I have terrible anxiety today, maybe because I forgot to take my provigil when I took my pills? I have forgotten it several times but never had this happen. It’s all I can think of that’s different. I think I just want to go back on my old mediocre meds and be done with this stupid experiment. I had such high hopes too. *heavy sigh* That’ll teach me, right?

I went out with Karen this morning and it was fun. I had a good time. I don’t know what brought this on, I wish so bad I was at my parents house right now. I NEED to be around people when I feel like this. I wonder if it was because I wore a wig and it made me a little bit nervous and uncomfortable because I’m not used to it? But the anxiety came after I took the wig off. I was feeling a bit self conscious because I definitely thought it looked fake even though I dulled the synthetic hair shine with some dry shampoo. The bangs are too long. I need to cut them. But that’s not really the point.

Maybe I just need to stop being an insecure little bitch. 😑

I have to change meds again. The anger and rage I’ve been experiencing since starting the new medication is fucking disturbing. I talked to my psychiatrist’s nurse and she promised to talk to my psychiatrist and get back to me tomorrow. I want to get this fixed asap, I have never had this kind of reaction to a new medication before. I’m tired of feeling like this, it’s been nearly a month and it’s showing no signs of abating.

On another note…

I’m trying to be more brave with myself and how I dress. I’m learning to do what I want and not what others want. I haven’t been brave in years. The last time I wore black lipstick was in high school. I just want to look like I want and not mind what others think. That’s hard for me. I do dress up but I don’t wear makeup which does look funny. I’m starting to learn about makeup though and I have gotten foundation and another white foundation that I can mix in with the other if it’s not light enough.

I got lazy with my clothes for years. Black skinny jeans and band shirts. That was about it. I’m tired of looking what I personally consider dull, and desire to go further. I’ve also embraced my feminine side and have been wearing skirts. I got that beautiful dress for Christmas and can’t wait to wear it. I think the last time I wore a dress was to a friend’s wedding in 2016. 😅

I’m going to experiment with makeup and might post pics here, please don’t laugh at me 😅

Moooving on…

I put chicken broth in Oscar’s water and dry food, because I read that a lot of house cats don’t get enough water and that’s one way to give them more moisture and convince them to drink more water. I don’t want him to fall victim to chronic kidney disease like so many cats do. I think 50% of cats get it. I may be wrong though.

There’s a new cat in my parents little neighbourhood. I’m not sure if it’s male or female, but it’s a beautiful cat. I named him/her “Debbie Hairy” (you know, like Debbie Harry. Bad pun?). I don’t really care about the sex of the cat, couldn’t pass on that name! If it’s a male, that can be his drag name 🤭 I think their neighbour named it something like Grayson. I refuse to call it that. I knew a kid named Grayson in elementary school and he was an absolutely spoiled little shit 😂 Bad memories. Haha

My goodgoth stuff should arrive on the 30th or thereabouts. Feels like I’ve been waiting since forever.