Month: November 2024

Nov 28 2024 November 28, 2024 December 17, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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I decided to finally do the legal name change. It seemed awfully daunting so I put it off. Serina Danielle Bender Black. Basically I dumped “Carla” and replaced it with Serina and added mom’s maiden name in there. I’ll go by Serina Black. I left Bender in there so as not to hurt dad’s feelings or whatever. I don’t see why he’d care, but mom said that and I felt bad. I’ll probably ask Bobbie and Karen to help me out with this rather than mom. It seems like something she’d get super stressed about anyway.

I ordered dad’s Christmas present but haven’t ordered moms yet because I have to have her look at it before I can. She had mentioned a long sweatshirt that she used to wear indoors. I thought I’d try to find something similar to that but I don’t remember this specific sweatshirt. She’s gonna have to tell me. 😅 Dad is so easy to shop for. Get him a cool shirt and he’s happy.

Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Americans! Today I shall spend time with my family and feast on livermush and cheesy potatoes!


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Nov 27 2024 November 27, 2024 December 11, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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I had a doctors appointment today. Somehow, I lost 6 pounds. I wasn’t trying so it was a welcome shock! Maybe it’s the Ozempic. I’m at 215 right now, and if I can just get below 200 I feel like things will be a lot easier.

My Self Credit Loan ends on the first of March, meaning I’ll get my savings payout! It’s something over $500, don’t know exactly. It’s done wonders for my credit over the last 15 months or thereabouts. When I get that money, first thing I’m doing is getting these abominations lasered off my face. The permanent makeup, I mean. I want the eyebrows and under eye liner gone. The top liner can stay. I want thinner eyebrows. Real ones. I just have to keep them up with waxing and dyeing and whatnot. I should send the person that tattooed them a bill…lol

I’m looking forward to thanksgiving Thursday. Mom couldn’t figure out what meat aside from turkey to buy (I don’t like turkey much) and wound up deciding on livermush of all things. I know it’s completely regional to this area and the name alone probably sounds disgusting to the uninitiated (wait til you find out what’s in it 😉), but it’s really, really good fried up in a sandwich. My aunt who lived in Tennessee (RIP) would drive all the way over here from Chattanooga to buy Hunter’s brand livermush. Hillbilly cuisine at its finest, truly. Well, that turned into a pro-livermush tangent…but I am a very pro-livermush individual.

I learned from my Doctor that Provigil does take 3 or 4 weeks to build up in the body. I can relax about it not working I guess. Today was another dead-tired stumbling up the stairs and flopping down on the recliner day. Naps are good. I like naps. I DON’T like 6-7 hour naps. Naps should be like…1-2 hours. I can’t just take a regular one, I have to have a full fucking rest. Naps eat up my life. I’m hoping for an end to that. I should be doing things in the evening other than sleeping.

I AM keeping up my water intake. I’m hydrated. I’m proud of myself.

The 3D printer and enclosure are completely done and ready to be brought over here. We will probably rent a hand truck to get it up the stairs. I’m impatiently waiting.

I found out yesterday that a new mainline SH game is in the makes, Silent Hill F. I’m excited they’re reviving the franchise, even without Kojima. They were able to do SH2 justice with the remake so I hope this will be as good!


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Nov 22 2024 November 22, 2024 November 22, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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My new individual support, Karen, came today. We went out and had fun and hit some thrift stores, which you know is my favorite thing… I found some pretty Christmas decorations. I now have a large ceramic figure of Father Christmas. It’s really pretty! I also found a leather jacket that I will customize somehow. I now have two leather jackets that are awaiting customization lol

I also found out from Karen who my new peer support is! I got Bobbi! I love her. I’m happy now because I was worried about that.


Nov 20 2024 November 20, 2024 November 20, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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I’m disappointed in the results I’m getting from the Provigil. I have felt literally nothing, no difference at all. I even took it after I woke up today at about 2pm and I still came home at 5 and took a nap! What the heck, I thought this was going to be a life-changer. I’m going to ask my psychiatrist about Nuvigil (same thing but comes in higher doses up to 250mg) and see if she’ll switch me over. *sigh* I need to get my Cpap working again. It’s giving me a hose leak error, even after changing the hose. I’m waiting for the Cpap place to call me for an appointment.

My blog is so boring, just post after post of medical shit. Maybe that’s why no one reads it lol

ohhh I’m getting a new peer support person! Kim went to her boss and said she thinks I need someone who can spend more time with me. I have to finish some dumb paperwork with her and then they can switch em out. My new individual support person is coming tomorrow, I already know her well because I’ve had her before. Yeah, they separated me and Denise, finally. I figured it would happen at some point and dreaded it because I am very attached to her. I’ve had her for years. I get along really well with Karen though. I’m glad they gave me to her instead of someone I don’t know.


