Tag: mental health

May 22 2025 May 22, 2025 May 22, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Wow, Bibles are quite expensive, at least at Barnes & Noble. I wanted a Catholic study Bible but it was $60. I have tried to read the KJV a loooooooong time ago, but I understood nothing, because it’s written in 17th century English. It was like trying to read Greek! Obviously I could read the words because I’m perfectly literate, but my goodness people spoke in a way back then that is completely different than modern English! I know there’s a plain English version but I have to be sure it’s Catholic. I don’t want to not have all the books that got removed in the KJV. Then again, I feel kind of stupid for having to read plain English anything. Back when I wanted to convert to Judaism, which was quite some time ago, I had an app that had daily wisdom from the Torah. I opened it up and read that days post. My only reaction was “Wut”. I mean, I understood what they were doing, but there was zero cultural context! I didn’t understand the meaning of it. People did things differently at that time. There were nuances and cultural things that only historians or theologians know the actual meaning of. Or someone with a huuuuge 7” thick study Bible like my grandparents had 😅 or maybe someone with google lol. I have a feeling if I asked a priest what that cultural custom meant, he would have no idea. The custom I’m referring to is, if I remember correctly, one man was telling the other something important and he placed his hand on the other man’s thigh, and it was significant somehow. Must’ve been a cultural thing at the time 🤷‍♀️ Also, that 17th century English didn’t help. 😭 I want to understand lol. I’m going to look for a Catholic study Bible on Amazon. Maybe they have one that won’t destroy my debit card.

I also got a few DVDs. Unforgiven, Natural Born Killers (how did I not have that already? For shame!) and The Case for Christ. I want to watch that one with my parents. I need to strengthen my faith. I believe but it isn’t as strong as I would like. I find it difficult to feel it strongly. It can be hard to have really strong emotions because depression meds can really blunt emotions. My brain is fried from 20 years of SSRIs. Meds will do that when you’re on them long enough. It’s the zombie effect. But yeah, I know God exists because I received a gift that medication cannot equal. I was blessed with relief. Something no pill ever did for me. All I did was ask for a sign, and I got it. I didn’t realise it until the next day (because like I said, I’m not that bright 😬), but when I did…my miracle happened. Anyhow, enough about me. The guy who made the documentary (I think it’s a documentary anyhow) was an atheist before, but converted after his search for historical proof…or something. I’ve never seen it or read the back yet, because Im scatterbrained haha. I’d heard about it before and just grabbed it. I’m very curious about what he has to say about his personal journey. Maybe it could help guide my own a little.

I will say that Barnes & Noble is ridiculously overpriced, particularly their DVDs and Blu Rays. Some movies were $40-50 even though the movie came out 40 years ago and it wasn’t even a Blu ray or Criterion Collection edition! 0_o What the heck, man. I could get the same thing off Amazon for a third of that price. Or less. This is why I’m glad I’m a thrift store movie nut and usually buy used movies on Amazon. I save tons of money. There were a lot of movies at B&N that I wanted but they were all at the very least $25. They also had a bit of British TV, none of which I could afford. They had good stuff, it’s just not affordable. The ones I got were all under $10, so they did have a few reasonable ones. But still.

I was out with Karen and had a good time. We were talking about how a bird shat on her car and how weird the poo looked. I then told her a gross secret from when I was a kid 😆 I’m not saying it here, but I will say it involved bird crap. So few people know lol. I only told mom when I was in my twenties! She was so grossed out lmao. I was a strange child. I’m also grossed out by my five year old self! I think back to some of the weird things I did as a small child and wonder what the hell I was thinking at the time 😭 I’m not gross anymore, I promise. I have bad OCD about touching certain things and washing my hands. I won’t touch things I consider “tainted”. Which is many, many things, unfortunately. 😅

I think I’m finally going to use Karen’s Hulu account. I was listening to a really good creepypasta last night, and many people in the comments were saying it reminded them of a show on hulu called “Paradise”. If there’s a series similar to that great pasta, I’m gonna have to see it! I like to listen to the cosmic horror stuff and horrifying creatures from other planes of existence. I also love space horror. I listen to other kinds of course, but those are my favourites. I also love nasty monsters. The grossest ones. I have a whole Pinterest board dedicated to the nastiest monsters I could find. It’s titled “Nasty Monsters” because I’m not creative 😆 It’s about 10-12 years old and hasn’t been updated since then, but I look at it when I need my nasty monster fix. 😬 Anyhow…I’m not sure what “Paradise” is actually about, but I’m going to google it now. I’m super curious. It can be hard for me to get into series because I strongly prefer movies because I have a short attention span, but if it’s similar to the plot of that pasta I’ll probably give it a go.

Someone actually narrated the famous “Have you ever played the left right game?” and it’s SIX HOURS LONG. That’s dedication. I also found one I read like ten years ago and was one of my favourites. Narrated, it’s over four hours long! I think it’s called something like “My friend spent time in a parallel universe”. It’s been a long time since I read those on Nosleep. So many people were completely invested in the Left Right Game pasta, me included. Got all excited when the next part got posted. It really is that good! I actually have a nosleep story rec site on Neocities. It doesn’t have enough links and I haven’t updated it in several years but I sometimes go back and reread stories I linked. Here it is: https://remina.neocities.org/ It’s got a junji ito design because I was going to add horror manga recs, but those manga sites are unreliable and just freaking disappear sometimes. I did have some linked before, but the site took the whole manga off their site for some reason. I had linked particular stories from “Gyo” and of course the classic “Amigara Fault”. Geez, I think everything I added was junji ito 😆 I didn’t really work on the horror manga section much. I just got rid of it because I’m lazy and all the manga I linked to disappeared. Anyhow if you like good creepypastas , check out my puny little site. They’re my personal favourites. Again, it’s https://remina.neocities.org/ I might actually update it sometime soon when I’m not feeling super lazy.

