Month: May 2025

May 31 2025 May 31, 2025 May 31, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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under a cut because I might offend stupid people or pothead parents. Don’t wanna hear it from some interwebs rando. Warned ya. 😆

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May 29 2025 May 29, 2025 May 30, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Haven’t written in a while! Nice to see you again, my poor, neglected blog! 😅 I got addicted to a stupid mobile game and instead of writing when I get home, I play that friggin game! I swore that Cat Game would be my only mobile game, but I kept seeing adverts for those screw games. I finally caved and downloaded one. It satisfies my desire to sort things by colour. I don’t know why, but I have a strong urge to do that. It has a butt ton of ads, definitely a racket, but I still enjoy it, even though sometimes Royal Match/Royal Kingdom 2 minute long adverts sometimes pop up and those are the bane of my existence. Well, one of them at least. I always report adverts for that game for being “obscene”,  which is not a lie, because they are obscenely LONG. No one wants to sit through a fricken 2 minute advert (and more because of the demo) for your game. No one. Not one person on earth. It is not that awesome. lol I needed to get that out 😂 Anyways. This screw game is like catnip. Or maybe crack. Yeah, definitely crack.

I went out with Kellie yesterday and got another large amount of movies that I have no place to put yet. I’m aiming for having more movies than a Blockbuster haha. Shoot, I probably already do. Two Blockbusters then. 😆 I’m awful at managing my own space, as I have said before. If Roses would restock their furniture worth a crap, I could get a shelf! Roses sucks, but their shelving units are actually affordable and well made. That’s probably the only thing they get right, because they seem to have ruined Big Lots since they bought it. The one in my town hasn’t reopened just yet, but I’ll take a look when it does. Maybe it won’t suck as much, but I don’t have much hope. Ugh I miss that place. Also, JoAnne closed for good today ☹️ I believe every store closed. It’s a real shame, now there’s no place to get fabric. I should have gone and bought a ton of my favourite ones. Everything was 80-95% off but I’m dumb and waited until yesterday because I didn’t actually know the closing date and figured there was a little more time before they sold out of everything. There was nothing in there at all. It was sad. Just another empty building in this town…and one more place I loved, gone. I so wish I had bought all their crushed velvet. It’s my favourite material.

China King Buffet, the one that changed management and completely snafu’d the buffet, is now closed for “renovations”. I don’t think that’s really what they’re doing, they realised they dun goofed and are trying to regroup and do damage control or something. 😬 I think they lost a lot of business because of their counterproductive changes. They should have known people weren’t going to like what they did, but they did it anyways. Oh well, FAFO. 🤷‍♀️ Yeah, I’m still pretty mad. Still gotta find a new Chinese buffet. I miss crab Rangoon so bad.

I got Subway before I came home, and I think the girl that made my sandwich didn’t really know what she was doing. I’m not going into it because it aggravated the shit out of me, but it was so dumb! Do you not know what the flipping menu says is on the sandwich?? It’s right there, why are you fighting me on that? I am perfectly capable of going full Karen. I did it at a Pizza Hut a while back, but it was totally justified. I asked for the manager and everything 😆 I haven’t gotten food from them since, just like I said to that manager I wouldn’t. I hold food grudges pretty bad. I wouldn’t go near one place for twenty freaking years because the manager pissed me off when I was 17 and job hunting, and I was hoping to apply there. He wouldn’t even let me get an application form!

I once again prayed for God to send me a best friend. I have to believe it’ll happen… it’s something I need so badly. I feel pretty isolated sometimes. Not a nice feeling. It’s better than it was before I moved out of my parents house, because they were my whole world. They were the only people I talked to for the most part. Add in the depression, and it ended badly. At least the hospitalisation was the catalyst for me getting my own place. I was hospitalised in late January/early February of 2019 and moved out by August of 2019. Went off on a tangent again! I really never had a best friend. I thought I did, but later realised they were mentally and occasionally physically abusive. Also, toxic as hell. She made me feel bad about myself and always criticised everything I did in a non helpful way. I do not talk to her anymore. She was very selfish throughout our friendship and did ONE good thing for me in the 25+ years we’d been “friends”. One thing. I was grateful for that one thing, but that was it. She was a taker, not a giver. She took and took and took, invaded my privacy, disregarded any boundaries I’d set, and lied and went back on her word and said hurtful things and a lot more than that…honestly I just want to experience a real friendship. I need it so much. I hope my prayers are answered. I pray on it every night. A real friend. That would be…so wonderful. A totally platonic soulmate. I dream of it. I so badly need that connection.

Geez, I’m trying to remember what else I’ve done since I last wrote. It hasn’t been that long…but my memory sucks. I can’t remember shite 😭

At least I get paid at midnight!


