Month: August 2023

Aug 29 2023 August 29, 2023 August 29, 2023 NoComment by Eden

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Woo, I get to go to the beach Thursday!

Tomorrow I have to get my lip rings taken out and have those little plastic things put in. I hate it because every time I have to change out the rings or put them back in, they get really sore. I don’t know if it’s a nickel allergy or what. They’re irritated right now because I can’t stop chewing on my bottom lip. It’s a stupid nervous habit. I might upgrade to titanium rings.

I have to be at the hospital super early Friday. 6:30 am 0_o I admit I do look forward to the heated blankets and grippy socks ☺️ Just not the whole pipe being shoved down my airway and sweating parts. Lol

Btw I talk about this mri so much because it’s the most important one I’ve had in my life. My life and independence rests on the results. My life could be ruined if I didn’t have it or the results aren’t what the Social Security Administration wants. I’m fairly sure I’ll be okay because backs don’t get better and I’m feeling a lot worse 😅 That’s awful but that’s the way it works.

I have an appointment with a dietitian and surgeon in September. I think they submit their findings to Medicaid and see if they’ll approve the surgery. It’s weight loss surgery btw. I haven’t really talked about it on this blog because I think I’m a little bit ashamed. Maybe I have, I can’t remember shit lol. I’m really ashamed I let depression get the better of me and ate like a fucking walrus for years. Do walrus’s eat a lot? Idk, I was trying to think of a blubbery animal. We’ll just go with a walrus. Yep. I ate like a walrus and got close to 300 lbs which is definitely not as big as some people are, but yeah. I’m down to 237. My biggest wish is for the diabetes to go into remission and to get off some of these freaking medications. Especially the ones that make me feel tired all the time.

Anyhow, that’s all I have to say today. Have a good one!


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Aug 25 2023 August 25, 2023 August 25, 2023 NoComment by Eden

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My singing absolutely offends this cat. I swear he acts like I insulted his ancestors. Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your cow! He will straight up get up from wherever he is and leave in disgust.

It’s freaking hilarious 😆

Anyhow! I went out and had fun. I went to Hobby Lobby and got an acrylic paint set on sale as well as one of the tiniest detail brushes I’ve ever seen. I also stopped by GameStop and got some used games, which included Elder scrolls: Skyrim because I’ve somehow never played it. Spent too much money lol. I suck at budgeting.

I’m going out to eat now, see ya!


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Aug 24 2023 August 24, 2023 August 24, 2023 NoComment by Eden

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I bought a sketchbook a while back and put all my cool stickers on the front, trying to encourage myself to draw. I finally opened it up and noticed that the paper is so incredibly thin 0_o like…why didn’t I check before I bought it? Duh. Also I don’t think it’s bound very well. Anyhow I’ve drawn two days in a row, hoping the more I do the more I’ll improve. It sucks having to basically start over again because I didn’t draw for sooo long and got extremely rusty. I figure I’ll just have to work my way back up to where I was. Everything I do is really janky looking and I’d never show anyone. Even I wince a little when I look at it 😅 The new, slightly expensive mechanical pencils did help though. The cheap ones are so crappy! I got a Pentech 1000 0.5mm drafting pencil and a three pack of 0.5 Muji pencils off Amazon. The Pentech 1000 was $7 by itself. I’m glad I got them even if they cost a bit more. Worth it.

I have my MRI soon. I think it’s next Friday actually. I truly dread it because I hate being put to sleep because I am allergic to contrast dye. It won’t kill me or anything, it just makes me so incredibly uncomfortable and sweaty the rest of the day.

Well, off to bed I go. I get to go out and have some fun tomorrow. I am now able to wear my cpap mask so I am hoping I will feel a bit better.

 


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Aug 21 2023 August 21, 2023 August 21, 2023 4Comments by Eden

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I honestly think that the friends I have had for 20+ years don’t give a shit about me anymore. I’m thinking of just deleting myself out of their lives. I don’t think they’ll care or miss me very much.

I am aware that I’m whining. This is my blog. That’s what it’s for. I just feel crappy about my friendships and have for a pretty long time. I’ve built up resentment towards some people and it doesn’t feel so good.