I got some donuts from Krispy Crème as a little reward to myself for my great report from my doctor. One raspberry filled and one crème filled. I can’t believe I haven’t eaten them yet. 🤤


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May 19 2025 May 19, 2025 May 19, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Ugh…I have a two consecutive days with two appointments each day. It just came together that way. I’m already a little overwhelmed thinking about it, especially since one of them is at 9am. I think I wrote a while back about why I hate early mornings. I have an appointment with my therapist too. I don’t really know what to talk to her about since she didn’t seem to understand last time. Although I haven’t had much anxiety at all (Thank you Lord) since I got my sign from God, I still have other problems, you know? I haven’t felt suicidal or anything since. I hope that stays in the past as well. I guess I really want to talk about things like motivation, being more independent from mom, getting a car and getting over my paranoia about driving, etc. I also need to ask her questions about emotional support animals and the laws surrounding them.

I have another inspection on Wednesday I think. One of the Section 8 guys is coming. I kind of want Mr Scaredy Cat, because him being afraid of Oscar was hilarious, I kind of want to see that reaction again 😂 Is that mean of me? Lol. I also kind of hope the other guy comes because he was interested about the things I have in my home and we had a decent conversation. Unfortunately, it’s in the early morning and I have to be up, I guess so Oscar can’t viciously maul anyone and eat their eyeballs from their sockets 😆

Speaking of cats, there’s a girl I found on YouTube who works at a big cat sanctuary and she just casually boops their noses (danger boops, as she calls them) and just rubs them and interacts with these huge animals like they’re ordinary house cats. To be fair, that’s kind of how they act! Big house cats! I know they’re wild animals at heart and I have no idea if they were born and raised in captivity or not. Sometimes I worry she’s gonna get ripped to shreds but at the same time I’m insanely jealous! I always wanted to chill with animals like that. Make a deep connection and be their “friend”, or the animal equivalent to a friend anyhow. Big cats especially. I would love to hang with a serval or a lynx, maybe even a puma. Then maybe I’d try lions and tigers 😂 I heard cheetahs take very well to humans if raised and cared for properly in a sanctuary. I saw a video on KodKods, which are a species of cat from South America, in Chile I think. They’re one of the smallest cats in the world. They are precious and adorable but a lot of people have a bad opinion of them and see them as pests ☹️ Look up KodKod on YouTube and see how cute they are. I think the smallest cat in the world is the Israeli Sand Cat which lives in the desert, but I could be wrong. They are super cute as well.

I got my “I need about tree fiddy” shirt, and I think my Return of the Living Dead shirt came today but I haven’t opened it yet.

I wish I could watch a movie but I’d definitely fall asleep. I’m asking for the Provigil again or something like it. This is stupid! 😑 The only thing Vyvance (I am certainly still spelling that wrong) does is stop me from passing out every time I ride in a car, which is great but I need more! I come home every day, watch maybe one hour long show, then I must take a stupidly long nap which kind of ruins my night. If I try to get up before it’s “completed”, I feel crappy and have to lie back down and nap more. I can’t take short naps for some reason, it has to be an entire rest. Other than that, when I go to bed at 6am, I don’t sleep any longer than most people do. I get about 7 hours or a bit less. Tired of people conflating sleeping a normal amount of time during the morning and early afternoon with laziness. Sorry, I feel like I have to say that every time I mention my sleep schedule, because people are such stuffy assholes. Some people need to realise that others being on different schedules than they are is a thing! Ahem. Tangent detected. I’ll stop now 🥴

Well…my breathing has calmed as much as it’s going to. I don’t think I have anything else to say 😅


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May 17 2025 May 17, 2025 May 17, 2025 NoComment by Eden

Jeez.

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I had a spectacular meltdown this afternoon. It was a sight to behold. Triggered by mom, as most of them are. I got overwhelmed REALLY fast and asked her to stop the thing she was doing because I could feel it coming. The rumble zone. After 40 years of having an autistic daughter, you would think she’d know more about meltdowns but she does not. She actually said she knows all about them because she’s SEEN lots of them. I dunno, maybe you could google that shit and learn the potential triggers, and learn what to do and what to absolutely not do during a meltdown. And then maybe have a conversation with both me and my therapist about it and maybe even ask me what usually triggers them. I mean, that’s what I’d do if I was a neurotypical with an autistic kid. I’d want to know all I could to prevent that as much as someone can prevent it, even though that isn’t always possible…meltdowns ARE gonna happen regardless. She thinks meltdowns are hard on HER, imagine how hard they are on me!!! They take everything out of me! I sweat like a mofo! I hurt myself during! Then she had the nerve to make a snarky comment about my hand flapping. How the fuck do you raise an autistic person for 40 years and NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HAND FLAPPING OR STIMMING!?!? She doesn’t know that it helps with emotional regulation and anxiety, not to mention horrible amounts of pent up energy that comes with it. How has she gone this long without knowing this basic shit??? I came down from it and was both relieved and angry. I’m still recovering! I texted her a bunch of sites about what meltdowns are, and a general guide to handling them, as well as what NOT to do when someone is having one. And another on fucking hand flapping in general as a way of stimming and also why someone might do it during a meltdown, because she seems to think it’s something to snark about or make derogatory comments about. That was not fucking cool at all. I get a bit violent during meltdowns and thrash around wildly, punch whatever is in the vicinity and hit myself in the face and legs. That could have been her!!! I was focused on the other direction and myself. I was super violent as a child up until the age of….13 maybe. I beat the shit out of everyone in my path during meltdowns. Of course I was undiagnosed and no one had any idea what a meltdown even was. They just assumed I was a bad kid. They tried to institutionalise me in grade 7 but I put up a hell of a fight. They wound up not going through with it. The meltdowns calmed over the next couple of years. By the time I was 14, I was barely having any. I had a great high-functioning run from 14-19. Early twenties? That shit came back with a vengeance. I wasn’t usually violent towards anyone else but once in a while someone got grazed.