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May 22 2025 May 22, 2025 May 22, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Wow, Bibles are quite expensive, at least at Barnes & Noble. I wanted a Catholic study Bible but it was $60. I have tried to read the KJV a loooooooong time ago, but I understood nothing, because it’s written in 17th century English. It was like trying to read Greek! Obviously I could read the words because I’m perfectly literate, but my goodness people spoke in a way back then that is completely different than modern English! I know there’s a plain English version but I have to be sure it’s Catholic. I don’t want to not have all the books that got removed in the KJV. Then again, I feel kind of stupid for having to read plain English anything. Back when I wanted to convert to Judaism, which was quite some time ago, I had an app that had daily wisdom from the Torah. I opened it up and read that days post. My only reaction was “Wut”. I mean, I understood what they were doing, but there was zero cultural context! I didn’t understand the meaning of it. People did things differently at that time. There were nuances and cultural things that only historians or theologians know the actual meaning of. Or someone with a huuuuge 7” thick study Bible like my grandparents had 😅 or maybe someone with google lol. I have a feeling if I asked a priest what that cultural custom meant, he would have no idea. The custom I’m referring to is, if I remember correctly, one man was telling the other something important and he placed his hand on the other man’s thigh, and it was significant somehow. Must’ve been a cultural thing at the time 🤷‍♀️ Also, that 17th century English didn’t help. 😭 I want to understand lol. I’m going to look for a Catholic study Bible on Amazon. Maybe they have one that won’t destroy my debit card.

I also got a few DVDs. Unforgiven, Natural Born Killers (how did I not have that already? For shame!) and The Case for Christ. I want to watch that one with my parents. I need to strengthen my faith. I believe but it isn’t as strong as I would like. I find it difficult to feel it strongly. It can be hard to have really strong emotions because depression meds can really blunt emotions. My brain is fried from 20 years of SSRIs. Meds will do that when you’re on them long enough. It’s the zombie effect. But yeah, I know God exists because I received a gift that medication cannot equal. I was blessed with relief. Something no pill ever did for me. All I did was ask for a sign, and I got it. I didn’t realise it until the next day (because like I said, I’m not that bright 😬), but when I did…my miracle happened. Anyhow, enough about me. The guy who made the documentary (I think it’s a documentary anyhow) was an atheist before, but converted after his search for historical proof…or something. I’ve never seen it or read the back yet, because Im scatterbrained haha. I’d heard about it before and just grabbed it. I’m very curious about what he has to say about his personal journey. Maybe it could help guide my own a little.

I will say that Barnes & Noble is ridiculously overpriced, particularly their DVDs and Blu Rays. Some movies were $40-50 even though the movie came out 40 years ago and it wasn’t even a Blu ray or Criterion Collection edition! 0_o What the heck, man. I could get the same thing off Amazon for a third of that price. Or less. This is why I’m glad I’m a thrift store movie nut and usually buy used movies on Amazon. I save tons of money. There were a lot of movies at B&N that I wanted but they were all at the very least $25. They also had a bit of British TV, none of which I could afford. They had good stuff, it’s just not affordable. The ones I got were all under $10, so they did have a few reasonable ones. But still.

I was out with Karen and had a good time. We were talking about how a bird shat on her car and how weird the poo looked. I then told her a gross secret from when I was a kid 😆 I’m not saying it here, but I will say it involved bird crap. So few people know lol. I only told mom when I was in my twenties! She was so grossed out lmao. I was a strange child. I’m also grossed out by my five year old self! I think back to some of the weird things I did as a small child and wonder what the hell I was thinking at the time 😭 I’m not gross anymore, I promise. I have bad OCD about touching certain things and washing my hands. I won’t touch things I consider “tainted”. Which is many, many things, unfortunately. 😅

I think I’m finally going to use Karen’s Hulu account. I was listening to a really good creepypasta last night, and many people in the comments were saying it reminded them of a show on hulu called “Paradise”. If there’s a series similar to that great pasta, I’m gonna have to see it! I like to listen to the cosmic horror stuff and horrifying creatures from other planes of existence. I also love space horror. I listen to other kinds of course, but those are my favourites. I also love nasty monsters. The grossest ones. I have a whole Pinterest board dedicated to the nastiest monsters I could find. It’s titled “Nasty Monsters” because I’m not creative 😆 It’s about 10-12 years old and hasn’t been updated since then, but I look at it when I need my nasty monster fix. 😬 Anyhow…I’m not sure what “Paradise” is actually about, but I’m going to google it now. I’m super curious. It can be hard for me to get into series because I strongly prefer movies because I have a short attention span, but if it’s similar to the plot of that pasta I’ll probably give it a go.

