Well, I have definitely entered a depression. I’m tired, I hurt, I’ve lost interest in things. I keep putting off showering until the next day…some days I just don’t even want to get out of bed. I feel funny in my head too. Not “ha ha” funny either. I keep getting headaches. My whole body kinda feels like a big headache….
I really hope this doesn’t last long.
Listening to: The Sisters of Mercy – More
How do I go about working in a vampire subplot into a story about a malevolent AI?? I cannot figure it out. The two things are unrelated. I don’t know if I want to make new non-vampire characters for that comic (Rune Pandora is the tentative title) because it’s the one I have all the notes for and the plot is actually pretty good, if I do say so myself. The new story that I put the vampire characters in is relatively bare bones plot-wise. I just really don’t want to make them suddenly not vampires anymore. I am very averse to change. I don’t know what to do and I have no ideas for how to work in the vampire angle, someone please help me 😭
Gothic.nu is up and running (for the most part, it’s not finished by any means) with an awesome layout by Lorian! I offer free hosting for dark sites 🙂 I might have to upgrade my hosting package though, the least expensive one didn’t even give me one MySQL database. I don’t even know yet if I can make subdomains.
Today I went to my doctor and got more crappy news. I gained like 8 pounds in a very short period of time (depression eating) and my a1c went from 6.7 to 9.2. Great.
Mom obviously feels bad about the surgery thing and called down there today and left a message. I don’t know if that will do any good but at least she tried?
Sigh. I’m not going to get another chance at surgery…I bawled. Don’t know what I’m going to do. I really needed this.
The weight loss center got back to me, they’re going to talk to the surgeon about it next week. Let’s hope he’ll decide to give me one more chance.
I got the shirts I ordered off Etsy, they look great. I got one shirt of The Mission and one of Rosetta Stone, bands I can never find shirts of otherwise. Etsy is a treasure trove of stuff like that. I wish that company would make a Children on Stun shirt because you can’t find anything of theirs! I do have a vintage shirt but it’s not the prettiest. I would like a nice one, maybe the owner of that Etsy shop would take a recommendation from a fan? Maybe I’ll also recommend making a London After Midnight shirt because I can’t find one of theirs either. The shop is PoisonCult btw.
I got a new domain – gothic.nu. I’m going to ask a friend to make a layout for it. It’s gonna be a site about goth and a hopefully pretty big directory of sites!
edit: if I could have a “normie” job that wasn’t art or whatever, I’d be a night security guard. Yup. Maybe I’ll try for that when I’m feeling better. I’ve always thought that’d be kinda fun, in a weird way…
Also, my adhd is out of control, I cannot concentrate on anything for a damn minute. It’s driving me bonkers!
Is it bad that I’m thinking of contacting the weight loss center again? Mom would flip her shit. I’m gonna think about it for a couple days but I think I might mention it to her tomorrow. It’s my life, after all. I’m not happy, and unhappy people don’t succeed.
edit: Mom and weight loss center contacted. I will not be pressured again.
I got some cheap movies & manga off Amazon; Near Dark (80s vampire flick), From Dusk till Dawn (90s vampire flick), Queen of the Damned (2000s vampire flick that I somehow don’t already have 😱), ‘Stitches’ by Junji Ito cuz it was on sale, and the first three or so volumes of ‘Sorcerer Hunters’ because I never got to collect them as a teen.
When depressed, I tend to spend money. Lucky me none of it was expensive…
I sat down and tried practicing drawing hands. Fucking HANDS….I do so hate drawing them. They always look stiff and unnatural. Anyhoo I drew 4 or 5 hands…one or two were pretty decent looking. *pats self on back* Sadly I didn’t find it fun. Just annoying. I want to bring back happiness into my art. As a teen, I didn’t give a rip how the hands looked. I just had fun and people actually liked my art. Now, I can’t even get my “friends” to give a fuck lol. That’s one reason I left facebook. Yeah. I miss the old internet.
Listening to: Sisters of Mercy – Dominion/Mother Russia
I got the results from my GeneSight test! It looks like I do need a change in medication. Two of the important meds are in the yellow zone (there’s green, yellow and red, you want your meds to be in the green). I need to give these results to my psychiatrist.
Edit at 4am: I’m feeling like utter garbage. I should be getting a new, smaller stomach today. Should be. I let mom wear me down and make me unsure of myself. She was acting like she was going to have a heart attack over it and made me feel bad. I should not have caved. I don’t know if I’ll ever get another shot at this. I’m angry, but mostly I’m sad. Sad that I worked for this for over two goddamn years and this is how it ends. With a whimper, and me feeling like a fool and a failure. I’m eating my fucking feelings again. I feel sad, I eat. I had stopped that for the most part. I feel hopeless. I’m going to be in fat jail forever and I’ll probably gain all the weight I lost back, and then some. Because that’s how it always ends. I might try for it again sometime, and fuck her feelings. I don’t care anymore.
I am feeling some regrets now…I can’t believe I let mom pressure me like that. Just…how am I going to lose the rest of the weight? *sigh*
I’m mildly depressed today, because of that crap.