I have been easily overwhelmed lately, don’t know why. I guess I just go through periods of oversensitivity to being overstimulated. I was in the grocery store with mom last week and wound up surrounded by people somehow. I stood there like a statue and said “please help, I am overwhelmed and can’t move.” She didn’t hear me so I just stood there like a lemon. It seems like things are getting a little worse autism-wise. ☹️ I wish to God there was a treatment. Please God, send me a miracle. I wish I wasn’t born with this burden. Because that’s exactly what it is. A burden on my SOUL.

Sorry I’m just angry about all of it…I’m always like this after a meltdown. I get angry and miserable about being born with autism. I can’t help but lament and loathe it. It’s a huge reminder of what’s wrong with me. Sometimes it’s too much to handle. Other people think autistic people are hard to deal with, imagine how some of us feel. We’re the ones who don’t do the autism pride stuff. We don’t tell everyone around us that we’re neurodivergent unless there’s a reason they need to know. We hope people don’t notice. Fat chance 😂 lol

I feel so misunderstood by everyone around me, everyone I’m related to, and people I called friends, and I don’t think even mental health professionals understand sometimes. My therapist sometimes doesn’t get it which I find odd. The people at ACA (the supervisors and stuff) don’t seem like they were trained for the most common problems their clients might have (autism, schizophrenia, mmr/mr, etc) and I just find that weird. I do not feel understood by my parents. Dad doesn’t show a lot of emotion towards me. I get along with him great, but when it comes to autism, ocd, whatever, he’s silent. If I were to cry in front of him, like I did on my birthday, he sat there and acted like nothing was happening. So while we get along great, he is not someone I can talk to about that stuff. I don’t expect him to change so I don’t push the matter. Mom is just…I don’t know lol. She’s got to get in her snarky passive aggressive remarks no matter what and also makes herself the poor put-upon victim after she’s done something wrong. I don’t know how to deal with that! It usually starts an argument. ☹️ Lately we’ve been getting on really well, but today was the exception. She has got to stop pushing me in certain ways because that is an obvious trigger but she never learns this. 🤷‍♀️ I tell her when I’m feeling distressed and can feel one coming, aka the rumble stage, but she pays no mind to anything I say. *sigh* Seriously, fuck autism. Some people, if anyone actually read this blog, would get all offended by that, but I’m an autistic person and that’s how I fucking feel about it. That is MY experience. Go suck an egg lol

I needed to vent that out, my God. I was about to explode.

Also, I think my post from yesterday (or maybe the day before, not sure) disappeared! It’s not there anymore, not in the drafts or anything. Feels like I’m taking crazy pills. 🥴. I forgot to check the trash. Maybe it’s in there.

I prayed hard for God to send me a best friend. Someone I’m meant to meet. Someone who won’t judge, harass, criticise constantly, lie and go back on promises they made, disrespect my privacy, or freaking hit me for absolutely no good reason. That’s something I want the most. A best friend. I don’t think I ever really had one in my life because they inspired that list of nonsense I just made. Total toxicity. Basically abuse. Gaslighting. Acting superior. I’m not going to put up with that ever again because they made me feel like garbage. I want a friend that will uplift me instead of beating me down and making me feel stupid and embarrassed. I want to do the same thing for that hypothetical friend. I pray they pop up at some point in time because I really need that…I need a true friend. I don’t care what they look like or how they dress, male or female, fat or thin, what race they are, what music they listen to, what religion they follow or don’t, whatever. It would be cool if they liked horror movies though haha 😆

Ah well….my breathing was super wacky after I got home and while I was eating….this calmed it down thank God.

Also could someone please punch me in the puss SUPER HARD when I say I’m getting McDonalds? Because that’s what I did today. I need to be pimp slapped every time. Keep that pimp hand strong! Cuz I’m gonna need it!  I don’t want to ruin myself but it’s just the most convenient and there’s not much else. 😐

I just want to say, once again, that this iPhone keyboard  is the devil. Hate it. The autocorrect is absurd.


