Just had a cry-fest on the phone with mom about my health.
Super depressing, so it’s under a cut.
I just realised I was drinking from a very mouldy water bottle, and I’m really scared of mold because I know what it’s capable of doing to the human body and mind. I kind of freaked out when I saw it. I have been drinking from that bottle for months. Then I thought that it could have something to do with the breathing problem and cognitive problems I’ve been experiencing. It terrified me. I called mom and told her about the mold and eventually just broke down crying because I’m paranoid and terrified of cognitive decline. I then told her I am scared I have early onset dementia or Alzheimer’s dementia. My memory is so bad and it’s getting worse. I’m losing some of my memories, or at least feel like I am. I forget basic shit. I cried about that and then asked what I am going to do when she’s gone. I said my fear was ending up in a home or something, which would be hell for someone like me who has severe sensory issues, because I could barely stay in there to visit my nanny. I’m so scared of becoming immobile like my nanny did. I’m just scared. I cried about how much I fucking hate autism and I’m just fucking ANGRY that I had to be born with it, because all it did was put a goddamn bullseye on my forehead my entire life. I didn’t get any special talents, only torment at the hands of other people. If there was a cure I’d take it in a heartbeat, fuck what the wider autism community thinks about it. They’re all about “autism pride” but I’m all about “autism has ruined my life”. I cried about how I feel like a loser and a failure because I turn 40 in a couple weeks and I have nothing to show for my life. I haven’t done anything useful and I’ve lived half my fucking life already. I’m useless and don’t know how to do anything. I cried about how I hate myself. About how I feel like self-harming and how I’m a burden on her and how it would better if I wasn’t here. I cried about how I have an explosive anger problem and that don’t know WHY I’m that way and I would do anything to change it, but I don’t know what I can do! I cried about how I just flat out hate myself and my life and that I really have nothing going for me. I cried about how I hate being mentally ill and how badly I wish I was a normal, mentally stable person. Long story short, I cried a lot. I just needed my mom. I wish to god she would have come here and gotten me because I should not be alone right now. I didn’t ask because I know she wouldn’t. I thought I was gonna throw up from the sobbing and laboured breathing combined but I didn’t. My breathing has finally calmed down because I focused on writing this. Seems to be a quick fix, but I don’t always have things to write about, so…
Isaac the maintenance guy came while I was in my pajamas and eating Chinese takeout. I struggled to get my robe on to let him in. The first thing I do when I get home is put on pajamas. Always. Anyhow, he fixed my leaky Brita filter as well as the fucked up faucet in the master bathroom. I hate the faucets in this place, the bathroom ones always have black gunk coming out. It’s disgusting. 🤢 I’m hoping they’ll give me new carpet soon (someone else just had theirs replaced) because I hate the carpet too. I’m not a fan of carpet in general unless it’s Berber. I much prefer wood laminate like my parents have in their house. It’s just laminate that looks like wood and it feels good on my feet. I have a lot of sensory shit with my feet, unfortunately. It’s one of the worst parts of my body for that stuff. My feet don’t like carpet. I wish we could do more customisation in our apartments. I would absolutely ditch the carpet. Unfortunately all the units have to be the exact same. No painting or different anything. 🙁 I love it here but I wish some things were different. Wish I could get another cable provider, for one thing. I fucking loathe Compass, they were actually rude to my mom this morning when she was looking for a new provider. They have a monopoly on low income apartment complexes. They made deals with all of them that they would be the only provider tenants can use for tv and internet. They suck, but they’re allowed to suck because no one can escape them unless they don’t want tv or internet. Fuck Compass and their shitty, malfunctioning cable boxes, seriously. I’ll never be free from them unless I were to get my own house. Mighty expensive for an inferior product. 😑 that turned into a rant…lol
Anyhow…. I’m gonna have to find another 62oz water bottle. I’d rather it be metal. Stainless steel or whatever. It would be easier to clean than the one I have, because if I were to put the plastic one in the dishwasher, it would shrink. I need a few of them. Guess I’ll check Amazon.