Month: January 2025

Jan 13 2025 January 13, 2025 January 13, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I am not making any more payment plans with Affirm or Klarna for the time being. They build up so fast if you don’t pay attention to what you’re spending, which is one of my worst faults. I fully admit I am really bad with money. I discovered $40 I haven’t paid this month which shocked me because I pay that stuff immediately at the beginning of every month or I pay what I owe the rest of the month if it’s a new plan, I don’t wait until it’s due. I don’t want to worry about it later.

I’m an idiot!!

🙁


Jan 13 2025 January 13, 2025 April 28, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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The ice has melted, yay! Ok, mostly. There’s some spots on the road that are pretty bad, but that’s because they’re in the shade. Mom was freaking out the whole way to her house because of a few patches of ice.  😅

Went to the parents and had a nice dinner of Firehouse Subs and watched YouTube videos for a while before I went home.

Today is go out with Karen and have some fun day. Thank god. Bobbie comes Wednesday, I hope. She’s coming at 9:30am 😵‍💫 TOO EARLY. I’m gonna talk to her about doing later times because that fucks up my sleep schedule. Also I want Bobbie to take me to Eccentric Lion and/or the place in Hickory and inquire about a bridge piercing. Tattoo places don’t open until about 11, usually. I want to have some time. Depending on the cost, I might get one that day. I dunno. I got my snakebites done in Asheville, automatically more expensive because it’s a big city, for about $70, and that’s two piercings so in tiny little Valdese just one should be significantly cheaper. Morganton doesn’t have any good tattoo/piercing places, everything looks unsanitary. I went in several and walked right back out. The one I really like is in Hickory, and I can’t remember the name of it 😑 I’ve never been to Eccentric Lion so I’m going to scope out its cleanliness. I am not getting an infection.

I don’t really like going into tattoo shops because I no longer have any facial piercings (they grew together overnight because I had to take them out for a medical procedure…dammit) nor do I have any of my planned tattoos yet. My skin is unmarked, except for my fugly permanent makeup. I feel like everyone is looking at me like “why are you in here?” lol

I am getting an in-person appointment with my psychiatrist to ask what to do about the Provigil, if I should change to another in that family of drugs, or maybe try 150mg instead of 200. Maybe 200 was simply too much for my body to handle. I’ve gone back to 100 in the last few days and it’s been depressing. I just woke up from a four hour nap. I slept from 8pm to midnight. I could not keep my eyes open. I have to nap a ridiculous amount of time when I get home every day again. The only thing 100mg does is keep me from nodding off when I’m out or in the car. That’s better than nothing, but I wanna be NORMAL 😓


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Jan 11 2025 January 11, 2025 January 11, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I got sick first thing this morning. It was disturbing. I’m not going to elaborate but I probably should have gone to the ER. 🙁

I got the ingredients for loaded fries. Steak fries, Monterey Jack (has colby in it but that’s all I can find), bacon bits, and ranch. That’ll be my unhealthy girl dinner. 😁

Edit: Currently making those cheese fries. I will take a pic if they turn out good.

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They were okay, but the cheese hardened up before I could really enjoy it. Next time I’m making a cheese sauce. 🫠

I got my VampireFreaks package yesterday and tried on my dress and fishnets and they actually fit! I’m shocked lol. It’s beautiful and more well made than I expected. I was almost certain I’d have to return or exchange something. With a corset (which has been shipped, yay), the dress will fit even better.

I finally opened all my Temu stuff and they did pretty good! Things seem to fit mostly well, except a beetlejuice sandworm necklace. It looked bigger on the page, but don’t they all. I don’t want to return it but yeah. I haven’t tried on the tights I got yet because I’m lazy. Getting that dress off myself tired me out! It was tight on the arms and that made it really difficult. I’m afraid I’ll accidentally rip it.


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Jan 10 2025 January 10, 2025 January 11, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Well, I got what I wished for…sort of

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I wished for snow and got it. Unfortunately sleet and ice came with it. Kind of ruins the magic, ya know? I’m praying to whatever gods I can think of that my power doesn’t go out. I had to have my uncle drive me home in his big ass truck because I got stranded at my parents. 😅 Thanks, uncle!

