think that counts since I now am strictly into women. I have hinted but I don’t think she really gets it. I have to get it off my chest or I’ll go coo-coo bonkers, and nobody wants that. 😝
Aside from all that, I need to open my laptop, despite my lack of energy, and make that fanlisting I was approved for. It’s for Stonehenge, which I wanted for a long time. I have always been fascinated by the ancient megaliths, stone circles and dolmen found in Europe. Stonehenge in particular. I learnt about druids and Stonehenge when I was really young (don’t know where I heard about it either!) and surprised a few of my teachers in grade school knowing about that and various nature things. Anyhoo, the owner let her fanlisting close for whatever reason and I pounced on it. I’m a little afraid to contact her and ask for her member list .sql file. She’s quite…stony? I don’t know a proper word. Icy? Impersonal? Curt, perhaps? I don’t know, but she makes me nervous 😅 And yes, I’ve talked to her in the past. Some people just come off as scary like they might type aggressively at me 😆
Good night, internet. I’m a little sleepy.