Month: February 2025

Feb 13 2025 February 13, 2025 February 24, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I napped for four fucking hours tonight, from around 8pm to 12:30am. I think I need a bigger dose of Vivance.

I made an image to use in the layout of Endymion.nu and I just don’t know how to implement it. I really suck at this. I’m not as creative as some people I guess.

Im paying a friend to make buttons for the site because I’m lazy and yeah 😅

I moved windsprite.nu to leprd.space’s hosting today. It was actually a pain in the ass. I forgot there was a WordPress installation in there and when I realised it, I deleted the folder and it took the longest time while I needed to do other things but couldn’t because ftp was busy deleting. I also deleted the contents of windsprite off the previous hosts server and the stupid wp installation took equally as fucking long to delete. I had two going at once. It was hard to get rid of. I had no idea WordPress had that many freaking files!! Of course that was with themes and plugins, but still. I miss Greymatter. Anyone out there remember that? It was so simple and an easy to customise blogging platform that you could easily install on your own site. I would make my own layouts for my blog and have it up and running in a snap. Of course that was back in 2003-5. It’s wayyyy too outdated now. I doubt it’s been supported by its creator in at least 15 years. It’s a shame, I’d love to have been able to use it again due to its simplicity. I don’t believe it required even a database, but I could be wrong.

I had my doctors appointment today and I’m down two pounds and my a1c has gone down. So that’s something.


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Feb 12 2025 February 12, 2025 February 12, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I was stressed today, so mom took me to the BBQ place and we ate river chips 😀 That usually makes me feel better. Had to take an extra Ativan anyways! I was hot and shaky and my pulse was racing. Don’t know what that was about.

I got my package from KILLSTAR today, I remember one thing that’s in it but forgot the other! Brilliant! I have yet to open it and try stuff on. I didn’t feel like it I guess. I’m really afraid the pants won’t be high waisted enough. That’s the only kind of pants I’ll wear because I’ll be DAMNED if my fat hangs over the top of my pants. Absolutely not. Gotta tuck it in. That’s also why I invested in a (shitty, I need a different one) belt.

I also got the last Temu package I ordered at the beginning of the month. I got two belts in that one as well as the “memento mori” sticker I’ve been waiting for. It’s going on my new phone case, which seems to have disappeared. Damnit. Still waiting for that replacement pop socket too. It hasn’t shipped or anything. I understand that it’s handmade but it feels like I ordered it a while ago.

http://endymion.nu is up and running! As you can see, it’s pretty ugly at the moment and has no layout. I did too much tonight and didn’t feel like making one. I uploaded all the fanlistings, installed enthusiast (all by myself!! Yay), added them all into enth, edited the config files for each one to reflect the changes and sent in thirty six moved forms. So yeah, was kind of burnt out after that. I’m going to attempt a decent one myself, but if that doesn’t go well I’m considering asking a friend if I could commission one from her. I don’t know if she takes commissions or not. One of her recent BSSM fl layouts enamoured me for some reason. Very simple and elegant. That’s what I’m going for. I wish my coding was better. I’ve been making websites for 25 years and never really learned how to code WELL. By that, I mean it’s messy and I never use headers, footers or most importantly, stylesheets. All because I’m lazy and just slap it in there. Also, stylesheets tend to confuse me just a little bit. I understand perfectly how they work, I’m just not good at making them.

I think my host is definitely mad at me; she hasn’t answered any of my emails. That really upsets me. I understand that I can be annoying but….damn. I still have to move windsprite to leprd.space. That’s where I have most of my sites hosted. It’s kind of funny, I almost never have to bother that host. Probably because I have almost complete control over my own stuff via cPanel.

Listening to: This Ascension – Mysterium


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Feb 11 2025 February 11, 2025 February 11, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Being simultaneously bored and nervous sucks. I kind of ran out of things to watch. It’s 3am and I’m already itching to get out of here. I hate feeling like this, I want to enjoy being in the place I call home, but I can’t. I don’t know if it’s mental or what, but every time I walk in here from being out, I feel nauseous and anxious. I can’t explain that. It makes zero sense.

Endymion.nu is finally active but I guess the dns hasn’t resolved yet. I want to get in there and fix stuff up and attempt to install enth myself. I always mess it up though. Might have to ask for help…again. 😑 I don’t want to bother the person who usually helps me with that stuff though. So I’ll give it a go. God I hate installing those things!

I really need to talk to my therapist. I don’t remember when my next appointment is. I don’t even want to think where my mind would be at if I hadn’t changed my medications back and started the Vivance. That would be bad. Very bad. I’d OD on Ativan, probably.


