Why do people like ruining things for me? I don’t have much to look forward to, nor do I really have anything going for me and there are only two people I can talk to without some crap happening, and one I don’t know well enough to trauma dump on. The third is the one that starts the shitsorms.
Anyways, the third ruined the winter holiday season (including Christmas!) for me. It is so freaking upsetting because it’s my favourite time of the year and actually gives me a mood boost. Like I said, I don’t have a lot to look forward to, except that. That’s why I’m affected so strongly. I just wish people didn’t have to be so inflammatory with the shit they say. It gets in my stupid head and won’t GO AWAY. I don’t know how to make it stop! I’m just….so unhappy about so many things. People and their stupid words make it so much worse. When you have so much bad shit going on in your head, it…doesn’t take a whole lot to fuck me up and make whatever it is three times as bad.
I’m hoping this crap fades away with time and the holiday won’t be full of stress and sadness for me. I hope it can be normal and I can be comfy and happy. That’s something I get literally ONCE A YEAR. I used to have summer vacation to be excited about, but we all know I’ll probably never get out of this fucking ARMPIT of a town again.
Sorry, I have been crying some and am so stressed I might puke. Everything hurts.
Oh, speaking of everything hurting….orthopaedic surgeon says my arm socket or the ball has extra bone growing on it (the fuck does that mean) and it’s “hanging low” or something, and my C5 and C6 (I think, memory sucks) vertebrae in my neck are all fucked up and worn down and has bone spurs in the front. Da fuq??? Dude I’m only 40, I should not be having these problems. Yes, I had a car accident in 2003, but could one accident cause all these problems?? I’m about the age of when dad started having issues with his back, and mom started the same shit about 5 years ago. Dad had a rough job (correctional officer) and he did have some physical interactions with inmates when they acted up, and he also caught Hep C from one which was cured many years later with interferon. It still wrecked him pretty good though because he had it for a long time. He’s had two neck surgeries as one back surgery. I am SO scared I could end up like that. It’s basically failed back syndrome or degenerative disc disease. Ugh. Do not want.
Well I have to have yet another MRI and be put under again. I don’t even know what to do, I do not have much hope that physical therapy will help, because they’d be moving and exercising my entire fucking body, and Medicaid will only pay for so many appointments. I feel kind of screwed…..and hopeless.
I feel like I’ve fallen into a void where I don’t care about anything and don’t want to do anything. It’s scary and upsetting. Also, my fucking neck is killing me. 🖕