Someone actually narrated the famous “Have you ever played the left right game?” and it’s SIX HOURS LONG. That’s dedication. I also found one I read like ten years ago and was one of my favourites. Narrated, it’s over four hours long! I think it’s called something like “My friend spent time in a parallel universe”. It’s been a long time since I read those on Nosleep. So many people were completely invested in the Left Right Game pasta, me included. Got all excited when the next part got posted. It really is that good! I actually have a nosleep story rec site on Neocities. It doesn’t have enough links and I haven’t updated it in several years but I sometimes go back and reread stories I linked. Here it is: https://remina.neocities.org/ It’s got a junji ito design because I was going to add horror manga recs, but those manga sites are unreliable and just freaking disappear sometimes. I did have some linked before, but the site took the whole manga off their site for some reason. I had linked particular stories from “Gyo” and of course the classic “Amigara Fault”. Geez, I think everything I added was junji ito 😆 I didn’t really work on the horror manga section much. I just got rid of it because I’m lazy and all the manga I linked to disappeared. Anyhow if you like good creepypastas , check out my puny little site. They’re my personal favourites. Again, it’s https://remina.neocities.org/ I might actually update it sometime soon when I’m not feeling super lazy.

I got some donuts from Krispy Crème as a little reward to myself for my great report from my doctor. One raspberry filled and one crème filled. I can’t believe I haven’t eaten them yet. 🤤


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May 22 2025 May 22, 2025 May 22, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I think my diabetes might be in remission. I read that an a1c under 6.5 is no longer considered diabetic, and mine is 6.4!  That would be awesome 🤗 Gonna call my doctor to ask about this today. I want to see what she says, because she didn’t mention that when going over the bloodwork results with me.

The section 8 inspector came at 9am, I was in my robe looking haggard and he asked if he woke me up, to which I said “yep!” In a frighteningly cheerful manner 😆 Nice guy, he even fixed my crazy faucet. After that I crawled back into bed because I hadn’t slept at all that night. I tried to just stay up an extra couple hours and listen to creepypastas on YouTube until I had to get up, but got tired and tried to get a quick nap. I was unsuccessful. 😬

I got the results of my lung x-rays, totally normal. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t disappointed. I was definitely hoping it wasn’t lung cancer or something horrific like that, but I want answers! If they can’t find what’s wrong, how can it be treated? I’m really scared I’m going to be stuck with this breathing issue for the rest of my life. I am 100% convinced this is NOT caused by anxiety, I believe it is a physical condition. Upping my depression medication did nothing. Ativan does nothing. Why? Because it isn’t anxiety! They can’t blame every problem on that one thing. 😑

I go out with Karen today, wonder if she’d be willing to go out of town since there’s fuck all to do here. I can’t visit the same thrift stores every week because there’s nothing really different yet. Also, JoAnne is closing! I’m gonna cry. I guess they must have gone bankrupt like Big Lots. Two of my favourite places. Big Lots is actually re-opening their stores because they got bought out by Roses. If you’ve been to a Roses, you know they’re kind of junky, disorganised and have a lot of what could be described as “crap”. I went into the already reopened Big Lots in Hickory a couple weeks ago and they’d basically turned it into a bigger, shittier Roses. They said they would keep the stores like they were before and have the same stuff. That wasn’t the case. The little dvd/blu ray section of our Big Lots was an absolute treasure trove. I never knew what I would find and would often see things I would never expect to see there and get all excited lol. Big Lots was great 😢

Speaking of Roses….about ten years ago, a brilliant prankster from my little town opened a Facebook event page. It claimed that Fred Durst was going to do a concert at our local Roses. It blew up and about half of us were in on the joke, and the other half was so angry and indignant that anyone would believe Fred Durst was gonna do a concert at a fucking Roses. Those of us who knew what was up were pretending to believe it and acting ridiculous, and when someone would say “you’re stupid for believing that” everyone would tell them they were just jealous they can’t get tickets to see Fred Durst because it was sold out 🥴 A friend of a friend who I wasn’t very fond of was in the comments going off on people for being idiots, and they played her like a dang fiddle, I have never seen anything like it. It just kept flying over her head, over and over. Whoooosh!  I was so impressed I made a typical cryptic post stating that I just witnessed some grade A trolling or something like that. 😂 Roses was getting tons of calls about this and I think it was in the newspaper. I’ll never forget that. I mean, if you’re gonna troll, make it a good one. I do love a good non-harmful prank . I wish I remembered the name of the guy who made the event, I’d buy him a sandwich or something.


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May 20 2025 May 20, 2025 May 20, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Ahhhhh

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I got good news today! I got to see the results of my bloodwork and my a1c is 6.4!!! My diabetes is under control! I wonder what the number has to be for it to go into remission. Should have asked that. Anyhow, that is the lowest my a1c has been since I became diabetic in 2008. I’m not sure how I did it, though! Maybe because I don’t really snack on junk food anymore and have been snacking on tons of grapes instead? I go through bags of grapes really fast lol. I also lost nine fricken pounds!!!! How, I don’t know. When doc weighed me, I said I didn’t want to know because it would just stress me out. When she told me my weight had actually gone down, I asked what it was and it is 213lb. I was totally shocked because I was convinced I had gained a lot. I don’t know, I just feel fatter! I can’t really tell when I lose weight. I don’t understand that at all. If I can get under 200 I’ll be ecstatic. I was thinking of trying intermittent fasting.

