It breaks my heart to say this….but I don’t actually like my mother. I love her very much, but I don’t like her. We can’t get along, we are always at each others throats fighting. She constantly lies about things, especially things she promises to do, but she never fulfills her promises. It’s come to the point that I trust NOTHING that comes out of her mouth. She’s flat out mean too. She’s a mean old woman. And rude. She wasn’t always this way. She used to be a fun person. I don’t know what’s happened. But it breaks my heart into a million little pieces.

Like today, we were in the car and she was going like 20 over the speed limit. I asked her to stop speeding and slow down because it makes me really anxious, and she said no. How fucking irrational is that. It devolved into a fight and now I’m not speaking to her. Also yesterday she said something really shitty and insinuated she doesn’t care if I lose everything. =_=;

Sigh.

One of my lip piercings fell out. I had a hell of a time finding the ball, then the barbell fell out. I had to call my mom over here at 9pm to help me get it back in. I felt bad for bothering her but I kinda had to get it fixed. Took a while to get the barbell back through my lip and it hurt like a mofo! Now it’s bleeding and I’ve had to disinfect and put cortisone on to halt the swelling 🫤

Otherwise, I’ve been considering getting a job. One of the grocery stores here hires disabled people to bring the carts back in and bag groceries. My SSI pay will probably get cut but I need more money, especially if I want to rent (or buy!) an actual house instead of living in government housing for the rest of my life. I’ll probably wait until I’m better after surgery, if I’m able to have it, to try for a job. Right now I’m just in too bad of shape.

Also I’m waiting on my uncle to be available to get rid of the GIANT BED in that room so I can start setting up my art studio. My ultimate hope is that art can become my job. I would like to be successful in life…in some way at least.

With all these shootings here lately, it made me remember something from high school. There was this kid my friend group knew, who was a bit troubled mentally. He trusted us with his private, and often very dark thoughts. Let us read his journal for some reason, can’t really remember why. He said in his journal that he planned to shoot up the school on a certain date, even told certain people to stay home that day. We had no choice but to turn him in to the principal. Is it weird that I felt guilty for turning him in? Obviously I knew it was the right thing to do and I had to, but I still felt that twinge of guilt and I think my other friends did as well.

I highly empathize with people who are bullied, because I was bullied mentally, verbally, physically and sexually during elementary school and junior high. I know how it feels. Wouldn’t change what I did though, I’d turn him in again if it happened today 🫤 I wonder how he’s doing these days. Hopefully better. Hope he got the help he needed.

Jfc, being an adult is really freaking hard. I have only found that out in the last three years, since I moved out of my parents house.

I never had to deal with a lot of “grown up” stuff because everyone assumed I couldn’t. Maybe they were right. I am unequipped to deal with these things and am feeling pretty dumb and useless right now.

I’m really trying hard but it’s not working out for me. And that’s why it’s 7:42 AM and I’m still not asleep! Can’t stop worrying about this crap.