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Feb 10 2025 February 10, 2025 February 10, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I apparently broke a big rule at TFL. They sent me an email and I fixed the problem quickly. The rule is not to use a JavaScript auto update thing, which I wasn’t. I had used a php script that allowed me to change the update dates on all my fls at once, but I did it by hand so I didn’t think it was breaking any rules. I’m praying they don’t post it on the front updates page and humiliate me, because fanlistings are one of my favourite hobbies and I would have to quit. I had to take an extra ativan. I am so nervous over everything. That, and I have an apartment inspection tomorrow. I also have a doctors appointment Wednesday as a follow up to my bloodwork, and I don’t know what she’s going to say. It’s all too much.

I got my California Deathrock photo book and it’s really pretty. I also got my mesh shirt from hot topic. I’m gonna try it out with a black tank top. I don’t think I’ll feel too exposed but we’ll see…

I bought Endymion.nu and have uploaded all my animanga related fanlistings to it, as well as a copy of enth. I have to wait for the stupid domain to become active, it’s still pending at stablehost. They do that to check for fraud. I need to get this done asap. I sent tafl a downtime form so I shouldn’t get in any trouble for that. But who knows, all I ever seem to do anymore is get in trouble in some way. *sigh*

Edit: just emailed my host (one of the senior staff that emailed me about my fuckup *groans*) and let her know that it would be best if I hosted windsprite.nu on my own because I bother her too much about it, but that I want to keep my Serena.anime.nu subdomain and make it something nostalgic and enjoyable.

I just feel like one big shitshow right now and genuinely pray no one’s really mad at me. I can’t deal with people being mad at me, it makes me a nervous wreck. I always feel like a burden who annoys everyone and I can’t seem to do anything right. Another thing I find annoying about myself is that I’m constantly apologising about literally everything I do. It annoys me and I don’t know why I always do that, I guess I just feel like I shouldn’t even be talking to that person because I’m probably annoying them in some fashion. Reading back on some of the emails I’ve sent is embarrassing. I’m sorry for this im sorry for that, sorry to bother. I’ve got to stop that but my self esteem is in the toilet and I don’t know how to fix it. I need to talk to my therapist about this.

Oh, and she basically confirmed body dysmorphia last time I was there…so I can stop thinking I’m crazy about that. What’s wrong with me has a name, and for that I’m glad. I’m not just some vain nut job. Other people have the same problem. I’m not totally alone.


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Feb 09 2025 February 9, 2025 February 10, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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One of my old redirected fanlisting domains went down and I need to hurry up and get the new one for the animanga stuff before I start getting on troubles lists, especially on tafl. Why do I stress over this, it’s just fanlistings. I don’t want to lose any, I guess.

I’ve been feeling a little better since my last medication change. I still don’t feel that Vivance keeps me awake as long as provigil. I will take that up with my psychiatrist when I next see her. Unlike most people, I do not like naps. Especially at the times I tend to need them.

Apartment inspection is Tuesday. My place is messy but I’m getting there.


Feb 07 2025 February 7, 2025 February 7, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Since I can’t seem to install NinjaLinks on gothic.nu, I’m testing a WP plugin on this blog before I go ahead and install WP there. It’s…confusing. I wish NinjaLinks would just fucking work! It’s supposed to be an updated version 😑 I hate php scripts, they always give me grief. Always have to have a friend install them for me because I undoubtedly will miss some silly detail and it will fail. Bleh. I wish things were more straightforward and user friendly for us dummies.

Domains. I’m now trying to choose between Endymion.nu and usagi.nu. I decided I didn’t want to pay for another .am domain. I might still get crystaltokyo.org and do something with it as I mentioned before. Usagi.nu is almost too good to pass up. I don’t know yet.

And geisha.nu? I….I’m not sure I like the name anymore. Someone just slap me, please. I’m insane. I dread to ask my host to change it back to windsprite 😅 I’ve asked her to do so much shit and she’s so nice about it and I really do not want to annoy her! I feel like a burden sometimes 🙁 Windsprite has been established since 2022 I think. People know it. My personal contact form is there. Why do I need to change things so often? It’s like a weird impulse.

Went out with Bobbie at 10 and had a good time but got horribly overstimulated somehow. I had to take half an Ativan lol. I finally got up the courage to go to Eccentric Lion (tattoo and piercing place) and ask about their pricing, but there was no one there even though the open sign was flashing. Odd. I was actually kind of relieved because I like the place in hickory better. I know for a fact it’s sanitary and there’s no pretentiousness that I picked up on when I was there. I felt comfortable. I’m going there next week to ask some questions.

Edit: I sent my host the email and cringed all the way through it. I figured I’d just go ahead and rip the bandaid off. Oh it makes me so nervous!! I hope she’s not going to be mad at me.