Mom had an actual list of things to talk to her about 😆 I asked about the horrible restless leg that never lets up and I got something for that. For my sore tongue, I got folic acid supplements. I also got some vitamin b12. There was plenty more but I’m drawing a blank 😅

After that very productive visit, I went to my dermatologist to check on my scalp for any signs of infection. I asked about something to control the eczema on my scalp and he told me to use that t-sal shampoo. I hate those, so I’m gonna exfoliate once every week. Ever since I exfoliated for the first few times, months ago, it has not been nearly as bad and it’s been quite a while since I last did it. I figured once a week was enough. Exfoliating basically cured it. If I don’t do it for a loooong time, it comes back just a little bit. If I do it regularly I no longer have that problem, which is a weight off my shoulders because I was obsessed with it, always touching my scalp to see how bad it was (and it was bad) and cringing mightily over it. It upset me so much! It had been that way since I first noticed it in 2006. Never got a break from it until this year. Thank God.

As for the breathing issue, it’s been pretty tame today. My doctor sent a request for a chest x-ray. The hospital takes walk ins for that stuff, so I went and did that. Doc will have the results soon. I really hope they don’t find anything bad. Kinda nervous about that.

All in all, this was a VERY productive day. I am pleased with what we got done. Tomorrow I have that darn inspection for which I have to be up by 8:30am. They usually are really fast because there aren’t tons of section 8 apartments in my complex. They don’t have to do that much. After that, my ass is going to bed. I have to wake up again to go see my therapist. I think there’s something else but it’s slipped my mind 🥴 THIS is why mom keeps the huge calendar for everybody’s appointments! We’d be lost without that thing.

I went and got Japanese takeout which was pretty good. They left the tails on my jumbo shrimp though. I didn’t get a steak combo because it was so nasty last time I decided to give it a try. Jumbo shrimp and a side of jumbo shrimp with 2 extra cups of shrimp sauce cost 16$ WTF. I personally think that’s way too much. But what are you gonna do 🤷‍♀️

My eyebrows have been fading a lot since they got lasered. It looks weird. I have my next appointment coming up soon and I don’t have the $200. Not sure what I’m gonna do about that. I have multiple things I have to save for but I am not good at saving money. At all.

One last thing. I am so tired of people using neurodivergence as an excuse to be an assbag. They’ll say something rude and when called out on it, they say they’re neurodivergent like that makes it okay and they don’t have apologise for being a jerk. That really gets under my skin. 🙄 This specific incident was on YouTube (because of course it was) and this person was bitching at the YouTuber in a very rude fashion for putting breaks in their videos to allow an “uninterruptive” place for ads, per new YouTube policy for monetisation of videos. She said it “interrupts her thought process” and “induces rage”. Girl, what the fuck do you do when an actual advert comes on? Do you go crazy or what? YouTube has once again made a stupid new policy that makes it more difficult for monetised creators. The YouTuber has explained it a billion times both in her videos and in the comments section. Do some people just not pay attention or what? This person just acted like a total jerk and used neurodivergence as an excuse, and when someone told her she was being a jerk, she called THEM a jerk! 😂 oh lort….some people…


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May 19 2025 May 19, 2025 May 19, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Ugh…I have a two consecutive days with two appointments each day. It just came together that way. I’m already a little overwhelmed thinking about it, especially since one of them is at 9am. I think I wrote a while back about why I hate early mornings. I have an appointment with my therapist too. I don’t really know what to talk to her about since she didn’t seem to understand last time. Although I haven’t had much anxiety at all (Thank you Lord) since I got my sign from God, I still have other problems, you know? I haven’t felt suicidal or anything since. I hope that stays in the past as well. I guess I really want to talk about things like motivation, being more independent from mom, getting a car and getting over my paranoia about driving, etc. I also need to ask her questions about emotional support animals and the laws surrounding them.

I have another inspection on Wednesday I think. One of the Section 8 guys is coming. I kind of want Mr Scaredy Cat, because him being afraid of Oscar was hilarious, I kind of want to see that reaction again 😂 Is that mean of me? Lol. I also kind of hope the other guy comes because he was interested about the things I have in my home and we had a decent conversation. Unfortunately, it’s in the early morning and I have to be up, I guess so Oscar can’t viciously maul anyone and eat their eyeballs from their sockets 😆