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May 14 2025 May 14, 2025 May 14, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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My breathing problem is worse today than it was when it first started happening. I’m glad I have a doctors visit soon. Something’s got to be done about this. I’m just…exhausted. Combine that with terrible allergies…I feel bad for complaining about other stuff because of the blessing I received from God pertaining to my terrible anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I just feel bad, like I shouldn’t complain because I was given that relief. I simply don’t feel well because of the breathing thing. It’s hard to deal with every day, and the only thing that gets it back to normal is writing something. I have to be intently focused on something. Watching tv doesn’t work because I’m not engrossed enough. I think it’s because I’m doing something physical, like typing. The problem is, when I eventually have to get up and do something, it starts again. I can’t just sit around making blog posts all night, I’ve already run out of things to say! I don’t know exactly what to do other than pray about it and also hope my doctor can send me to a specialist. Mom says she’s going to ask for a CT scan before she refers me to someone, so maybe she’ll know more specifically what kind of specialist to send me to. I’m glad mom thought of that, because I definitely wouldn’t have. She’s made a list of things to talk to her about. I am also pretty sure at least one of my toes is fractured 😅 I kind of did that to myself. The anxiety really got bad for a while because of the breathing problem and when I get sick (or just feel really bad) I abuse the hell out of my right foot. I don’t know why! I flex and squish my toes and dig them into things. When I had Covid the first time, it actually felt really good to do that. I have a low pain tolerance, so wtf? It’s like that pain felt good somehow and I don’t get that 0_o I don’t like pain. I’m not a masochist. But something about doing that with my foot….freaks me out. I don’t enjoy the after effects though. Lately I randomly cry out in pain because my toe sends a wicked pain up my foot, almost like an electric shock. It hurts really bad. I’m flexing and bending my toes as I write this. It’s a compulsion I can’t get rid of. I also have terrible restless leg in my right leg every night which makes the whole thing worse because I can’t stop moving it! I’ve tried the intense  stretches I’ve always done to ease it but those don’t seem to work anymore. It keeps me awake. There has got to be a way to treat that. Ramble ramble ramble.

I had to cancel all my plans today because I would have only gotten about two hours of sleep and can’t function that way. I was supposed to have bloodwork and go out with Kellie. I feel a little bummed about it, but I did have a nice afternoon with mom after I got some sleep. I have to do the bloodwork tomorrow. I also go out with Karen tomorrow so I hope I can get some decent sleep. I had been falling asleep pretty fast for a few mornings but my leg said “not today, bitch!” Haha.

Oscar is nuts. Coocoo bonkers. I know I’ve said that a few million times, but today when I took a shower, I shut him up in the chill room so he wouldn’t piss in my laundry basket. He decided to jump up on the dresser and knock a whole bunch of my jewellery off. He’s also now drinking from the brita filter several times a day. He begs me or mom (whoever’s in the kitchen) and we  feel bad and turn it on for him. I’m rewarding bad behaviour but I love him so much and don’t want to deny him things that obviously make him happy. I don’t know how many years I have left with him since he’s already an old boy. I want to make his senior years the best they can be, you know? I think everyone wants that for their beloved critters. I just don’t want him to get any crazier 😂

I got the pretzel crust cheese sauce pizza from little Caesar’s today for dinner and could only eat two slices. I also got some crazy bread and ate a few of those. I refused to get McDonalds again. The pretzel crust is my favourite thing about it but little caesars only seems to bring that particular pizza back every 30 years or so. I waited years to get it again. It’s like McDonalds bringing back the McRib and then yanking it away again 😭

I do wish I’d have been able to get up and go out with Kellie today. I’m feeling more regretful than earlier. I really wanted to go to Goodwill. I love talking with mom these days (for the most part haha, we still have minor tiffs once in a while) so the day wasn’t entirely lost. 🤗

Edit: okay I’m gonna cry. I got an email from Experian saying my credit score INCREASED. I go to the capital one app to check how much it increased, and it had freaking gone down 22 points to 690!!! My credit is “average” again 😑 In the Experian app, it’s 693 and described as “good”. I don’t know which to believe. I’m so disappointed, I don’t know what I did wrong. Why was I told that it increased? Ugh I hate this. “Average” is not good enough for me. I want it to be GOOD. Maybe even Excellent someday in the future.

This really bothers me too much…it’s not actually a bad score. It’s just that I finally got it over 700. I was so excited. 😞 22 points. What did I DO?


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May 12 2025 May 12, 2025 May 12, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I’m really enjoying this break from the hot weather. It’s all rain though, and I’m not fond of getting damp when I go out. No, I don’t have an umbrella because…reasons. Better than hot humid weather. I’m not built for it. I had heatstroke multiple times as a child and don’t feel like doing that again 😅 I wish I could have one of those Botox shots in my armpits that stop sweating for 6 months to a year. It’s hella expensive, but I’d totally do it. Sweaty, smelly armpits harsh my buzz. I wonder if you can get Botox shots to prevent summer swamp ass…

I’m really thanking God for giving me relief from some of my biggest stressors. I haven’t had self harm and suicidal thoughts since I got the sign I asked for. I can’t seem to feel the anxiety and stress anymore. I guess I could feel anxiety over other things, but I really haven’t had that tested. It’s really a miracle. In some ways, I do feel a little bit unsure of how I’m feeling because I have never had peace in my life and I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like. I’m having to adjust a little. I know that sounds strange but I am not accustomed to NOT feeling awful.

I might have had a good run from ages 14-19, but I don’t remember if I felt actual peace even back then. I was still mentally ill. I know I was able to feel happy, however. That all went away when I was 19, in late February of 2005. I had a major panic attack for literally no apparent reason, and I think it flipped some kind of switch in my brain, or blew a fuse. I don’t know. I wasn’t able to feel positive emotions for many years after. Only negative ones. And boy, were they negative. Constant panic attacks, delusions, hallucinations….I don’t know how I got through it alive. A lot of people would have ended themselves, it was that bad. I genuinely thought I was schizophrenic! My cousin was, and I was always scared I’d develop it in my 20s. Psychiatrist said I wasn’t. My positive emotions started coming back after maybe 6 or 7 years. They were very blunted though, probably the medications I took. Or maybe my brain was trying to heal itself. I really haven’t a clue. My autism went waaaay downhill as well. I used to be independent. I didn’t need my mom all the time. I would go out in my own car, go grocery shopping, do other stuff, and pick up dinner. I was probably 19 or 20 when I was able to do that stuff.