Lordy I got sooo much Temu shit in the mail today, as well as some Etsy stuff and my clothes from VampireFreaks! It all decided to come at once when I was expecting one coat from Etsy and one package from Temu. I have a literal pile. I’m still mulling over doing a Temu haul video. Don’t know if I should. I guess I can blur out my face haha. Should I? I don’t have a balaclava so I can’t do the balaclava-sunglasses thing like I was considering. I just don’t want people seeing my face yet.

Edit at 1am: the fucking snow and ice have finally stopped and my power didn’t go out 👍 I hope mom can get over here today.

I should also mention that the scale at my parent’s house says I’ve lost six pounds.

Listening to: Nosferatu – The Wiccaman


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Jan 10 2025 January 10, 2025 January 10, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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JFC!! I felt pretty bad this afternoon and I thought it was either the unhealthy food or taking my pills a couple hours late, which isn’t usually a big deal. It takes a little longer than that to make me feel really bad. I think it’s the 200mg of provigil, which makes me feel hopeless because it wasn’t until I started taking the 2nd 100mg pill that I was able to stay awake. Is that all going to be taken away from me now? I don’t think I can take the 2nd pill anymore. I’m not going to take it tomorrow and see what happens.

I took half an Ativan and laid down. I realised I needed a nap and fell asleep. I just woke up about 20 minutes ago (midnight) and I feel so anxious like I’m buzzing inside. That’s the only way to describe it. Buzzing, trembling and shaking. I just took the other half of that Ativan and feel maybe a tiny bit better but….what the fuck was that??? I wonder if there’s another one in that family of drugs I can try that maybe won’t fuck me up and FRY MY CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM…😟

Sigh

I claimed my free mothman plush on Temu just now. It’s so cute! I had also gotten bathroom towels that read “live, laugh, lobotomy” 😆 They’re probably really small though. Eh. I think I got something else with that on it too. Temu is becoming a burdensome addiction 😭 I gotta stop!

I went to the storage building with mom and got the bathroom shelves out, because I asked if I could use them since they’ve been sitting there for years. They sit around/above the toilet. Nothing to nail in or anything, not that the building management would let me do that anyhow. I can put towels or little trinkets and doodads on it. I definitely see some Temu stuff being displayed there, like the “please don’t summon demons in the bathroom” sign I got. *cringes at my obsession with that fucking app*

My Etsy wig dude has finished my wig, and mailed it out yesterday but failed to send me a final picture. I just wanted to make sure the bangs were short enough. If it’s not teased enough I can do that, but I can’t cut bangs. If they’re not short enough, I don’t know who I could go to to get them cut and styled. I’m afraid to use mom’s curling iron because it’s stuck on one heat and she doesn’t know if it’s high or low heat. I was told to use low heat. The wig is synthetic and human hair mixed. I am also scared to brush them. Afraid I’ll rip the hairs out. Like if I want to comb out the teasing to clean it or whatever, how safe is that? Are wigs meant to be brushed like normal hair? I’m a total novice. I have lots of questions.

I think I like blabbering in this silly blog because it calms me down, especially after how I have been feeling yesterday/this morning. It’s boring and that’s okay, because no one has to read it. 👌


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Jan 09 2025 January 9, 2025 January 9, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I’m a little insecure about my teeth since I didn’t always take great care of them, so I bought some 5D teeth lightening powder, that purple stuff that’s supposed to cancel out yellowing. It seemed to have good reviews so I decided to give it a try. If it makes a difference, I’ll get more. *crosses fingers*

I feel awful. I don’t know if it’s because I had a somewhat (read: very) unhealthy lunch or because I didn’t get to take my meds until 5pm because I was out all day. I went to Outback Steakhouse with Karen to take advantage of their lunch deals. I wondered, will I finally get to eat a good, even if really small, steak? The answer is no, no I did not. It tasted and smelled kind of iron-y. Also no one ever understands what “give it to me as rare as you legally can, please.” means.  I don’t know how I can possibly phrase it more clearly. It was medium rare or more. I gave it a try and no ma’am. I got refunded for the steak and just got myself some loaded cheese fries and ranch. That’s one of my favourite things, but it seems to have messed up my stomach. 😅