Better take the other half of that Ativan…


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Feb 05 2025 February 5, 2025 February 5, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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About the domain, the two friends I asked said different ones lol. I’m back where I started. I am leaning towards Endymion.am, but I also like crystaltokyo.org and wonder if I could find something to do with it aside from fanlistings.

I had a 90 minute eye appointment today and talked to them about contacts. Medicaid does not cover anything about contacts and a pack is probably about $30 or thereabouts. The problem is the cost of the fitting. That will be about $100-150. I had contacts when I was about 16 and I don’t remember any of that kind of cost. I’m still gonna pay it, I refuse to wear glasses again. I’m so sick of them. If I could get silhouettes or silhouette knockoffs I would be more open to it. I have a pair of ollllld silhouettes and wondered how much lenses would cost. I asked and they would be over $200. My silhouettes are almost invisible on my face. That’s why I liked them. I absolutely despise rims.

I am so worried about Oscar. I think he’s sick. His nose now has hard places and is not usually cold and wet like it should be. I don’t know if he’s depressed or it’s something physical. He’s going to the vet next month when I can afford it. I hate to leave him hanging that long. I’m very worried and nervous the vet will say something unpleasant. I love my cat. He’s my baby. If something happens to him….I don’t know what I’d do.


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Feb 05 2025 February 5, 2025 February 5, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I checked my bank app and am now only $11 in the red. There are mysteriously no more pending charges. I hope that means nothing more will come out. You tell me that isn’t fucking weird. Something is glitching for sure.

Why do I have so many appointments this week? I have two today. I have to be vampired (aka bloodwork) and I have an appointment with the eye doctor. I’m hoping they’ll look into contacts for me. I also want to know why the vision in my right eye is getting slightly worse again.

Edit: Just spent 20+ minutes of my life applying for the three 90s Sailor Moon movies (R, S, sS) and I have never felt so stupid, each movie has like three titles!! I didn’t know which order to put them in. Let’s hope the category staffer doesn’t get too annoyed with me, because I just got on the troubles list for a fanlisting I wasn’t able to finish in time. Please don’t turn down my applications, I spent too long applying for them! 😭

I sincerely regret adopting out my Sailor Cosmos fanlisting too. Like, really. At least I still have my Artemis fl!

I need to get my cat something to engage him for when I’m out or asleep. I think he might be a little depressed or something. I don’t know what he would want to play with or what could possibly entertain him.

Edit 2: So I’ve just emailed two friends asking whether they like crystaltokyo.org or Endymion.am better. I hope they both say the same one, that would make it so much easier!


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Feb 04 2025 February 4, 2025 February 4, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Thank fuck the power is back on.

I am now $45 in the red and it’s going to get worse. Mom said we’d do something about it. What, I don’t know. I have been severely bamboozled. The worst bamboozlement. Mom said I should add and subtract what I buy and pay on paper. That always seemed tedious to me and I’m terrible at any sort of math or numbers…but I guess I’ll get out the calculator and try it since I can’t trust the fucking banking app anymore!! 🤬

I decided I’m going to split my fanlistings up into two sites again. Animanga and Japan related on one and everything else at silent.am. I am eyeing the domain crystaltokyo.org when I have money again, because I really wanted a BSSM related domain. I thought of Endymion.am as another BSSM option to match silent.am, but am leaning toward the cheaper one. For now at least. I may wind up springing for endymion.am next month. I don’t fucking know lol. Fickle she is!


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Feb 04 2025 February 4, 2025 April 28, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I took a coat I bought on Etsy to the UPS store and said “I need to send this coat to Pakistan.” and they were speechless. 🤣 Turns out it would cost me about $300. So what the fuck do I do? That’s more than twice what I paid for it. Etsy doesn’t really help when it comes to stuff like that. They just make you contact the seller, who I have been talking to a bit. I sent him a help message. I don’t know what to do about this. There was a huge snafu with my money this month (something that has never happened that I never expected and that may get much worse if it is what I think it is 😖) and Klarna has threatened to resume payments on the coat if I don’t give them tracking information, which I obviously don’t have. I’m panicking. I still can’t believe or even comprehend the money situation, but let’s just say it’s not good. This time I actually can’t blame it on myself. My banking app screwed me. I’ll never be able to fully trust it again.

Also my power went out about 15-20 minutes ago and I’m really worried. It usually comes back on within a couple of minutes. It’s getting darker outside and I’m afraid of the dark. It’s already dark enough in here with the curtains open. Please, please come back on. Please.

Listening to: Nosferatu – Darkness Brings

Appropriate song name…


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