I am praying for God to heal me, so maybe I can do those things again and don’t have to depend on anyone so much. I mean, I’ll never NOT be autistic, but I would be so so so grateful to be more high-functioning. I will pray and work on things. I really need to work on my fear of driving. I’m not necessarily afraid I’ll wreck, rather I’m terrified of hitting and killing a pedestrian or an animal. A family friend had that happen to him (Killed a road worker but it was not his fault. People were spreading rumours he was drunk. He was not.) He was never the same after that and never drove again. Seeing that happen made me even more afraid. I’ve been totally blinded by lights at night (like he was) and actually hit a car! It’s easy to get blinded by road construction lights at night and a bunch of friggin COP CARS with their friggin lights on at the same time. Bright as the sun. That’s what got me. I wish I could get an old $1500 junker that would get me from point A to point B and I could just start driving again like a normal person!! Tired of being dependent…maybe my newfound faith can help me with these things. Encourage me. I’m such a chicken butt though 😭 I don’t know how to get past that!

Geez…maybe I need counselling for that specifically.

Another day of wacky breathing. Once again, writing calmed it down, but it will probably start again when I move. I’m going to my doctor for it again. My psychiatrist upping one of my depression meds did nothing to help. I think my doctor needs to refer me to a specialist. I do not think it’s anxiety anymore. Anxiety can make it worse, but I don’t believe it’s the direct cause. I have been feeling perfectly calm, no real signs of anxiety, yet it still happens, every day. It was better for a few weeks as it didn’t start up anytime I did something besides friggin sit…now it’s back to how it was in the beginning. I don’t think it’s just gonna go away. I’m so scared of copd, lung cancer, and anything similar. That’s one of my worst nightmares. I had a longtime friend pass away from lung cancer. (RIP Nisé, and fuck cancer.) I really don’t want to experience that myself. I think one in every four people have some kind of cancer in their lifetime. Mom had it, her dad (my pawpaw) had it, great grandma had pancreatic cancer which is fricken terrifying…don’t know about dad’s side.

I’m paranoid lol. I’m kind of a pessimist, always have been, so I always think of the worst case scenarios. 😅

Anyhoo….I rambled. Yup. 😬


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May 05 2025 May 5, 2025 May 5, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Ugh, this is the third time I’ve eaten McDonalds for dinner in the past two weeks. I gotta stop. I’m really gonna gain some weight back if I continue to do the depression “comfort food” thing. I don’t have the option of Chinese takeout anymore and there’s not much else I want for dinner. I’ve gotten used to bringing food home instead of cooking, but there’s nothing here I want to eat anyways. Meh.

I got my Sandman shirt with the Corinthian design! Never thought I’d see one with my favourite villain. I wonder if the Etsy seller designed it themselves or if it’s a reproduction of an old design. I saw a Death shirt on Etsy that has the exact same design as a shirt I got 20 years ago, which of course I can’t FIND anywhere…I think it’s pretty cool that they do reproductions of vintage designs that would otherwise cost a lot of money if you bought them vintage. I have at least 3 really old (20+ years) Sandman shirts and I can’t find any of them. Then again, I can’t find a ton of my old shirts. They’re probably worth a little money by now, but I wouldn’t sell them. Too sentimental.

Yeah, I know Neil Gaiman has been accused of some pretty nasty crimes, but we need to see if he’s found guilty or not. I try to separate the art from the artists in those cases, and I’ve unfortunately had to do that a lot. If an artist I liked was found to have abused kids or something, I wouldn’t be able to. That reminds me that I’m glad I never really listened to or became a fan of Lostprophets. Ian Watkins is a sick fuck. If a member of a band I loved did what he did, I’d puke myself to death. I checked their Last.fm page out of morbid curiosity and people still listen to his music.

I did a telehealth appointment with my psychiatrist today and she’s adjusting my medication again. Who knows if it will make any difference. I don’t have a lot of hope that it will. She did say she was going to put me on one that’s supposed to help with OCD, compulsions and intrusive thoughts. I really hope that one will do something…anything. If I’m being honest, OCD is the worst thing I have. It’s not just washing your hands over and over. There’s so much more to it, and it can be terrifying. People often forget the about the “obsessive” part. They gloss over it entirely and focus completely on the compulsive because it’s more visible. Okay I don’t want to voluntarily think about that anymore, gonna stop.