Speaking of cats, there’s a girl I found on YouTube who works at a big cat sanctuary and she just casually boops their noses (danger boops, as she calls them) and just rubs them and interacts with these huge animals like they’re ordinary house cats. To be fair, that’s kind of how they act! Big house cats! I know they’re wild animals at heart and I have no idea if they were born and raised in captivity or not. Sometimes I worry she’s gonna get ripped to shreds but at the same time I’m insanely jealous! I always wanted to chill with animals like that. Make a deep connection and be their “friend”, or the animal equivalent to a friend anyhow. Big cats especially. I would love to hang with a serval or a lynx, maybe even a puma. Then maybe I’d try lions and tigers 😂 I heard cheetahs take very well to humans if raised and cared for properly in a sanctuary. I saw a video on KodKods, which are a species of cat from South America, in Chile I think. They’re one of the smallest cats in the world. They are precious and adorable but a lot of people have a bad opinion of them and see them as pests ☹️ Look up KodKod on YouTube and see how cute they are. I think the smallest cat in the world is the Israeli Sand Cat which lives in the desert, but I could be wrong. They are super cute as well.

I got my “I need about tree fiddy” shirt, and I think my Return of the Living Dead shirt came today but I haven’t opened it yet.

I wish I could watch a movie but I’d definitely fall asleep. I’m asking for the Provigil again or something like it. This is stupid! 😑 The only thing Vyvance (I am certainly still spelling that wrong) does is stop me from passing out every time I ride in a car, which is great but I need more! I come home every day, watch maybe one hour long show, then I must take a stupidly long nap which kind of ruins my night. If I try to get up before it’s “completed”, I feel crappy and have to lie back down and nap more. I can’t take short naps for some reason, it has to be an entire rest. Other than that, when I go to bed at 6am, I don’t sleep any longer than most people do. I get about 7 hours or a bit less. Tired of people conflating sleeping a normal amount of time during the morning and early afternoon with laziness. Sorry, I feel like I have to say that every time I mention my sleep schedule, because people are such stuffy assholes. Some people need to realise that others being on different schedules than they are is a thing! Ahem. Tangent detected. I’ll stop now 🥴

Well…my breathing has calmed as much as it’s going to. I don’t think I have anything else to say 😅


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May 17 2025 May 17, 2025 May 17, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Jeez.

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I had a spectacular meltdown this afternoon. It was a sight to behold. Triggered by mom, as most of them are. I got overwhelmed REALLY fast and asked her to stop the thing she was doing because I could feel it coming. The rumble zone. After 40 years of having an autistic daughter, you would think she’d know more about meltdowns but she does not. She actually said she knows all about them because she’s SEEN lots of them. I dunno, maybe you could google that shit and learn the potential triggers, and learn what to do and what to absolutely not do during a meltdown. And then maybe have a conversation with both me and my therapist about it and maybe even ask me what usually triggers them. I mean, that’s what I’d do if I was a neurotypical with an autistic kid. I’d want to know all I could to prevent that as much as someone can prevent it, even though that isn’t always possible…meltdowns ARE gonna happen regardless. She thinks meltdowns are hard on HER, imagine how hard they are on me!!! They take everything out of me! I sweat like a mofo! I hurt myself during! Then she had the nerve to make a snarky comment about my hand flapping. How the fuck do you raise an autistic person for 40 years and NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HAND FLAPPING OR STIMMING!?!? She doesn’t know that it helps with emotional regulation and anxiety, not to mention horrible amounts of pent up energy that comes with it. How has she gone this long without knowing this basic shit??? I came down from it and was both relieved and angry. I’m still recovering! I texted her a bunch of sites about what meltdowns are, and a general guide to handling them, as well as what NOT to do when someone is having one. And another on fucking hand flapping in general as a way of stimming and also why someone might do it during a meltdown, because she seems to think it’s something to snark about or make derogatory comments about. That was not fucking cool at all. I get a bit violent during meltdowns and thrash around wildly, punch whatever is in the vicinity and hit myself in the face and legs. That could have been her!!! I was focused on the other direction and myself. I was super violent as a child up until the age of….13 maybe. I beat the shit out of everyone in my path during meltdowns. Of course I was undiagnosed and no one had any idea what a meltdown even was. They just assumed I was a bad kid. They tried to institutionalise me in grade 7 but I put up a hell of a fight. They wound up not going through with it. The meltdowns calmed over the next couple of years. By the time I was 14, I was barely having any. I had a great high-functioning run from 14-19. Early twenties? That shit came back with a vengeance. I wasn’t usually violent towards anyone else but once in a while someone got grazed.

I have been easily overwhelmed lately, don’t know why. I guess I just go through periods of oversensitivity to being overstimulated. I was in the grocery store with mom last week and wound up surrounded by people somehow. I stood there like a statue and said “please help, I am overwhelmed and can’t move.” She didn’t hear me so I just stood there like a lemon. It seems like things are getting a little worse autism-wise. ☹️ I wish to God there was a treatment. Please God, send me a miracle. I wish I wasn’t born with this burden. Because that’s exactly what it is. A burden on my SOUL.