I believe I’ll leave it up to dad to grill my steaks from now on haha

I tried that Maybelline powder foundation which looked pretty good until I looked at myself in the car mirror with sun shining on my face. I could see every fucking wrinkle, ones I had no idea were there. I slammed it shut and tried to pretend I didn’t see that…😭


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Jan 08 2025 January 8, 2025 January 8, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I was curious and used scalp exfoliant on my face. I probably should not have done that because it feels like it’s gonna itch. I can feel it coming. My face feels smoother though.

I used another exfoliant on my arms and legs. I don’t know if I did it enough. My arms don’t feel any different, maybe I’ll use the scratchy gloves next time.

Why am I talking about this. No one cares 😆

Vampirefreaks is finally shipping the package that I ordered on December 31st. Customer support left me hanging and never answered my last email. I emailed them once again and asked if someone could check on my order. They said it’d be shipped by tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to getting it, the dress is so pretty. I ordered size 2XL/3XL (I don’t know why the sizes are grouped together.) I also got some fishnets with crosses. It’s nice to feel like I can wear dresses and not look like a dude all the time. I’m just really insecure with feminine things but I feel like I’m getting a little better about it. I’m still not showing or emphasising my chest though. I don’t think that’s something I’ll ever choose to do.

Listening to: Nosferatu – The Wiccaman


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Jan 08 2025 January 8, 2025 January 8, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Why is it that every time I enter my apartment after being out, I become nauseous? I’m seriously sick of it. Maybe there’s mold somewhere? This place is really nice and well kept up so I just can’t see that being a possibility, but who knows. I was fine until I walked in the door. Bafflement.

The provigil has kept me awake for the past two afternoons. I’m taking two pills now and I believe it’s giving me bad anxiety in the wee hours of the morning. If I take another Ativan I’m fine. I’m not willing to sleep my afternoons away anymore. I’m just not. If I can control the extra anxiety, then I’m fine.

I saw a heartbreaking police body cam video last night. A 21 year old girl who was obviously very depressed and mentally ill called 911 and said she was about to do something bad, so the police came and tried really hard to de-escalate and talk her down, but this girl had made up her mind, she wanted to die but couldn’t do it herself, so she decided on suicide by cop. She had a knife to give context. You could see her hesitate several times before advancing on the officer, because she knew what was coming if she did that. She knew her probable death was imminent. I know she ended up advancing on the officer and was shot and killed. I could not watch the other half of the video because I was tearing up which turned into being a blubbering mess. That girl must have been in “the pit” as I call it, that pitch black place your mind finds itself in during severe depression. You feel like you can’t get out despite all the attempts at climbing and clawing your way up, just to fall back down. I’m tearing up as I write this because I have been in the pit many times and been hospitalised for it, and it is absolute hell as I’m sure a lot of people know. It was personal and I think that’s why it got me so bad. I cried and I hate crying because I feel like a weakling when I do, I was kind of raised thinking that. I felt so bad for this young girl who thought this was her only way out of depression. It makes me sick to my stomach. She had her whole life ahead of her. THERE IS ALWAYS HELP. I don’t know if anyone actually reads this silly blog, but if you do and are having these sorts of thoughts, please get any help you possibly can. Mental health is a crisis in America and neither party is doing a damn thing to address it. Here is the suicide hotline for anyone who may not know it. You can also chat with them, I think, if you are averse to calling like I am – https://988lifeline.org/

There are two other videos that really upset me since I started watching body cam videos. One was the older lady who called 911 for some reason (don’t remember) and unfortunately got a bad cop to come “help”. She had been boiling water and the cop did or said something she didn’t like so she said something like “I rebuke you in the name of Jesus Christ” and he didn’t like that too much, I think. She was obviously very scared of this man and picked up the pot, and got shot in the head. The cop was an arrogant sob and said something along the lines of “don’t waste your med kit on her” and “crazy old lady” blah blah blah. This was a perfect example of someone who became a cop because he craved power. The other one that got me was a young man who basically did the same thing as the young girl, because he also obviously had severe depression and advanced on the officer with a weapon and was shot and killed. I didn’t blubber my eyes out on that one but it really did upset me. I just didn’t have much context on that one as I did the other two.