I saw a disgusting tiktok of this girl in her 20s doing what amounted to a fucking struggle session with her 82 yo grandpa. This man apparently paid for all her bullshit and she was calling him a “fascist enabler”. He sat there and took it, probably because he loves her for some reason. She complained that the dolls given to her as a child weren’t “diverse enough”. She complained about a lot of shit. This girl is a grade A cuntsicle. She went no contact with him, which was probably in his best interest. She did what my unhinged pos  “uncle” did to my mom not too long ago. I thought Mexican families didn’t tolerate this shit since they are all about family. I guess her parents weren’t around to chew her out properly. Both my grandpas are long passed away. I would adopt this man as my grandpa in a heartbeat. I would appreciate him. She’s going to look back on this and be really ashamed someday especially after he passes away, because I would consider that to be elder abuse. I can’t believe she had the balls to upload that shit to TikTok thinking people were gonna be on her side, even on that toxic ass app 😆 Oh, Gen Z…the generation gap is real as fuck and I feel it hard. Never thought I’d say that. As an older Millennial, I don’t understand them at all. Can’t relate. I don’t get their humour a lot of the time, or the (top 40) music a lot of them listen to. I’m not saying they ALL suck or anything, because I’ve met a few cool zoomers, but a lot of them seem to do really uncool shit that generations before them wouldn’t normally do. Not saying other gens don’t also do these things, but they don’t do it nearly as much. I’m really glad they’re around to take the heat off millennials though 😬

I am debating on whether or not to get this one shirt on etsy. I saw it and cracked up. Only problem is, it’s white and I don’t like white shirts. It’s a Scary Movie 2 reference. It says “take my strong hand” with a graphic of the butler’s shrivelled up little hand 😭 It’s my favourite of the Scary Movie series and that malformed hand always had me deceased. I might ask the seller if they could possibly print it on a black shirt. I gotta at least try, that’s too good to pass up.

I’m looking for a blu ray player for the living room. Mom was kind enough to say she’d help me out with it because I have so many damn Affirm payments every month and I definitely don’t need another one. That’s really nice of her. I wish to fuck I could find a region free blu ray player for under $150. Regions are outdated and silly. I want to be able to buy DVDs/Blu Rays from the UK because the prices are usually lower (especially on box sets of tv shows/anime), and they have things I can’t seem to find anywhere else.

I feel like I’ve been inching closer back to religion and don’t know how to feel about it. Part of me feels like I need it, and the other part feels the opposite. The heck is going on with my brain? 🧐 I started to lose my faith in Jr High. I had doubts and it tortured me because I was sure I was going to burn in hell forever for even questioning. It’s the OCD I mentioned earlier. It was an obsession. Ever since I was about 15, I didn’t have a religion, and anytime I try it again I never stick with it. I dunno. What’s a person to do?


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May 02 2025 May 2, 2025 May 2, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Omg the Chinese restaurant I always go to is suddenly under new management. I went yesterday to get takeout but they were closed and there was a sign on the door informing us of the change. I told mom “they’ll ruin it. They’ll change the food or something even dumber.” She disagreed because it would probably hurt their business. She was dead wrong. Dad picked Chinese tonight and as soon as we entered, a lady stopped us and said “I gotta warn you” and I thought oh god, what did they do. They make you pay up front instead of after eating, and half the damn food they used to have is gone. We just left and had Mexican instead. I’m so disappointed, that place was my ultimate go-to. There aren’t any other Chinese buffet places around. I particularly liked that place because it was owned by the same people that owned Good China, my original favourite, until it closed a looong time ago. Unfortunately this place had a sanitation grade of 86. I wonder if that had something to do with the change in management. It was so good though. I don’t know if any other place would have the delicious buttery potatoes I love so much. I’m so disappointed. I guess the new people are determined to run it into the ground. 🙁 If they don’t change what they’ve done, it WILL close. People coming out of there were not happy. I wrote entirely too much about that, but I’m upset!

The Mexican place was so fucking loud, I got very over stimulated because I couldn’t hear myself think. My ears were hurting. The people behind us were SO incredibly loud, this one chick laughed like a fucking donkey and it was driving me coocoo bonkers. I kept hissing “Shut the fuck UP!” all throughout dinner which mom and dad found amusing. I was already having a very bad day, which I will get to later. I was honestly ready to get up and tell them to tone it the fuck down a little. This close. I was on edge all day and all afternoon. Almost blew my top in there. I am so grumpy when I get over stimulated like that. 😑 Just have some common fucking courtesy for other people and don’t be so fucking loud! Fuck!

Oscar has lost his mind. I am super worried, he really needs the bloodwork I mentioned before. It’s like a switch flipped and his behaviour changed drastically over the span of about four months. It started with him jumping in the shower with me. The first time he did it, I screamed so loud the neighbour probably heard. He hit my leg and I was NOT expecting him to ever come in there. He then made that a regular thing. After that, he kind of stopped laying on the bed next to me at night. He’s obsessed with lying in the doorway. He might jump up for a few minutes but he’ll go right back to the door. That’s not to say he NEVER sleeps on the bed because he sometimes does, but he always chilled beside me while I watch videos at night. After that, I noticed yellow liquid in my bathroom laundry basket. I did not put two and two together, because I’ve told you I’m not that bright. Mom said he’d pissed in there. I had accidentally shut him in there one night, so I figured he did it out of necessity. I was really careful not to shut him in there again. Nonetheless, pee has been showing up in the laundry basket. I even propped it sideways against the bathtub and he STILL found a way to piss in it. I am perplexed because I don’t know when he’s doing this. I shut the door when I come out so he can’t get in, but still, there’s piss in my laundry basket. He might be doing it while I’m showering. I’m going to have to put him in the laundry room when I shower, I guess. His latest thing is jumping up on the kitchen counter and demanding I let him drink from the brita filter for ten minutes. Every time I go there to do anything, up he goes. Everything I eat, he desperately tries to get at. He eats a lot but has lost five pounds. That worries me the most. His eating habits haven’t changed, but he’s losing weight. I love this cat more than anything, and even though he’s driving me crazy lately, I am so worried about him! 😣

I am going ahead with getting the dog. It will be good for both me and Oscar. He needs a friend. It might take a while because I don’t know how much money I need to save. I’m going to ask Kellie if she still has the breeders contact info. I hope she does because I’m not sure how to find someone who breeds golden retrievers otherwise.