Sorry I’m just angry about all of it…I’m always like this after a meltdown. I get angry and miserable about being born with autism. I can’t help but lament and loathe it. It’s a huge reminder of what’s wrong with me. Sometimes it’s too much to handle. Other people think autistic people are hard to deal with, imagine how some of us feel. We’re the ones who don’t do the autism pride stuff. We don’t tell everyone around us that we’re neurodivergent unless there’s a reason they need to know. We hope people don’t notice. Fat chance 😂 lol

I feel so misunderstood by everyone around me, everyone I’m related to, and people I called friends, and I don’t think even mental health professionals understand sometimes. My therapist sometimes doesn’t get it which I find odd. The people at ACA (the supervisors and stuff) don’t seem like they were trained for the most common problems their clients might have (autism, schizophrenia, mmr/mr, etc) and I just find that weird. I do not feel understood by my parents. Dad doesn’t show a lot of emotion towards me. I get along with him great, but when it comes to autism, ocd, whatever, he’s silent. If I were to cry in front of him, like I did on my birthday, he sat there and acted like nothing was happening. So while we get along great, he is not someone I can talk to about that stuff. I don’t expect him to change so I don’t push the matter. Mom is just…I don’t know lol. She’s got to get in her snarky passive aggressive remarks no matter what and also makes herself the poor put-upon victim after she’s done something wrong. I don’t know how to deal with that! It usually starts an argument. ☹️ Lately we’ve been getting on really well, but today was the exception. She has got to stop pushing me in certain ways because that is an obvious trigger but she never learns this. 🤷‍♀️ I tell her when I’m feeling distressed and can feel one coming, aka the rumble stage, but she pays no mind to anything I say. *sigh* Seriously, fuck autism. Some people, if anyone actually read this blog, would get all offended by that, but I’m an autistic person and that’s how I fucking feel about it. That is MY experience. Go suck an egg lol

I needed to vent that out, my God. I was about to explode.

Also, I think my post from yesterday (or maybe the day before, not sure) disappeared! It’s not there anymore, not in the drafts or anything. Feels like I’m taking crazy pills. 🥴. I forgot to check the trash. Maybe it’s in there.

I prayed hard for God to send me a best friend. Someone I’m meant to meet. Someone who won’t judge, harass, criticise constantly, lie and go back on promises they made, disrespect my privacy, or freaking hit me for absolutely no good reason. That’s something I want the most. A best friend. I don’t think I ever really had one in my life because they inspired that list of nonsense I just made. Total toxicity. Basically abuse. Gaslighting. Acting superior. I’m not going to put up with that ever again because they made me feel like garbage. I want a friend that will uplift me instead of beating me down and making me feel stupid and embarrassed. I want to do the same thing for that hypothetical friend. I pray they pop up at some point in time because I really need that…I need a true friend. I don’t care what they look like or how they dress, male or female, fat or thin, what race they are, what music they listen to, what religion they follow or don’t, whatever. It would be cool if they liked horror movies though haha 😆

Ah well….my breathing was super wacky after I got home and while I was eating….this calmed it down thank God.

Also could someone please punch me in the puss SUPER HARD when I say I’m getting McDonalds? Because that’s what I did today. I need to be pimp slapped every time. Keep that pimp hand strong! Cuz I’m gonna need it!  I don’t want to ruin myself but it’s just the most convenient and there’s not much else. 😐

I just want to say, once again, that this iPhone keyboard  is the devil. Hate it. The autocorrect is absurd.


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May 14 2025 May 14, 2025 May 14, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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My breathing problem is worse today than it was when it first started happening. I’m glad I have a doctors visit soon. Something’s got to be done about this. I’m just…exhausted. Combine that with terrible allergies…I feel bad for complaining about other stuff because of the blessing I received from God pertaining to my terrible anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I just feel bad, like I shouldn’t complain because I was given that relief. I simply don’t feel well because of the breathing thing. It’s hard to deal with every day, and the only thing that gets it back to normal is writing something. I have to be intently focused on something. Watching tv doesn’t work because I’m not engrossed enough. I think it’s because I’m doing something physical, like typing. The problem is, when I eventually have to get up and do something, it starts again. I can’t just sit around making blog posts all night, I’ve already run out of things to say! I don’t know exactly what to do other than pray about it and also hope my doctor can send me to a specialist. Mom says she’s going to ask for a CT scan before she refers me to someone, so maybe she’ll know more specifically what kind of specialist to send me to. I’m glad mom thought of that, because I definitely wouldn’t have. She’s made a list of things to talk to her about. I am also pretty sure at least one of my toes is fractured 😅 I kind of did that to myself. The anxiety really got bad for a while because of the breathing problem and when I get sick (or just feel really bad) I abuse the hell out of my right foot. I don’t know why! I flex and squish my toes and dig them into things. When I had Covid the first time, it actually felt really good to do that. I have a low pain tolerance, so wtf? It’s like that pain felt good somehow and I don’t get that 0_o I don’t like pain. I’m not a masochist. But something about doing that with my foot….freaks me out. I don’t enjoy the after effects though. Lately I randomly cry out in pain because my toe sends a wicked pain up my foot, almost like an electric shock. It hurts really bad. I’m flexing and bending my toes as I write this. It’s a compulsion I can’t get rid of. I also have terrible restless leg in my right leg every night which makes the whole thing worse because I can’t stop moving it! I’ve tried the intense  stretches I’ve always done to ease it but those don’t seem to work anymore. It keeps me awake. There has got to be a way to treat that. Ramble ramble ramble.

