Why is it that every time I enter my apartment after being out, I become nauseous? I’m seriously sick of it. Maybe there’s mold somewhere? This place is really nice and well kept up so I just can’t see that being a possibility, but who knows. I was fine until I walked in the door. Bafflement.
The provigil has kept me awake for the past two afternoons. I’m taking two pills now and I believe it’s giving me bad anxiety in the wee hours of the morning. If I take another Ativan I’m fine. I’m not willing to sleep my afternoons away anymore. I’m just not. If I can control the extra anxiety, then I’m fine.
I saw a heartbreaking police body cam video last night. A 21 year old girl who was obviously very depressed and mentally ill called 911 and said she was about to do something bad, so the police came and tried really hard to de-escalate and talk her down, but this girl had made up her mind, she wanted to die but couldn’t do it herself, so she decided on suicide by cop. She had a knife to give context. You could see her hesitate several times before advancing on the officer, because she knew what was coming if she did that. She knew her probable death was imminent. I know she ended up advancing on the officer and was shot and killed. I could not watch the other half of the video because I was tearing up which turned into being a blubbering mess. That girl must have been in “the pit” as I call it, that pitch black place your mind finds itself in during severe depression. You feel like you can’t get out despite all the attempts at climbing and clawing your way up, just to fall back down. I’m tearing up as I write this because I have been in the pit many times and been hospitalised for it, and it is absolute hell as I’m sure a lot of people know. It was personal and I think that’s why it got me so bad. I cried and I hate crying because I feel like a weakling when I do, I was kind of raised thinking that. I felt so bad for this young girl who thought this was her only way out of depression. It makes me sick to my stomach. She had her whole life ahead of her. THERE IS ALWAYS HELP. I don’t know if anyone actually reads this silly blog, but if you do and are having these sorts of thoughts, please get any help you possibly can. Mental health is a crisis in America and neither party is doing a damn thing to address it. Here is the suicide hotline for anyone who may not know it. You can also chat with them, I think, if you are averse to calling like I am – https://988lifeline.org/
There are two other videos that really upset me since I started watching body cam videos. One was the older lady who called 911 for some reason (don’t remember) and unfortunately got a bad cop to come “help”. She had been boiling water and the cop did or said something she didn’t like so she said something like “I rebuke you in the name of Jesus Christ” and he didn’t like that too much, I think. She was obviously very scared of this man and picked up the pot, and got shot in the head. The cop was an arrogant sob and said something along the lines of “don’t waste your med kit on her” and “crazy old lady” blah blah blah. This was a perfect example of someone who became a cop because he craved power. The other one that got me was a young man who basically did the same thing as the young girl, because he also obviously had severe depression and advanced on the officer with a weapon and was shot and killed. I didn’t blubber my eyes out on that one but it really did upset me. I just didn’t have much context on that one as I did the other two.
I dunno, it just made me so sad. Her name was Daisy.
I was so torn up I made myself macaroni. Pitiful, I know, but I needed some comfort 😅 that’s why it’s called comfort food…
I sent back my beautiful velvet lace-up tights that didn’t fit. I was so disappointed they didn’t have them in a larger size. I loved how they look so much. I hope I did it right. I do want my money back.
I’m going out with Karen tomorrow so I can have a little fun.
Listening to: The Chameleons – A Person Isn’t Safe Anywhere These Days