I got a few raunchy comedies (Van Wilder and Fast Times at Ridgemont High, specifically) in the mail that I’d ordered off Amazon but I had moved the blu ray player into the chill room, and I don’t feel like going in there to watch a movie. I feel like watching something hilarious and gross lately. I need to laugh.

The only thing that got me to laugh last night was CrunchyCat on YouTube. Luna always cracks me up no matter how crappy I feel. There’s always one video of hers I go back to if I need a serotonin boost. Basically, if you feel like hot garbage, watch some CrunchyCat videos. 10/10.

Now for the depressing shit, which I shall put under a cut.

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Apr 29 2025 April 29, 2025 April 29, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I saw my therapist today and as much as I love her, I couldn’t get my points through. Ahhhh. I don’t think she understands certain things and that “solutions” are not always simple when human emotion is involved. There’s a lot of factors, one being certain mental illnesses. Sometimes people can’t just “let things go” because they’re “in the past”. Sometimes the mind won’t allow that, especially in people with OCD, and other things. Sometimes the hurt won’t go away and it’s something people fixate and laser-focus on. That doesn’t just stop. It’s very complex! Feelings are very complex. It’s not black & white. I still love her to death, even if she doesn’t always understand. You really can’t truly understand someone unless you’re walking in their shoes anyhow.

I went to Belk with mom and I swear to god, plus size women’s clothing is so ugly. It kind of always has been. Years ago when online shopping wasn’t a big thing, I was forced to wear plus sized clothes that I found hideous, but that’s just what I had. I had my kmart goth clothes and my few precious Hot Topic things, but not a lot of it. Kmart was actually pretty awesome, btw. Anyhow, ALL the clothes were kind of ugly, even the smaller sizes. Everything was covered in ruffles. God I hate ruffles. I was helping mom look for pants and a shirt for summer. I might not dress that way myself, but I can definitely tell what looks good, especially on her. I talked her into a pair of short cargo pants and a light blue shirt. Not very descriptive, I know. I don’t think she’s ever worn cargo pants. I used to love them when I was younger. Anyhow, she got me some new sheets and some hand soap. She got two pairs of the pants to try them on, a pair of sneakers and a couple shirts. It was discounted like a LOT and that little tiny pile of stuff was over $400. DISCOUNTED! Without that, it would have been over $600. My mind was blown, that place is so overpriced! I saw a little rabbit thing, it was adorable so I picked it up to look at the price and it barely weighed anything. It was $32. Dayum. My new sheets were $160 but were discounted to $80. I can’t figure out what exactly she got that was so damn expensive. I remember when I was younger and she’d drag me to Belk with her to shop for clothes to wear to furniture market, which is kind of a big deal because you’re rubbing elbows with people like Ana Wintour and super rich people who just give you expensive stuff as free gifts. My mom used to get all kinds of expensive gifts from big magazine editors and would get lavish gift baskets around Christmas from Reps she made connections with. It was important to look good and she would spend upwards of $1500 on new clothing just for that 9 days of furniture market. Every year. Things were better back then, we actually had disposable income so she could afford to do stuff like that. I would sit there really bored and kind of miserable because it’s always hot in there, holding her purse while she tried on an ungodly amount of clothing and I had to to give my honest opinion. She actually picked good stuff for that businesswoman vibe she was going for.

I told her she should wear a short sleeved shirt because I’ll bet her arms get really hot in the summer. She won’t do it because of her “wings”, you know, flabby upper arms. Like who cares, wings are meant to fly! I have em too and all I wear are short sleeves. That’s not something I’m particularly self conscious about. She is, but she shouldn’t be. I keep telling her how people always tell me how pretty my mom is, and how shocked they are when they find out she’s in her mid seventies. Everyone thinks mom is in her 50s. I keep telling her that. She needs to get her self esteem back. So do I.

Both Kellie and Karen are coming tomorrow so it’s gonna be a long, busy day. It just kind of wound up that way somehow. I get to go out twice in one day. I hope Karen would be willing to go out of town. I don’t want to spend four fucking hours in Boreganton. lol

Oscar now thinks he is entitled to drink from the Brita filter every day now. He hops up and sits there, silently demanding me to turn it on. I’m impressed he can still jump as high as he does at his age. He’s a springy boy. I am concerned with how long he drinks though. He stays there for like ten minutes. I just leave him to it. I don’t pay for water anyways. I am worried he could have diabetes with how much he drinks. I have to start saving for that fucking expensive bloodwork. He needs it really bad.

My parents’ neighbours took in a cat with FIV. He is missing an eye as well, so he was named “Wink”. He’s the sweetest cat. They’ve been taking care of him for a couple of years now. They just found out he has diabetes. He has some kind of skin condition on his butt and bites and picks at it and he gets shots for that. He has good veterinary care. However, he does have the FIV, the neighbour said he was not doing well when I was there Sunday. I was upset by this and asked why. That was when she said he has diabetes. I said if it was managed well he should be fine. Somehow, the FIV is kind of something we don’t like to mention. She said he’s maybe got another year left in him and that really upset me. If he’s well cared for, he can live longer! I thought they should keep him indoors permanently, because he’s less likely to catch something that could kill him. I worry about that cat. He’s my favourite cat second to Oscar. Just a really sweet cat that got dealt a bad hand for most of his life, but now he knows what it’s like to be loved by the whole neighbourhood. I dunno, I guess the one year comment really got to me. I think most people wouldn’t want to care for a cat with FIV, and I commend them for that.