I had to cancel all my plans today because I would have only gotten about two hours of sleep and can’t function that way. I was supposed to have bloodwork and go out with Kellie. I feel a little bummed about it, but I did have a nice afternoon with mom after I got some sleep. I have to do the bloodwork tomorrow. I also go out with Karen tomorrow so I hope I can get some decent sleep. I had been falling asleep pretty fast for a few mornings but my leg said “not today, bitch!” Haha.

Oscar is nuts. Coocoo bonkers. I know I’ve said that a few million times, but today when I took a shower, I shut him up in the chill room so he wouldn’t piss in my laundry basket. He decided to jump up on the dresser and knock a whole bunch of my jewellery off. He’s also now drinking from the brita filter several times a day. He begs me or mom (whoever’s in the kitchen) and we  feel bad and turn it on for him. I’m rewarding bad behaviour but I love him so much and don’t want to deny him things that obviously make him happy. I don’t know how many years I have left with him since he’s already an old boy. I want to make his senior years the best they can be, you know? I think everyone wants that for their beloved critters. I just don’t want him to get any crazier 😂

I got the pretzel crust cheese sauce pizza from little Caesar’s today for dinner and could only eat two slices. I also got some crazy bread and ate a few of those. I refused to get McDonalds again. The pretzel crust is my favourite thing about it but little caesars only seems to bring that particular pizza back every 30 years or so. I waited years to get it again. It’s like McDonalds bringing back the McRib and then yanking it away again 😭

I do wish I’d have been able to get up and go out with Kellie today. I’m feeling more regretful than earlier. I really wanted to go to Goodwill. I love talking with mom these days (for the most part haha, we still have minor tiffs once in a while) so the day wasn’t entirely lost. 🤗

Edit: okay I’m gonna cry. I got an email from Experian saying my credit score INCREASED. I go to the capital one app to check how much it increased, and it had freaking gone down 22 points to 690!!! My credit is “average” again 😑 In the Experian app, it’s 693 and described as “good”. I don’t know which to believe. I’m so disappointed, I don’t know what I did wrong. Why was I told that it increased? Ugh I hate this. “Average” is not good enough for me. I want it to be GOOD. Maybe even Excellent someday in the future.

This really bothers me too much…it’s not actually a bad score. It’s just that I finally got it over 700. I was so excited. 😞 22 points. What did I DO?


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May 13 2025 May 13, 2025 May 13, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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McDonalds…again. For convenience. “Convenience” is going to make me fat(ter) again. 😑 I need to find a good alternative. There’s nothing for takeout except fast food here! Makes me even angrier at the new management of China King for completely changing their buffet and getting rid of everything I liked. It was my go to. Maybe I should start making my own dinner again, it would save money and to an extent, my health. Most of the food I have at my place is not particularly healthy, but it ain’t fast food. Also, I haven’t been feeling like I want to eat what food I have here. I don’t know…maybe I’ll just eat almost nothing like I did before 🤷‍♀️ I was getting well under 1000 calories a day and lost 30lb. Sometimes I straight up forgot to eat at all 0_o I wish the Ozempic would start working again, because it hasn’t been doing jack for quite a while. I’m at the highest dose. I need to try another one. My doctor tried to prescribe me a different one, but Medicaid refused it. Fun fact, Medicaid and Medicare also have a weird vendetta against prescription eye drops for serious eye conditions and feminine lady parts medication! 🧐 They do not want to approve those things for reasons unknown. Mom has thyroid eye disease and glaucoma and needs these very important eye drops that cost around $350 and Medicare said “nope”! In the end, she got them to approve it, but she still has to pay a chunk of it herself. You have to call and harangue them until they cave 😅 Most people don’t bother to do that, but mom sure as shit will!

Still trying to get the contact info of the guy that breeds golden retrievers. Kellie forgot it but said her husband might have it somewhere. I think she forgot to ask him lol. I see her tomorrow so I’ll ask again. I really need to know how much money I need to save. I don’t know what that breed typically costs. It’s not a specialty breed like a golden doodle, and they’re not an uncommon breed at all. It shouldn’t be THAT bad, right? I’m guessing about $200-300 but I could be way off. I hope I’m not. If I can’t get this dude’s contact info, I guess I’ll have to find someone else reputable that doesn’t run an unethical puppy mill business.

