I am so tired of feeling insignificant. I’ve had a lifelong problem with people ignoring me TO MY FACE when I’m speaking to them. They’ll just turn around and act like I’m not there. I have some kind of complex now. Inferiority? Idk. It hurt the most when my aunt/godmom did it incredibly blatantly. Sometimes I feel like the stereotypical autistic person who rambles about their niche interest and others find me annoying. I know how it feels because I got cornered by an autistic guy at our local ASPCA shelter while I was busy socialising cats and he knew I was also autistic. I think my peer support told him. Anyhow, he went on and on and on about trains and while I think old steam engines are cool, otherwise i don’t care about trains. I spent ten minutes trying to escape. I got cornered by another autistic dude in Flick Video, luckily I shared his interest in Japanese Youkai. Haha. But sometimes I feel like THAT person who bores the hell out of everyone, so I ramble about my interests here. I got a brief respite from this treatment in high school. I dunno…it happened today and really tore me up. I feel like insignificant shit. I know that in the grand scheme of things we’re the equivalent to ants or grains of sand, but I’m speaking of feeling that way around other people, not like I want the fucking universe to notice me. I’m not that self important. I’m just hurt from a whole lifetime of this bs. I never get used to it. It hurts just as much every time. It’s to the point that I’ve TOLD people that if I’m talking about something they aren’t interested in, just change the fucking subject instead of giving me one-word answers that sound like they’re talking to a toddler! That’s when I simply stop talking. Sometimes I can tell when someone isn’t interested, but sometimes I don’t and wind up feeling like a complete fucking idiot, as well as intense embarrassment. That’s why I get along with Karen so well, we have a lot of the same interests (even though she’s 20 years my senior lol) so I’m safe to talk about stuff without feeling stupid.
It really bothers me. I think I wrote about this not too long ago, actually. It happens a lot.
At least tomorrow is Sunday and I go to my parents, watch videos with dad (which is one of the highlights of my week) and shove grilled cheeseburgers in my face portal 😅 Yeah, mom makes two for me because I like mine a lot smaller and thinner than theirs, because reasons. Ramble ramble. 😬