Omg my arachnophobia got triggered SO bad today. I was going, once again, to get Chinese takeout. Mom pointed out that there was a BIG hairy black & white spider on the door. I freaked out and backed further away. I had the fight or flight thing happening and I wanted to FLIGHT. Finally the little bastard skittered out of sight to the top of the door. Mom opened the door and told me to come in. I refused because I was convinced it would jump on me from above. I was absolutely freaking out, people were probably wondering wtf was wrong with me. I finally just made a break for it and ran in as fast as I could. I got my food and paid but realised I had to go back out the same door. I said I didn’t know if I could leave 😭 I wound up running out again, finally. I have not freaked out so hard about a damn spider in 20 years. Last time, I had gone into my great aunts old chicken house to look for something in an old chest she had in there. Mom came with. I wound up, somehow, between two spider webs with one big spider on each. To this day, I can’t figure out how I got trapped o_o I crouched down to the floor and bawled. Mom had to take care of the one in front of me, but I was still afraid to move. I don’t remember how I got out.

I fucking hate spiders. Why do they have to look like that??? The worst part is there’s probably at least one in my apartment as I write this. 😣 *shudders* Funny thing is I’m not scared of most tarantulas…weird, right? The ones the size of dinner plates can fuck right off, though. No ma’am.

I was watching a video last night about the raunchiest scenes in R rated comedies. I have always loved that kind of movie. I wound up ordering some I didn’t have off Amazon. I grew up on raunchy 80s toilet humour movies lol. My parents let me watch whatever 😬 They helped my young tween self rent R rated horror movies. I definitely didn’t have helicopter parents and I’m glad about that. I got to watch all the dirty nudity and sex filled slasher movies I wanted. 😆 My mom strongly disapproved of Ren & Stimpy though, but me and dad loved it. That was really the only thing she openly disapproved of. Ren & Stimpy was Teletubbies compared to some of the animated stuff I watched on late night HBO! Those were the days, man. There was a show on HBO I think, that had a block of various adult animations, like Aeon Flux and The Maxx. I miss that stuff so much. I miss being a young kid and discovering cool stuff like that, even if I probably shouldn’t have been watching it. 😅

I watched another video from the same channel about “90s cartoons you forgot were awesome”. I never forgot them. Now I want Gargoyles and Batman: The Animated series on DVD. There were a lot of others I loved. My whole childhood was in that video 😭 I was really hit with the nostalgia last night.

Well, I have made a massive ramble again!  Writing did calm my stupid breathing problem. 👌


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Apr 26 2025 April 26, 2025 April 28, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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Oh my lordt!!! My credit is finally over 700!! 712 to be exact. And it’s now listed as “good”!! I’m out of the yellow and into the green!! Sorry for all the exclamation points, I’m just super happy because I never thought it would get there!!! 😆 eeeeeeee I’M AN ADULT WITH GOOD CREDIT I’M ADULTING CORRECTLY LOOK AT MEEE

haha sorry. It’s pretty special to me considering people didn’t think I’d ever be able to live alone much less do adult things like credit, because I’m autistic and I don’t consider myself to be “high functioning” because I think I’m somewhere between high and low, it is a spectrum after all. They just figured I couldn’t and I agreed. I never thought I’d do any of this stuff. There are many things I’ll probably never be able to do, but I think I’ve made strides that no one thought possible.

I went out with mom but didn’t get anything to eat on the way back and am regretting it. I should have gotten Chinese. I don’t want to make food 😭

Inspection is on Monday. Dammit! Everything is a mess. I’m gonna try to declutter but there’s only so much I can do 😅 I have a LOT of stuff and no place to put it. What am I gonna dooo? I always pass even though I’m a mess. I think it just needs a good vacuum and a bit of decluttering. Or just straightening the clutter to make it appear sort of organised….somehow. Can’t wait for that new carpet, even though I hate carpet to begin with. At least it’ll be new! This carpet has taken some serious abuse over the years.

This entry took a turn for the worse. It’s depressing, so under a cut it goes!

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Apr 19 2025 April 19, 2025 April 28, 2025 NoComment by Eden

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I’m thinking of getting a dog. I asked the property manager how many animals we’re actually allowed to have, and she said two, but they have to be designated emotional support animals which is not a problem. My dream dog is a golden retriever or a husky. I do remember there being a weight limit of 20lb though. I’m going to ask her if that still stands. I don’t know if mom will support me though, because I tried to have a dog right before I moved out and it was kind of a disaster. The poor thing was trying so hard to acclimate to her new surroundings and she shat everywhere. All the time. My parents made me return her to the shelter. I was really sad but accepted it. I do worry that would happen again. I’ve never had a problem with cats doing that, Oscar was immediately at home, he didn’t act scared or anything, he was just bat shit crazy. But that’s just his personality 😅

I don’t know if I should do it. Do all adopted dogs do this? Is that the norm? I wouldn’t be adopting one right this moment, I want to learn more about how to take care of a dog first. I don’t think my parents will be on my side, unfortunately, because of past experiences. They don’t think I can handle it.

This entry got depressing, so it’s going under a cut.

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