Everyone says “adopt, don’t shop” and that’s what I did with Oscar. However, a golden retriever is my dream dog, I have wanted one since I was a kid. I love them so much and I will have my own soon-ish. Oscar will have a sister to love and play with, and I strongly believe we will all benefit from it ☺️ And yes, I intend on getting a female which is a bit unusual for me, because my animals have always been male. Dad’s dog Lucy is (obviously) female and I love her to bits. I thought having a female for once would be a nice change.

I got a shirt on Etsy that says “I need about tree fiddy” 😂 Damn Loch Ness monster!!


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May 12 2025 May 12, 2025 May 12, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I’m really enjoying this break from the hot weather. It’s all rain though, and I’m not fond of getting damp when I go out. No, I don’t have an umbrella because…reasons. Better than hot humid weather. I’m not built for it. I had heatstroke multiple times as a child and don’t feel like doing that again 😅 I wish I could have one of those Botox shots in my armpits that stop sweating for 6 months to a year. It’s hella expensive, but I’d totally do it. Sweaty, smelly armpits harsh my buzz. I wonder if you can get Botox shots to prevent summer swamp ass…

I’m really thanking God for giving me relief from some of my biggest stressors. I haven’t had self harm and suicidal thoughts since I got the sign I asked for. I can’t seem to feel the anxiety and stress anymore. I guess I could feel anxiety over other things, but I really haven’t had that tested. It’s really a miracle. In some ways, I do feel a little bit unsure of how I’m feeling because I have never had peace in my life and I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like. I’m having to adjust a little. I know that sounds strange but I am not accustomed to NOT feeling awful.

I might have had a good run from ages 14-19, but I don’t remember if I felt actual peace even back then. I was still mentally ill. I know I was able to feel happy, however. That all went away when I was 19, in late February of 2005. I had a major panic attack for literally no apparent reason, and I think it flipped some kind of switch in my brain, or blew a fuse. I don’t know. I wasn’t able to feel positive emotions for many years after. Only negative ones. And boy, were they negative. Constant panic attacks, delusions, hallucinations….I don’t know how I got through it alive. A lot of people would have ended themselves, it was that bad. I genuinely thought I was schizophrenic! My cousin was, and I was always scared I’d develop it in my 20s. Psychiatrist said I wasn’t. My positive emotions started coming back after maybe 6 or 7 years. They were very blunted though, probably the medications I took. Or maybe my brain was trying to heal itself. I really haven’t a clue. My autism went waaaay downhill as well. I used to be independent. I didn’t need my mom all the time. I would go out in my own car, go grocery shopping, do other stuff, and pick up dinner. I was probably 19 or 20 when I was able to do that stuff.

I am praying for God to heal me, so maybe I can do those things again and don’t have to depend on anyone so much. I mean, I’ll never NOT be autistic, but I would be so so so grateful to be more high-functioning. I will pray and work on things. I really need to work on my fear of driving. I’m not necessarily afraid I’ll wreck, rather I’m terrified of hitting and killing a pedestrian or an animal. A family friend had that happen to him (Killed a road worker but it was not his fault. People were spreading rumours he was drunk. He was not.) He was never the same after that and never drove again. Seeing that happen made me even more afraid. I’ve been totally blinded by lights at night (like he was) and actually hit a car! It’s easy to get blinded by road construction lights at night and a bunch of friggin COP CARS with their friggin lights on at the same time. Bright as the sun. That’s what got me. I wish I could get an old $1500 junker that would get me from point A to point B and I could just start driving again like a normal person!! Tired of being dependent…maybe my newfound faith can help me with these things. Encourage me. I’m such a chicken butt though 😭 I don’t know how to get past that!

Geez…maybe I need counselling for that specifically.

Another day of wacky breathing. Once again, writing calmed it down, but it will probably start again when I move. I’m going to my doctor for it again. My psychiatrist upping one of my depression meds did nothing to help. I think my doctor needs to refer me to a specialist. I do not think it’s anxiety anymore. Anxiety can make it worse, but I don’t believe it’s the direct cause. I have been feeling perfectly calm, no real signs of anxiety, yet it still happens, every day. It was better for a few weeks as it didn’t start up anytime I did something besides friggin sit…now it’s back to how it was in the beginning. I don’t think it’s just gonna go away. I’m so scared of copd, lung cancer, and anything similar. That’s one of my worst nightmares. I had a longtime friend pass away from lung cancer. (RIP Nisé, and fuck cancer.) I really don’t want to experience that myself. I think one in every four people have some kind of cancer in their lifetime. Mom had it, her dad (my pawpaw) had it, great grandma had pancreatic cancer which is fricken terrifying…don’t know about dad’s side.

I’m paranoid lol. I’m kind of a pessimist, always have been, so I always think of the worst case scenarios. 😅

Anyhoo….I rambled. Yup. 😬


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