I dunno, it just made me so sad. Her name was Daisy.

I was so torn up I made myself macaroni. Pitiful, I know, but I needed some comfort 😅 that’s why it’s called comfort food…

I sent back my beautiful velvet lace-up tights that didn’t fit. I was so disappointed they didn’t have them in a larger size. I loved how they look so much. I hope I did it right. I do want my money back.

I’m going out with Karen tomorrow so I can have a little fun.

Listening to: The Chameleons – A Person Isn’t Safe Anywhere These Days


Jan 07 2025 January 7, 2025 January 7, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Omg that scalp exfoliant is working wonders for the sebhorric dermatitis! I barely had any buildup when I went to wash my hair tonight! I exfoliated again. I don’t know how often I should do it. It also feels really pleasant when rubbing it on my scalp. I need to find something like this for my face and for the rest of my body, especially arms and legs. I bet that would be wonderful. I have never been big on skincare, unfortunately. I need some moisturiser that isn’t tan and gooey. I’m also wanting to get rid of my “strawberry legs”. Exfoliating and shaving with conditioner helps to get rid of that. There’s other stuff, I watched a video about it. I hate shaving my legs, I always cut myself up.

Be careful, people. Temu is a trap. It caught me again with free shit. Just sayin’. 😭


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Jan 06 2025 January 6, 2025 January 7, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Gah!

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I had $6 in my bank account, suddenly I have $25. Impossible. I do not understand what is going on with my money! Can’t use it because it’ll probably go poof all of a sudden. I hate that.

I got one of my free gifts from Temu, a spiderweb mat. I think I’ll put it in front of the tv. It’s surprisingly large!

Speaking of Temu, I was looking around and found the same adorable bat plushie that I’d ordered off Etsy a couple months ago. It was cheap on Temu and the Etsy seller jacked up the price and I was under the notion that seller was making these herself or had designed them and has a manufacturer, and I was seriously impressed and gave her a glowing review. I’m disappointed. I know it’s not illegal to do this, I just think it’s kind of dishonest. I still love my little bat, he’s so soft, silky and squishy. I’m just astonished that it originally came from Temu and I could have paid a lot less. It’s come to the point that if I see something on Etsy that I want, I check Temu first. I want to support independent creators who make and/or design their wares, not resellers. It’s a shame, really! It’s a good business model but I’m not supporting it if I can help it. If I can get it cheap from China instead of all jacked up, I’ll do so 😆 *snorts*

I was considering doing a Goth Temu haul video on YouTube but I don’t want anyone seeing my icky face yet. Sure, I have my face as my avatar in a couple of places but YouTube? People are assholes there. It’s the anonymous effect. People can talk shit behind a keyboard way more easily than face to face because they know someone might knock their slimy trollish teeth out. I just don’t want to be called ugly 1000 times, no one does. Maybe I should wear a balaclava and sunglasses lol. I know a guy who does that. (The guy who wears that is MR SLAV, great channel.)

I’m chatting with the wig maker on Etsy and I’m trying to decide how I want the bangs. I already asked him to cut them a bit shorter because wig bangs are always over my eyes and I don’t trust I can cut them straight myself. I don’t want to ruin a $100 wig because I’m clumsy and have no idea what I’m doing. I’m just letting him do it haha.

My psychiatrist upped my dosage of Provigil to 200mg. I was on 100. Maybe this amount will give me the kick in the pants I need. If not, I reckon I’ll go up to 250mg, if she’s on board with it.

edit: I didn’t nap this afternoon! 😀 maybe this higher dose will really help!

Listening to: Funhouse – Body and Soul


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