I want to forget about it. I want to make new friends and get on with my life. There are a couple of friendships I still value a lot though. I don’t know what to do about it because I don’t know how to talk to people anymore. /sigh

okay, bed time 🥱 g’night, internet.


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Aug 17 2023 August 17, 2023 August 17, 2023 NoComment by Eden

My Creative wound

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So I’m reading a book called ‘Healing the creative Wound’. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. Creative wounds are things that happen throughout your life that can dampen your ability to create, or even stop creating at all. I have two that stick out in my mind. These things really messed me up. Maybe they shouldn’t have, but some people are very sensitive souls and I’m one of those people. I care too much what others think, especially friends.

The first happened back in 2003. Yes, twenty years ago. I checked the guestbook on my website and there was a message from a guy that basically said “your art is good but it all looks the same”. I was really confused because I didn’t think that was true. I pored over every drawing I ever did, trying to figure out if they all looked the same, or maybe I had same-face syndrome. In any case, I became extremely paranoid about my art, and suffered an art block for quite some time.

The second happened in 2018 or 19, I can’t remember. I had posted some new art on my art page on Facebook. One of my friends, someone I’ve known since 7th grade, responded with a laugh emoji. It wasn’t a funny drawing. It fucked me up. I was already teetering on the edge of giving up drawing for good and that kind of pushed me over the edge. I have not drawn substantively since, much less actually completing a piece. I have doodled but I can’t seem to get past that.

A fucking laugh emoji. It shouldn’t matter, right? I should’ve just ignored it. But I couldn’t.

Anyhow, the book showed me that many artists have experienced the same thing. The purpose is to let go of the past and heal that creative wound, and I’m really trying. It’s hard because I laser focus on certain stuff, usually hurtful things people have said or done. I can’t get it out of my head. I’m not finished with the book yet, but it has some really great advice for getting past this stuff.

People also need to be aware that sometimes, something you say or do, even if it’s just a fucking emoji, can really impact someone’s life. Especially if you happen to be close with them. Don’t be a dick.


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Aug 14 2023 August 14, 2023 August 14, 2023 NoComment by Eden

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Feeling a bit better since I last posted. Me and mom are back on good terms.

I have an appointment with a dietitian and surgeon next month. I’m pretty excited! I don’t know if that’s when they’d schedule the actual surgery or what.

I also have an MRI, which I unfortunately have to be fully anesthetized for, because I am really, really claustrophobic. Even if I was to do an open MRI, I wouldn’t be able to control my breathing. Also Anesthesia gives me hyperthermia which means I sweat buckets the rest of the day. It’s actually the contrast dye that does that, but I digress. The whole reason I am having one is because social security is trying to knock as many people off payments as they can, even truly disabled people. Fucked up. Well, my back sure as shit hasn’t improved. They came back with a decision on my mental health, which says no improvement. So I’m pretty sure I’m going to continue having SSI, thank the gods. The whole thing has been really stressful.

I think a new disc is bulging in my neck. I was just sitting in the car a couple weeks ago and a sharp pain shot through the right side of my neck. It’s been messed up and even more painful than normal since. In my opinion neck pain is the worst pain. :/ because there’s no comfort from it.


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Aug 10 2023 August 10, 2023 August 14, 2023 NoComment by Eden

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What is there when you can’t trust your own parents? Your own MOTHER? I have no other support. There’s no one else to call. I am completely alone. Feeling like harming myself. She doesn’t care, she actually sounded annoyed when I called her. She says it stresses her out, well how do you think I feel?! She won’t even text me back anymore.

Im depressed about my life about being ill and in pain and not being able to do the things I love. I also got into thinking how I never got to live my dream of going to school for animation and it fucking kills me inside. I know the car accident that started this physical sickness wasn’t my fault (I wasn’t driving) but I still feel like a huge failure. My body and soul are crying out in pain. For help. It’s really getting to me today for whatever reason. I also forgot to take my medicine when I woke up and that usually means I will feel bad until I do. Today is not a good day. 😔

I had my first appointment for physical therapy the other day. Who knows if it will help. I don’t have much hope.


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