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Nov 18 2024 November 18, 2024 November 18, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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Meh. I don’t like my haircut. It looks weird today. It’s not nice and smooth like it usually is, that side part is sticking out, and it’s not short enough in the back. I feel like I wasted money. Honestly I might have to go back to my old hairdresser even though she’s fucking expensive now =_=‘

Wish I could cut my own damn hair. I’d just use clippers. People never want to use clippers on me, I always have to coerce them. Probably because I’m a girl. I just want my simple utilitarian haircut. It makes life easier.


Nov 17 2024 November 17, 2024 January 7, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I took the Provigal the first time at 10 in the morning and didn’t feel any effects. I went right back to bed because I was still tired (yeah, I don’t usually go to sleep until 6am so I sleep pretty late) and after going out and getting home again at about 5pm I had to take a nap again. I don’t know if it’s because that was the first dose. I really pray it makes a difference…

I finally got a freaking haircut today. I have been waiting for what feels like forever, it was getting raggedy looking and harder to wash. The hairdresser did leave one side too long, which I couldn’t see when I looked in their mirror. It’s doing the thing I hate most, it’s sticking out on the side. I can’t tell you how much it bothers me. I wonder if they would do a touch up? I just need that one part clipped. Gahhhh.

After that, I went and ate Chinese with mom, but she ruined it with her usual unpleasantness by rushing me to eat really fast because she wanted to go home. Didn’t get to enjoy it at all. I feel like I wasted my money 🙄 It’s not a big deal to get home 15 minutes later than you want to.

 

oh, I took a rare pic of myself. I look hideous but here you are.

 

Listening to: The Sisters of Mercy – This Corrosion


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Nov 13 2024 November 13, 2024 November 13, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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I start taking Provigil tomorrow morning I think. I have to take it at 10 every morning. We will see if it does what it’s supposed to do and keeps me from sleeping my life away. I’m a little nervous, I don’t know what to do in the afternoons except for napping. I’m not used to anything else because I’m always so sleepy. What will I do? There’s a lot of things to can do, really, but what about motivation? I read that Provigil does provide that as well. We will see. I’m scared that it won’t work as it’s supposed to and that all my trying will be for nothing. I don’t expect it to work on the first day, I guess. I don’t know how long it should take.

I was weighed at the psychiatrists office yesterday and cringed when I stepped on the digital scale. I genuinely expected to have gained at least ten pounds. Shockingly, I have not gained any since I was last weighed a while back by my doctor. I’m at 221 lbs right now. I’m going to go on a fast and try to get down to 210 again. I have my giant tub of protein powder and my blender cup. I don’t know how many days I’ll do in a row. Maybe two at a time? I guess I should break it up instead of a long ten day fast or whatever. I want this weight off me so I can FEEL better. I feel if I can get down to under 200, it will be a lot easier, mentally. I’ll feel like I’ve actually accomplished something.

Im really looking forward to Thanksgiving. We don’t do big extended family gatherings (thank god) but just me, mom, and dad. I get to make my favorite food, my own recipe. Cheesy ranch sour cream air-fried potatoes. Healthy, I know. But they are so tasty! I only get to make it a couple of times a year. My parents hate frying the potatoes. They complain about it every time. Why do they have an air fryer if they don’t want to use it? 😅

Im especially looking forward to Christmas. I don’t know if I still want a sewing machine or if I’ll change that. I don’t have anyone to teach me to use it, and I’m also not that bright so I don’t know if I’ll be able to figure it out. I also have an intense hatred of bobbins because of my fashion design class in ninth grade. Those things pissed me off so bad! Anyhow…I love Christmas Eve because we (me and parents) go out to eat somewhere nice and then come back to their house and open presents. It’s a very nice and cozy time of the year and I enjoy it as much as I possibly can. I love the winter holidays.


Nov 11 2024 November 11, 2024 November 11, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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Just got out of the psychiatrists office and I made some big medicine changes! And I got the provigil prescription 😀 let’s see where this goes. I hope in a good direction.


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Nov 09 2024 November 9, 2024 December 14, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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Noooooo! Tony Todd died! I loved that guy, he played sinister roles such as the mortician (in Final Destination) so convincingly. Candyman was one of my fav horror movies as a kid. I was always happy to see him in a movie. Celebrity deaths don’t usually upset me much (unless I really liked them, obviously) but this one has me genuinely upset. I wasn’t prepared for that in 2024, dude was too young. Only 69! Rest in peace. 💀


Nov 08 2024 November 8, 2024 November 8, 2024 NoComment by Eden

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Ugh…I don’t feel good…had kind of a rough night. I’m still feeling bad and hopeless about the surgery I didn’t have. My anxiety is a lot worse. I have no drive. I’m just bummed out and want to cry all the time. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Anyhoo…what do I do when I’m depressed? I buy shit. Yes, I absolutely have an addiction. I was going to talk to my therapist about it but…do I really want to stop? It’s the only thing that seems to give me any kind of gratification. I know buying things to feel better is just a bandaid, I’m well aware of that. I know I have to treat the underlying problem. I’m trying to get my meds tweaked next week when I see my psychiatrist. I’m trying to get the Provigil prescription also. I can only hope the Genesight test was right and changing meds dramatically will help me.

Listening to: The Mission – Wasteland


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