I apparently broke a big rule at TFL. They sent me an email and I fixed the problem quickly. The rule is not to use a JavaScript auto update thing, which I wasn’t. I had used a php script that allowed me to change the update dates on all my fls at once, but I did it by hand so I didn’t think it was breaking any rules. I’m praying they don’t post it on the front updates page and humiliate me, because fanlistings are one of my favourite hobbies and I would have to quit. I had to take an extra ativan. I am so nervous over everything. That, and I have an apartment inspection tomorrow. I also have a doctors appointment Wednesday as a follow up to my bloodwork, and I don’t know what she’s going to say. It’s all too much.
I got my California Deathrock photo book and it’s really pretty. I also got my mesh shirt from hot topic. I’m gonna try it out with a black tank top. I don’t think I’ll feel too exposed but we’ll see…
I bought Endymion.nu and have uploaded all my animanga related fanlistings to it, as well as a copy of enth. I have to wait for the stupid domain to become active, it’s still pending at stablehost. They do that to check for fraud. I need to get this done asap. I sent tafl a downtime form so I shouldn’t get in any trouble for that. But who knows, all I ever seem to do anymore is get in trouble in some way. *sigh*
Edit: just emailed my host (one of the senior staff that emailed me about my fuckup *groans*) and let her know that it would be best if I hosted windsprite.nu on my own because I bother her too much about it, but that I want to keep my Serena.anime.nu subdomain and make it something nostalgic and enjoyable.
I just feel like one big shitshow right now and genuinely pray no one’s really mad at me. I can’t deal with people being mad at me, it makes me a nervous wreck. I always feel like a burden who annoys everyone and I can’t seem to do anything right. Another thing I find annoying about myself is that I’m constantly apologising about literally everything I do. It annoys me and I don’t know why I always do that, I guess I just feel like I shouldn’t even be talking to that person because I’m probably annoying them in some fashion. Reading back on some of the emails I’ve sent is embarrassing. I’m sorry for this im sorry for that, sorry to bother. I’ve got to stop that but my self esteem is in the toilet and I don’t know how to fix it. I need to talk to my therapist about this.
Oh, and she basically confirmed body dysmorphia last time I was there…so I can stop thinking I’m crazy about that. What’s wrong with me has a name, and for that I’m glad. I’m not just some vain nut job. Other people have the same problem. I’m not totally alone.