I was watching a video about this man who beat his wife to death on their honeymoon. Of course, a number of the comments were guys saying “ShE pRoBaBlY cHeAtEd On HiM”. There’s no evidence she did, but let’s say she did cheat on him on their honeymoon. Since when is that an excuse to beat someone so badly that they are literally unrecognisable and can’t even be properly embalmed?

I’m not one to throw “incel” around freely but that is some incel behaviour right there. They just hate women because no one will have them, and there’s probably a good reason why. Could be your hygiene, or maybe it’s your shite personality. Who knows! These people need to look inward and try to identify the problem, but they rarely do. They can never take blame or responsibility. It’s always someone else’s fault.

Ugh, that just hit a nerve.

I have two surgeon consultations tomorrow, one after another. We’ll see how much they’re gonna charge. I hope they don’t take too long. Mom can’t be there with me and I’m afraid I’ll somehow mess it up or not understand something and sound totally stupid.

Mom thinks my bipolar is worse since starting the new meds. She says I do things too fast and go from one thing to another really quickly. I don’t know, I haven’t personally noticed anything. She sees it as an outsider so maybe she’s right. I thought that was just my personality, to want to do everything at once because I am impatient.

I also have a consultation on January 7th for my tattoo removal. I want to ask them about filling in a small scar. It is small, but it also really bothers me. Since it is so tiny, maybe it won’t cost too much. It developed literally overnight after I had a bad reaction to my silicone cpap nose mask. It fucked up the whole area around my nose pretty bad. And lo and behold, a scar. Out of nowhere. It’s like a hole in my face. I also want to ask if they’ll cut off these two bumps next to my ear. I feel like I’m getting carried away with that part but I hate my entire face/head and just want to make it tolerable to look at. I know that sounds awful but it’s true. I know I need to talk to my therapist about it and ask about body dysmorphia. I don’t know if that’s something that goes away though. I hate my face and really my entire body, I feel like people judge me, I feel I can’t truly be myself and go out and DO things until I look the way I want. It’s a problem and it’s holding me back, but I don’t see it changing. I wish I could go back to my teenage years and be like I was then. If someone commented negatively on my looks or body, I’d laugh and tell them to fuck off. Now I’m meek and have no confidence. I don’t know what happened. I think it’s mainly my neck, to be honest. When I was a teenager I barely had a little double chin. It wasn’t bad. I didn’t hate my face. I was chubby but it didn’t bother me much. I wish I could be like that again and have the confidence I used to have. I don’t know how to get it back.