I’m really enjoying this break from the hot weather. It’s all rain though, and I’m not fond of getting damp when I go out. No, I don’t have an umbrella because…reasons. Better than hot humid weather. I’m not built for it. I had heatstroke multiple times as a child and don’t feel like doing that again 😅 I wish I could have one of those Botox shots in my armpits that stop sweating for 6 months to a year. It’s hella expensive, but I’d totally do it. Sweaty, smelly armpits harsh my buzz. I wonder if you can get Botox shots to prevent summer swamp ass…
I’m really thanking God for giving me relief from some of my biggest stressors. I haven’t had self harm and suicidal thoughts since I got the sign I asked for. I can’t seem to feel the anxiety and stress anymore. I guess I could feel anxiety over other things, but I really haven’t had that tested. It’s really a miracle. In some ways, I do feel a little bit unsure of how I’m feeling because I have never had peace in my life and I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like. I’m having to adjust a little. I know that sounds strange but I am not accustomed to NOT feeling awful.
I might have had a good run from ages 14-19, but I don’t remember if I felt actual peace even back then. I was still mentally ill. I know I was able to feel happy, however. That all went away when I was 19, in late February of 2005. I had a major panic attack for literally no apparent reason, and I think it flipped some kind of switch in my brain, or blew a fuse. I don’t know. I wasn’t able to feel positive emotions for many years after. Only negative ones. And boy, were they negative. Constant panic attacks, delusions, hallucinations….I don’t know how I got through it alive. A lot of people would have ended themselves, it was that bad. I genuinely thought I was schizophrenic! My cousin was, and I was always scared I’d develop it in my 20s. Psychiatrist said I wasn’t. My positive emotions started coming back after maybe 6 or 7 years. They were very blunted though, probably the medications I took. Or maybe my brain was trying to heal itself. I really haven’t a clue. My autism went waaaay downhill as well. I used to be independent. I didn’t need my mom all the time. I would go out in my own car, go grocery shopping, do other stuff, and pick up dinner. I was probably 19 or 20 when I was able to do that stuff.
I am praying for God to heal me, so maybe I can do those things again and don’t have to depend on anyone so much. I mean, I’ll never NOT be autistic, but I would be so so so grateful to be more high-functioning. I will pray and work on things. I really need to work on my fear of driving. I’m not necessarily afraid I’ll wreck, rather I’m terrified of hitting and killing a pedestrian or an animal. A family friend had that happen to him (Killed a road worker but it was not his fault. People were spreading rumours he was drunk. He was not.) He was never the same after that and never drove again. Seeing that happen made me even more afraid. I’ve been totally blinded by lights at night (like he was) and actually hit a car! It’s easy to get blinded by road construction lights at night and a bunch of friggin COP CARS with their friggin lights on at the same time. Bright as the sun. That’s what got me. I wish I could get an old $1500 junker that would get me from point A to point B and I could just start driving again like a normal person!! Tired of being dependent…maybe my newfound faith can help me with these things. Encourage me. I’m such a chicken butt though 😭 I don’t know how to get past that!
Geez…maybe I need counselling for that specifically.
Another day of wacky breathing. Once again, writing calmed it down, but it will probably start again when I move. I’m going to my doctor for it again. My psychiatrist upping one of my depression meds did nothing to help. I think my doctor needs to refer me to a specialist. I do not think it’s anxiety anymore. Anxiety can make it worse, but I don’t believe it’s the direct cause. I have been feeling perfectly calm, no real signs of anxiety, yet it still happens, every day. It was better for a few weeks as it didn’t start up anytime I did something besides friggin sit…now it’s back to how it was in the beginning. I don’t think it’s just gonna go away. I’m so scared of copd, lung cancer, and anything similar. That’s one of my worst nightmares. I had a longtime friend pass away from lung cancer. (RIP Nisé, and fuck cancer.) I really don’t want to experience that myself. I think one in every four people have some kind of cancer in their lifetime. Mom had it, her dad (my pawpaw) had it, great grandma had pancreatic cancer which is fricken terrifying…don’t know about dad’s side.
I’m paranoid lol. I’m kind of a pessimist, always have been, so I always think of the worst case scenarios. 😅
Anyhoo….I rambled. Yup. 😬