Month: October 2023

Happy Halloween!! 🎃




I’ve found a new thing to watch on YouTube. Bread making ASMR videos! I’ve been wanting to try to make my own bread for a while now and decided to watch some cozy baking videos for inspiration. I love bread. My favorite is sourdough and French bread, and any crusty bread I can dip in olive oil. Heavenly. 🤤

I found a channel called ‘Peaceful Baking’ and was watching his videos. Not just the bread ones, but also pastries like danishes and croissants. I really had no idea how much effort goes into making a loaf of bread or a croissant. I was amazed at the use of butter in croissants, there’s a whole sheet of it sandwiched between the dough layers. That’s why they’re so buttery and flaky. I learned a lot by watching. Now I’m really inspired to make my own.

I used to make pies and cakes but got out of the habit because I didn’t have the energy to do it anymore. I never made any (good lol) bread…I tried to make blueberry bread at 3am one morning because I was bored, but it was gross, to me at least. Not at all what I was expecting it to be. Maybe the next time will be different since it’s a completely different type of bread. That was supposed to be a sweeter bread, which I discovered isn’t my favorite.

So I just spent several paragraphs talking about bread. I’m a really exciting person 😆




Proud to report that I have so far not eaten or drank anything too sugary since I got out of the hospital. 👍

Otherwise…I feel like I’m having an existential crisis of sorts. I’ve been witnessing all the cruelty and hate in the world and it’s so much worse than I’ve ever seen it be in my life. Just, the pure HATRED I’ve seen is enough to rattle my psyche. WW3 looming over our collective heads isn’t helping either.

I’ll give an example. I saw a video of these two kids in a car. They ran over a man on a bike purely for fun. His body hit and broke the windshield and they laughed while he laid there and died. Then I saw another where they were in court, they were laughing and flipping off the guy’s family.

What even IS life when people like this exist? What kind of parent raises an empty shell of a human filled with ignorance and sociopathy? And it’s not just that. I see stories and often videos of people, especially teenagers, doing the most horrible, horrible stuff. It’s like a never ending stream of pure fucked up.

I’ve just been questioning “why”. Why do we exist if this is how we’re going to act? If someone or something intelligent created us, why did they do it if we were going to turn out like this? What is the god damned POINT?

Sometimes I’ll see someone do an act of good and think “Well, we’re not completely irredeemable after all.” but unfortunately that feeling doesn’t last long. I’ll see another horrible thing and fall back into my usual misanthropy.

I dunno, it’s just worse than ever and is actually affecting my life in a negative way. That’s never really been the case before. I could compartmentalize it effectively.

I just feel a general sense of disgust and disappointment. I wish it would go away.




I have lost 21lb since September 😲 I really wasn’t expecting that. I am at 227 pounds now. I’m happy though, obviously. I just feel fat and don’t really feel any less fat than before, so I was confused.

Now I have to go to the cardiologist again, which I did a little while back, and do the stress test. I really don’t want to but the ER doctor said my EKG showed “abnormal q waves” which indicates a previous heart attack. Or something. And I have scarring at the bottom of my heart? What even? The visit for the stress test takes so long and it’s boring and most of the time spent is sitting in the waiting room. Boo.

Dad came over and helped me with setting up the TV in the art/game room. He hooked up the PS4, Sega Genesis mini and the GameCube which is older than some highschoolers lol It still works too, gotta look for some of those old games. I can’t find the old Dreamcast I got a couple years ago. Guess I’ll continue searching 😅

 

 




Crap day.

I was a massive idiot the other night and ate Halloween candy. Way too much of it. It was those damn candy corn pumpkins. In any case I woke up today feeling so bad. I threw up four times, massive amounts of liquids. As a result I was very dehydrated and just felt horrible. I have not felt that bad in a looong time. I went to an urgent care and they said they’d call the non-emergency line to the hospital because they couldn’t really do anything. They thought I was in diabetic keto acidosis. That has never happened to me in my diabetic life. In any case the ambulance picked me up and tried to get an IV started but they could not, it’s really difficult to find a vein in a dehydrated person oftentimes. So I got stuck over and over and when I got to hospital, the nurses tried more…and more…and more. They were using a vein finder thing and still couldn’t find one that would give blood or an IV. I was stuck maybe twenty times it was kind of awful but certainly not their fault! Finally one of the nurses tried my CHEST of all places and got some blood and put an IV in. I started feeling better and I was able to hold down some water. I later was able to eat a granola bar and two packs of crackers and didn’t lose it, thank frick. So they did my blood work and determined I was not in keto acidosis. Thank frick again. They gave me another bag of liquids and when it was empty, took my blood again. After the results, I was let go with the promise I would drink lots of water and Gatorade, which I have been trying to do. I want in there at four something and got out about a little over an hour ago. At eleven thirty. 😅 I’m glad they took such good care of me! I had actually gotten kind of comfortable and warm during the last two or so hours and didn’t feel like moving lol

the conclusion is that I’m never fucking eating sugary candies and drinks again! I really hadn’t felt this bad since my emergency gallbladder removal. It was decidedly worse but still. 😆




I deleted Facebook and Facebook messenger off my phone a while back so I wouldn’t feel tempted to go on it and stress about other people and their selfish, self-absorbed bs. It feels good. Highly recommend it!

I saw my therapist today and let loose haha. It needed to happen, I can’t have all that nonsense bottled up in me. We also shared paranormal experiences. I think she was afraid of me thinking she was crazy, but I know that stuff is real. Not that long ago, I heard a disembodied voice in my bedroom yell-whisper (don’t know what else to call it) nonsense words, or at least I couldn’t understand it, and Google didn’t really help…I took my ass to the living room and slept in the recliner, because HELL NO. I’m scared I’ll hear it again at some time.

I’m trying to prepare myself to paint something. I have an idea. I wish I could feel good enough to just DO it.

I heard back from Medicaid about my surgery; apparently they need a refresh update on my psych eval because the time frame ran out, so I’ve had to make an appointment with the psychiatrist I saw before, which is fine because I like her. No biggie. They also needed more info from my PCP because she didn’t indicate which diet she had me on?! That’s the most basic part of the notes she would take, I’d think. How do you forget that?

Well, I internet, I’m going to bed. Have a good one. 😘




Happy October! 🐈‍⬛🧡